My son failed math, so I grounded him for the entire summer. Need parenting help! (punishment, support)

[WWH]

My 15-year-old son just finished his freshman year in high school on Friday. I had known since March that he was struggling in math, so I took away his TV, computer, and video game priveleges until the end of the school year, so he would have more time to study. All year he kept whining about how math was "too hard" and making all sorts of excuses for doing poorly, like that High School was too hard for him and that he was having trouble because it was his first year of high school! I warned him to study, and I told him he'd be grounded all summer if he didn't get good grades on his final report card. He has often gotten bad grades in math, and it is a subject that he was always slacked off in and I am sick of it.

The last straw was on Friday, which was the last day of school in our district. He showed me his final report card, and I was appalled to see that he got an F in math! I told him that he was Grounded For The Entire Summer.

The terms of his grounding are:
No TV
No Computer
No Video Games
No Phone (I also took away his cell phone)
No Friends
No Desserts
No Bedroom Door (I removed it- privacy is a privilege in our household)
Plenty of Extra Chores
No Books except those I or my wife approve. I will be buying him a math text book and he will be spending 8 hours a day studying, all summer long.
He's not allowed outside of the house, except to accompany me or my wife on errands, as he's also not allowed home alone.
Whenever the rest of the family has dessert, he has to watch us eat it. Also, each evening, I make his sisters (ages 17 and 14) and his brother (age 12) tell him about all the summer fun they had that day, so he'll know what he's missing out on.
We are also going on vacation to Hawaii in July and he will not be allowed to come.

What do you think? Is this an appropriate punishment, or am I going overboard? My wife thinks I'm overreacting. She says that I'm being too hard on him and the punishment is borderline cruel. I understand it is a bit harsh, but I feel that it's time to finally put a stop to my son's slacking in math, and teach him a valuable lesson about the importance of good study habits. What do you think? Is this a good punishment, or am I going overboard? Please Help.

Thank you in advance.

[Justin Time]

Originally Posted by WWH

My 15-year-old son just finished his freshman year in high school on Friday. I had known since March that he was struggling in math, so I took away his TV, computer, and video game priveleges until the end of the school year, so he would have more time to study. All year he kept whining about how math was "too hard" and making all sorts of excuses for doing poorly, like that High School was too hard for him and that he was having trouble because it was his first year of high school! I warned him to study, and I told him he'd be grounded all summer if he didn't get good grades on his final report card. He has often gotten bad grades in math, and it is a subject that he was always slacked off in and I am sick of it.

The last straw was on Friday, which was the last day of school in our district. He showed me his final report card, and I was appalled to see that he got an F in math! I told him that he was Grounded For The Entire Summer.

The terms of his grounding are:
No TV
No Computer
No Video Games
No Phone (I also took away his cell phone)
No Friends
No Desserts
No Bedroom Door (I removed it- privacy is a privilege in our household)
Plenty of Extra Chores
No Books except those I or my wife approve. I will be buying him a math text book and he will be spending 8 hours a day studying, all summer long.
He's not allowed outside of the house, except to accompany me or my wife on errands, as he's also not allowed home alone.
Whenever the rest of the family has dessert, he has to watch us eat it. Also, each evening, I make his sisters (ages 17 and 14) and his brother (age 12) tell him about all the summer fun they had that day, so he'll know what he's missing out on.
We are also going on vacation to Hawaii in July and he will not be allowed to come.

What do you think? Is this an appropriate punishment, or am I going overboard? My wife thinks I'm overreacting. She says that I'm being too hard on him and the punishment is borderline cruel. I understand it is a bit harsh, but I feel that it's time to finally put a stop to my son's slacking in math, and teach him a valuable lesson about the importance of good study habits. What do you think? Is this a good punishment, or am I going overboard? Please Help.

Thank you in advance.

You are going overboard. The goal is to make him learn math and pass classes, right?

Making him watch you eat dessert is cruel and makes no sense.
Withholding dessert also makes no sense. Never use food as a reward or punishment.

You should make him take a summer school class in math. He may really have a difficult time with it.
If it is too late for HS summer school enrollment, then take him to a Junior College and enroll him in one math class as credit/no credit. (Pass or Fail)

If he sticks to his studies and does well, I would allow him to have a friend or two over on Saturdays. He should earn that privledge, weekly. You don't want to socially isolate him. That is not good for his social development.

Also, never take books away as a punishment. Any reading is reading. Any voluntary reading that a 15-year-old boy does is short of a miracle.

Also, he needs physical exercise and exposure to sunshine, daily (for vitamin D).

[maciesmom]

I think if you "knew he was struggling" why didn't you help him? Grounding doesn't actually "help" him learn math. Maybe a tutor?

[flyonpa]

Way to hard on him, How about getting him into a summer tutor program, so he can work on math one on one, if he doing ok in all his other classes, he's missing some concept in math. With the 2-3x a week tutoring & the home work from it should be enought. So he can start 10 grade off on track, not get further behind.

[Ketabcha]

I think you should have gotten him a tutor when it became evident that he was not doing well in math.

Did you talk to his math teacher during the year? Maybe (s)he could have come up with some suggestions. If he has a barrier in his understanding of math then making him read a math text is not going to help. The problem must be discovered and then taken care of. A good tutor can do that.

Yes, your punishment of him is unbelievable. A parent should never ever use other children to punish one of their siblings.

A vacation to Hawaii? You're not letting him go? All the family is going but he is not? Yikes! Give the kid a break. Help him in ways that you can but don't cut him off from the entire family. That may come back to haunt you in later years.

[h886]

Yes, I think it's too harsh. If you want to guarantee your son wants nothing to do with you as an adult and loses all respect for you now, this is absolutely how I'd go about it. This is not rational parenting. It is reactive and disproportionate to the crime.

I also feel you picked a pretty ineffective way to address this. You knew this was a problem back in March, right? Why didn't you step in then to solve it? Is your son failing because he's a slacker or because he honestly struggles in math? Maybe some of both? If he was failing, why did you not sit down with him, night after night, and go over his assignments with him? Why did you not ensure every night that he had completed his homework and understood it? Taking the distractions away might have been fine IF you had stepped in there to also give the needed support. The way you did it was just punitive and lazy.

I would make him do "math camp" this summer and do a few hours in the morning, every morning. If he successfully completes the 2-3 pages for the day, he has privileges restored for the afternoon. Your dictatorial regime plan is going to backfire as kids that age do not do well when there is no way out in sight. You would do far better to coax him into doing this with a carrot rather than going so far overboard.

[steelstress]

So he has a long history with math struggles, and you think punishing him will make him suddenly proficient? You're as big a failure in parenting as he is with math.

Dig into your pocket and get him to some kind of program (Sylvan?) where he'll get individual attention.

Way to not go, dad.

[WWH]

Thank you, justin Time. Unfortunately, I can't make him take a summer school math class, as they cut summer school in our district to save money. Believe me, he would be in summer school if it were an option! However, my wife and I are considering hiring a tutor for him. I am concerned about the cost but it will be worth every penny if it gets him to pass math, so I suppose that's what we will do.

I often withhold desserts as a punishment, since my son has a sweet tooth and likes dessert very much. I make him sit and watch the rest of the family eat dessert whenever we have dessert to add to his punishment and remind him of what he is missing out on. I don't think it's cruel at all, just an appropriate punishment for a very serious lack of effort in school. I take school and grades very seriously, and there are consequences for doing poorly in school in our household.

[maciesmom]

Originally Posted by WWH

I often withhold desserts as a punishment, since my son has a sweet tooth and likes dessert very much. I make him sit and watch the rest of the family eat dessert whenever we have dessert to add to his punishment and remind him of what he is missing out on. I don't think it's cruel at all, just an appropriate punishment for a very serious lack of effort in school. I take school and grades very seriously, and there are consequences for doing poorly in school in our household.

I'm sorry, that's just bizarre. If someone doesn't understand math, withholding dessert won't all of a sudden make them understand.

[NYMD67]

I believe that is extremely harsh as well. Our daughter is much younger than 15, she is in 4th grade, but she struggles with math. Sometimes it isn't a matter of the child being lazy or slacking, it is because they are truly having a difficult time understanding the concepts.
I asked for extra help for her in school & possibly this is something that you could have looked into?
or, now that it is Summer break, maybe you can look into a tutor or a learning program such as Kumon or Sylvan? sometimes even the public libraries offer programs to help students during the Summer?

We take education extremely seriously in our house as well, but that is an extremely harsh punishment for what is very possibly, just a learning curve.