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I completely understand. Heck, I have a kid. But I don't like to hear people go on and on about their children. I certainly make an effort not to do that myself. That said, the reality is, I have a kid! So he's going to be there if you come to my house. He might go down for a nap, but I'm not going to lock him in his room if he's wide awake. And I probably will be straightening up and picking up after him the entire time you're visiting.
Like others have said, if you want to have dedicated adult time, you need to figure it out in advance - that's the bottom line. Some parents will be into it if they can be. Others are guilt-ridden about leaving their kids for more than an hour. Some parents will not want to do it all.
And for what it's worth, I think your friend was a little out of line hauling her entire brood to your house for almost a week.
But what I really wanted to say was "run away". You have posted your question in the wrongest of places.
I happen to be one of the few parents left (in this country) who strongly believe that parental attitudes and practices such as the ones you described are pure poison: to children, to adults, to the community at large.
Just don't expect to find many here who who will sympathize with you.
To your "loved ones", tell them that you expect them to find some adult time in those 24/7, as brief as it may be, that you could spend together, sans children, conversing (not about cheerios!), watching a movie (not Disney), whatever. If they are family and they tell you this is not possible, switch to strictly formal ties as hard as it might be, and don't expect any more kicks out of these relationships.
If they are friends - breaking news: not anymore.
If friends told me they cannot find even one ounce of adult time because jr. needs them 100% of the time, always, I would simply be done with them. Completely.
I just can't see any other way with relatives or friends who wouldn't value you enough to give you a moment of undivided attention, under the pretext that their "chewldren" need them 100% of the time, and that they are their "priority". Such people seem imply that no parents EVER BEFORE have been capable of loving and caring for their offspring as much as they do now and that you, like the childless ignorant that you are, would NEVER be able to understand.
This is BS. Make no mistake about it: such attitude has nothing to do with love and everything to do with narcissism and media brainwashing, the perfectly normal mental illnesses of our times.
Generations of parents before have loved their children dearly and brought them up right, while still managing to graciously have friends over, entertain guests at the grown-up level, and offer them the attention they deserved. Yes, without nannies - just with the expectation that sometimes children need to make themselves invisible and just play quietly in their rooms without disturbing grown-ups.
Any sane parent knows that a child will NOT only be just fine, but will greatly benefit, if expected to know how to occupy himself, while parents are busy doing something "grown-up".
If it's an infant we're talking about, even more so: an infant will be just fine not being ooohed and ahhhed over for an hour or so. Cross my heart.
What you are witnessing now is a world where the line between the grown-up world and the children's world has been pretty much erased; and because children have become nothing else but an extension of parents' egos, once someone becomes a parent, their already serious case of narcissism goes out of control.
This is an extremely recent change, historically speaking, and I am sorry you have to deal with it.
I have 4 kids and I understand what you are saying.
Some people can't do anything without their kids and think everyone in the world loves and adores them because they are the most special things in the world right?
Not much you can do except find different friends to do most of your socializing with. Keep up the relationships with you have now but at a smaller scale than before. You don't want to be irritated by them and they probably don't want you irritated with them or irritated at you for being irritated at them.
My husband and I take turns, sometimes he will stay home with kids and I have a girls night out, sometimes the other way around.
What's so difficult?
This is what we did also. Worked well. We also exchanged with neighbors who had kids who were similar in age if we wanted a date-night or had other obligations. It was especially handy during holiday party season when babysitters were at a premium - we'd just trade off. It is possible to enjoy adult-only time but on the other hand, young children DO require lots of time and attention. They aren't little trophies to only be pulled out when it's convenient. If a diaper needs changed it needs changed. Even in the middle of an adult-only evening.
Wow, I thought I could avoid the old cliche of "the child-less and the child-ridden don't mix." But I guess this is exactly what has happened. Their priority is their children, my priority is the friendship/relationship. Btw I am NOT a kid hater, like so many child-less people are, and I love spending small chunks of time with the kids. But only in small doses and not every day or every weekend. And when we do spend time together, why does it have to be a kid-centered activity? Btw this is not just friends but also my brothers and other family members.
I just don't understand why I should be expected to sacrifice my time and energy to please someone else's children.
You gotta realize that I live day in, and day out, not having to deal with this stuff. I don't ever think about "potties" or saying "NO" 100,000 TIMES or going to Toys R Us so they'll stop asking for it, or telling them over and over and OVER to "get dressed", "don't do that", "clean your mouth", "lower your voice", etc. All of that, to someone who is not used to it, is HIGHLY ANNOYING after 12 hours. And it's positively murderous after 5 days straight.
But that is what I have to endure if I spend time with my brothers and friends. It's like they have put their lives on hold, simply to focus on the kids 100% of the time. It's all they talk about, do, read etc. And everyone else has to put up or shut up.
My argument is that the kids should not be the focus 100% of the time. Can't I just get 30% to spend with them, ALONE?
The next time my friend w/ the 3 kids wants to come visit, I will tell her that I cannot spend the whole week with them, 12 hours a day, wiping bottoms and reading Dr. Seuss. I just can't do it, not for 7 days.
I can understand that it would be annoying to deal with kids for days on end if you aren't used to it. But, I assume you knew they were coming, right? If your friend is in your town, I doubt she has a sitter to call so you can have adult time. What would you expect her to do? Did you ask if she wanted to get a sitter so you could go out? If not, what are you complaining about?
I really can feel for you. I have no children. And I don't even mind if a friend of mine brings her child over while we have lunch and stuff and watch tv. Usually the kid can play and we can catch up.
However I did date someone who had a niece who he was OBSESSED with. We couldn't go an evening without talking about how fantastic Bella is and how she is just the smartest 2 year old you could know. It got to the point where I simply said "Please don't tell me because I really could care less". I didn't want to hear about what a fantastic unwed teen mom his sister is or that Bella learned to push the spacebar on his lap top. We eventually had to break up because I couldn't "accept her into my life". I didn't want to take her to the zoo, I didn't want to go see the Wiggles Live, and the icing on the cake was it wasn't even his kid, it was his sisters!
There was actually an article in Cosmo a few months ago on this I will see if I can dig it up for everyone.
I'm voting GREAT parents, bad bad BAD friend. tsk tsk!
Regrettably, I've got to agree. Parents must bring their children along with them. Not bringing their children would be like asking your friend to leave his hands at home.
Welcome to adulthood. Your friends are going to have kids for at least the next 18 years. Perhaps you should think about getting new friends or adopting some orphans.
Regrettably, I've got to agree. Parents must bring their children along with them. Not bringing their children would be like asking your friend to leave his hands at home.
Welcome to adulthood. Your friends are going to have kids for at least the next 18 years. Perhaps you should think about getting new friends or adopting some orphans.
Or just grow up.
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