Would you rather have no friends or have friends you've nothing in common with? (divorced, conversation)

[Crazy-Cat-Lady]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

It's a metal band.

Oh I see. Sorry.

[Blitzmark]

Originally Posted by Crazy-Cat-Lady

Here's a question: would you rather have no friends or friends you have little or nothing in common with? Are you the kind of person that needs to have a squad around you constantly or can you be your own best friend?

I ask because I have a dilemma. For some reason, most of the few friends I have are in their early-mid 20's, including my 2 roommates. I feel like I can't connect with them on any level and I'm staring to think that I'd be better off without them. They aren't malicious in any way, but we've nothing in common. I find that as I've gotten older, I can't fake it anymore and I find myself feeling lonely among such people

Anyway, I'd be interested to hear other people's perspectives.

I have no friends at all. However I do have many aquaintences in my line of work that are good people and good to hang out with. I can trust them in any situation, like going to the bar and sing karaoke, or just sitting around after work and bs-ing...its all good fun and just "killing time" and having a good time. They've got their life and obligations and so do I. I have found that 99.9% of the people I have tried to befriend end up obliging for some altierer motive, which equates to untrustworthy to me so I tend to distance myself from most people. The acquaintances I speak of and I lead similar lives, married, kids, mortgage etc. Their personal lives are top priority as is mine. So when we cross paths outside of work, its simply to unwind and have a good time and then when its done, its back to business as usual. Has been working good for me for 10+ years.

[tassity22]

I wouldn't enjoy having no friends. But it's hard to have friends that you have nothing in common with. People in their 20s are in a different place in life, than people who are 30s, 40s or older.

[Aery11]

I don't know exactly how many words the Eskimos (oops I think we are not supposed to call them that any more .. Inuit) have for 'snow' but it is reputed to be quite a few.


I think we really need to have more words in the English language to describe (not 'in love') 'relationships' than we currently have. We only seem to have two - acquaintance and friend - though maybe 'companion' is occasionally used to fit a particular situation or role. Sometimes we add 'best' or 'true' or some other adjective to differentiate one from another that could appear to be of the same status, etc. but this is not descriptive enough in these days when social media may have many believing that almost everyone deserves to be on as many 'friends' lists as they want to be.


Consequently, I think most people don't really have a clue what it takes to be or make a true friend any more, what that means, why one would want to have one or two (not a trillion) in one's life. I would not be very surprised in many cases to find that many people who some regard as friends don't even know that 'friend's' last name or street address much less have met their family, or know that person's true interests/passions in life - but they may have shared a deep intimate secret in passing online, or even just a casual conversation or a joke, and they suddenly label that person as a 'friend'. Maybe 'you' don't do that but the problem is that so many do that we have no way to really understand any more what the word or state of friendship means.


To answer your questions - No.


I am currently without any real friends. I lost my best one when my husband died. I hope another good 'friend' will come along in time but if he/she doesn't, I can live with that.


I have a few acquaintanceships. The common bond may be interests but it may be just we live next door and wave to each other and know each other's names.


It is nice to have some contact with other human beings. I like to talk and listen. I like to know people's names and about their lives. I like to sit and chat with people. I am able to be alone for long periods just fine but I also like company.


Friendship is a very strong bond that is built over a long period. It could include at least some common interests, other than each other, but that is not actually necessary (though that may have been where and how you met initially). What I think IS necessary is a shared concern for each other, a great depth of caring about the happiness and welfare of the other, and a willingness to help them be the best they can be - and in return you get the same from them and both benefit. You don't (and probably could not handle well) usually have room in your life for more than one or two of those at any given time in my opinion.


So, if I can only have one or two real 'friends' in my life then everyone else is an acquaintance - simply because we really do lack the words to describe the different levels or stages along the continuum from acquaintance to friendship (and the fact that at any point, one can get on or off the 'friendship train' as well). It takes a lot of energy and devotion to be a good 'friend'/maintain a good friendship the way I look at it.


Acquaintances are a dime a dozen. They may come and go in and out of one's life. They may stick around long enough for something deeper to grow, but, most people are mere acquaintances .. not 'friends' as the social world would like one to think these days.

[Crazy-Cat-Lady]

I'm sorry that some of you have the same issues. Why is it so difficult to make friends post 30? I thought it was just me, but clearly I'm not alone in feeling alone. Most people my age group seem to be married with young children. I'd have as much difficulty connecting with those people as I would people 10 years younger. Has it always been been this way or is social media to blame? Where are tie fellow 30-somethings that are still trying to find their path? But I do feel like I'd rather just be alone than among 'acquaintances' who call themselves 'friends' because they're still a bit wet behind the ears to know what the word 'friend' truly means. The word 'love' is used far too often too. I just don't get it. I feel like a relic.

(Rant over).

[Skyl3r]

Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom

younger people complaining that it's hard to meet new people or make friends with the people they've met, but even amongst people I know (women in their upper 30's and 40's) it's still a problem

I know that when I went from private to public school, the mindset changed drastically. All of a sudden, wanting to hangout with someone was like showing weakness or something. You just don't ask people to hangout. When you do, you're kind of a weirdo.

Personally, I didn't really care about all that. I just did what I wanted to do and I made some good friends; but it was a pretty interesting dynamic. Not sure if that was just the school I went to or if that's how it is everywhere.

Originally Posted by Crazy-Cat-Lady

I think it definitely gets harder as you get older. And I feel like people in their early 20's basically exist on another planet. I am stuck with them for now, but once I move out of here I doubt we will keep in touch much.

I am out of school, but still hangout with friends I met in school. That said, I've made several friends through various means. I'll give examples, but you'll have to decide how that would apply to you:

I like cars, (specifically Rx7s ), so I go to club meets for those cars. I found them via social media and all the people there are people interested in the same thing.
I like programming, so I look up local programming competitions and such. The people there are all people who also enjoy programming, and sometimes I'll find people I get along with real well.
I like gymnastics, so I go to my local gymnastics center and the people there are all people who like gymnastics too.

When you really know you're on to something is when you go to the car meet and the guy you're talking to is a programmer too.


The important part is just being forward enough to talk to someone without them approaching you and being confident enough to ask for a number or add them on social media.

[batemansbay]

love yourself and the rest will come, delete your social media accounts. I used to have friends until I needed help and then their true colors came out. I don't have friends but I am never alone. I am also very happy.

[jazzcat22]

I've been wondering the same thing as the original question, although my focus is not on commonality of interests so much as qualities that are more difficult to define. It's more stuff like intelligence/some mental energy, but even more so, integrity and authenticity. That's what I find lacking and what makes "friendships" unsatisfying. I look more at how much time a person spends on their phone when we are together and whether I'm being treated like an insignificant alternative to the boredom of staying in at home alone.

I've joined countless Meetup groups that focused on a common interest, but found that it wasn't enough. We shared the same demographic/interest niche, but there were other things that were deal breakers. I joined vegan/vegetarian groups, but just the common diet wasn't enough. I found all too many of them only caring about four-legged animals but with little to no interest in the two-legged kind (sometimes they really seemed to hate humans). And people approach veganism in different ways for different reasons, so there wasn't necessarily as strong a commonality as I would have liked. And I didn't like the competition to see who was the "best" vegan.

Joined a Baby Boomer Meetup, but just because you were born within a few years of someone else doesn't mean that you have common interests.

As a nonreligious person, I joined atheist/agnostic Meetup groups, but found they were just as focused as not liking /adhering to religion as religious people are to liking and adhering to their religion. To me it was more a nonissue. I just don't have religion. There are other things to talk about. And I don't get uplifted by making fun of people who believe---and that's basically all they want to do.

I've always been liberal (becoming more of a moderate independent as I age), but hanging out with liberals wasn't the answer for me, either. I don't easily conform to groupthink. I watched the presidential debates with some liberal friends and found the conversation vapid ("You go, girl!" when Hillary spoke).

I have been friends with people who I virtually had nothing in common with, except that they were neighbors or people who wanted to be friendly. As long as they are warm, willing to treat me with respect and with some interest (not saying I am the most fascinating person, but if you have chosen and committed to spend time with me, don't act bored/more interested in your phone), and share something of their selves with me so I can learn something or better understand where other people are coming from, I get more out of it than just hanging with "like" people.

My difficulties have come not with attempting friendships with people who don't share lots of the same interests, but in accepting poor treatment from others. In putting much more energy in than I ever received (no, it doesn't have to be 50-50, but what's the point if it's always 99-1). By hoping for a true friendship that others were not capable or inclined to give.

[PhureeKeeper]

I think it's interesting the number of people who say they have no friends and are OK with it.
They must have a lot of family members to help bridge that gap, or are there that many people on C-D who are truly alone?

[Crazy-Cat-Lady]

jazzcat22 you sound like a really cool person. I'm sorry you have such a hard time finding people. You mentioned joining a group specifically for boomers. That's problematic in itself. We love to box people into a category. Including by the years we were born. It's pretty stupid really. Just because you were born within a certain time period means nothing. My issue with my half-friends is because they are just so young. But I'd have less issue being friend with someone 10 or even 20 years older.

I still want to know why making friends is so much more difficult than it was a few years ago though.

I am fine with my own company. I like to write and read, so that takes up a lot of my time anyway. Unlike people, books, music and movies have never let me down or disappointed me.