My son failed math, so I grounded him for the entire summer. Need parenting help!

[Justin Time]

Originally Posted by WWH

. . . it seems like many posters think my son is weak and delicate and can't handle learning a hard, valuable lesson about proper study habits and the importance of school. I have decided to hire a tutor, by the way.

Hiring a tutor is a good, but don't be afraid to try a different tutor is this one doesn't work. (Once, while teaching a struggling Algebra student, she said, "Wow, it was like you flipped a switch in my brain! I FINALLY get it! Why didn't anyone ever teach me like that before?"

There really are many ways to teach the same thing. Some teachers will just ignore students who are not keeping up. Many math teachers work problems out very quickly. Students who can't focus on the board (vision, tracking, or spatial perceptions, etc.) get lost. IF your son had a GOOD math teacher, he/she would have suggested (if not assigned) extra help early in the semester. Yes, teachers share in the blame. They should never just let a child fail without offering help and alerting the parents.

Your son is NOT weak and strength will NOT teach him math or study skills. But, he will learn better will small, frequent incentives, rather than looming consequences. Set ATTAINABLE goals for him to reach with appropriate rewards/reinstatement of privileges. Let him know that he is loved and will be a part of your family vacation because you want this to be a wonderful memory.

Don't expect him to go from no comprehension to 80% in one week, unless you are only focusing on ONE concept.

. . . I wonder how many of these judgmental posters who keep attacking my parenting are actually childless but think they know all there is to know about parenting because they read it in a book or majored in child psychology?

I know that you feel like everyone is ATTACKING you, but really, most of them are giving you advice because they want to help you and your son. You asked for opinions and you are getting them.

Just because ONE person, who had probably just taken her first psych class, didn't know what she was doing --please, don't become prejudiced against the science or those who use it. Psychology & Sociology teach us to consider the ramifications of our actions. Also, the poster who would be happy having the last laugh about not having to raise his/her child, should never have children. Good parents are not eager to be rid of their responsibility for their children.

I have several degrees and two awesome sons (15 & 19). I also have a lot of experience parenting, teaching, counseling, coaching, and being a friend. As I have said before, someday we will stop parenting our children and trust them to be adults and even to parent their own children. It is then that we will reap the benefits of our relationship because we have established lifelong bonds--not just as family, but as friends.

I am a strict parent, but I enjoy spending time with my children. Spend some quality time with your son: play catch or checkers, go to a movie, museum, or sporting event together. Have some fun. Parenting has perks: enjoy them and enjoy your son! Playing the role of a warden and prisoner is no fun for either of you. Ultimately, it will be HIS OWN sense of pride and accomplishment that will motivate him in school and in life.

If tragedy should strike and you loose your son before the year is over, what will you remember about your time spent with him? What memories will you cherish? What will you regret? I am not trying to be mean, but I have lost many members of my family at very young ages. It makes you focus on what is truly important.

It is important to me to have happy children. I have spent countless hours helping my children with homework, research, and studying for tests. They don't get straight As in HS or in college, but they have decent GPAs and they are happy. We have shared some great times together and I look forward to many more.

In the end, no one cares about my 4.0 GPA. They only care that I have the degrees. It will be the same for their generation.

Value your relationship with your son: value him as a person--even if he is never a math wiz.

I truly wish you a life of happiness with your son.

[mclucas25]

Originally Posted by wwh

my 15-year-old son just finished his freshman year in high school on friday. I had known since march that he was struggling in math, so i took away his tv, computer, and video game priveleges until the end of the school year, so he would have more time to study. All year he kept whining about how math was "too hard" and making all sorts of excuses for doing poorly, like that high school was too hard for him and that he was having trouble because it was his first year of high school! I warned him to study, and i told him he'd be grounded all summer if he didn't get good grades on his final report card. He has often gotten bad grades in math, and it is a subject that he was always slacked off in and i am sick of it.

The last straw was on friday, which was the last day of school in our district. He showed me his final report card, and i was appalled to see that he got an f in math! I told him that he was grounded for the entire summer.

The terms of his grounding are:
No tv
no computer
no video games
no phone (i also took away his cell phone)
no friends
no desserts
no bedroom door (i removed it- privacy is a privilege in our household)
plenty of extra chores
no books except those i or my wife approve. I will be buying him a math text book and he will be spending 8 hours a day studying, all summer long.
He's not allowed outside of the house, except to accompany me or my wife on errands, as he's also not allowed home alone.
Whenever the rest of the family has dessert, he has to watch us eat it. Also, each evening, i make his sisters (ages 17 and 14) and his brother (age 12) tell him about all the summer fun they had that day, so he'll know what he's missing out on.
We are also going on vacation to hawaii in july and he will not be allowed to come.

What do you think? Is this an appropriate punishment, or am i going overboard? My wife thinks i'm overreacting. She says that i'm being too hard on him and the punishment is borderline cruel. I understand it is a bit harsh, but i feel that it's time to finally put a stop to my son's slacking in math, and teach him a valuable lesson about the importance of good study habits. What do you think? Is this a good punishment, or am i going overboard? Please help.

Thank you in advance.

i think maybe you should put him in some kind of summmer school where you live, to help with math and the failing grade. Video games and hanging out with friends stuff like that on the weekends only. There's a chance he might rebel on you and your wife years to come in high school, for what your doing to him now. Theres a lot of pressure in high school, its his first year. You also have to think, he did could in his other classes. I know its hard, i have a 6 year old in kinder, and my husband and i are tough on him. He passes all his grammer test, sight test. If he doesnt behave, no video games, no playing outside. Nothing, and thats only kinder. Kinder is different now, a lot more homework, more to do. And we pay for private school, so we want more from him. He understands the meaning of doing the best he can, and slacking off. There's a point were they need a break sometimes to be a kid. It only happens once to be free and have fun.

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by imcurious

Does the poor kid have a mother?

She's tied to the leg of the kitchen table--she burnt the toast at breakfast.

[NJGOAT]

Well, beyond the fact of this most likely being a troll post, I think it harbors some good lessons on what not to do.

This situation all comes down to the reason why he failed. The fact he failed DOES NOT MATTER. What matters is the reason why and the method used to correct it is based on that.

The first thing I would say is that the OP failed as a parent. NOT because of the punishment, but because he knew this was coming and did nothing more than make threats and punishments. When it was obvious at the midway point that his son was failing the correct action would have been to contact the teacher/counselor and find out why. That way he could have taken constructive steps in concert with the school to have a better outcome now.

If the grade was the result of laziness, such as not turning in homework than a discipline approach with consequences tied to completing the assignments would be the best way to go.

If the grade was lack of comprehension or understanding, than what he needed was help. This could have taken the form of a private or school tutor, extra time working over the material with mom and dad, or even being moved to a lower level math class.

So, the parents failed to nip it in the bud and the child did fail the class, what to do now. Again, the answer it find out why and work to correct the issue in a constructive manner, whether it is discipline tied to performance or needing extra help. Additionally, I don't know a district that doesn't offer summer school, that would be one of the first things I would have him.

So, OP, WHY did your son fail? Do you even know the answer? Most crimes have their consequences amended based on circumstance. If you steal food because you are starving, the punishment is different than if you just stole. I agree that some punishment may be warranted, but nothing in your punishment is actually tied to the crime that was committed or takes any steps to prevent it from happening again.

You've already taken everything away. What happens if he fails next year, or does something else? How much more can you punish him?

[WWH]

Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801

She's tied to the leg of the kitchen table--she burnt the toast at breakfast.

I resent your accusations that I abuse my wife. My son does have a mother, and she is my wife, and I certainly do not abuse her. She is my equal.

I actually mentioned her in my original post. I said she thinks I'm being too harsh, but I disagree. The whole reason I posted this thread was too find out who was right, and so I could gather proof for my wife that I am in the right and she is being too permissive. Whenever we have disagreements over how to discipline the kids, she always thinks I'm being too "harsh" and I think she is being too lenient. The kids would walk all over her if I weren't there to lay down the law.

Back when the kids were in elementary school, when we first had to come up with punishments for bad grades, my wife just thought that the children were too delicate to face the consequences of their laziness and lackluster study habits and thought we should just "help" them with their schoolwork to help them understand it, like so many posters in this thread have said. I let her try this for a school year, and their grades got worse and worse. I pointed out to her that this didn't work, and I introduced our family's Ground-for-Grades system (G4G for short). This is how G4G works:

At midterm quarterly report cards, if one of my children gets anything below a B, they loose their TV, computer, and video game privileges until they bring their grades up. They are also grounded from seeing friends or going outside during the week, but they can still do so on weekends as long as homework and chores are completed first. This is what I did in March when I found out my son was failing in math.

At the end of the school year, A's are expected, as I believe that good grades should be expected, not exceptional. For bad grades on the final report card of the school year, y kids are grounded for 1 week for each B, 1 month for each C, and for the entire summer if they fail any classes (this includes if they get a D, because "D" is not a passing grade in my book). To those of you who say I need carrots, not sticks, G4G has them. Sorry Pythonis, this is one area I disagree with you on. Saying "good job" when they get an A is not enough. I pay my children a reward of $20 for each A, plus a $50 bonus if they get straight As. A-'s don't count, it has to be a solid A or A+.

G4G has worked great, and we've been using it for 5 years now. My kid's grades improved the first year we use it, and now they know exactly what is expected of them, they have a nice reward to look forward to if they do well, and they know what the consequences will be if they slack off and get poor grades. I have the rules of the Ground-for-Grades system written on a piece of paper that is on our refrigerator, to remind my kids of the rules. My son was warned repeatedly throughout the last few months that he'd be grounded for the whole summer if he didn't study harder, so in truth he chose to be grounded all summer. I he didn't want to be punished he should have studied harder.

My wife did not approve of G4G when I first came up with it, but she let me try it and when all for kids started getting better grades she had to admit is works. She never doubted G4G again until she thought I was being too hard on our son. It is true that he has a stricter grounding than we usually give. Usually, in our household, "Grounded" means no TV, computer, video games, phone, or any other electronics; no going outside, no friends, no desserts, and they have to do all their sibling's chores (unless more than one of them is grounded at once, in which case I find extra work for them to do. Right now, my son has to do his own chores, plus all his sibling's chores). Once my kids got to the age where they really value privacy, I started removing their bedroom doors whenever they were grounded. This time, when I grounded my son, I added that he has to watch the rest of the family eat dessert and I make his siblings tell him about all the summer fun they're having to help bring home the point by reminding him of what he's missing out on and could be enjoying if he'd studied harder. My wife disagrees with that, and now she's questioning G4G and the strict groundings we give our children when they misbehave. I asked this question to prove to her that I'm right, but sadly most parents are also permissive pushovers who would rather be their children's friends. No wonder our society is going to the dogs.

[JustJulia]

As this thread isn't a discussion after all, I'm closing it.