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Old 02-02-2011, 12:57 AM
 
Location: In my skin
8,869 posts, read 13,844,225 times
Reputation: 8718

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I posted in the relationships forum a while back about a couple I know who began having trouble when his eldest son moved in. He is 20 years old and a lazy, inconsiderate slob. The girlfriend has since moved out and their relationship is slowly falling apart. She refuses to move back as long as his son is there. She doesn't even want to visit him at his home anymore because it is a downer to even be around the kid.

Since she moved out, dad hired me to go over there 3 times a week to cook for him and his son. He did ask me to do some cleaning, but I told him that I wouldn't. He has a grown man living there who should be doing it.

I saw some of the issues when I visited from time to time, but I am now seeing first hand what she has had to deal with. This guy is, by far, the laziest and filthiest human being I have ever met. I could write a list, but this is already long enough and some of it may make you gag. His presence alone offends me.

He works a part time job, has yet to start college like he was supposed to last fall, plays X-Box the rest of the day, doesn't contribute financially and doesn't help out around the house.

He has been told, every day since he moved in, to put things away, pick up after himself, do the chores he was told to do, turn the lights/TV off when he isn't using it or leaves the apartment. He simply won't do as he is asked. When dad gets on him about it, he huffs and puffs and makes dad out to be a nag, asks him why he is "flipping out". And it's working. Dad starts to actually feel bad and will even let things slide so he doesn't seem unreasonable.

When I am there, I cook and clean up the kitchen afterward. I have had to clean the kitchen before hand because the boy will make a mess, even though his father has told him to make sure it is clean before I get there. I told his father about it, nothing has changed. I started telling him to get in there and clean when he wasn't at work, but he will half-*ss his way through it and pots and utensils are still dirty. I just don't have the desire to sit through 2 and 3 washes or wash again what he didn't get right the first time. I told dad this is a complete lack of respect for me and my time to have to go through this almost every time I go there. He apologized and offered to give me more money. Didn't I say that I refused to clean?

It's to the point that I am about to tell him I won't work for him anymore. I truly want to help him, but not under these conditions. I don't need the money. And I truly can't stand the kid at this point. I thought my girlfriend was being a little harsh, but wow. I don't know how she lasted as long as she did.

I know dad has tried, he works a lot and clearly can't keep up with the kid all the time. I think he has grown tired of griping at him but there really is no consequence. And until there is one, the boy has no reason to change. We should raise our kids to be self sufficient, but also to not be a burden on anyone else.

What would you do?
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:53 AM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,633,393 times
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Quit! How they live really isn't your business. Clearly the father doesn't seem to care.

And he is not a "boy" he is a young adult. He got this way by how he was raised, this behavior to years to develop, you're not going to change him. Besides it's not your place to do so.

You're not related to these people and you don't live with them. If it is too much for YOU to deal with, you quit.

Pretty simple.
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:28 AM
 
Location: In my skin
8,869 posts, read 13,844,225 times
Reputation: 8718
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Quit! How they live really isn't your business. Clearly the father doesn't seem to care.
I guess I should have clarified. What would you do if it was your child? I'm not looking for advice about the job.

Regardless, this isn't about me butting into their business. However, when how he lives affects me, it becomes my business to that end. Other than that, being a friend to both these people in the relationship and being concerned for them, it's not a life altering issue for me.

Quote:
And he is not a "boy" he is a young adult.
Duh. I did say he was a grown man, didn't I? I refer to him as a boy/kid because that is how he is acting.

Quote:
He got this way by how he was raised, this behavior to years to develop, you're not going to change him. Besides it's not your place to do so.
How did you gather that any of this was about me changing him?
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:31 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
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The father needs to hire someone to cook for him three days a week? That tells me that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You and your girlfriend need to get a life and let the two men live their lives.
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:37 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
How did you gather that any of this was about me changing him?
You are trying to change them. If you don't want to clean a kitchen before starting to cook, don't work for the them. It's that simple.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:21 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
20,014 posts, read 20,509,618 times
Reputation: 20369
My grown son moved in with me. I expect, well demand he pull his weight. If he is short on cash to help finanically he makes up for it in chores. If I were this man, as hard as it may be, I would kick my son out. He isnt doing him any favors by letting him lay around doing nothing. If he has no other place to go or cant afford an apartment, Uncle Sam is always looking for a few good men.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:51 AM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,723,723 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
I know dad has tried, he works a lot and clearly can't keep up with the kid all the time. I think he has grown tired of griping at him but there really is no consequence. And until there is one, the boy has no reason to change. We should raise our kids to be self sufficient, but also to not be a burden on anyone else.
We should, but obviously this particular dad didn't. And that's really the end of that. If the dad doesn't care enough about it to do something - ie ask the son to leave if he doesn't pull his weight - then that's all there is to it.

Maybe the dad is lonely, or doesn't want to be bothered with confrontations with his son. Whatever the reason, if the dad really wanted things to change, he'd do something about it. Your line that "there really is no consequence" speaks volumes.


Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
What would you do?
I'd quit. And then I'd realize my frustration with the situation is futile and I'd stop trying to change people who are satisfied with their lot in life, regardless of what I think about it.

Then I'd hand the chocolate over. Maybe.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,976 posts, read 11,790,469 times
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I'd ask for a raise.
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:58 AM
 
Location: New York City
2,814 posts, read 5,856,135 times
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Just curious, where did the son live before moving back in with Dad? A prison, psychiatric center, rehab, with his mom, with a girlfriend? That might give you a clue as to what's up with him. He sounds like he is seriously depressed.
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Old 02-02-2011, 11:13 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,325,866 times
Reputation: 32238
They hired you to cook. Not to judge why and how they live. If you don't like the circumstances in which you cook then quit.

Simple.

(I'd quit. I don't like to cook in messy circumstances but I'd know that how they live is absolutely NONE of my business.)
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