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Thanks for everyone's feedback. My wife would argue that the way I put it makes her sound crazy, but she would paint a different picture of losing herself in this marriage and that I made all the decisions. This just came up a couple days ago and it's news to me (to the extent the marriage should end). Again, I'm not perfect, I do freak out when money is spent at times and on two big issues for her I have not agreed (baptism and a 5th child). Two big issues in 11 years. It all adds up though. I do value her opinion and want to please my wife. I want her to be happy.
She asked me what I've given up that is part of me for her. What have I sacrificed. That has not really happened, or it has and I've just rolled with it and accepted it. I'm not overly demanding (IMO). I've given my life to her and the kids. I overwork for them. I stress out about providing for them all the time. I try my hardest to be there for them, show up to practices, games, spend time when I can.
This experience has shown me that I haven't been there for her enough. Life has become so fast for us. Go go go. If we get past this I promise to get us a life together away from the kids on a regular basis. I promise to support and encourage HER time more. She is a wonderful mother and takes care of us all but she needs more things that are hers and hers alone.
Thanks for everyone's feedback. My wife would argue that the way I put it makes her sound crazy, but she would paint a different picture of losing herself in this marriage and that I made all the decisions. This just came up a couple days ago and it's news to me (to the extent the marriage should end). Again, I'm not perfect, I do freak out when money is spent at times and on two big issues for her I have not agreed (baptism and a 5th child). Two big issues in 11 years. It all adds up though. I do value her opinion and want to please my wife. I want her to be happy.
She asked me what I've given up that is part of me for her. What have I sacrificed. That has not really happened, or it has and I've just rolled with it and accepted it. I'm not overly demanding (IMO). I've given my life to her and the kids. I overwork for them. I stress out about providing for them all the time. I try my hardest to be there for them, show up to practices, games, spend time when I can.
This experience has shown me that I haven't been there for her enough. Life has become so fast for us. Go go go. If we get past this I promise to get us a life together away from the kids on a regular basis. I promise to support and encourage HER time more. She is a wonderful mother and takes care of us all but she needs more things that are hers and hers alone.
The trouble with becoming a mom, especially when you're a stay at home mom & wife, is that you "can" lose your identity. You are Mrs.? and Mom. You are doing everything you're doing with no "pay" and little real appreciation. (At least that's how it can feel). When you lose a child in the mix of things, all of sudden, it can make a woman feel like she can't even do THAT right. Not only has she lost sight of who she WAS, but now she's ceasing to lose who she IS.
What your wife (and even you, I fear) can't see right now, is just much your life will change when the kids get older. If only your wife could understand just how much busier your life is going to be when the kids get older, she probably wouldn't even CONSIDER having another child. Seriously! Most of mine are over 18 now, but I still have one who's almost 16. When the kids hit their teens, I realized just how NOT busy my life was when they were all young! LOL
You think you're going now? Oh just wait a few years! You think they're expensive NOW and that you and your wife have no alone time? Just WAIT! I'm trying to have a sense of humor here (because that's how you survive parenthood & marriage), but I'm serious too. Date night without kids? Oh LOL! Yet, we're still going strong after 30 years.
PaulFrank...I really think your wife is just depressed...she had fallen in love with the new baby she thought she would have.....I feel and hope that a bit more time is needed, and that she may then have a difference of opinion...I think she is still grieving....and I also think that the other 4 young children will keep her so busy that soon things will again become "smooth" in your life with her....but in the meantime it might not be a bad idea to get some snipping done asap...if you know what I mean...
How is having another baby going to help her find more of who she really is? I can certainly understand how she feels. When your whole identity is wrapped up in your kids, you feel very alone and underappreciated but having another baby is just going to prolong her lack of independence and freedom.
ask her what she thinks she wants for her life. How she thinks she can accomplish that dream.
She definitely needs someone professional to speak to on a regular basis. Good luck.
90sman, pay attention - the OP has already said he's working himself half to death to take care of the brood he has now. These aren't the Duggars or whatever their names are...this is a real family with real problems. Trite answers are NOT the answer. Good God.
Selfish is actually having FIVE children nowadays, imo.
Kids are GREAT, yes. AND children are literally starving to death as we post... last I saw, 1/4 of US children live BELOW the poverty line, not to mention 3rd world countries.
The earth itself can only take so much...and overpopulation is a major negative factor.
Do those contemplating a child ever consider these issues?
I support you OP, and hope you can work things out with your family. Just doesn't seem that child #5 would help you out in that respect. If your kids are that young, oh my, the bills coming in later as they grow older...might shock you, as I am told.
I hope you take care of yourself, get counseling for your wife and that you both will be good parents to those kids you already have.... good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 90sman
Don't be so selfish. Children are a blessing from God. If your wife wants to have more children, then you should have them.
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I'm trying to have a sense of humor here (because that's how you survive parenthood & marriage), but I'm serious too. Date night without kids? Oh LOL! Yet, we're still going strong after 30 years.
