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I agree with you all, I have given him way to much over the years, I guess trying to make up for what his daddy couldn't do. But, I will stand firm, he is grown he needs to act it. Gonna hurt when I see him fall and stumble, and I feel assured it will happen. But, if I love him and I do, I feel liek it's best.
Just wanted confirmation that I'm on the right track...
So he bought the tickets for your ex husband? WOW.... Sounds like he could have been guilt tripped or pressured into it by your ex.
I hope he is studying something good in school and not just accumulating debt. You need to help him with this lesson now and close the bank. That said, you also need to be watchful that he doesn't foolishly accumulate a bunch of unnecessary debt while in college.
I agree with you all, I have given him way to much over the years, I guess trying to make up for what his daddy couldn't do. But, I will stand firm, he is grown he needs to act it. Gonna hurt when I see him fall and stumble, and I feel assured it will happen. But, if I love him and I do, I feel liek it's best.
Just wanted confirmation that I'm on the right track...
yes, what you are doing is corect. He has to learn a lesson.
As i say, if there is consolation to be taken from all this, at least he isn't wasting the money on drink or drugs or similar.
While what he spent it on isn't necessarily something you approve of, and the methods by which he managed to raise the cash are less than honest, the gesture of buying the tickets is a kind one. His motivation is good, but his methods were ill-thought to say the least.
Whether his father truly appreciates this or not is another matter. If not, then at some point your son will learn a hard lesson about his father.
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Originally Posted by Braunwyn
Eh, I don't think helping out with the groceries is a big a deal. My dad fell on hard times a few years ago and I helped him out with groceries and spending money until he got back on his feet.
Agreed, but if he needs the help, he'll be taken to the supermarket and bought some stuff to put in his cupboards and fridge. I don't want him to see me as a blank cheque.
It all depends on how regular an occurence it is.
I'm not saying I won't support him, just that I won't pay everything for him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
I think what's going on in the OP's case is more than a matter of being level-headed. There appears to be emotional parent issues going on with this kid, so it's a bit more involved. Her cutting him off will be a good lesson.
It's more the family dynamics I'm interested in here. As I sad right from the start, I think there is more to this.
Perhaps the OP is trying extra hard since she feels her ex is failing, but perhaps it's too hard.
It's more the family dynamics I'm interested in here. As I sad right from the start, I think there is more to this.
Where I'm confused is that, right from the start, I've seen nothing but the fact that you agree with the OP wholeheartedly while trying to give examples of why you actually don't. Of course there are "issues" with the family dynamic when divorce is involved but I see no more in this case than in the majority of similar households and in fact much less. OP - you are entirely on the right foot in my opinion and if that ungrateful little wretch doesn't apologize to you one of these days soon I'd throw him in the stocks and invite CD contributors over to throw rotten tomatoes at him!
My son, 20. His dad and I have been divorced since he was 4. Has moved out on his own and has been for 4 months. He is a Junior at a University, his GPA is 3.4, he works two jobs. For the most part he seems very responsible and always has been respectful. I have helped him out the first 3 months with groceries, a TV, furniture, and general stuff needed for the first time you move out, I would guess this is what all parents do.
So, yesterday, I find out he spent $900 on three football tickets. I had to be peeled off the roof. First, I've been buying groceries for him because he said he has no money...so, I called him and ask him "was this indeed true?", he said, "yes it was" I didn't get mad with him, didn't raise my voice. I simply ask him, " do you think that was a good, sound finanical decision?" he replied, "it's my decision, right or wrong, my money." I told him he was right and launched into I know you want to do things for people and thats good, but it's not right to spend that money on football when someone is buying your groceries. This is where he lost it, I never ask who the tickets were for, didn't care, but he says, "they are for Dad and ******(his stepmom)" and I will buy them whatever I want..I explained it didn't matter who they were for...but, he didn't want to hear it.
I signed for his apartment, I moved him, I helped with his bills. Until now. I will not buy another penny of groceries or fork out any more money, I told him, to apply for student loans cause the bank of Momma is closed.
It breaks my heart that he is mad, but, It's time he went to the school of hard knocks...His dad is aloof, he's been there, but he can't help with money or credit cause his management skills suck...and my boys are continuiously trying to "buy" his love...
Am I doing the right thing by cutting the money off? What say you?
Basically, yes, you are. He might harbor bad feelings, but now that he has to pay for those kinds of purchases on his own, he might understand where you're coming from a little better.
If you were doing it to prevent him from having fun with your ex and his steppy, that would be one thing, but it doesn't appear to be the case. Your motives were pure. You were simply wondering why in the heck he would make that kind of purchase, and you were right to inquire about it.
There might be some rough feelings at first. Stick to your guns. You can always offer to *loan* some money if he ever gets in over his head.
My son, 20. His dad and I have been divorced since he was 4. Has moved out on his own and has been for 4 months. He is a Junior at a University, his GPA is 3.4, he works two jobs. For the most part he seems very responsible and always has been respectful. I have helped him out the first 3 months with groceries, a TV, furniture, and general stuff needed for the first time you move out, I would guess this is what all parents do.
So, yesterday, I find out he spent $900 on three football tickets. I had to be peeled off the roof. First, I've been buying groceries for him because he said he has no money...so, I called him and ask him "was this indeed true?", he said, "yes it was" I didn't get mad with him, didn't raise my voice. I simply ask him, " do you think that was a good, sound finanical decision?" he replied, "it's my decision, right or wrong, my money." I told him he was right and launched into I know you want to do things for people and thats good, but it's not right to spend that money on football when someone is buying your groceries. This is where he lost it, I never ask who the tickets were for, didn't care, but he says, "they are for Dad and ******(his stepmom)" and I will buy them whatever I want..I explained it didn't matter who they were for...but, he didn't want to hear it.
I signed for his apartment, I moved him, I helped with his bills. Until now. I will not buy another penny of groceries or fork out any more money, I told him, to apply for student loans cause the bank of Momma is closed.
It breaks my heart that he is mad, but, It's time he went to the school of hard knocks...His dad is aloof, he's been there, but he can't help with money or credit cause his management skills suck...and my boys are continuiously trying to "buy" his love...
Am I doing the right thing by cutting the money off? What say you?
Cut that spoiled baby OFF! If he has a 3.4 gpa he can figure it out. He is 20 and can use programs at school or through student loan lenders to learn how to manage life costs and debt. I would point him in that direction.
My parents didn't help me with anything just because I never bothered to ask. My sibling on the other hand....and guess who still is looking for help a decade down the road. (its not me) The sibling also has crap credit and a much higher debt ratio despite not having as much education or property.
Its time to teach a man to fish instead of serving up dinner!
I would also ask him why he is so mad. And then also ask him if he had a kid and the situation was the same how would he react. You have to force children to think about others needs as they may not be at that emotional development stage yet.
Actually his dad and stepmom and I have a good relationship, and yes, his dad does put him and his brother up to stuff like that, buy us this and tell stepmom it was all your idea(as to gain her favor)...I stay out of that and have until now... I hate to see him get in debt over his head and have been watching out for him, until now...
his words were " I don't need you to be nosey, I don't need you, period. this is my life." So it is. If he goes the road to ruin in his credit life it will be a long road back to the good...I hate to sit back and watch, but, he obviously is grown and won't listen to me anyway.
I might add that his dad is in bankruptcy for trying to live above his means...andhe has children from 2-20 my two are the oldest, 19 and 20.
NO. Don't do this. That is what loans from banks, check cashing places, credit unions and jobs are for. Time to put on the big boy britches.
OP, I have to agreee with the above.
Love him and support him, but that doesn't mean an open checkbook. It sounds like he's a smart young man and needs to use some of those 'smarts' to start providing for himself - basics first and luxuries if they fit into the available budget. He'll soon learn to differentiate between the two. Experience is a wonderful teacher.
Hang in there. Tough love is not only tough on the children, but usually on the parents as well.
I agree with the decision to cut off from financing him, but personally I wouldn't have been giving him so much money in the first place.
That's what I disagree with.
I think while we are responsible to 'help' our kids through college, we are not responsible to 'put' them through.
At somepoint, or kids have to learn to support themselves
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident
Where I'm confused is that, right from the start, I've seen nothing but the fact that you agree with the OP wholeheartedly while trying to give examples of why you actually don't. Of course there are "issues" with the family dynamic when divorce is involved but I see no more in this case than in the majority of similar households and in fact much less. OP - you are entirely on the right foot in my opinion and if that ungrateful little wretch doesn't apologize to you one of these days soon I'd throw him in the stocks and invite CD contributors over to throw rotten tomatoes at him!
Well if its his life he can buy his groceries and find an apt without you co-signing for it. I would stop that co-signing thing too if he has spending problems. I am sure the last thing you want to deal with is a a bill from a landlord amounting to 1000's in backed rent. Landlords PUSH students to get cosigners because of this typical type of behavior.
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Of course there are "issues" with the family dynamic when divorce is involved but I see no more in this case than in the majority of similar households and in fact much less. OP - you are entirely on the right foot in my opinion and if that ungrateful little wretch doesn't apologize to you one of these days soon I'd throw him in the stocks and invite CD contributors over to throw rotten tomatoes at him! 
