No Father in the picture... by choice (divorced, babies, support)

[mommabear2]

I found out a relative of mine is pregnant with her first child. She is single, living with her mother, still in school (she's 30), and works at a not-so-great job. I am - to say the least - disappointed in her. It's not the fact that she's living w/ mom or still in school... it's the fact that she did this on purpose w/ the full intention of not having a father around for her child. She has always stated, "If I don't get married at a certain age, I'm going to have a baby on my own...". Well, she did it and now she doesn't want the father involved (her choice). Am I being old fashioned? She has no one to help her (her mom works full-time AND has health issues).

Mothers have children all the time on their own but for a variety of reasons such as the father is abusive, he doesn't want anything to do with the child, etc. They do it for the good of the child or not by choice.

What do people think about this scenarios? Would you have a child without a father or a significant other if you reached a certain age? Why/why not? Enlighten me. I'm all ears...


****Just to make myself clear - I'm not talking about widowed mothers, divorced women, or women who are single mothers through no fault of their own (the father is a creep, or whatever) or accidental pregnancies. My question is very specific - I'm curious about women who just want a man's sperm but no involvement and how do they compensate for this void.

[Padgett2]

Accidents happen and many women are left to raise babies on their own. I was only four months old when my father died. I have a cousin that wasn't even born when his father was killed. Our present war will yield many children born to a widowed mother.

Many women do a better job of raising a child alone than women with a husband. Only time will tell how this will turn out.

And yes, if I wanted a child bad enough to take on doing it alone, I would.

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by Padgett2

Accidents happen and many women are left to raise babies on their own. I was only four months old when my father died. I have a cousin that wasn't even born when his father was killed. Our present war will yield many children born to a widowed mother.

Many women do a better job of raising a child alone than women with a husband. Only time will tell how this will turn out.

And yes, if I wanted a child bad enough to take on doing it alone, I would.

Padgett2 - I agree, many women are amazing to be able to raise a child on their own with no father. It breaks my heart to see children lose their fathers in the Iraq War - or any time a child is without a dad.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Thank you for sharing that.

[BerkeleyCali]

What difference does it make *how* a person becomes a single parent? More so, who are you, or anyone else for that matter, to judge her? Everyone has the right to make their own choices in life, and in return it is *they* that lives with the consequences of their actions. I only know what it is like to be in my shoes, and I do not think that my way is the only way.

So to answer your question, no, you are not being "old fashioned," you are being judgmental.

[saralee]

Can't enlighten you so to speak but I can definitively say that this is a not-so-uncommon scenario. Sounds like your relative did it the old-fashioned way but plenty of women reach a certain age uncoupled, find that their biological clocks are ticking unbearably loud, and make a withdrawal from the nearest sperm bank or choose adoption. A lot of these women are financially capable, emotionally sound and simply don't think that just because the right man hasn't come along, they can't parent a child effectively.

Selfish? Perhaps. But I'm not convinced that it's necessarily detrimental in the long run. Ideally, every child would have two parents. It's nice when two people can share the work load and spread the love around. But can a single parent by choice get the job done without sending the kid into therapy? Happens everyday!

I adopted an older child with moderate special needs as a single mother. I fostered as a single parent too. I always knew years before becoming a mother, that I wanted children to enrich my life.

My mother raised us on her own, maybe not by choice so to speak but more or less because of the poor choices she made (when it came to picking men!) and we were fulfilled. I can honestly say that I never felt like I was missing out on having a father at home. But then again, we were surrounded by family and friends who loved us, and shared the burden of raising us. Any chance you can bless this child similarly?

Sara

[saralee]

Originally Posted by BerkeleyCali

What difference does it make *how* a person becomes a single parent? More so, who are you, or anyone else for that matter, to judge her? Everyone has the right to make their own choices in life, and in return it is *they* that lives with the consequences of their actions. I only know what it is like to be in my shoes, and I do not think that my way is the only way.

So to answer your question, no, you are not being "old fashioned," you are being judgmental.

I have to say that by the way the orginal post was phrased, she genuinely sounds concerned to me, as opposed to judgemental. She did, afterall, say "enlighten me."

I don't know how old the original poster is but perhaps there is a generational gap. I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt and understand that not everyone "gets" how someone could make such a monumental decision, alone.

At the time I became a single parent to the child I adopted, it wasn't because I wanted to parent alone but heck, I had no husband and no prospects so to speak. It was a brave and foolish decision, one I'll never regret. I didn't HAVE to do it, but I wanted to, and thus a family was created. But even then I knew that not everyone would understand and frankly, I never expected them to.

Sara

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by BerkeleyCali

What difference does it make *how* a person becomes a single parent? More so, who are you, or anyone else for that matter, to judge her? Everyone has the right to make their own choices in life, and in return it is *they* that lives with the consequences of their actions. I only know what it is like to be in my shoes, and I do not think that my way is the only way.

So to answer your question, no, you are not being "old fashioned," you are being judgmental.

berkeleyCali - you are probably right - maybe I am being judgemental. However, I am concerned about this child. I have a cousin who never knew her biological father as he left when her mother was pregnant. It still scars her to this day. The relative who is pregnant, her father was rarely around - once a year if that - he'd drop by to bring a present... then he was gone. He eventually died when she was 13. She's been "looking for love" her whole life - a damaged girl and no amount of therapy has helped her. I guess this is why this situation bothers me so much. I'm watching the cycle repeat itself.

[MonaLisaVito]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

I found out a relative of mine is pregnant with her first child. She is single, living with her mother, still in school (she's 30), and works at a not-so-great job. I am - to say the least - disappointed in her. It's not the fact that she's living w/ mom or still in school... it's the fact that she did this on purpose w/ the full intention of not having a father around for her child. She has always stated, "If I don't get married at a certain age, I'm going to have a baby on my own...". Well, she did it and now she doesn't want the father involved (her choice). Am I being old fashioned? She has no one to help her (her mom works full-time AND has health issues).

Mothers have children all the time on their own but for a variety of reasons such as the father is abusive, he doesn't want anything to do with the child, etc. They do it for the good of the child or not by choice.

What do people think about this scenarios? Would you have a child without a father or a significant other if you reached a certain age? Why/why not? Enlighten me. I'm all ears...


****Just to make myself clear - I'm not talking about widowed mothers, divorced women, or women who are single mothers through no fault of their own (the father is a creep, or whatever) or accidental pregnancies. My question is very specific - I'm curious about women who just want a man's sperm but no involvement and how do they compensate for this void.

NO, I would NEVER, they only way for me personally would be by the scenarios in your last paragraph.

[BerkeleyCali]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

berkeleyCali - you are probably right - maybe I am being judgemental. However, I am concerned about this child. I have a cousin who never knew her biological father as he left when her mother was pregnant. It still scars her to this day. The relative who is pregnant, her father was rarely around - once a year if that - he'd drop by to bring a present... then he was gone. He eventually died when she was 13. She's been "looking for love" her whole life - a damaged girl and no amount of therapy has helped her. I guess this is why this situation bothers me so much. I'm watching the cycle repeat itself.

I can see why you would be concerned for her and the unborn child if she is not ready. Maybe I reacted hastily to your post, but I assumed you were generalizing, not just referring to her.

In regards to the statement, "If I don't get married at a certain age, I'm going to have a baby on my own...". Well, she did it and now she doesn't want the father involved (her choice). Am I being old fashioned? " I guess I feel it is important not to judge people (in general) because that is their choice and they will learn/deal as they live with their choices.

No doubt though, it is going to be a tough road ahead for anyone raising a child without a lot of support.

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by saralee

Can't enlighten you so to speak but I can definitively say that this is a not-so-uncommon scenario. Sounds like your relative did it the old-fashioned way but plenty of women reach a certain age uncoupled, find that their biological clocks are ticking unbearably loud, and make a withdrawal from the nearest sperm bank or choose adoption. A lot of these women are financially capable, emotionally sound and simply don't think that just because the right man hasn't come along, they can't parent a child effectively.



Selfish? Perhaps. But I'm not convinced that it's necessarily detrimental in the long run. Ideally, every child would have two parents. It's nice when two people can share the work load and spread the love around. But can a single parent by choice get the job done without sending the kid into therapy? Happens everyday!

I adopted an older child with moderate special needs as a single mother. I fostered as a single parent too. I always knew years before becoming a mother, that I wanted children to enrich my life.

My mother raised us on her own, maybe not by choice so to speak but more or less because of the poor choices she made (when it came to picking men!) and we were fulfilled. I can honestly say that I never felt like I was missing out on having a father at home. But then again, we were surrounded by family and friends who loved us, and shared the burden of raising us. Any chance you can bless this child similarly?

Sara

Sara, you sound like an angel. This is what I needed to hear. I really need to learn to accept it and not be so outraged that it's happening again - I've been telling myself this for a week. It's hard to let go of the "what if's." In my extended family, this type of scenario has not turned out well - so it's always good to hear that others turn out okay.

And yes. I will always accept a child into our family no matter how it came about.