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I help alot of my friends, mostly fixing euipment for their hobby. I never expect help in return, or payment of any kind. I just tell them, if I didn't want to help you I wouldn't. You don't owe me anything. One thing I've noticed from my group of friends, quite often someone will ask me if I need help with a project.
Yes lovesmountains, I call these people "score-keepers". They keep a running tab in their head of whatever they've done for you, and wait for just the right time to cash in, usually when they've got something really big they need. They also value what they've done for you much higher than what they ask from you. They give you a ride to the airport and expect you to help paint their house in return.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Do you avoid doing favors for certain friends because you KNOW they will expect something from you in return?
When I help someone I never go into it thinking "now they owe me and I'm gonna make them pay up!" I just help to be helpful and because I care about the person. If they never help me in a similar situation that doesn't bother me. Like I said, I don't think they "owe" me.
But I'm at the point with two friends where I never want to accept help from them with anything again - which is ackward, because they volunteer without being asked And while I appreciate the help, in the end it's not worth it if I have to live with their expectations that I HAVE to help them when they need something. I just don't like that feeling of someone holding something over my head. Can anyone relate?
But if you feel that way (the first paragraph) why would the 2nd bother you? You care about them anyway so... But, yes, I know what you're saying. I've seen others go through that. I don't recall it myself.
Do you avoid doing favors for certain friends because you KNOW they will expect something from you in return?
When I help someone I never go into it thinking "now they owe me and I'm gonna make them pay up!" I just help to be helpful and because I care about the person. If they never help me in a similar situation that doesn't bother me. Like I said, I don't think they "owe" me.
But I'm at the point with two friends where I never want to accept help from them with anything again - which is ackward, because they volunteer without being asked And while I appreciate the help, in the end it's not worth it if I have to live with their expectations that I HAVE to help them when they need something. I just don't like that feeling of someone holding something over my head. Can anyone relate?
I do not think so, unless you count roommates and cleaning. My friends and I help each other out when we can. It's not like keeping score or anything.
You know what I've seen? "Disinterested" third parties making a comment about the favor when the recipient is of the OPPOSITE gender. Anyone heard this wonderful observation? "You're just being nice so you can get in his (or her, as the case may be) pants!"
Sometimes you might even hear it from the person the favor is being done for.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar
You know what I've seen? "Disinterested" third parties making a comment about the favor when the recipient is of the OPPOSITE gender. Anyone heard this wonderful observation? "You're just being nice so you can get in his (or her, as the case may be) pants!"
Sometimes you might even hear it from the person the favor is being done for.
Some people think just because they do that that everyone must.
Yes lovesmountains, I call these people "score-keepers". They keep a running tab in their head of whatever they've done for you, and wait for just the right time to cash in, usually when they've got something really big they need. They also value what they've done for you much higher than what they ask from you. They give you a ride to the airport and expect you to help paint their house in return.
I don't have any friends like this LM, but I wonder if it's possible to consider parents "score-keepers"? I really think mine are just that. It sounds terrible, but my parents have a tendency to remind me of everything they have ever done, especially how it translates to money.
It's as if I still owe them for the fact that they chose to buy me better clothes, a nice first car and take me on vacations with them when I was younger; those are just some of the tabs they keep. In exchange they would like for me to co-sign loans, partner in questionable investments on their behalf and be a their beck and call, even at the expense of my husband and children. When I don't or won't, of course, I'm ungrateful.
I know how you feel ,LM. Some people just don't know how to behave and back off. At least they are not family or your hubby (who is a good man, we know) so you have some wiggle room. No such luxury for me
ouch, so sorry! So your husband is a score keeper?
I don't have any friends like this LM, but I wonder if it's possible to consider parents "score-keepers"? I really think mine are just that. It sounds terrible, but my parents have a tendency to remind me of everything they have ever done, especially how it translates to money.
It's as if I still owe them for the fact that they chose to buy me better clothes, a nice first car and take me on vacations with them when I was younger; those are just some of the tabs they keep. In exchange they would like for me to co-sign loans, partner in questionable investments on their behalf and be a their beck and call, even at the expense of my husband and children. When I don't or won't, of course, I'm ungrateful.
Yikes, I don't envy you! I know of parents like that and think it's really sad, and a whole lot worse than friends that do this to you
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And while I appreciate the help, in the end it's not worth it if I have to live with their expectations that I HAVE to help them when they need something. I just don't like that feeling of someone holding something over my head. Can anyone relate?
