lost and lonely in Nova, PLEASE help (Washington: dorm, high school)

[LVMYDACH]

Originally Posted by rvasonicbloom

Cry me a river.

Stop comparing yourself to others and searching for happiness.

Find a hobby like music or martial arts or painting.

Close yourself off from the world and focus on your hobby.

Everything else will flow in.

There are 2 different kinds of happiness. One is the happiness you get after you eat a meal and feel full.
The other is the happiness that arises with the realization of the final goal of life.

What is the purpose of your life? To meet friends?

Do something.

Rvasonicbloom, if I remember correctly you did a post on the Richmond forum back in early July titled "richmond dating sucks for young single professionals" in which you stated "It seems like it's really hard to meet new people" "I need some help meeting new people and having fun in this town" "Is it me, or is it just really hard to date in this town? How do you all meet new people?" I guess you found yourself kind of in the same situation as the OP, alone and finding it hard to make friends. So I'm wondering if you have a hobby as you have suggested to the OP that has helped you have purpose in your life and not worry about meeting friends?

[perries]

Hi maria - you know, people seem to assume that the early 20's are a great time of life, but I think (and my experience was) that it is a very stressful time of life. It was a time when I really thought that I would be free of some of the extreme family situational issues that dogged me in growing up years, only to discover that instead of feeling carefree, I was lacking in some adult life skills that there had never been a chance to develop. So instead of just being free of the past, it turned out there was a lot more work to do in learning and gaining skills I had missed out on. Also, there was work to be done on gaining some perspective and reconciling with the pros and cons of the past, because you also must have some special strengths and resilience that you have gained through your particular background. It's perhaps human nature to focus more on what is troubling us than to think about/appreciate what we've gained from the same experience.

Even if it wasn't for background issues, the early 20s seemed to me to be a weird, transitional, wilderness kind of a time where often everything seems up for grabs, and many relationships seemed very superficial or fleeting because my peers were in that same transitional time too. So there's a part of your current experience that probably isn't about your somewhat unusual background, but about the time of life, generally. But that's a good thing because it gives you a chance to think about what you would like your life to look like - and it is truly up to you and much is under your control and direction. You get to experiment with what kind of connections you would like to make and connecting with people who share your interests.

I can promise you based on experience, not the same as yours, but similar, that as you work on your areas where you are feeling deficits and lack of skills, you will feel really personally satisfied by your progress because it is strengthening to take on things that challenge you - it grows you in unexpected ways. You can support yourself along the way by being your own best buddy, encouraging and supporting your efforts, understanding your setbacks, and not being your own worst enemy and being super self-critical. It's a practice thing, and there are other folks who will really get where you are coming from and what you are working on.

It's good that you have a steady job and a generally stable situation. I don't think moving again will solve your problem, since 'wherever you go there you are.' A stable foundation is a good base that allows you to concentrate on improving the areas of your life where you are feeling the need for improvement - in your case for connection. You may not be feeling like this today, but you are well placed to make changes at your own pace in this area.

I agree with KathyR, your post took guts and those guts are going to help you shape your life into something satisfying that makes you happy and satisfies your need to feel connected. Now if I was you I'd hit the library and looks up a bunch of books on connection, friendship, social anxiety, maybe check out The Artist's Way, and then sign up for a yoga class and some volunteer stuff. Just to get the ball rolling. Best of luck to you!

[ACWhite]

I'd like to encourage you to consider getting some counseling to help you sort out the very good questions you have raised and provide support as you go through the process. Sometimes we need more than exhortations to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and a good counselor is priceless (there are bad and mediocre ones too, so don't be afraid to try several until you find the right one for you). Good luck to you and be sure to post again and update us!

[Gottasay]

Mariagostrey -- look for my PM. I actually know what you are going through.

[Denton56]

Volunteer for something that really interests you. Do you love dogs? Find a rescue group and volunteer. Are you concerned about homeless people? Volunteer in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter or a shelter for abused women. Are you interested in politics? Volunteer to work on a campaign or for a political party. How about a group that supports human rights around the world? By volunteering for a cause you support you will meet lots of other people who think like you. It will also make you feel good that you are helping others.

[bmwguydc]

There are some great suggestions in this thread. I would like to add that you're a dynamic young lady who has achieved much in life. You have proven that you have the will to survive adversity and flourish -- overcoming an imperfect education owing to your travels, as just one example. You also have friends, though not locally, so what I think you need to do is find outlets to expand your circle of friends as busy areas like Northern Virginia can be difficult in which to make friends.

What would you like to do but never took the time to do previously? Would you like to take a dance class? There are many places you can explore to do that, even Glen Echo. Or, enroll in a course at L'Acedmie de Cuisine to learn some new cooking skills? Let yourself have some fun exploring what you would like to do as you take on this latest challenge in life. If you are doing something that's fun, you will let your own personality shine, and you will not be measuring progress against a benchmark within your own mind. You will be progressing in a new skill, and you may just make a friend or two who know other people, and can thus begin to expand your local circle. And, you have only yourself to answer to in this stage of your life, so let yourself have fun -- you're not subject to a rigorous academic schedule, demands of a family, or any other of the time hogs that can prevent someone from doing something fun.

[marie5v]

Originally Posted by RestonRunner86

I've played the game of "NoVA social politics" for a year-and-a-half now here, so hit me up if you ever need any pointers. There was some major unpleasantness in my life this year that has now just imploded on everyone else and landed in my favor, as they underestimated my cunning. If you want to truly know how to keep two steps ahead of anyone who means to do you harm, then I'm your man!

I'm intrigued. Sounds like Housewives of DC. Will any details be forthcoming?

[elias9193]

Hi Maria I would suggest you take Zumba classes, for one it will put you in a great mood every time you go and two you will meet lots of young professionals like yourself and it will be easy for you to start making friends. My wife started classes 6 months ago and she is so energetic and much happier and has made lots of wonderful friends.

[Nancy in Nokomis]

There are a lot of people out there like you - so dont feel alone.
I think volunteering is the best way to give meaning to your life and you will meet the nicest people along the way. Join a local animal rescue group - they always need people to hold and showcase a dog outside of a Petsmart or Petco - when I had time to do this I met some of the best people of my life.

[South Jersey Styx]

I think you might have agoraphobia. I am not a counselor or anything but it sounds more than basic shyness, lack of potential friends, or being in a mean/nasty area.

I only say this because I am a military brat. I was born on a military base and moved every 2-3 yrs. So I know what it's like to pick up and leave friends and get accustomed to a new place and new friends, over and over and over again. You've been somewhere permanent for awhile and it doesn't seem normal to reject social situations and turn to the internet as the sole form of socialization.

There are some great suggestions here from Poster regarding meeting new people at church, doing hobbies, taking classes/school, volunteering, etc. Participating in these activities will introduce you to people who have similar interests. The one worry is that if you have some kind of condition or anxiety, then these things won't help either until you come to terms/obtain treatment. Best of luck and I hope things work out for you.