Son, 20, making bad choices... (legally, allowance, playing, get married)
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Not a smart move on his part but u need to ctfo! Ur the one that had a baby with a dead beat or at best aloof dad. Your son despite that is going to want a relationship wwith his father. Maybe he thinks spending $900 on football tickets is the only way he can have that. Look in the miror u are the cause of this
How was I know to know the man I married would be a deadbeat dad? I can't forsee the future.
I AM not to blame for his dad being deadbeat nor am I the cause for his poor decisions. I'm sure he did think that 900 on football tickets was reasonable, but, he now knows or will soon know differently.
I am not be manipulative. However, he was. Asking for money for groceries when all the while he had money. And we have talked on several occasions what is expected of him and why.
I don't feel like he needs my help anymore, if he can save and buy anything for $900 then he can make do on his own.
Yes, I did.
You're talking out of both sides of your mouth.
You do, you don't. You backtrack.
You've never given your son anything, and you never will... then you say that you'd help him out.
Your posts are making me dizzy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cbmsu01
Okay, I'm going to offer a somewhat contrarian opinion here, but I think that for a lot of 20-year-olds, there's an idea or expectation that parents and student loans will take care of basic expenses, and the young person takes care of luxury or unnecessary items. I think your son knows that these football tickets fall in the latter category, and because he paid for them, he doesn't see how he did anything wrong. So I can see his point. At 20 years old, I probably would have thought the same way to be honest (and I'm not that much older than that; sometimes I still buy luxury items when they're helping me out through my current unemployment. ) So by cutting him off, he thinks you're making a value judgment about what he's doing with his life. It is a problem that your son misled you though. My guess he knew you would disapprove.
I'm not sure how to handle this. My personal opinion is that cutting him off completely is too harsh, because you'd probably be still helping out if he didn't buy those football tickets and there wasn't clear communication between the two of you about who was going to be paying for what. I think it's probably best to have a discussion about how financially independent you want your son to be. Hopefully he's still willing to listen.
I believe he said that he didn't need her or her help.
He can live with his words.
It's up to him to apologize or live with them.
Why is it up to the parent to take the lead?
If the kid has almost $1,000 to blow on something frivolous, he doesn't need his mother's financial help.
I am not be manipulative. However, he was. Asking for money for groceries when all the while he had money. And we have talked on several occasions what is expected of him and why.
I don't feel like he needs my help anymore, if he can save and buy anything for $900 then he can make do on his own.
I don't think either or you is/was manipulative - you just each had different expectations and assumed things you shouldn't have .
Read cbsmu's post again
"for a lot of 20-year-olds, there's an idea or expectation that parents and student loans will take care of basic expenses, and the young person takes care of luxury or unnecessary items. I think your son knows that these football tickets fall in the latter category, and because he paid for them, he doesn't see how he did anything wrong. So I can see his point. At 20 years old, I probably would have thought the same way to be honest (and I'm not that much older than that; sometimes I still buy luxury items when they're helping me out through my current unemployment. ) So by cutting him off, he thinks you're making a value judgment about what he's doing with his life."
Well, I can assure each of you whichever and for whatever the Bank of Momma is closed. He does owe me an apology for some things(that I didn't go into detail, they were not relevant)that he said to me, that if he had been in front of me, he would have never said.
Yes, I did.
You're talking out of both sides of your mouth.
You do, you don't. You backtrack.
You've never given your son anything, and you never will... then you say that you'd help him out.
Your posts are making me dizzy.
What I said is that I'll help him out in extreme circumstances, but by and large he's on his own.
I won't pay his rent, and I certainly won't fund his education, but I'd maybe buy him some food from time to time.
I may go around and take him for a few beers.
If my help is ever expected, then it stops.
I also didn't say I had never given him anything, I said I sometimes was careful not to give him everything. BIG difference.
Are there any of those words in particular that you have difficuty with?
I put myself through my education by working part time to support myself, and my son will do the same. If he's in dire straits, I will help him a little, and he can have all the advice and guidance he will ever need, but I won't spoonfeed him.
I certainly have no desire for him to come to rely on me.
He has to realise at some point that he is responsible for the consequences of his actions.
The Bank of Dad is closed.
Sounds like it was never open to begin with..geez bm
Well, I can assure each of you whichever and for whatever the Bank of Momma is closed. He does owe me an apology for some things(that I didn't go into detail, they were not relevant)that he said to me, that if he had been in front of me, he would have never said.
Clearly you are still emotional about this round, so I think it's good you are going to wait a few days to speak to him about everything.
Once you do sit down with him, it's best to be factual and unemotional in order for him to learn the lesson you want to teach
What I said is that I'll help him out in extreme circumstances, but by and large he's on his own.
I won't pay his rent, and I certainly won't fund his education, but I'd maybe buy him some food from time to time.
I may go around and take him for a few beers.
If my help is ever expected, then it stops.
I also didn't say I had never given him anything, I said I sometimes was careful not to give him everything. BIG difference.
Are there any of those words in particular that you have difficuty with?
No, here is what you said...
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
Possibly, but in my son's case, it was never open.
It may sound harsh, but I've always believed that children should never get everything they want.
They have to learn that it's a hard world, and sometimes we are disappointed. Also that we should never rely on others.
When we want something, we have to work for it, it makes it much more treasured to us.
My son's 18 now, and is at university. He's turned out just fine, and is very level-headed and non-materialistic, he appreciates the value of things.
Very much unlike a lot of kids of his generation.
The fact that you never gave him anything says quite a bit.
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How was I know to know the man I married would be a deadbeat dad? I can't forsee the future.
) So by cutting him off, he thinks you're making a value judgment about what he's doing with his life. It is a problem that your son misled you though. My guess he knew you would disapprove.
