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Anyone here have a DH who have a smiliar background, or if your DH is also raised in a matriarchal household. Can you share your experience? Or help give advice in what would you in my situation?
I shouldn't keeps give him a hard time right? If he wants to be the one that clean and do housework then I should let him do it "his" ways so he can be happy right?
Right.
And if you can't do appreciate the good thing you have in a neat and cleanly man, send him my way. He sounds wonderful. And no offense, but you sound like a bit of a slob! Towels on the floor? Leaving the refrigerator door open? No, no, no. Those are not things adults do, man or woman. You need to learn how to pick up after yourself. My ex-husband was a little bit like you, and although we divorced for a bigger reason (he changed his mind on kids, I didn't), his messiness put a huge strain on the marriage. If I had a dime for every time I told him, "I am not your maid!" I could take you to lunch.
Perhaps your husband is worried about you carrying heavy things because you reported that you drop so many things.
Some of this sounds very passive-aggressive, to be honest. The best way to get someone to stop asking you to do something is to do such a poor job of it that it's easier for them to do it themselves. Four soda cans? Come on, a 5-year old can carry those. Hub may have OCD, but she's playing out the learned helplessness to the max. What he needs to do is go on vacation with the kids for a week and leave her to live in a sty of her own making. When she starts tripping over smelly, mildewy towels, runs out of underwear, and all of her food goes bad, she'll learn. There is absolutely, positively NO reason for a SAHM to not have her house in order, especially if her husband works two jobs and is hardly there, himself, to contribute to a mess!
Some of this sounds very passive-aggressive, to be honest. The best way to get someone to stop asking you to do something is to do such a poor job of it that it's easier for them to do it themselves. Four soda cans? Come on, a 5-year old can carry those. Hub may have OCD, but she's playing out the learned helplessness to the max. What he needs to do is go on vacation with the kids for a week and leave her to live in a sty of her own making. When she starts tripping over smelly, mildewy towels, runs out of underwear, and all of her food goes bad, she'll learn. There is absolutely, positively NO reason for a SAHM to not have her house in order, especially if her husband works two jobs and is hardly there, himself, to contribute to a mess!
I don't think she's a mom, and she had a job a one point. I don't know if she does now.
I think the issue is their vastly different personalities and upbringing. If he wants to clean, great, but the whole, don't stand on a chair, don't carry the milk jugs is a bit much. He is treating her like she's helpless, but in turn, she's acting like she's helpless.
I want to clarify this clear.
I HATE to be control. If anyone read my posts in the past can see this. I work hard to break free from my controlling mother. NO way I like to be controlled.
May I cut and paste this to here, this post is from a thread from last year where I post about my childhood background with my abusive mother.
[I didn't have a good childhood. My mom she verbally/emotionally abusive, she always belittle me, and very controlling. I grow up hearing her belittle me, pointing her finger at my face and scold at me that I worth less than a dog.
She 'physically' beaten me one time, this happened when I was 12 years old.
She beaten me with two belts, and slap me. I had bruises on arms and body, tearing on my skin, and red slap hand marks across my face. school teacher saw the marks, and report it to the police.
Mom use the excuse that parents in China/Vietnam physically beat their children all the time, so she thinks it okay for her to hit me here in the U.S.
Her excuse didn't matter to the police, this went to Court for she 'Domestic Child Abuse' me. And I was taken to 'Foster home' for few years before I got return home.
After that incident, she doesn't 'physically beaten' me anymore. But she still verbally abuse me, and she belittle me everyday.
When she scold at me she point her finger at my head, grab my hair and push me to the ground. She said straight in my face that I'm lucky we now live in the U.S. If we was still in China/Vietnam, she will tied me up and beat me. She also said that she gave birth to me so she have all the rights to hit me.
It hurts, but it not the physical hurt. What hurt alot was because she is my mother, but why not care for me? Why brought me to this world but then belittle me, grab my hair and push me to the ground?
She also was very controlling. I lived with her till I was 18, back when I live with her, she check through my trash, digging through my trash like I was her prisoner.. She checking/digging through my trash, goes through my drawers, checking my bed, digging through my trash cans every single day.
I remembered when she screamed at me, and once out of no where she grab a Chinese magazine on the table and throw at my face. The corner of the magazine hit me on the side of my eyebrow. It was a thick magazine, it caused a small cut on my eyebrow. I remembered I had my hand over my eye and I just cried.
Mom got lucky, because I don't know what would happen if the corner of the magazine hit right straight in my eye, the police would have came already.
She always use the excuse that Chinese in China, Vietnamese in Vietnam hit their children all the time, so she thinks she have all the rights to hit me.
I really can't live like this, I don't know if anyone can?.. I just know I have to leave home. I'm not a dog, I'm not a fish in a bowl, I'm not a bird in a cage, for my mother to control.
Back then, in High school grade 9-12, I work in my High School library. The California minium wage pay 13 years ago was like $5 to $6 an hour, I need this working money to take with me when I leave.
I know I can't change how my mother treats me. What I can do is get out of her house, and I did get out at age 18.. Leaving was my ONLY choice, it the only choice where I can have my freedom, my self-respect and my self-worth.
I don't have anywhere to go. And I need a roof over my head to sleep at night, what are my option? My option is the Homeless Shelter, and that was where I went.
I knew sleep in the Homeless shelter was hard, but I knew it was just 'temporary' until I can find myself a place.. At least have my freedom, I have my mental health. I don't have to hear my mom belittle me everyday, and grab my hair and push me down to the ground when she mad, taking out her anger on me.
I only only have a High school diploma (No college degree). With just a High school diploma, I can only work minimum wage jobs.
I start my life over from scratch. Back then I work at a Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant where I help cook in the back, wash alot of dishes, and do Food server.
Anywhere the Rent is the cheapest, I go there rent to live. There days when I just eat rice with soy sauce, so I can save up money buy a used car. I survived fine on my own with a miminium wage job.. I'm 30 years old, and never once I go back to my controlling/abusive mother for help. ]
Clearly I don't like to be controlled. I work hard to break free from my controlling mother. Please please don't assump I like to be controlled, this is NOT true.
Because of this childhood of mine. I become stubborn and fiercely independent. I even argue with my husband when he try to help by give me suggestion for a better job.
I think Ms. Wmsn4Life remember back in August 2015 I had a post where I talk about my husband make suggestion that I should work in an office/desk job, instead of Shoe Retail.
I used to work in Retail (Shoe department). In Retail you have to be on your feet, climing on ladders get shoe, running back and forth cashier register, getting get shoe for customers to try on, etc...
It not always busy. There times when it slow, but it sure does busy when the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season.
My husband is the type guy that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't disagree with me. So far there no fighting or arguments in our marriage. It been a smooth and peaceful marriage. So peaceful that ugh.. sometimes I ask myself, if me and him are normal or not.
When it comes to things that matter, he does voice his opinion and said his needs. He said that I should try to get an office job instead of keep work in Shoe Retail.
An Office job like receptionist, any office/desk type of job. As long as I be sitting instead of running around on my feet.
And his reasons were:
---An Office job will be better for me during pregnancy and post-pregnancy. I did promise him that we will have a baby. Not now ofcourse, but in the future. We married, eventually we going to have a baby. I can't just keep him childless for the rest of his life.
He wants me to work at office/desk job, because he doesn't want me to carried my pregnant stomach be on my feet getting shoe for people to try on, like how my Retail job is.
---He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint and Word.
And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages (Chinese, Vietnamese and English). He thinks I should use those skills to get an office job.
I did work at an office job once; at a Chinese dentist office, but it was a long time ago in the past. But that count as I had some experience.
He thinks I should use my skills to go find an office job now. I guess it because it will take time to earn Maternity leave.
We live in California, and there ALOT of Asian population here. There alot of Vietnamese and Chinese doctor/dentist office, and business office here.
---My husband work a lot. He work a full time job AND a part time job. He only have half a day off on weekend.
He wants us to spend time together as much as we can. We always eat late dinner together.
But when Retail job get very busy during Thanksgiving Black Friday/Christmas time, I will have to work late and miss out dinner with him.
He doesn't want me to work late during holiday time in Retail. He wants me to be at home and spend holiday family time with him.
Office job I get weekend off. I can spend more time with him, and cook Chinese and Vietnamese food for dinner for him.
---He said he make enough for me to stay home. If I want, I can stay home. TTC and give birth to a healthy baby, I stay home care for the baby.
He far far from rich. But he does make 4x times more than me, and he also get yearly raise. Financially it not a problem.. We have decent amount of saving. We both are Debt-free, we both have zero debt. And we both are not big spender.
He knows my childhood background. Back then when I left my mother house. I work at Chinese noodle restaurant washing dishes in the back, and do Food server.
He said he does NOT want me to do those type of jobs anymore (wash dishes/food server).. Same with he does Not want me to work in Shoe retail climbing on ladders getting shoe for people to try on.
He said back then I was in a situation where I didn't achoice, so I have to work those jobs for survival.. But now I HAVE a choice, he said he make enough money for me to stay home.. He said stay home is a choice I have, an option I have.
But if I refused to stay home. Or refuse to work at office/desk job.
He give him an option of I can go back to school. He said He Financially support me to go back to school.
I only have a High School diploma. I'm a College dropped-out, so NO college degree.
I did went to college for a short time, before up dropped-out.. My credits in college were just from took Calculus, Java and C++ classes. I don't know what can I do with those various classes credits for a degree.
Well, I refused the go back to school option he gave me. Because I feel that my age 30-31, I really don't want to be sitting in class with college age students much younger than me.
Then he gave me the option of take a trip to China visit my grandma and relax.
I immigrant with my whole family to USA at age 12. It been almost two decades in U.S, and I only go back to China to visit one time.
My whole family in U.S, but my grandmother still in China by her choice, she prefer stay in China due to her old age.
I only came back to visit my grandma one time. I do miss my grandma alot.
My husband say said if I want to take a vacation, if it helps me relax. He said he pay for my trip back to China to visit my grandmother.
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He give me quite some options, including Financially pay for my college if I want to go back to college.. I don't think this is controlling right Ms. Wmsn4Life? Because I heard that controlling men will always want to keep their wife by their side. They will not give their wife options, let alone willing to pay for her trip back to visit her grandma in China.
I dunno. I don't feel that he controlling.. He knows all about my childhood background. He knows I hate to be controlled. He knows I like freedom and independent. I don't feel that he taking my independent away from me at all.
And he never touch my money. The money I work I have in my saving account is all still mine. NEVER once he ask me for a penny. He make 4x more than me anyways, why the heck he need money from a girl that work MINIMUM WAGE jobs all her life like me?
Anyways, in October 2015 I did get a office/desk job. They hired me because I can speak Mandarin, Cantonese, Vietnamese and English. And I know to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint and Word.
Well with this office/desk job, now I have weekend off and working hours on weekdays are fixed. And the job is much more comfortable, physically it much more comfortable than Shoe Retail where I have to climbs ladders, run around on my feet all day getting shoe for customers to try on.
I guess different ladies interpret it differently. Some thinks he controlling. Some thinks he just want what best for me, that why he pushing me to get out of the Shoe Retail job. Work Office job sure is better for a career in a long run. Ms. Wmsn4Life, you read my background posts regarding my abusive mother about my childhood experience. What your take on this regarding my husband?
ETA: NO WHERE in my post I said I throw wet towels on the floor. I have no idea where those assumptiom come from. In my post I say I have the tendency to throw things on the floor, things like my jeans, my heels, my purse.
I don't throw anything wet on the floor. I didn't even mentioned the word "wet towel" in my posts. Please please don't make asumptions and puts words in my mouth.
And NO WHERE I said that I leave sticky sodas on the floor when I dropped the 4 soda cans. Please re-read my OP post. I said I accidently dropped 4 soda cans, and my husband said he wants to clean it up for me. He doesn't want me to slip and fall, so he told me to go watch TV, and let him clean it up.
Again, don't know where those assumptions come from. Please re-read my OP post again.
And please re-read the previous page. I said this happened ONE time, where I accidently dropped 4 cans of soda because I carried it on ONE hand. Please don't put words in my mouth please, Thank you.
And I dropped the glass cup, it happened ONE time too. And he won't let me clean it up, he said let him clean it up. Because he worried the broken glass might cut my hand if I clean it up.
I believe you hate to be controlled...but I think you need it. Have you heard about the psychological theory that we are trying to fix the problems we had with our parents with our partners in adulthood. It is right on.
You have posted a lot about this specific issue. It bothers you. If you want it to change, then you can change it. But it is going to come down to you working on healing from your abusive past (I agree, get a new therapist if you have one that isn't helping). And for you and your husband to work on your relationship.
Yes, you hate to be controlled. So living like a slob is your form of rebellion. Thing is, you are no longer living with your mother. You're living with your husband.
Furthermore, you being a slob is you controlling your husband in a way. By leaving a mess all over the place, you ensure that his attention is always on you.
And dropping towels on the floor and leaving the refrigerator door open are things careless 12-year-olds do, not fully grown, functioning adults.
If you want to have more control over yourself, pick up after yourself. Your husband should not pay the price for what your mother did to you. You are taking your anger out on the wrong person. You say he won't "let" you do certain things. I call b.s. on that. He works two jobs. What do you do when he's at his second job and you're alone? You can do whatever you want! So learn!
I know countless adults that throw towels on the floor.
There is a normal range of how tidy people are...and a slob isn't part of the equation for the vast majority. There are OCD people and slobs...and a whole middle range of normal.
That said...being messy and forgetful is a way to protest being ordered around. Its all passive aggressive. But it isn't one sided.
I know countless adults that throw towels on the floor.
There is a normal range of how tidy people are...and a slob isn't part of the equation for the vast majority. There are OCD people and slobs...and a whole middle range of normal.
That said...being messy and forgetful is a way to protest being ordered around. Its all passive aggressive. But it isn't one sided.
Then you know countless slobs. I don't. In fact, I don't know anyone who tolerates their kids doing it, either.
It's not a matter of ordering people around. It's also not a matter of being messy. Indeed, messy and dirty are not necessarily the same things. My desk can get messy when I'm working and have my papers spread out all over the place. But the desk and papers themselves are clean. My kitchen gets temporarily messy when I'm cooking and have ingredients spread out as I prep. But the kitchen itself is clean. My bird's cage gets messy over the course of the day, as does the floor around it when he tosses his food all over. But the cage itself and the floor are clean.
Wet towels on the floor are dirty. They don't dry. They get mildewy and smelly. They ruin wood floors and get dampness into the carpets, which then get mildewy and smelly.
Not knowing how to clean up spilled soda is dirty. It leaves a sticky mess that accumulates dirt and attracts insects.
OP lives a dirty lifestyle. Sorry, but that's the truth.
Your a grown woman close the refrigerator door, clean up after yourself and act like a woman not a child. You both could use some counseling. As hard as it is to accept you will probably never have what most people consider a normal relationship with your mother.
--- Last time I accidently dropped soda cans, and it exploded all over the kitchen.
Being multi-tasking that I am, I try carried 4 Coca-Cola cans in one hand.. I dropped all 4 cans, it exploded. It spills, fizz and splashed all over the kitchen floor.
He didn't get mad, he said let him clean it up. He doesn't want me to slip and fall, so he said I go watch TV in the living room, and he clean up the kitchen.
And that's when you put on your Big-Girl pants and ask him to show you how he does it, then you do it yourself next time. If he tries to tell you not to, you use the mouth nature gave you and you say, "No. I can do this." And then you do it.
What do you do if you spill something when he's not home? Do you just leave it there for him to clean up?
Come on, already. You are filling this thread with excuses. There is no excuse not to pick up after yourself like an adult. As others have said, you are not behaving like a grown woman. Time to start.
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Towels on the floor? Leaving the refrigerator door open? No, no, no. Those are not things adults do, man or woman. You need to learn how to pick up after yourself. My ex-husband was a little bit like you, and although we divorced for a bigger reason (he changed his mind on kids, I didn't), his messiness put a huge strain on the marriage. If I had a dime for every time I told him, "I am not your maid!" I could take you to lunch.
