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I'm indifferent to it right now. I've had my world rattled at 40 with certain revelations about my mother. I now realize that my aversion to relationships is the natural outcome of my upbringing. I always used to wonder what was odd about me that I felt so content being on my own, and after a lifetime of gaslighting and manipulation that I've only recently seen clearly, I know it's a combination of lack of trust and lingering effects of low self-esteem. I'm not especially motivated to change it because I'm pretty happy at this point in spite of my mother's efforts, but I'm acutely aware that much of this was done TO me (though the choices I make going forward are all my own). It's not some inherent defect, and if I wanted to put in the work, I could make some changes. But honestly, I'm just glad I'm alive with good friends and a way to support myself comfortably.
My cousin is also like this for good reason. Same as you. If you hear her speak, she comes out with the most negative pre-concieved ideas about marriage I've ever heard. So she's doomed from the start. So afraid to be controlled
I think it's sad when an upbringing prevents someone from finding love. But just in the 3 months we've gotten to know each other, I've noticed a change. My hopes is in her old age she will find a partner, someone she can tolerate since we are human beings not meant to be walking our own path in life but with tge support and love of another. If not, that's how it will be but it's difficult not to blame our family for the outcome of this so called "independence" sometimes. Very few people have the special, very rare gift of singleness
Seeing people in bliss (wedding/birth of a child) is a bit like hugging a puppy. You think you want the puppy until you realize or regrettably find out that you perhaps weren't prepared for what that really means. In other words, as an example, there's more to marriage and having children than what you see as an observer. I just heard a summary of a study re: social media and how it creates a sense of inferiority or competitiveness among peers. People tend to only post info/pics of GOOD things in their life. Others consciously or unconsciously interpret this as the posters life is perfect/ideal/better than theirs. I found it very interesting.
Seeing people in bliss (wedding/birth of a child) is a bit like hugging a puppy. You think you want the puppy until you realize or regrettably find out that you perhaps weren't prepared for what that really means. In other words, as an example, there's more to marriage and having children than what you see as an observer.
My cousin is also like this for good reason. Same as you. If you hear her speak, she comes out with the most negative pre-concieved ideas about marriage I've ever heard. So she's doomed from the start. So afraid to be controlled
I think it's sad when an upbringing prevents someone from finding love. But just in the 3 months we've gotten to know each other, I've noticed a change. My hopes is in her old age she will find a partner, someone she can tolerate since we are human beings not meant to be walking our own path in life but with tge support and love of another. If not, that's how it will be but it's difficult not to blame our family for the outcome of this so called "independence" sometimes. Very few people have the special, very rare gift of singleness
I actually don't have negative ideas about being part of a couple. I have friends in wonderful relationships. But it's just not for me. I know what is necessary for it to work, and the person I am now is just not capable of it. It's fine, but I do wonder what I would have been like if my mother hadn't been constantly bullying me and undermining my sense of reality.
I've got a very full life with a lot of people who love me. But yeah, now I know why I'm alone.
Happiness isn't in money, children, spouse, new house. All illusions.
There is nothing inherently wrong with having children and being married. But many people in the lifestyle never wanted it. They fell for the culture, not their spouse.
I have no desire to be married and have children. Just like I have no desire to have a mortgage. I feel liberated that I don't have to have weddings, mortgages, screaming matches, etc.
Some man on here claimed he was empty being single and spending cash on himself. Well, in his case, he was fighting the reality that he did want to be married. But again, happiness is not external things. They just make us comfortable if we really want them.
We think everyone wants what "we" want, or what "the culture" wants. Biggest trap to fall in.
Some of the loneliest people are married with kids. How ironic?
Find happiness in yourself. Don't look "exteriorly."
Eternal celibacy is a scary thought in the minds of many American Evangelical Protestants. Saint Paul, revered more than the Virgin Mary by many Evangelicals - was celibate. And so was Jesus.... (I really don't care about religion...just making a point).
I do believe that are many more people cut out for celibate singlehood than we'd ever imagine. Much of it is cultural (our religion, upbringing). That's why few choose it, or admit to choosing it. They are scared of judgment.
It doesn't bother me to hear older people wanting everyone in a relationship. They're ignorant about life and what happiness is.
Just live and let live.
My grandmother was joked with about not wanting to date after my grandfather died. She was very disturbed by the coaxing to get her to date. She vowed that the part of her life was forever "OVER." And she lived 20 years after his death with not a single date.
Again, live and let live.
Respect other people's lifestyle. Not everyone wants what you want, or what you think is best.
I actually don't have negative ideas about being part of a couple. I have friends in wonderful relationships. But it's just not for me. I know what is necessary for it to work, and the person I am now is just not capable of it. It's fine, but I do wonder what I would have been like if my mother hadn't been constantly bullying me and undermining my sense of reality.
I've got a very full life with a lot of people who love me. But yeah, now I know why I'm alone.
Great wisdom here. You sound like you're doing very well. I suspect you'd be a great father and husband if it ever happened.
If not, that's good too
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FrancaisDeutsch
Eternal celibacy is a scary thought in the minds of many American Evangelical Protestants. Saint Paul, revered more than the Virgin Mary by many Evangelicals - was celibate. And so was Jesus.... (I really don't care about religion...just making a point).
I do believe that are many more people cut out for celibate singlehood than we'd ever imagine. Much of it is cultural (our religion, upbringing).
It doesn't bother me to hear older people wanting everyone in a relationship. They're ignorant about life and what happiness is.
Just live and let live.
My grandmother was joked with about not wanting to date after my grandfather died. She was very disturbed by the coaxing to get her to date. She vowed that the part of her life was forever "OVER." And she lived 20 years after his death with not a single date.
Again, live and let live.
Respect other people's lifestyle. Not everyone wants what you want, or what you think is best.
Hold up, I didn't say anything about being celibate.
Having to children just to avoid being alone in your old age is quite possibly the worst reason in the world to reproduce.
No one is saying that's the only reason people have children. But it's a perfectly valid reason for some people, even if you consider it "the worst reason in the world".
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