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There are some DILs that require walking on eggshells around. I have one. I learned very early not to make what I considered friendly overtures if they could in any way be construed as criticism, despite that not being my intent AT ALL. Example: Sent my DIL some favorite family recipes that my son loved. Whoa.
Could I criticize some of her actions? Of course I could. We recently went up to visit for the first time 7 months after the wedding, and there was no food offered the entire weekend. She thought we would take them out to eat every meal. We did our best not to over-impose by getting a hotel room.
But our son shares that responsibility. He grew up in a house with regular visits from friends and family with hospitality extended to all. She grew up in a home with little cooking done by her mother.
We have a cordial relationship, that will hopefully grow into a warm one, in time.
Ugh, I hope so but from what I read before about your DIL. Don't hold your breath. I still think she is a spoiled princess.
Ugh, I hope so but from what I read before about your DIL. Don't hold your breath. I still think she is a spoiled princess.
I agree I think she is spoiled and I hope her children learn from their father and not from her . That girl needs a good lesson in manners and my goodness it does not take much to have a cake in the icebox and make some coffee . Then again she might break a fingernail . She reminds me of my sister in law who does not offer us anything either when we visit . I cant visit her home because she has cats and Im allergic and my brother asks her to put them away in a bedroom but she becomes a wife -zilla and gives him the silent treatment for about a week . So i simply told them I would visit them at work instead of their home . I would say I feel sorry for my brother but I dont he could take care of that real quick if he felt like a battle but he walks on egg shells .
Honestly, I have come to the conclusion that it is my responsibility to bend to her, not the other way around. Maybe one day she will respect me for the mere idea of being the mother of her husband and the grandmother of their children, but she was raised differently than DS, and it is what it is.
I can either insist she see things my way, and lose them both, or follow their lead. I am not willing to lose my son.
Honestly, I have come to the conclusion that it is my responsibility to bend to her, not the other way around. Maybe one day she will respect me for the mere idea of being the mother of her husband and the grandmother of their children, but she was raised differently than DS, and it is what it is.
I can either insist she see things my way, and lose them both, or follow their lead. I am not willing to lose my son.
It sounds like you went through a very difficult situation.
For sure there is something positive about this. You have decided to be flexible, even though you call it bending to her. This will allow you to keep an open mind and be able to learn the unwritten rules of certain families, which would mean the rules of their society.
You already know what to do, which is follow their lead when it comes to dealing with their family.
Good for you for figuring this out and from what I can tell, handling it quite well. It is a difficult lesson to learn. For sure you get a pat on the back.
I met my MIL 10 minutes before our wedding. I was the second wife and I knew MIL and first wife were very close, even after their divorce. This had nothing whatsoever to do with me and it really didn't bother me. Actually I like first wife but that is another thread.
Anyway we were married 5 years before we finally had a baby. She lived several states away and didn't get to see us often but she saved her leave and her money to fly to see us whenever she could.
One visit when son was about 2 she walked in the door from the airport and could see I was a basket case. She sat my husband, her son, down and said "This woman needs a break and I want you to take her out of town for a few days and show her she is special and let her know she is appreciated." Up to that point I hadn't even had a baby sitter for him. Off we went to a B&B in Savannah for a wonderful change of pace. I will never forget such a generous giving spirit she had. I wish she could have been in our lives longer. Sadly she was killed in an auto accident on her way to chemo.
Indeed. It is a wise person who chooses what will work over being "right."
Re: the OP, I have a "challenging" MIL and grand-MIL. We all love each other, but have very, very different ways of being. Over the years, we've hammered out a better understanding of each other. We're good on a macro level, and it helps that we live several states away, as I could see day-to-day irritations coming up frequently for all of us if they were local. I honestly think a lot of the run-of-the-mill MIL-DIL problems (not the serious abusive kind) stem from personality and family-of-origin differences.
I met my MIL 10 minutes before our wedding. I was the second wife and I knew MIL and first wife were very close, even after their divorce. This had nothing whatsoever to do with me and it really didn't bother me. Actually I like first wife but that is another thread.
Anyway we were married 5 years before we finally had a baby. She lived several states away and didn't get to see us often but she saved her leave and her money to fly to see us whenever she could.
One visit when son was about 2 she walked in the door from the airport and could see I was a basket case. She sat my husband, her son, down and said "This woman needs a break and I want you to take her out of town for a few days and show her she is special and let her know she is appreciated." Up to that point I hadn't even had a baby sitter for him. Off we went to a B&B in Savannah for a wonderful change of pace. I will never forget such a generous giving spirit she had. I wish she could have been in our lives longer. Sadly she was killed in an auto accident on her way to chemo.
How wonderful. Doesn't it seem obvious that a woman would treat another this way? My Mom would never have walked into one of her childrens' homes and looked for something to pick apart. She'd send the new Mom (daughter OR DIL) right to bed for a much needed nap and quietly scrub the oven bakes some bread and cook enough dinner for a week.
Indeed. It is a wise person who chooses what will work over being "right."
Re: the OP, I have a "challenging" MIL and grand-MIL. We all love each other, but have very, very different ways of being. Over the years, we've hammered out a better understanding of each other. We're good on a macro level, and it helps that we live several states away, as I could see day-to-day irritations coming up frequently for all of us if they were local. I honestly think a lot of the run-of-the-mill MIL-DIL problems (not the serious abusive kind) stem from personality and family-of-origin differences.
I met my MIL 10 minutes before our wedding. I was the second wife and I knew MIL and first wife were very close, even after their divorce. This had nothing whatsoever to do with me and it really didn't bother me. Actually I like first wife but that is another thread.
Anyway we were married 5 years before we finally had a baby. She lived several states away and didn't get to see us often but she saved her leave and her money to fly to see us whenever she could.
One visit when son was about 2 she walked in the door from the airport and could see I was a basket case. She sat my husband, her son, down and said "This woman needs a break and I want you to take her out of town for a few days and show her she is special and let her know she is appreciated." Up to that point I hadn't even had a baby sitter for him. Off we went to a B&B in Savannah for a wonderful change of pace. I will never forget such a generous giving spirit she had. I wish she could have been in our lives longer. Sadly she was killed in an auto accident on her way to chemo.
What a wonderful gift she gave you! I'm sorry you lost her early.
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