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Levow... can I provide a different side of things? I know you will get very defensive at what I'm about to say, and I think that's normal. But if you look at what I say subjectively, I think you will understand what I'm saying... even if you don't agree with it. And I'm just basing this off of what you told us.. not all the details in between. So, please read this as a different side of things... may be reality... may be perception.. or may be even fantasy... but just read it objectively.
To be honest... his infidelity with his wife (your mother) is really none of your business (to an extent). It IS your business that his serious laps of judgement in having that affair ruined your life with regards to having two parents... but he cheated on her, not you. So, the infidelity shouldn't provide any resentment in your heart towards him. The fact that he did anything that facilitated the splitting up of the family is understandbly irritating.
I don't know (and you don't mention) how bad the break up between he and your mother was... but since the marriage ended apparently because of the infidelity, I imagine it was pretty ugly. And I believe that whether you remember it or not, your mother probably had some negative things to say about your father quite often. Again, I'm not arguing whether it was warranted, just want you to think about this in a detached way (if possible). For four years.. four influential years... you probably heard your mom talk negatively about your father, if not directly to you, to others. Or its even possible you picked up on it through her behaviors. Regardless, over time you grew to feel uncomfortable, and you stopped seeing him. Do you know what your mother told him about you stopping to see him? Even if she was honest and said ".. our daughter doesn't feel comfortable seeing you, so I'm not bringing her over anymore..." why in the world would he want to force himself on you if you were uncomfortable? You say he never wanted to come see you...but you were the one who said you didn't want to see him.
The next thing you mention is that the next time you see him, is in court. Now, let's see... he did something stupid... your mom left him... more than likely bad-mouthed him... possibly from his perspective you were "brain-washed" against him... and he didn't even get to see you after you were seven... yet... your saying "I don't want to see you... I don't want to know you.. I'm uncomfortable with you... but just send your money!!!" Uh.. sounds trite I know... but I'd have a hard time too (not saying he shouldn't have taken care of you.. but you and her made it clear he wasn't anything at that point but a sperm donor). Now you're in court suing him and don't understand why he won't shake your hand??
I don't know how old you are now... but for at least 17 years you pushed your father away, or at the very least cut him out of your life (by choice). And you're hoping for a relationship?
All this said, I think you should try to contact him... but I think you should face the fact that after all he's been through (from HIS perspective), I wouldn't expect a warm reception. But, for your sake, and the sake of his grandkids.. I hope he can be a bigger person and understand what you're trying to do and reach back to you!!! He owes that much to you as his daughter! Good luck.. and if you do contact him, please let us know what happens!!!
I think as we get older we just accept people for who they are, the good and bad, short comings and what not. As a good father you would probably like to see your children have a grandfather and I can understand that. I hope for your sake he has it in him.
Like I said before, HE was the adult and needed to act like one. The OP was a child and the victim so SHE should search her soul for her wrong doing???
This man left the family, his child, his responsibilities as a father and husband. Whether the OP acted "appropriatelly" at the age of 7 when ties were broken is irrelevant. Children are not expected to act like adults. The father should have been man enough to love her through it and guide her through the rough spots...after all, he created him.
Let's put the responsibilty, or lack there of, back on HIS plate.
And to address the back child support court date, why shouldn't she and her mother held this guy responsible? He did not fulfill his COURT ORDERED DUTY and had to pay the price...TOO BAD his feelings were hurt. He would not have been in the situation if he had been a man and done the right thing.
Is there any chance that your dad doubts his paternity with you? I always wondered why my dad favored me and all but ignored my brother and sister. I found out when I was 16 that he wasn't their father.
First of all people, thanks for all the advice, it has really put alot of things in perspective. Second of all, im a man, im not a female, lol, i noticed alot of you referred to me as his daughter. Lastly, unlike Rathargos said, my mom, never placed, bad thought in my head, or talked nasty about him, in fact, my aunts were the ones that told me, why they divorced, not my mom! I felt uncomfortable, because, when i would go to his house, he would just ship me off, with my aunts, he would never make time for me, i dont even recall "ANY" conversation ive ever had with him. I do remember him giving me a "dukes of hazzard" playset, thats the last thing he ever gave me. My mom never pursued CHILD SUPPORT, the d.a. did, cmon, who would be going to a child support case at 24, the d.a was seeking backpay, because he never ever payed. To be honest, i wouldnt be opposed to having a relationship with him, put i do sometimes feel the urge to sock the sh*t out of him, sorry, but thats the way i feel. I want a relationship for my sake, but alot of it too, is 4 my babies, my mom says my son looks identical to him. Recently, my son particularly, has been showing some interest in wanting to meet him, he knows even where he lives. I think he got divorced or something, because hes living with my grandma again. I believe my Grandpa passed away not sure though. Funny thing is that, my son, is actually named after my late step dad, he passed away 9 yrs ago from cancer. My mom was with him from the time i was 9 yrs old until he passed away when i was 21. For that time he was my dad, a wonderful man, never raised a hand to me, he helped me become a man. The only thing is he died, a year before my son was born, so my son never met him. My daughter did, so to her my stepdad, is her grandpa, she has no desire to meet my dad. I do want to thank my dad for 1 thing....id like to thank him for making me a better man and a wonderful father, because of him, i'll never treat my kids, like he treated me. Its just a conflict od emotions, that i cant come to grips with, i just want to give him a piece of my mind and ask him a couple of things. After the cobwebs have been cleared, then we can move on from there.
Funny thing is that, Ive talked to his wife on 1 or 2 occassion, i called her from work, they were delinquent on an acc, and i asked her if she knew my dad, and she was like "bobby' is that you, she then proceeded to tell me, that my dad supposedly would cry himself to sleep, because of what he had done to me. He said that he wanted to reach out to me, but he thought, i would reject him. Yeah, but the 2 times he had a chance to reach out, he completely ignored me ha?...
Look, the two "chances" he had to reach out to you were during contentious, adversarial situations --a circumstance that's not exactly conducive to patching things up. Either reach out to him, or don't. But don't sit around being resentful that he's not reaching out to you while you're sitting here hedging on the issue yourself. You're an adult now too. It's time to act like one. Time to make your decision and then make peace with it, whichever way you decide to go.
Look, the two "chances" he had to reach out to you were during contentious, adversarial situations --a circumstance that's not exactly conducive to patching things up. Either reach out to him, or don't. But don't sit around being resentful that he's not reaching out to you while you're sitting here hedging on the issue yourself. You're an adult now too. It's time to act like one. Time to make your decision and then make peace with it, whichever way you decide to go.
Great advice... s*** or get off the pot... the best advice in this place most of the time.
You need to make a decision, and stick by it. But you need to go with a clear head. NO expectations... if he's willing to form a relationship with you and your sons, you can't just back out.. so make sure you're willing to take the steps forward if you go.
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