getting married in college! how to ask parent. (wife, girlfriend, father)
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I know what im getting into as far as getting married young, please no lecture on the fact that we are young.
Basically me and my girlfriend are wanting to get married before transferring out to a university. We have been together for over 2 years. very dedicated, we love each others so much we wouldn't imagine the world without the other, even though at some point we didn't know the other's existence.
We already know we will get married. i know that she is the one and she knows im the one and we have no doubt. no relationship is perfect and we know that. but my parents make over 200k a year and they will not help for college. nor will they cosign for a loan. i cannot be approved for a loan on my own unfortunately.
upon reading and researching i have found that in order to obtain financial aid i would need to become independent. this will also allow me to be eligible for federal loans.
2 ways to become independant for FAFSA (Not for income tax which is different requirements)
1. be over 24 years old. problem with that is i am 20. and i will not take a 4 year break of school, i think that is irresponsible and who says i would ever go back and not get used to a restaurant manager's salary which i am. that type of salary is eventually not going to be sufficient to provide for a future familly like i want. therefore this option is not an option. also i would be kicked out by my parents and have to live on my own on a bad wage.
Or
2. Be married. this option seems to make a lot of sense especially since we already want to get married but not now because society says not to. but We know we do. we know we are made for each others. i want to emphasize on the fact that we are not getting married for financial aid, but rather as an additional advantage. marriage Motive should ONLY be for Love
It would reduce our combined student debt from around 50-60k to between 0-20k . i know how big debt can impact a relationship and sometimes it gets ugly. stress combined with trying to start a career and learn how to manage your money and pay bills can be very overwhelming.
if we get married we would go to school and live on campus at the apartments , very affordable which i have made a budget and we would still have over 600$ left over after all bills, food, groceries.
but all i am asking is how should i talk to her mom and how could i get her to understand and hopefully grant me permission, BTW her family is very religious and judgemental. i wouldn't be here asking for that question if they weren't. one important thing to mention though is they love me very much, they say that i am a blessing to my girlfriend but not only her to her family as well. (they have not said that to me, but have said that within the family)
I'm not certain I understand. So, to summarize: you and GF are committed and forever. You need to find a way to pay for more college when you transfer from community college to university because your parents won't fund tuition. You have researched and learned that if you were married it would be easier to get financial assistance and loan repayment would be easier. So, with all the compelling reasons you have decided to get married soon. But wondering how can you tell your parents that you have decided to marry now rather than wait a few years. Did I get this right?
Well, here's the thing: If you are still in the mindset that you have to ASK permission to get married, then yes, you are too young.
It's only when you and your girlfriend are adult enough and confident enough to walk in and say, "We ARE getting married," that this has any prayer of working. As an adult, you don't go around asking permission to make life choices. You evaluate them, weigh the pros and cons, and act accordingly.
One small red flag for me is that you are are apparently angry that "my parents make over 200k a year and they will not help for college. nor will they cosign for a loan." I have no idea what the history behind that is, it may be disappointment with your choice of study, or it may just be a hard-nosed "if you want it badly enough, figure out how to get it" mentality.
If you want it badly enough . . . go get it. :-) Your girlfriend is not her parents' personal property for them to bestow as they see fit.
Now, as a parent myself: Make very, very sure you have all your ducks in a row. While it's a bit old fashioned these days to vet a potential husband on his earning capacity, there are still the "What if's?" What if she gets pregnant? How will you pay for health insurance? You say you can take care of all your bills and still have $600 left over -- are you SURE you have accounted for EVERYTHING? They will want to know "what's the rush?", and the last answer they are going to want to hear is that "Because if I'm married, I can qualify for a student loan." Gee -- marry my daughter, and instantly get saddled with thousands and thousands of dollars worth of debt. You can see where they might not be too excited about that prospect, right? It's your girlfriend who is going to have to be the one to have this discussion with them. And if you guys are too afraid to have that conversation, then she's not mature enough to get married right now.
It would reduce our combined student debt from around 50-60k to between 0-20k . i know how big debt can impact a relationship and sometimes it gets ugly. stress combined with trying to start a career and learn how to manage your money and pay bills can be very overwhelming.
I understand that getting married will make you eligible to receive student loans, but I don't understand how that will lessen the debt that you will owe. Whatever amount you borrow will need to be paid back with interest - married or not.
Well, here's the thing: If you are still in the mindset that you have to ASK permission to get married, then yes, you are too young.
It's only when you and your girlfriend are adult enough and confident enough to walk in and say, "We ARE getting married," that this has any prayer of working. As an adult, you don't go around asking permission to make life choices. You evaluate them, weigh the pros and cons, and act accordingly.
One small red flag for me is that you are are apparently angry that "my parents make over 200k a year and they will not help for college. nor will they cosign for a loan." I have no idea what the history behind that is, it may be disappointment with your choice of study, or it may just be a hard-nosed "if you want it badly enough, figure out how to get it" mentality.
If you want it badly enough . . . go get it. :-) Your girlfriend is not her parents' personal property for them to bestow as they see fit.
Now, as a parent myself: Make very, very sure you have all your ducks in a row. While it's a bit old fashioned these days to vet a potential husband on his earning capacity, there are still the "What if's?" What if she gets pregnant? How will you pay for health insurance? You say you can take care of all your bills and still have $600 left over -- are you SURE you have accounted for EVERYTHING? They will want to know "what's the rush?", and the last answer they are going to want to hear is that "Because if I'm married, I can qualify for a student loan." Gee -- marry my daughter, and instantly get saddled with thousands and thousands of dollars worth of debt. You can see where they might not be too excited about that prospect, right? It's your girlfriend who is going to have to be the one to have this discussion with them. And if you guys are too afraid to have that conversation, then she's not mature enough to get married right now.
Excellent points.
It is really hard to imagine that you did a budget and still ended up with "money left over". What money did you start with? Student loans? Grants? Jobs? Money from her parents? What?
And, once you are married there are some things, like insurance through your parent's employer, that you may be taking for granted that will stop.
It is very telling that on my old college campus, they have a food pantry for low income families near the married student housing as so many students just can't make ends meet and the local churches do not want the children (& their parents) to go hungry. They also have a place for selling plasma near there, too, as so many students are totally broke and need to sell plasma to earn extra money just to survive.
And, you are saying that you will have money left over? It just does not make any sense.
Regardless of your parents’ income (which you really have no reason to reveal here), why are they so unwilling to help with your education?
Are you asking permission from her parents because it is a respectful thing to do or because you actually need the permission – would your GF not get married if her parents said not to?
In terms of how to ask her family – personally, I would just be straight and sincere with them. That you care about their daughter is all great but as parents, they are going to want to know how you plan to take care of her. They are going to want to be assured that they are leaving their daughter in the hands of a capable young man. There are many ways to project that but it’s really up to you to be yourself in terms of how you do it. But letting go is never desired so I expect their response (even if they are in favor) to not be 100% with balloons and confetti. I would think that they would need to be convinced and that’s not a one time conversation. The groundwork should be set already.
I’m not going to get into if you should or shouldn’t. I will however say that it appears there is some maturing left to do.
All you have to do is fill out your tax returns in february saying that no one can/will be claiming me as an independent. This, of course assumes you work, which I assume you do, at least part time.
You should let your parents know ahead of time, though, that this is your plan.
You don't need to get married to get the low income status and qualify for pell grants.
I would not worry too much about how you will pay for university, married or not. I read your OP and it seems to me that you may not eligible for university yet anyway. You may be better off staying in community college till you have a better command of the English language, at least in written form. Even with today's lax standards, and even if they did let you in to some 'university' somewhere, you would probably be throwing good money after bad because it could take you more years to complete a degree than someone who is able to communicate well, meaning you will shackle your new wife and yourself with an inordinate amount of debt upon graduation - in a world where new grads, even well spoken ones, are often finding it difficult to obtain good paying jobs.
That said, if I were your girlfriend and I found out that really the only reason you wanted to marry me was so you could finance college, I would not be that impressed.
I guess the bottom line in my opinion is if you need to "ask permission" to get married than you are too young to do it.
The exception, is that some men may feel that it is polite or traditional to "ask permission" of the father or both parents before they propose to the daughter. But, IMHO, it really is not asking permission, as much as "hinting" that they want money to help pay for the wedding because if the father says "No" most couples would get married anyway.
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