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OP, I've been there, numerous times. I know it does sting since after years of being there for a friend and putting most if not all of the effort in, it does honestly feel that we have earned the right for the favor to be returned. But the problem is that we have allowed the relationship to continue without asking much/anything of our so-called "friends" and they are perfectly happy with the dynamics of the relationship. Why would they ever want to change it/step up when it's been working out so well for them up to now? And often some of these people either can't or don't want to be there for us and reciprocate.
Check out this article by Martha Beck, a lifestyle coach, where she talks about emotional pirates. The scenario in the first paragraphs sounds so much like what you describe. A woman has made her peace with her friend just talking about herself, but finally wants to cash in the chips when something is troubling her. She tells her friend, "My father has cancer." Said friend's response: "Oh, that reminds me of the time my boyfriend, actually ex-boyfriend, thought he had skin cancer" and proceeded to go on and on, casting herself in the role of the dramatic heroine.
The article ends by discussing ways to cut ties with emotional pirates, starting off with the easiest and most gentle (just letting the friendship fade away) and progressing from there. Because why would you want to maintain the relationship? You have to look out for yourself. As the author notes, "Some people balk at the thought of putting self-care over a pirate's demands, but ignoring your needs to pour energy into a self-absorbed person's self-absorption isn't virtuous. It only sets you up to get hurt." She talks about feeling emotionally looted because these people don't want to generate their own emotional well-being. They want yours. They want your admiration, agreement, pity even if you are in the one in need. Some people are a little self-absorbed, some narcissistic, and then there are the emotional pirates who plunder every last ounce of energy and well-being you have. So how can you not feel victimized? And trust me, even though it has dramatically cut into my social life, I feel much more like I'm thriving instead of being victimized or just barely surviving with such people in my life.
Not a snide remark it's just life experience. Why be all bent out of shape with anyone who basically isn't losing any sleep over the situation? Life is too short. No one can control how another person should act or feel per our expectations. So the only option is to move on.
best thing i ever did was ditch all my high school friend. all they wanted was somebody with a job to buy the beer and a place to smoke dope. Its been 18 years now and its been great
Snide or snippy remarks. The outcome will be to let people go or just wait for them to come around again. What is the OP looking for? An explanation of why people act the way they do? We can only control ourselves and how we deal with life situations and life events.
My opinion? Cut her some slack about the time that she was dealing with her mother's illness.
My father became very ill last fall. He was in either the hospital, skilled nursing, or hospice from July until his passing in November. During that time, one of my best friends was going through the breakup of her marriage. As much as I wanted to be there for her, I had no emotional energy to spare. I couldn't take on the role of supporting her when I was bearly holding it together myself. Now, if you had looked at my Facebook during that time, you might have seen me going out for dinner or drinks with friends. It's not because I was "having time" or blowing off my needy friend. I simply needed to decompress and had friends who made certain that I took time to blow off some steam. They knew that if I didn't get out on occasion, even for an hour or two, and try to enjoy the company of friends, I would have fallen apart. When you're dealing with a terminally ill parent, it's just as important to care for yourself as it is to care for them.
I think this is an important point. If I am having a rough time but know great friend X is having an even rougher time of it than me, I am not going to have high expectations that the friend is going to be able to be there for me at that time. It's just not fair to that person. If I see them going out and having fun, that is because they need to go out and take care of their own mental health. The reality of any friendship is that people aren't going to be able to be there for you all the time. If I had a friend who had a parent in and out of hospice and doctor's appointments, I'd probably not discuss my relationship issues with that friend because I would consider them rather trivial in comparison. That doesn't make that friend an "emotional vampire"- it just makes her a friend who happens to have more issues at that time than I do. People only have one mom and one dad, and if they have to take on some of the caregiving or arranging, that can be all consuming.
Snide or snippy remarks. The outcome will be to let people go or just wait for them to come around again. What is the OP looking for? An explanation of why people act the way they do? We can only control ourselves and how we deal with life situations and life events.
You did the right thing. She was never there for you. Yet, you seem to always make time for her and not vice versa. She was just a very selfish person. Good riddance.
Hi everyone! I had a platonic female friend for almost 10 years. We basically grew up together from our teenage years. We shared almost everything.
Whenever she was going through trouble, i was her go to person for advice and consolation. When she needed to vent about her relationships, family and even when she needed career, life advice and help with college homework!
About a year ago i noticed that she talked to me less and less, whenever she did, it was because she needed help with something, not because she wanted to see if i was okay.
Whenever she wanted to hangout, it was because she needed something from me. When i suggested hanging out she was always busy. Which i was okay with at the time, because i know that people change, and dynamics change.
So last month i went through a terrible break up, there's this thing about guy friends that you just can't talk to them about something like a break up. They would either ask you to man up or just laugh at you for crying over something so "trivial"
So i reached out to my friend, the first three times she was busy. I asked for a fourth time and she agreed to meet, but it never happened. A month went by, not only did she not meet, she didn't drop me a single message to see how i was doing. Now this is a girl i have helped through countless breakups.
I was disappointed that the friend that i gave so much for, i needed something from her for once, and she couldn't give it to me.
So i had a conversation with her, and let her know that we can no longer be friends. In her defense, her mom was going through a life threatening disease(which is not a lie), but all you need to do is look at her newsfeed to realize that she had no trouble spending time with other friends during this time. It's not that she couldn't meet me, it's that i felt like i had no importance to her whatsoever during this time. I felt utterly used and betrayed.
I would like your opinion on this. Thanks
A few observations:
Facebook News feed isn't really an indication, in my opinion.
Her Mom was ill so her bucket for compassion and strength was was too full.
I would've ghosted her and not did anything formal, just leave her orbit, basically.
Hi everyone! I had a platonic female friend for almost 10 years. We basically grew up together from our teenage years. We shared almost everything.
Whenever she was going through trouble, i was her go to person for advice and consolation. When she needed to vent about her relationships, family and even when she needed career, life advice and help with college homework!
About a year ago i noticed that she talked to me less and less, whenever she did, it was because she needed help with something, not because she wanted to see if i was okay.
Whenever she wanted to hangout, it was because she needed something from me. When i suggested hanging out she was always busy. Which i was okay with at the time, because i know that people change, and dynamics change.
So last month i went through a terrible break up, there's this thing about guy friends that you just can't talk to them about something like a break up. They would either ask you to man up or just laugh at you for crying over something so "trivial"
So i reached out to my friend, the first three times she was busy. I asked for a fourth time and she agreed to meet, but it never happened. A month went by, not only did she not meet, she didn't drop me a single message to see how i was doing. Now this is a girl i have helped through countless breakups.
I was disappointed that the friend that i gave so much for, i needed something from her for once, and she couldn't give it to me.
So i had a conversation with her, and let her know that we can no longer be friends. In her defense, her mom was going through a life threatening disease(which is not a lie), but all you need to do is look at her newsfeed to realize that she had no trouble spending time with other friends during this time. It's not that she couldn't meet me, it's that i felt like i had no importance to her whatsoever during this time. I felt utterly used and betrayed.
I would like your opinion on this. Thanks
Sometimes we have to eliminate someone from our lives, if that person isn't adding to your life. If a person is using you, not appreciating you or generally making you feel bad, it's much better to just eliminate.
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