Setting boundaries with friends (house, conversation, neighborhood, business)

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by tjay

I am in a situation where I am watching my daughter's friend while the grandparents are away (whom I am also friends with, they 'chauffeur' the grandchildren because the parents have to work). The child's mother often comes and picks her up after work, but talks incessantly. She'll stay for over an hour and it's become very burdensome. I try to say that I have 'this or that' to do, drop major hints of being busy, etc. But it falls on deaf ears. Often when I say things, she just talks over me and doesn't even hear what I say, even after I repeat it several times. Once I tried having dinner ready shortly after she arrived. I was dishing it onto the plates, saying, 'Well, we have to eat dinner now'. She just stood there and continued to talk! I started carrying the plates over to our table to eat, and she still did not get the hint. Finally I said that she would have to leave and she made a joke about 'kicking her out' and continued to dawdle her way out the door. I feel like I am on some crazy reality tv show where the point is to torture me endlessly, until I snap. I really don't want to snap, as our families rely on each other and our kids are best friends. I am also an introvert on top of being extremely busy, and I don't enjoy talking excessively, especially about mundane things that don't interest me in the least. I often feel completely deflated after these 'pickups', and frustrated that I'm in this situation (next time I will say 'no'!). Any ideas on how to politely get rid of someone (who doesn't listen, talks over you, and has no desire to leave)????

my maternal mother was like that, very selfish....sometimes you have to hit people with a 2 x 4 to get their attention....next time, gently take her arm and say, I am very serious, I have to get going....and don't tell her why...just say you can't stand there and talk for an hour every night....or watch for her, and when you see her coming, take the child outside with you on the porch and hand her over, that way you can escape and close the door behind you....

I look at it this way, you don't have to be rude, but with people like this, you need to be blunt....and to the point....

good luck

[Praline]

I think the best advice was given by the posters that said have the child ready with his/her coat on when the mom rings the doorbell and hand her over.

[ClaraC]

I can't tell how often this happens -if it's a couple times a month or less, I'd just leave when the mom got there. Hand the child, walk out the door with your child and your keys, and go run a quick errand.

Or just drive around the block.

You've even told her "you have to leave now" and she won't. It's not like you're being too subtle.

Best wishes with it.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

I can't tell how often this happens -if it's a couple times a month or less, I'd just leave when the mom got there. Hand the child, walk out the door with your child and your keys, and go run a quick errand.

Or just drive around the block.

You've even told her "you have to leave now" and she won't. It's not like you're being too subtle.

Best wishes with it.

Another great suggestion.

[hertfordshire]

Originally Posted by blueherons

Have daughter speak to this mom.

It sounds like the daughter is the same age as the child she is caring for. They are friends.

[jencam]

"I wish that I had time to chat, but I have too much to do before we eat dinner". I realize that alone won't work, but it's a polite way to start off when you open the door. Obviously, don't invite her in expecting her to leave when you want her to.

Then stand in the doorway or say 'Excuse me while I get ______' and close the door.

[Parnassia]

OP this sounded like a temporary situation...while the grandparents were away? When are they due back?

If you agreed to pick up the slack temporarily you aren't being "dumped on", but you can still manage it. Having kid ready at the door, sitting outside may well work. I also like the suggestion that you have a quick errand to run and are standing there with car keys in your hand. However, there might be a snag there...you'd have to make it convincing every single day.

[Zoisite]

Originally Posted by tjay

I am in a situation where I am watching my daughter's friend while the grandparents are away (whom I am also friends with, they 'chauffeur' the grandchildren because the parents have to work). The child's mother often comes and picks her up after work, but talks incessantly......

I agree with what others said about having the child ready and waiting with her coat on at the door when the mother arrives. Do NOT let the mother step foot into your house. Smile and say "good bye, in a rush, gotta go" and shut the door. If that option doesn't work then your other option is the following:

You said the child's parents are working which suggests the child has a working mother and father. If you can't get the message across through the mother's thick head about monopolizing your time for so long each time she comes for her daughter then speak to her husband about it and ask him to intervene with her. Tell him you don't mind babysitting his daughter but you're a busy person with your own family to attend to at dinner time and don't have time to stop what you're doing to chat and entertain his wife every time she arrives and she seems to be resisting or refusing to understand that.

What is the daughter like, is she a non-stop chatterbox like her mother?


.

[kelly237]

Walk them all to the car...

[K12144]

OP, if this person is your friend, has this been an issue in the past? Has she been to your house before? Have you had problems with getting her to leave those times?

Originally Posted by ClaraC

I can't tell how often this happens -if it's a couple times a month or less, I'd just leave when the mom got there. Hand the child, walk out the door with your child and your keys, and go run a quick errand.

Or just drive around the block.

You've even told her "you have to leave now" and she won't. It's not like you're being too subtle.

Best wishes with it.

Eventually OP's kid would probably ask why they drive around the block every time "Susie" goes home. OP's kid will blab to Susie. Susie will likely blab to her mother.

Seems to me OP is just going to have to be brutally-honest, unfortunately. It's not like any of these ruses won't be painfully obvious to the other mother anyway that she's being herded out the door-- OP has to run an errand or is on the phone or whatever every day? Implausible. Having the kid standing outside the door is going to seem inhospitable to both her and her mother. Might as well let the friend know why, instead of treating her like she's too stupid to figure out something is going on. It doesn't have to be mean, simply, "Jenny, I really don't have time to talk when you come to pick up Susie, sorry. Maybe we can talk some other time."

Originally Posted by Zoisite

You said the child's parents are working which suggests the child has a working mother and father. If you can't get the message across through the mother's thick head about monopolizing your time for so long each time she comes for her daughter then speak to her husband about it and ask him to intervene with her. Tell him you don't mind babysitting his daughter but you're a busy person with your own family to attend to at dinner time and don't have time to stop what you're doing to chat and entertain his wife every time she arrives and she seems to be resisting or refusing to understand that.

For all we know, he's the reason she doesn't want to go home...

Also, why speak to this woman's husband, as if she's a child and he's a parent who needs to be notified of and rectify his kid's behavior? Is this friend a grown-arse adult or not? If she isn't mature as an adult should be such that her husband needs to be consulted to keep her in line, or if she can't understand/respect boundaries in a way the OP doesn't like, it sounds like it's time for the friendship to end. And if OP can't scrape together the huevos to have a difficult conversation with her friend, why push off the duty on the husband, who isn't even involved in this situation?