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As far as questioning authority, I see nothing wrong with that but I do believe children and adults need to behave respectfully toward those in authority (teachers, bosses, coaches, etc). A child rasied to believe that she/he can do or say anything they want without consequences is in for a rude awakening at some point.
Questioning authority and disrespect are two different things. Teaching a child to question authority means to teach a child to analyze authority and stand up to authority to defend injustice. Even soldiers are required by law to stand up to a superior and disobey illegal orders. That's what teaching a child to question authority means.
Often times, it simply results in coming home and discussing situations with parents. On rare occassions, it results in outright defending self justifiably. For example, when a coach refuses to allow water breaks, a child who is taught to question authority will take a water break. Children who aren't taught to question authority, won't take water breaks and can have heat stroke.
I chose that example because it happened on our school's sports team during practice. A child was taken away in an ambulance because he didn't have the courage to take water breaks. My child took water breaks regardless of the coach refusing water breaks and my son refused to run extra laps for doing so. My son didn't end up almost dying in the hospital. THAT'S an excellent example of a child appropriately standing up to authority.
Have you ever read about "Consenual Living"? That seems to fall in line with the way that you were raised. It sound like it worked great for you and your family.
I just looked it up, and it looks interesting! Much of that philosophy does seem to fit with how I was raised. Some components of it seem a little bit more extreme (my life did have a lot of structure in it when I was older, although it was all self-imposed with school extra-curricular activities and stuff). But in general, this philosophy seems to fit.
And the fact your mother "never" said didn't literally say "no" is irrelvant. She merely manipulated you via suggestions instead of outright saying no.
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Originally Posted by ItalianIce
I agree with everything you've said. I think that maybe different people have different ideas of what "disrespectful" means when it comes to speaking to one's parents. For example, I was allowed to always challenge them, but no, I never hit them or screamed hideous insults. I was slightly high-strung as a ten to twelve-year-old, but when I did yell a little, they just kind of ignored it, let me calm down, and went on. They knew I was just a little moody. I certainly didn't do that in public.
I guess their main philosophy was that if they always explained things to me and detailed real consequences, I would understand what would REALLY happen if I did something that could cause harm (for example, they explained to me about some crime that occurred in my neighborhood, and why it would be unsafe to wander around alone at night, but they didn't threaten to take away my phone or ground me). Even if I'd done it, they would have just gone on and on about how dangerous it was outside, and that I could really get hurt or killed wandering around and night. But nothing would have been restricted. They were really good at making strong points about safety, though, so I always understood dangers.
About consequences, I was always just taught that everything I did would cause a reaction, and what that reaction would be. Not punishment, but if I was nasty to a teacher, she'd be hurt and angry. She'd react in an unfavorable way. I was taught to avoid the unfavorable natural consequences without fearing imposed ones.
To me it sounds like your parents took responsibility for their behavior and "taught" you how to take responsibility for yours. Believe it or not, some parents blame their children, spouse, etc. for their bad behavior. Some go on to blame others for their child's misbehavior, for example, bad schools, TV, music, local culture.
Questioning authority and disrespect are two different things. Teaching a child to question authority means to teach a child to analyze authority and stand up to authority to defend injustice. Even soldiers are required by law to stand up to a superior and disobey illegal orders. That's what teaching a child to question authority means.
Often times, it simply results in coming home and discussing situations with parents. On rare occassions, it results in outright defending self justifiably. For example, when a coach refuses to allow water breaks, a child who is taught to question authority will take a water break. Children who aren't taught to question authority, won't take water breaks and can have heat stroke.
I chose that example because it happened on our school's sports team during practice. A child was taken away in an ambulance because he didn't have the courage to take water breaks. My child took water breaks regardless of the coach refusing water breaks and my son refused to run extra laps for doing so. My son didn't end up almost dying in the hospital. THAT'S an excellent example of a child appropriately standing up to authority.
Yikes!!! Good for your son for standing up for his health!
Questioning authority and disrespect are two different things. Teaching a child to question authority means to teach a child to analyze authority and stand up to authority to defend injustice. Even soldiers are required by law to stand up to a superior and disobey illegal orders. That's what teaching a child to question authority means.
Often times, it simply results in coming home and discussing situations with parents. On rare occassions, it results in outright defending self justifiably. For example, when a coach refuses to allow water breaks, a child who is taught to question authority will take a water break. Children who aren't taught to question authority, won't take water breaks and can have heat stroke.
I chose that example because it happened on our school's sports team during practice. A child was taken away in an ambulance because he didn't have the courage to take water breaks. My child took water breaks regardless of the coach refusing water breaks and my son refused to run extra laps for doing so. My son didn't end up almost dying in the hospital. THAT'S an excellent example of a child appropriately standing up to authority.
Totally agree. A child should not do anything they don't want to do out of politeness. Not being able to say "no" can lead to manipulation.
I'm assuming OP was an only child. I don't think that kind of parenting would work for several kids of different temperment.
The way you were brought up was 180degrees from how I was raised. My parents were born in 1917 and 1921 and my father was career Army officer. Nothing was explained except "Because I said so". Mom had to ask for money and had to account for how it was spent. We were raised like little enlisted folks.
So when I started my family I decided if I had a question about how to handle a situation I would just do the opposite of how my folks did it.
Still we did have discipline as my first was a strong willed boy. His sister was very compliant and a dream to raise. We adopted 2 infant girls when first kids were 19 and 21 and in college. We decided to do a few things different this go round. They are not as busy with lots of lessons, sports, etc. In other words we are not as hurried or stressed. We spend alot more time at home as a family. (Being older parents has something to do with that too )
We try to say yes but if I feel uneasy about someting I say "convince me". I'm open to suggestions and I am more than willing to admit I made a mistake and I apologize. This never happened in my house. They are only 8 so we haven't had alot of friction issues yet. Most tears are from miscommunications and frustration.
I'm not a hard ass but I do believe in standards and discipline but not alot of punishment.
I do not believe in being my kids' best friend.
I think alot of problems with kids today (with younger parents) is the unwillilngness of parents to set boundaries, discipline and follow through and be consistent.
I think with only children, this kind of parenting style isn't so uncommon, it seems to me that only children often grow up so surrounded by adults that they relate well with adults. These children have much one-on-one time with adults.
When there are many children, it's not as common to parent this way. The children often will be more rowdy, back each other up. Often parents start out with the oldest in this style, and depending on how big the age gap is between the oldest and the next, the oldest can have similar traits with only children, but as the others come along, the family dynamics change.
Yes, I am an only child. However, so far, I have not had problems raising my two children in this style. They are still young, and they are quite different from each other, but neither is particularly rowdy. My son is very vocal and loves to talk and play, but he's extremely good-natured. My daughter is a little quieter and likes to observe before making a comment. I think, though, that I'm lucky that my kids have personalities that work well together. That makes the general environment a lot calmer. My son is more like me, and my daughter is a lot like my husband.
Well I think consistency is the main thing. I've seen kids from very lenient parents who had very few rules turn out fine and I've seen kids with strict parents who had a lot of structure, many chores turn out fine.
I think if the parents set clear boundaries, the kids are okay with them. But - children have problems when something is tolerated one time and then they are punished for the same thing another time. Inconsistent parenting or parents playing the kids off the other parent make kids confused and defiant.
A parent should decide on how strict or lax they want to be - and on what issues and stay with it. You don't let them stay up until 1 am one night and demand they go to bed at 8 pm the next.
I will be honest, I could not parent that way. But I do not condem or criticise you for parenting that way. If that is what works for you.
However what I would have a strong opinion on was if you were roudy in a restraunt or you had a tantrum in a shop or as teen were vandalising or stealing.
By this I mean, if you are a "nice" kid or a "good" kid then obviously the parenting style is fine. Not may way buy obviously a way that produces good results.
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Good for your son for standing up for his health!
