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It's more the family dynamics I'm interested in here. As I sad right from the start, I think there is more to this.
Perhaps the OP is trying extra hard since she feels her ex is failing, but perhaps it's too hard.
Yea, that appears to be the case. From her posts, it sounds like she was trying to make up for the dad not being all he could be as a dad. It's a tough situation and parents don't always know what the right thing to do is. I'm sure she was just doing her best.
One word of advice I have for the OP, which is probably out in left field, is to keep tabs on this kid. My mom did the same with my brother when he was 18. She ended up kicking him out of the house. He really needed it, but just 6 months later he developed/discovered he had crohn's disease and lost his colon. From there his life went down hill. Not that anything could have been done about it, but it was hard on my mother guilt wise. I guess my point is to try to keep a strong communication and bond going while giving the tough love (just in case). That's more important than any amount of money.
Agreed.
Particularly if the boy's father is poor with money.
A short, sharp lesson now will stop him following down that path.
If he has to work hard for things, he will appreciate them.
If it all comes to him easily, then he is surely doomed to follow in his father's footsteps.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Opsimathia
Well if its his life he can buy his groceries and find an apt without you co-signing for it. I would stop that co-signing thing too if he has spending problems. I am sure the last thing you want to deal with is a a bill from a landlord amounting to 1000's in backed rent. Landlords PUSH students to get cosigners because of this typical type of behavior.
Oh damn! I have notthought he didn't pay his rent... I did co-sign, I will call right now and check that out if he hasn't paid he will be one embarassed kid, I will go to his class and pull him out by nap of his neck!!!
My son, 20. His dad and I have been divorced since he was 4. Has moved out on his own and has been for 4 months. He is a Junior at a University, his GPA is 3.4, he works two jobs. For the most part he seems very responsible and always has been respectful. I have helped him out the first 3 months with groceries, a TV, furniture, and general stuff needed for the first time you move out, I would guess this is what all parents do.
So, yesterday, I find out he spent $900 on three football tickets. I had to be peeled off the roof. First, I've been buying groceries for him because he said he has no money...so, I called him and ask him "was this indeed true?", he said, "yes it was" I didn't get mad with him, didn't raise my voice. I simply ask him, " do you think that was a good, sound finanical decision?" he replied, "it's my decision, right or wrong, my money." I told him he was right and launched into I know you want to do things for people and thats good, but it's not right to spend that money on football when someone is buying your groceries. This is where he lost it, I never ask who the tickets were for, didn't care, but he says, "they are for Dad and ******(his stepmom)" and I will buy them whatever I want..I explained it didn't matter who they were for...but, he didn't want to hear it.
I signed for his apartment, I moved him, I helped with his bills. Until now. I will not buy another penny of groceries or fork out any more money, I told him, to apply for student loans cause the bank of Momma is closed.
It breaks my heart that he is mad, but, It's time he went to the school of hard knocks...His dad is aloof, he's been there, but he can't help with money or credit cause his management skills suck...and my boys are continuiously trying to "buy" his love...
Am I doing the right thing by cutting the money off? What say you?
I feel for you my friend, I really do.
I see several layers of things here...
First of all, I completely understand you being upset - you've been helping him financially and when you heard he'd spent $900 on something so frivolous you felt disrespected and unappreciated.
Teens and young adults can't always understand another point of view like this because they tend to be more egocentric.
The reality is, you had an EXPECTATION that he would behave a certain way based on how you behaved (by helping him) and when your expectation wasn't met you were hurt and disappointed. So part of your reaction was out of your own hurt feelings.
Underneath it all though I sense your concern and frustration that your son's dad is so emotionally disconnected from your sons that they feel driven to get his attention however they can, even to their own detriment (financial or otherwise). As a mom, this enrages you on their behalf - I completely get that.
I see that deep-seated rage as what really made you go off on your son.
What you really want, besides to be respected and appreciated for all you do for him, is for him to not be hurt by his father again or set himself up to be that pathetic person who will chase after anyone saying "love me, love me please!"
Basically, the mama bear in you came out and roared, lol.
Hopefully now that a day has gone by you are feeling calmer and not so angry. What I would recommend is calling him over to have a face to face conversation.
Obviously, there was a breakdown in communication between the two of you over the last years of his life, which often happens when we don't voice our expectations and make clear our intentions.
However, you guys have had an otherwise close relationship and I do believe this can be a "teachable moment" - one you can actually both learn from.
So sit down with him, explain your feelings, give him a chance to explain his, then tell him WITHOUT ANGER OR ATTITUDE what you are willing to do/not do for him going forward.
When cooler heads prevail both parties can come away feeling better about the relationship, and I do hope that's what happens in yours
His rent is paid. Whew! And LM, as always you're the very voice of reason, but, it will take more than a day for us...he's that much like his momma...I will do what you suggest tho, just maybe the first of next week.
Your son is at the awkward age where he's not quite a full fledged adult and not quite a child. More questions than answers, even if he thinks he has all the answers.
I would let the dust settle for a few days and sometime next week have a conversation with him. Let him know where you're coming from, and assure him that you aren't trying to get in between he and his father. That your concerns are strictly a matter of principle and finances and that if he expects or needs your help he'll need to reach a compromise.
What baffles me is why his dad would even allow him to purchase $900 worth of football tickets when he knows his son is a struggling college student. My son is 20, and goes to school part time and works part time, and I tell him not to buy me any gifts for my birthday or Christmas. I help him with tuition and his car, and every so often I scratch my head because he'll blow half his paycheck on his girlfriend. But I know he's still a kid in many respects and I can't always expect him to make the most sound financial choices. Hell, even many grown adults don't...look at the mortgage crisis and loan defaults in this country.
I'm sure he's in an awkward place trying to adjust to college and trying to win over his dad. Talk to him but try not to bring his relationship with his father into the discussion. Stay on topic and remind him that you are helping him because you love him, not out of any obligation.
Maybe if you didn't pay his tuition and car stuff he would be forced to get into the habit.
20 is not a child. People go off to die for their country at 18.
There really is no need to talk about relationships at all. You give the facts on how to handle money and set up a budget. The emotional crap is a whole different can of worms. That can't be solved in an instant. Spending money poorly can be solved in a one night project of sorting needs, wants and seeing what you have to work with. I think if you even mention the family stuff its going to be mom vs. dad in his head and not seen as something to learn from.
Yes. Because you are helping him with groceries, while his dad is basically getting your grocery money in the form of football tickets, you have every reason to cut him off. I'd do the same thing.
No deeper issue on my part, It pissed me off that hepaid that kind of money for football tickets, I didn't offer him money HE ASK, huge difference, he lied to me, said he didn't have money, when all the while he was planning this.
WOW!
Yeah...if he just used you that would tick me off too..
I have a 20 year old stepson. He plays those cards too. I don't fall for it though. If he asks me for something I will only give him a direction to go. I will not do it for him.
This morning...flat tire on his car. Will I do anything about it? No. If he asks I will tell him what he can do. Will I call around to get him a good deal on a tire or whatever? No. Not my car. He is old enough to figure it out.
Ah...the joys of not having to take care of them anymore.
Time to cut the umbilical cord! You'll be a lot more proud of him when he's no longer dependent on you. And conversely, he'll have more respect for you when he finds out how hard it is to be independent.
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