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I am not an overbearing, overprotective mother, but I would never have allowed my parents to take my children out of town without me. Kids are tiring for parents, let alone grandparents. Have you asked to take them someplace for an hour or so...perhaps out for an ice-cream treat or to the neighborhood park?
No offense, but if your daughter senses how you feel about her as a parent, I can see why she would not want you to spend time alone with her children.
With all due respect, I sort of knew you would all respond with "well, they're HER kids, so put up or shut up."
So here I am, dying to take her kids to Disney, and she is having a panic attack. Thanks for the advice about having an honest convo, but the last time I tried that, it was all this yelling about how "insulted" she is that I don't want her to come along on some visits. You know what? I really don't need this. I am retired, I have money, I am in the golden time of my life.
I will just simply have to limit my time with my grandchildren, and they will be the ones missing out. Their parents cannot afford to do the things (trips) I can afford. Very sad. Until they grow up, are 18, and decide that they hate their parents, and are able to spend time with me without having Adolf Hitler watching.
As a parent, I would want to be the one to share special memories with my child, such as a Disney trip. Why are you opposed to bringing your daughter along? My parents spent lots of time with my kids, but there was never a question of their trips trumping what I could do for them. It makes you sound selfish, to be honest.
And, to describe your daughter as Hitler? Wow. Like it or not, you have very limited rights as a grandparent. If you want to have access to your grandchildren, you need to heal your relationship with your daughter.
With all due respect, I sort of knew you would all respond with "well, they're HER kids, so put up or shut up."
Do you know how many parents in this world would DIE to have their mother (the grandma of their kids) be begging to take the kids out, no less on expensive out-of-town trips? My daughter is being a control freak nutjob, which I could better understand if I was some random person or relative. BUT I AM HER MOTHER. I SPEND TIME WITH THE KIDS ALL THE TIME, EVERY WEEK. I HAVE BEEN A PARENT. I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. I would have DIED and gone to HEAVEN if my mother had wanted to spend as much time with my kids as I do my daughter's kids. And mind you, my daughter is always whining about how she doesn't get enough help, she has to "beg" for relatives to watch her kids (she only has me, no other extended family), she has it so rough, etc. So here I am, dying to take her kids to Disney, and she is having a panic attack. Thanks for the advice about having an honest convo, but the last time I tried that, it was all this yelling about how "insulted" she is that I don't want her to come along on some visits. You know what? I really don't need this. I am retired, I have money, I am in the golden time of my life. I really don't need to have to worry about this, get into an argument with my daughter, stress, put up with her attitude, put up with her grilling me every time I want to take the kids out, worry about how she will react before the trip, during the trip, after the trip, etc.
I will just simply have to limit my time with my grandchildren, and they will be the ones missing out. Their parents cannot afford to do the things (trips) I can afford. Very sad. Until they grow up, are 18, and decide that they hate their parents, and are able to spend time with me without having Adolf Hitler watching.
Maybe you should wait for the next time she whines about how rough she has it and then offer to take the kids for a few days and you'll entertain them so she can relax and have a short break.
It does sound like she's a little inconsistent if she whines about not getting any help from relatives and then won't allow you to help her by doing something with her kids -- I think most young parents would really enjoy a little time off.
The kids aren't missing out just because their parents can't afford to do the things you can. This resentful attitude may cause you to, though.
I wouldn't have let any of my kid's grandparents take her to Disney at four. They're all very capable people, but they aren't as sharp regarding keeping an eye on an active and impulsive child as they probably once were, and in a crowded place like that, with multiple distractions, I'd be concerned frankly.
That, and also going to Disney for some families is a bit of a right of passage that mom and dad would rather do themselves.
Regardless, they're HER kids. Expensive out of town trips not withstanding, it would probably behoove you to figure out what's really making you so angry, and have a go at sorting that out first.
I am confused. Are you talking about your daughter's children (grandson and granddaughter), or nieces and nephews as you referenced in you first post? Your daughter shouldn't have any input if you are looking to take nieces and nephews out.
If you meant to say granddaughter and grandson, then it's different. I can especially understand the reluctance to permit the Disney trip. My parents also wanted to take my oldest to Disney when he was 3. Instead, we invited them to join us on his first trip.
In the end, it is your daughter's call. I don't have insight as to why she would be reluctant to allow you to treat your grandchildren, but I'm betting an honest conversation could clear a lot of things up.
I like your approach -- invite the grandparents to join you on the trip -- but the OP says the parents can't afford the trip so maybe they can't do that.
And if there are two parents that would have to be included but cannot afford to go, a trip like that could suddenly get pretty expensive since they wouldn't be paying their own way. If my dad or dad and mom had wanted to take my kids to Disneyland, I would have allowed it and I wouldn't have expected a free trip out of the deal for myself and spouse.
Maybe they could do something like what you did -- the grandparent pay for the tickets and meals for the grandkids and the parents pay for their own costs and could go off and have fun some of the time while the grandmother watches the kids. It would be a compromise that way, half and half.
I have 3 grandkids. My daughter does not understand the fact that I want to spend time with them without her. For ex, I want to be able to take my 4 year old niece to Disney World (out of town trip), or take my 7 year old nephew to the toy store (local trip). I already spend plenty of time with the grandkids when the parents are around, and that's fine. But the kids act like BRATS when they are with the parents. They behave great when the parents are not around. So often times it's wonderful when I have them and I take them here or there, and the parents are not there. It's like night and day, the behavior.
How do I explain this to a parent without her/them getting insulted? Isn't the whole point of parents allowing loved ones to spend time with their children, so that the kids can have different experiences anyway????
I don't understand why my daughter is so upset. Can someone help me with the phrasing I need to explain this to her?
I have an idea why she might not want them to go.
Your mental state seems questionable, considering you are referring to your grandchildren as "nieces and nephews".
Also, the children are very young and are unlikely to be aware they are "missing out" unless someone helpfully points it out to them.
You, maybe?
Thirdly, your daughter knows you very well, and if she doesn't want her kids to be alone with you you must respect that she has her reasons.
I'm sure that when they get to the difficult teenage stage she will change her tune, you can Disneyland them all you like, and everyone's happy.
I pretty much agree with what the others have said. I don't really have any way of knowing if your daughter is being unreasonable or if she has valid reasons for not wanting you to be alone with the kids. I don't know where you live, but a trip to Disney is no small thing. I wouldn't want my parents taking my kids without me. For one thing, I'd want to be there to see them enjoying it. Maybe she wants to make sure the kids get treated equally, and doesn't want one to go without the other.
I think most of us agree bottom line is the kids are your daughter's kids. You had a chance to be a parent and now it's her turn. If she wants to be over-bearing, that's her prerogative. She will endure the consequences of that in the future. You can either choose to spend what time you have with your grandchildren or choose to be absent from their lives all together.
No one is trying to be deliberately confrontational but you are pretty direct with your words and there's nothing wrong with that but there are consequences to being too frank. You are going to get a reaction and the reaction is most of us think your daughter is in the right.
You had a chance to be a parent and now it's her turn. If she wants to be over-bearing, that's her prerogative. She will endure the consequences of that in the future. You can either choose to spend what time you have with your grandchildren or choose to be absent from their lives all together.
^This, in a nutshell.
It sounds like you really have an issue with your daughter and that your wishing to spend time with the kids alone really stems from not wanting your daughter around, disagreeing with her parenting style etc. If so it's no wonder she doesn't want you to take them. None of it sounds like a healthy family relationship in any case..
My parents ADORE our son, only grandchild, and they have always offered to take him overnight or for a few days so DH and I can relax, and we've taken them up on it because I trust them 100% (more than myself probably, lol). HOWEVER - there has not been a single instance where they implied that they didn't WANT me or DH to be there. It is ALWAYS our choice and up to us - and if there was a question of a trip they would always ask if we'd rather have them take DS or go all together. Even though I've gotten plenty of lectures and criticism of my parenting (which I accept well since I know it stems from nothing but love), there has never been a single time where I felt unwelcome at my parents' home when they watched DS. I can't imagine how it could be otherwise in a healthy loving family.
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