Asking family member to let me know what I do that bugs them, to improve Thanksgiving? (gatherings, family holidays)
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Why don't you, then? Tell your brother you're not traveling and invite Jane to yours for a get-together.
Yup.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook
Why don't you and Jane go somewhere nice and keep it simple?
Yup.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man
The solution is so blindingly obvious: don't go. If neither your brother nor your sister-in-law like you, and you don't seem to like your brother either (though you do speak well of your SIL), then why subject yourself to all this frustration?
And how is Jane involved in all this? Is she also part of this family? Or is she connected to you (such as being your girlfriend) but is not related to your brother or SIL?
Assuming that Jane has a relationship with your brother and/or SIL independently of yours, it's up to her to decide whether or not to go. But I see no upside to you going, and plenty of upside to staying home (with or without Jane).
My sister had a bad and lengthy habit of blowing up at me for no obvious reason other than perhaps paranoia. She had fits after my mother died and she was not happy when my wife and I questioned some of her extremely questionable decisions.
She decided to go to Europe in the middle of the entire process. She said she'd give us POA but never did. So she tied our hands regarding estate activities while she was galavanting about Europa.
She called once when my wife and I were in our attorney's office. Wish I'd taken a couple of pictures of his puzzled face.
My wife and I visited her after we were married. She created a loud yelling embarrassing scene in a restaurant claiming "I just want you to be happy!" when making plans here and there, that we were not interested in, and all we wanted to do was chill.
She did other blow-ups while we were there. In retrospect, we should've packed our bags and left. There was no gain to sticking around.
She blew up at me after asking my opinion about a passport (IIRC) photo. When I told her it's not her best and she might consider another pic, BOOM!
Yet her comment regarding a business card with my photo on it? "That's hideous!"
BTW, that visit was our first and last. And the conversation about her photo, where she responded to my opinion by screaming "You hate me!" and yelling other inanities, that was our last phone conversation.
I sent her an email a few days after I hung up on her screaming, detailing her history of hysterical explosions. No answer.
We communicate occasionally by email. She has never acknowledged ANY of my comments regarding her insane temper and hysteria or paranoia. Not terms I used with her, but how I describe it.
Nothing about her going ballistic when I honestly answered a simple question/opinion she asked.
That's a lengthy response and obviously some venting going on there. It's a long way of saying, when there's nothing to gain and something to lose, find a more productive way to spend your time. With people who appreciate you more.
I would decline any invitations. I would be unhappy being somewhere I wasn't wanted. Like someone else said, maybe it's your brother and not you and/or Jane. I am assuming you both have company manners and aren't getting drunk and dancing with lampshades on your head.
For Thanksgiving, one family member ("Jane") and I are heading to my brother's house for a 24-hour visit. My brother and his family dislike Jane and constantly tell me how much Jane bugs them. I'm sure that they think the same of me.
My family is very direct. I'm thinking of emailing my brother before the visit, saying, "You tell me how much Jane bugs you, and I don't want to be a Jane, so just let me know specific things I've done in past visits that annoy you all, so I won't do them again." I'm sure that my brother would respond with a whole list of things. His wife is the kindest and most gracious person, and she might find that odd.
Question: Good idea to ask for that kind of feedback before going? I figure that it's better to know the "ground rules" in advance, to make for a better trip, but it's certainly not a normal thing to ask for.
Thanks.
(Op/Ed): Yes, how about you do the complete opposite of what you suggested. If you feel it's necessary, have that conversation in person in a frank, yet exceedingly tactful and loving way. It's called "facing conflict" and you and the other person need to be fully open to direct feedback for higher-performance, it will go well enough.
Very few people can do that socially. People providing that kind of "feedback" to siblings in an email need to have their heads examined, since it 99/100 times exacerbates problems.
...Which includes me, because I have critical conversations and provide high-performance feedback at work, and not via an "email." We have it 1:1 over coffee or in a focus room. Formal evals are written remarks, signed by the associate after Q&A. My managers have them with me, I have them with directs.
...And I have no time/interest in it in my personal life. None, zero, because I just don't care. Not sure why you do, either, since it will not IMO reduce the net volume of complaining what your brother and the family will do about you, next time you're not around. At all times, socially and professionally, strive to be the best version of you.
If they don't like you, that's too damn bad socially. Guess they should stop inviting you over, then. /Op.Ed.
OP, I don't think your idea is terrible, but I think the timing of it is. I understand wanting to get to the root of whatever the problem is, but if you do it now it will be on everyone's mind during the holiday. That seems like it would make for a long, uncomfortable day for all of you. If it were me, I'd very delicately bring the subject up at some more neutral time, like mid June or something.
Exactly. Seems to me that getting everyone "primed" and ready for a dreaded event isn't going to help anything. Sure, to some degree they are already anticipating it, but this won't exactly soothe anyone's feathers.
For Thanksgiving, one family member ("Jane") and I are heading to my brother's house for a 24-hour visit. My brother and his family dislike Jane and constantly tell me how much Jane bugs them. I'm sure that they think the same of me.
My family is very direct. I'm thinking of emailing my brother before the visit, saying, "You tell me how much Jane bugs you, and I don't want to be a Jane, so just let me know specific things I've done in past visits that annoy you all, so I won't do them again." I'm sure that my brother would respond with a whole list of things. His wife is the kindest and most gracious person, and she might find that odd.
Question: Good idea to ask for that kind of feedback before going? I figure that it's better to know the "ground rules" in advance, to make for a better trip, but it's certainly not a normal thing to ask for.
Thanks.
I think this is terrible idea. I mean, there are worse ideas for Thanksgiving, such as, "Hey, let's fry the turkey in the den rather than outside!" or "I've decided we should eat vegan this year" or any number of others. But if you want to spoil Thanksgiving for everyone, this would pretty much make the Top Ten list.
If your brother doesn't care for Jane (Who knows if this is correct or not), that's between the two of them, not the entire family to hash out at Thanksgiving. What's more, saying that Jane bugs him is not the same as saying that he does not like Jane. Heck, I have a brother who bugs me all the time, but I still love him all the same. So what you're doing is putting him on the spot, creating friction where it's wholly unnecessary, and general guaranteeing that everybody will wind up fishtailing out of the driveway the moment it's polite--and possibly before that.
On the other hand, it does have its advantages. First, he'll have someone new to dislike. And you likely won't have to worry about future Thanksgiving invitations at his house.
Thanks. Both items you list are problems. My brother and sister in law do not like Jane and me--that's clear--but they probably figure that they "have" to tolerate us on infrequent occasions because otherwise there is no family whatsoever, other than a few of SIL's relatives. SIL is totally blameless- she is a wonderful person, and it's not "required" to like someone.
Well, given the lack of awareness and people skills exhibited in your OP, I can imagine why.
I feel you, OP. My in-laws, particularly my MIL, do not like me and never have. They tolerate me because they love their son. I'm normally a very bubbly person who enjoys social occasions, but I honestly dread being with them for holidays, which tend to be higher stress than usual. Even my husband has noticed that I retreat to a corner and avoid most conversation for fear that it might cause offense. It's worse because one of my children is my mini-me. Thanksgiving is still a week away, and I'm already tying myself in knots over what I will do this year that cause her scathing disapproval. Anyway, I hope it brings you some modicum of comfort to know that someone else will be on edge this next week, too.
Last edited by randomparent; 11-16-2018 at 06:34 PM..
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