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I would like to add, people don't have to say things to be critical. If they refuse to allow you to clean up your own mess when trying to, they are letting you know they don't think you will do it right. If they refuse to let you work, carry a load of laundry or a grocery bag, they are telling you you aren't capable.
This is actually parenting 101.
You don't think there is a chance they could be just a nice and compassion person?
I would be doing a happy dance if my husband refused me to clean up my messes. (Although I have to admit he does clean up some of my messes.)
I would do a happy dance if he told me I should just stay home (although I do like my job) and if he carried everything for me (actually if he sees me carrying up my basket of laundry he does take it from me and carries it up the steps for me).
I do nice things for him. I don't see it as him thinking I am not capable. He is just being helpful.
Maybe part of it is just Marriage 101--being nice and caring.
I know my grandfather did a lot of things for my grandmother that she could have likely done on her own. Like go to the attic to get the christ decorations, change a light bulb, take out the trash. They had men's work and women's work. Never saw him wash a dish or cook a meal. They had the 1950s marriage thing going.
lol! My husband does all of those things, too! And he travels quite a bit, so it's become part of our routine that before he goes, he takes out all the trash, changes any light bulbs that are out (and asks me if there are any others that he's missed ) He's a dream and I'm thankful everyday for him.
Thank you for all the replies give me advice. Whether it negative or positive, I appreciate it all.
I know everyone time is precious, so I'm very thankful that you spare a few mintues read through my long-winded post and help me. There other thousands of threads in C-D, but you spare a few minutes to visit my thread and give me advice, I really appreciated. Thank you. And I don't mind criticism at all.
I'm sorry my English grammars tenses is not very good. Thank you for bare with me reading through my post.
My husband is my first and only sexual partner. Everything I know about men, love and marriage is all from him. He the first one and the only one. He set thebar for everything.
I'm still trying to get use to the way he "loves", his love language.
Eversince I leave my abusive mother house a decade ago, I live alone with a little poodle. I never live with any guy before. My husband is the first guy I live with, I'm stil trying to adapt to his habits and how he do things around the house.
I never know what love is because even my own mother abuse me in my childhood. I never experience love before. I'm just not used to love. So I do get overwhelmed with how my husband loves me, I'm not used to it.
I want to explain some points to make it clear, because I feel that there alot of unfair assumption about my husband. He does not bully me. Perhaps it is me that bully him.
In the past my husband only work one job--his full time job. He take on the second job because of me, because I said I aim at 50% house down-payment. See? I'm the unreasonable one here.
All our lives we both are Debt-Free, so I told my husband that I aim at 50% house down-payment, so we have less mortage and pay off our mortgage faster.
He doesn't even talk back to me. He said anything I want, as a husband he will make it happen for me.. It was he, himself he went to find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs to fulfill what I aim at.
When we got married; he did promise that after I became his wife, he will listen to what I say. And the first thing I say is I aim at 50% house down-payment. He said as a husband he will make it happen for me, even if that means he have to work 3 jobs; to faster achieve my goal.
Of course I said NO!! I do NOT want him to work 3 jobs, because I don't think we can have time with each others if he work that much.
I'm sure he wants more sleep in the weekend. But he work the second job because of me unreasonablydemand a 50% house down-payment. Yes, we trying to save up money as much as we can so we can buy a house.
The problem here is me being unreasonable. And he dotes me to the point that he doesn't even talk to back to me.
90% of the times he let me have things my way so I can be happy. He ALWAYS put my needs above his.
My mother didn't approved my marriage, because my husband is from West Africa. He not mix, he fully African; so he really really dark skin.
It not fair that my mother judge him solely based on his skin color. My mother stronghly disapproved him since the beginging.. She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person. NEVER once she care enough to met him. How fair is that? She refused to met him. She NEVER met him, not even once. So what ground do she have to keep discriminate and prejudge him?
Fortunately, there one person in my family that accept my husband, that is my older brother. My older brother and my MIL were the 2 witness at my wedding ceremony.
My older brother is very understanding. I guess it because he grow up being belittle and being control by my mother too. His relationship with my mom is not close neither.. BUT he much stronger than me though, he does not let my mother control him subconciously like I do.
Me? Subconsciously I let my mother control me and control my train of thoughts.
Anyways, my brother met my husband many times, they went out to eat and have conversation and talk. My brother really really like him, he approved my husband and said I'm a lucky girl.
My brother said I will regret it big time if one day I lose my husband. He said that when you have something, you don't know how to appreciated/treasure it. BUT when it gone, you will realize how blessed you are and it might already be too late.
Regarding housework, I want to make it more clear too.
I think he over-caring, not controlling.
He knows I'm short, very short. I'm only 4'11", so verything on the kitchen shelves, he purposely put it all within my petite height reach.
Because I'm the one that cook, and when he at work, nobody help reach it for me.
My husband work long hours, so it is me that in the kitchen cook for him. He not babying me in the kitchen. He not in the kitchen to help me cook.. He doesn't know how to cook Chinese and Vietnamese food. He likes to eat it, that is why he wants me to help cook for him, so he can have food to eat when he home from work.
Don't get me wrong, I love cooking and I enjoy cooking for him. I cook breakfast and dinner, I do the cooking in the house.
I don't mind take over the cooking, because he work 2 jobs, and he do the housework too. Me cooking for him is something that I can do to help him.
He more than capable of cook for himself. He can cook for himself, he good at cook his culture food.
Since young age, he watch his mom cook in the kitchen, he learned to cook from his mom.
We always eat breakfast and dinner together. Even when he work late, we eat later dinner together.
Anyways, after we done eat. Yes, he wipes the oil splatters and clean the kitchen.. Your stove can't be perfectly clean when you just cook. Someone have to clean the stove and the kitchen.
He doesn't clean the kitchen for fun. If the kitchen is clean then he won't clean it. But how can the kitchen be clean when you just cook and eat dinner?
If he see spills or oil splatters on stove, he go wipes it.
--- I wash dishes. And I'm clumsy. Because after I done wash dishes, water spots are all over the sink. I just leave it like that and left.
Of course he go wipes it dry. If I don't do it then he go do it.
This is my fault, if I don't leave all those water spots all after I wash dishes, then he doesn't have to clean up after me. I need to work on fix his habit of mine too.
He not controlling, he clean up after my mess because I just leave it like that.
IF he was really controlling, he would command me to go wipe it clean. There are ladies out there have husband yell at them and give them deadlines to do certain things, like clean kitchen, do laundry, do house chores, etc..
My husband NEVER yell at me. He just quietly go get the job done, and clean up my mess.
Sure, he can go tell me to wipes all the water spots that I make after I wash dishes. But No, he just go clean it himself.
Perhaps he is the one that "enable" my behavior, he dotes on me too much.
Maybe it how he raise. But he's not the type that sit around and wait for women do things for him. He don't sit around and call women do things for him, he will go do it himself and get it done.
His mom raised him to respect women.. He was raised by two women anyways. He was raised by his mom and his older sister.
He wasn't raised with the mindset of sit there and order wife do things for him. He NEVER order me around.
He treats me with respect, eventhough I'm just a 4'11" short petite height Chinese wife of his. And I'm silly and clumsy.
--- Laundry. Yes, he prefers to do laundry. He do our laundry together, my laundry and his laundry.
He said he do it because he know I'm tired work at Shoe Retail job. Shoe Retail I have to climb ladders, running back and forth get shoe for customers to try on.. He know this so he wants to be the one that do laundry.
Now I don't work in Shoe Retail anymore. Thank you to him, now I work at an Office job where I get to sit all day, it much much less physically tired compared to Retail.
I no longer work in Retail, I don't know why he still want to help me do laundry.
He do laundry, but it me that hang the clothes up in the closet and put it in the drawers. If there clothes need to be iron, I iron it. So I do help out too.
--- Him carry my supermarket bags, carry all heavy stuff for me. Yes, he do all that. When he with me he do all that.
BUT when he at work drive a Fuel Tanker truck. He can't be at the supermarket help carry bags me. So of course that is me carry all those bags by myself.
He only help me when he with me. Like if we go to the mall together, he also carry my shopping bags too.
I don't see how is this controlling? He knows when I go places without him, I carry bags all by myself.
I heard stories of other women said about their controlling man. Their man control what they wear, what they eat. Told them to wear certain outfits when go out with them. Told them what to wear, told them how to dress. Even eat, their man even control what they eat.
My husband NEVER said a word about what I wear or what I eat.
I'm freely to wear what ever I want, eat what ever I want. Including fat food, chicken skin, he let me eat it.
When we go to restaurant to eat, he never make order for me. He let me chose what ever I want to eat.
Same with clothing, he let me wear what ever I want to wear. When we go to the mall, he let me pick what ever clothes I want, and he just pay.
For example, few weeks ago we went shopping. I buy clothes and shoe, and he just pay.
He said it best that I chose, because he doesn't know if I like the style or if I like the color. So I grab what I want, and he pay.
I'm a Denim jeans and heels type of girl. I love those Denim jeans at a store called "Express" in the mall. A pair of jeans there cost $85, it might not be pricey to you but pricey for a girl who work at a minimum wage job like me.
My husband know I like it. He bought me 5 pairs of Express denim jeans.
Heck, I don't need 5 pairs, I only need 1 pair. But he buy me 5, so how is that controlling?
My older brother said the only problem he see is my husband dotes on me and loves me too much, that is the only problem he see.
Perhaps my husband need to work on this, dotes on me less or stop dotes on me.
--- In my Chinese culture, they don't give gifts for every occasions like how it is in the west.
In Chinese culture, we give cash money in every occasions. It just an Asian culture thing. It different from western culture where you put in the thoughts to chose and buy a presents for them.
My husband know my culture. So he always give me cash money. He said use the money to buy what ever I want.
He said if he buy gifts for me, he doesn't know what styles I like, what color I like. If he buy something I don't like then I have to go exchange it. So why not just give me cash, and I go buy it myself.
I dont' feel tha the controlling because I don't think any controlling men would just give cash money to their wife. And let their wife go to the mall without them, et their wife use their money to buy what ever she wants.
-- He trust me with his financial because he knows I'm a frugal person. I don't spend his money just because he make 4x more than me.
I guess because he knows I don't spend his money, that is why he purposely give me money every week, when he get pays he always bring back money for me.
I really don't need his money. I have a job, eventhough I only make 20K, but I have my source of income.
The spending money he give me every time he get pays, I just put it in a saving. Of course the saving account is under my name, but I have no intention to use it.
He give me a comfy life, a life where I don't have to worried about financial. He secure everything from emotionally to financially. I really don't need extra spending money. But he keep insist give me, so I just put in the saving.
I have my saving accounts (2) under my name. One saving account I open many years ago, since I started working. Work minimum wage jobs sure it not much left to save at the end of the month. But save little is still better than save nothing right?
The second saving account I open when I married him. Because eversince I become his wife. He started to giveme money every time he get pay. I can't just keep the cash at home, so I have to put it in a saving.
Both saving accounts are under my name ONLY.
I also have a Checking account under my name. My Debit card. And my Credit card is also under my name.
He can't access my financial accounts at all, because it all under my name ONLY.
NEVER once he make a comment my money. He not control my financial at all.
Yes, I don't have a College degree. I work minimum wage jobs all my life. But I always live below my mean, and I'm frugal. So I do have money in my saving.
Of course not much compared to him.. But for sure I have enough for me to survive without him.
If there what else I need to do to protect my financial, please tell me and I will do.. Or if he controlling, please tell me and I will talk to him.
He believe in communication. And when we got married, he did ask me to promise him that I will communicate with him.. He knows my emotional childhood baggage. Because of my childhood, I build emoitonal walls up inside myself to protect my myself. I'm always guard.
I'm the one that have the harder time communicate things, not him.
I run way from my emotions, not him. He doesn't run away, he face it.
He didn't have an abusive childhood like how I have.
Sure, his dad died when he little; but he have his mother and his older sister. His childhood was NOTHING like mine. His mom raised him really well.
I don't know if it how his mom raised him. But he is the type that have No problem with facing his own emotions. He strongly believes in communication, talk it out together and solve the problem together.
He always says "Baby, talk to me".. He wants me and him--both make the effort to communicate to each others.
Any argument/disagreement will not bring it to our bedroom or hold off till next day or weekend.
He the type of husband that believe in: We will wait till after the kids sleep, and we will sit down on the dinner table calmly talk about the problems and work it out together.
He doesn't want to bring any arguments into the bedroom, he make sure he see my smile before we go to sleep.
He does try his best everyday to make sure I'm happy.. Due to my childhood; I'm an extremely difficult girl to live with, I'm exhausted. He is a saint for put up this much with me, and still putting up with me.
Oh, and I do see my fault. Maybe I need to stop being unreasonable demand the 50% house down-payment, so he doesn't have keep working the second job.
He work Mon-Fri his full time job. And Sat-Sun his part time job. He only have half a day off on the weekend. I'm the one that giving him the hard time here.
I been thinking of tell him to quit the weekend part time job, he really need more sleep.
He make 65K in his full time job anyways, he not dirt poor. I know he work the second job is ALL because of me.
2. He sounds like a lovely man. Do you not enjoy him? What exactly are you asking about?
3. Yes, your mother sounds like a total B***h. Awful. Now it's time to get over it. You're a married 30 yr old woman. YOU decide who and how you want to be. Quit dwelling on your mother. She no longer has any control over you. She doesn't even exist.
4. Look for ways to do more around the house. Be responsible for your own messes. Before your husband comes home! Even if he doesn't mind tidying up after you, it will show him you care about him when comes home and sees its already done
I would not want my husband to work a second job. I'd rather adjust my expectations.
Personally (this is very individual) I'd rather buy a condo - rent is a waste of money - an pay that off and then either sell it or rent it out to buy a house.
Or a cheap 'starter home'.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to be in high debt for your home, but 50% for the home you eventually want is a lot.
Throwing rent money down the drain in the meantime actually sets the goal BACK.
I would not want my husband to work a second job. I'd rather adjust my expectations.
Personally (this is very individual) I'd rather buy a condo - rent is a waste of money - an pay that off and then either sell it or rent it out to buy a house.
Or a cheap 'starter home'.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to be in high debt for your home, but 50% for the home you eventually want is a lot.
Throwing rent money down the drain in the meantime actually sets the goal BACK.
A place with a washer/dryer inside would be nice! :-)
It sounds like the OP has trust issues..... something in the last post really struck a nerve with me.
Reading through the last post, you mention in detail that the money in those bank accounts is your money and you guard your financial assets closely. There's nothing wrong with having split bank accounts if you choose to. My wife and I chose to have one joint account that we share. We know what goes in, and what comes out. And before either of us spend money, we talk to the other person first to make sure it's in the budget.
Having a bank account that you refuse him access to (considering you said that he makes 4x what you do and gives you money) seems odd to me..... It almost sounds like you have a contingency plan that if something doesn't work out between the two of you, you have hidden money to run with. Might not be the case at all, but it reads that way. Your husband may pick up on this as well.
Quite frankly, if your husband does all the things for you that you claim, the fact that you demand anything at all from him other than his love and affection is kind of absurd. Demanding a 50% down payment on a house is an unreasonable request considering that he has to work two jobs to help get you there. Most of what I have heard so far from you is all about what you want and how he does anything you want. Think about what he wants. It seems that he really only wants to make you happy. You need to begin expressing those same feelings and get past demanding anything of him.
You may desire to put 50% down on a house, but I don't think you have the right to demand that he do it. And you REALLY have to get over your childhood. Many of us could go into great depth about our terrible childhoods, but we don't carry that around our back pockets as a free pass to act in ways that we know aren't positive for our current lives. You have to get over it. If you allow the past to dictate your future, your husband is going to grow tired of it.
There are red flags going up that you should be concerned your husband is going to pick up on at some point in the future.
My take on all this is: If something isn't broken, don't try to fix it.
OP, if you live in a happy marriage, then do little things to help him (wipe the sink) and ENJOY this wonderful life you and your husband have made together.
I also think you should encourage him to quit his second job. As long as you two can pay your bills, then why not? He needs more sleep and relaxation by the sounds of it.
Few things I want to clarify. I didn't come to this thread ask for financial advice. How me and my husband handle financial that is between me and him. Just like how you and your wife/husband deal with financial is between you and your spouse.
I answer this financial question in my previous threads way back since last year already. But I answer it here again.
My husband make 4x more than me, and he give me money every time he get pays. It because I refused to have join financial with him. We have separate financial accounts. I don't touch his money in his bank accounts.
Don't worry, his 4x more income I have no access to it.
NO WHERE in my post I said me and my husband have any joint accounts at all. Please don't make assumption.
All I said in my post is he give me money everytime he get pays, and I put those money in a saving account. Because I don't use it, I tell him many times don't give me money. But he insist, so I tell him I put it in a saving account. He can have it back anytime.
He thinks I'm silly, and he said he never going to take it back. He give it to me so it my money, he said I can spend it however I like it, go buy anything I want.
Let make this clear alright.
1) I work. I have an income. I don't rely on him for money. He want me to be well taken care of, he give me spending money, I'm grateful. But I told him I don't need it.
2) He insist on give me money. He leave the money in the wallet at home for me. It add up fast because he get pays 6 times a month, and every time he bring back money for me.
The money he give me is all in the saving. I didn't use it at all. He can have it back any time he wants.
Listen. When me and my husband got married. I make it very clear insisting on keep 'Separate' financial after marriage, separate Saving/Checking accounts.. My husband make 4x more income than me, so 'the husband' clearly is the favor/beneficial from me want to keep financial separate.
I'm the one that keep on insist on keep separate financial. Frankly, he didn't have much of a choice, what can he do when his wife keep insisting on separate bank accounts?
He always bank with Chase. I always bank with Wells Fargo. We both have our own Checking/Saving accounts there, and I insist on continue keep it like that after marriage.. NEVER once we had fights or arguments over money, there nothing to be argue about. Eventhough we have separate accounts, we completely financial transparency with each others. It work for us.
Because I refused to have joint account with him.
I guess this is why he try to make it up for me. This is why he give me money every time he get pay. Or perhaps he feel bad for me because he knows my job is minimum wage, and he make 4x more.
I have no access to his bank accounts. His Saving money is just under his name only, we don't joint it.
Let me tell you this alright. His saving accounts have MUCH MUCH MUCH more money than mine. He clearly is the favor/beneficial from me want to keep financial separate.
It me insist on keep financial separate. He respect my decission. He wants me to help him watch out his financial, he wants me to the one that do checkbook balance, keep track of money for me.
I do what he asked, I help him. I do know his full financial, because I do checkbook balance of his money. Read my post again in page 5, I said it clearly in there. I quote it in bracket again below:
[ All bills all financial stuff, monthly credit card bill, saving/checking bank statements; are all mail home to him in paper, he like and prefer to keep Paper Statements for everything.
He wants me to help balance his check book for him. And I help him as he request, I balance it and let him see it over afterwards.
When he use his credit cards bills receipts; I help check all transactions receipts, and make sure the amount payment is correct before he pay off the bill.
Same with his bank accounts transactions; when the saving/checking statements come home, he wants me to help him check it. He said he wants me to balance his check book. We have complete financial transparency.. He said I'm his wife, and he trust me. ]
I'm sorry but my husband make 80K a year have nothing to do with me. Because his money is in his Checking/Saving accounts at Chase bank is UNDER his name ONLY. I have NO access to it.
And it was ME that requested that I want it separate. He doesn't have much of a choice but let me have it my way, I make it very clear prior to we get married, I specificly said I do NOT want to joint bank account.
Now before you said I bully him. NOPE. I'm not.
Because who is the one benefits here from separate account? The person make 80K or the person make 20K?
I'm sure a 3 year olds can answer you that it is my husband that beneficial from it.
I refused to let him add my name on his account. I refused to joint account with him. Again, remember he make 4x more than me here, so who is the beneficial one? Sure it NOT me!
He cares for me he give me spending money, I'm grateful for that.. But I don't see why I need to joint account with him when I have my own source of income. I don't depend on him financially.
Remember, he make 4x more than me. He is the one that beneficial from me want to keep separate accounts.
And I'm willing to bet that he give me money is because he wants to make it up to me, it because he knows I don't want to joint bank account with him.
Anyways, this thread I don't come for advice on how I deal with financial with my husband. This is between me and him. Thank you.
Oh and Ms. jencam, I'm sorry what I mean is he wipes the water spots on the kitchen countertop.
I'm sorry English is my third language, so I didn't explain it clearly. What I mean is after I wash dishes there whole bunch of water spots on the kitchen countertop, and I just leave it there. He see it and he wipes he dry.
He doesn't wipes the water spots in the kitchen sink. He doesn't do that, lol
I cook and I wash dishes, it my job to wash the kitchen sink and keep it clean. What I mean by the water spots here is not in the sink. But it on the kitchen countertop.
It my fault actually, I should have wipes it. Having tons of water spots on the kitchen countertop after wash dishes is bad bad. I'm clumsy. I need to work on fix this habit of mine.
And Yes, I demand a 50% house down-payment. But do you know who that condo/townhouse is for? Guess what, 200% sure it NOT for me. Again, please don't make assumption.
Read this thread link below of mine, it will answer you who he house is for. And why I'm pushing him to buy that house. There so much background you missing about my relationship with this guy.
So far in this thread ONLY 1 person have been follow my post since 2014 and understand me. That is Ms. Wmsn4Life.
firse time home buyer, buy home for elder mother. 1 question need answer please
Here read this thread, click on the link to read it. And you know if I'm thinking for myself or I'm thinking for him.
Surprise surprise, the house is NOT for me. NEVER once I said I want a house. Those who follow my posting threads here know this.
Sure, I must be thinking for myself when I clearly said it will be HIS name ONLY on the house deeds mortgage. And I'm willing to walk out empty handed if one day we part.
I remember last year Ms. Wmsn4Life give me advice and said how dumb I am. Because ALL I think about is protect his financial when I don't think about protect my financial rights as his 'wife'. It all about protecting his financial. That is why I REFUSED to joint his bank, I REFUSED to let him put my name on his bank account.
eta: And answer the question on page 10, what I'm looking for in this thread is what I asked in the OP post. I asked a very simple question. Is his cleaning habit normal considering how he was raised by his mom. That was all to it.
And I have nothing further to comment on how we deal with our financial. If I want to keep separate account from him to protect his 4x more income, then I will darn do that as I wish. If I refused to let him put my name on his account, then I will darn do that as I wish.
I didn't come to this thread ask for financial advice. Thank you anyways.
Last edited by ishe; 02-24-2016 at 09:38 AM..
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You don't think there is a chance they could be just a nice and compassion person?
And he travels quite a bit, so it's become part of our routine that before he goes, he takes out all the trash, changes any light bulbs that are out (and asks me if there are any others that he's missed 
) He's a dream and I'm thankful everyday for him.
