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I agree with above posters. My first thoughts are also with the poor woman who lost her child so late. That has to be the most traumatic thing for a mother, something I can only imagine and feel. Just reading it made me ache inside. I understand your anger at the trauma it caused your own children and past issues, but I think you should be more empathetic to the mother. This situation requires delicacy and compassion. Period. Your children are traumatized by an event that is equally traumatizing to the woman involved. Like others have recommended, allow them to express their grief and provide them comfort. They probably feel like they've lost a family member, not a fetus. (Personally that sounds so cold.) Counseling, either from you or a professional, works.
You should also provide comfort to your DIL in whatever fashion you choose.
You should ask your daughters what they think should be done for the dead baby...plant a tree to remember him by, or send flowers and a sympathy card to your DIL, or whatever they think is right. Allow them to express their grief and to recognize that it was a loss, and they can start to heal.
Perfect! I know Ivory has written that this thread is not about her daughter-in-law, but I think by encouraging the girls to express their grief and to care for their sister-in-law and her family during this very sad time, it might help them cope.
I know that in the aftermath of my loss, I was very grateful for the expressions of love and assistance that came from my family and friends in the form of flowers, cards, errand-running, and meals. I was especially touched by a friend who made a generous donation to the March of Dimes in memory of my child.
On another note, I must say that I am absolutely stunned that Ivory's dil's mother seemingly disappeared in the midst of all this. I couldn't get my parents to leave my side for weeks, and my in-laws jumped on the first plane out and stayed as long as possible. My siblings, too, immediately dropped everything and drove in from out of town directly to the hospital, so they could be there for my husband and me.
Also, while I don't mean to pry, Ivory, may I ask how far along your daughter-in-law was in her pregnancy?
Last edited by randomparent; 10-30-2012 at 12:28 PM..
Sure. But most people do not COMPLETE their miscarriages at the hospital. They do so at home. Please don't bandy about misinformation.
Do I remember that you have a medical license? If so, you know as well as I do that a woman in her second-trimester experiencing a spontaneous abortion would not be sent home to complete the miscarriage.
If you have not grieved over the loss of a child then it is hard for you to understand in this situation there was trauma that the children experienced and they need to know how to express their feelings. People will contend this is not a loss of a child but in your daughters' eyes it possibly was. When seeking counseling they will find the help they need I did (yes I did have a miscarriage and I did so at home-dr said there was nothing they could do so they sent me home no need for anymore information on that)and that is where my advice comes from. I blamed myself or a long time that if I did something differently that day maybe it would have never happened. No matter what your daughters could have did differently that day it would not have prevented what happened and they need to know that. Please get counseling if they want it.
When my kids were little (7 & under), they went to spend the weekend with some relatives as my spouse and I had a non child friendly commitment. As we were getting ready to pick them up, we received a phone call that a family member had passed away the night before in their own home. Then we learned the relatives our kids were staying with had gone to the home, with our kids, before this person died and were there at the time of passing. My kids were very aware of what was going on. No one called me or asked if it was ok to take our children over there. Believe me, we would have dropped whatever we were doing to pick them up. I was very upset we had not been included in the decision to take our children to witness a death. At the same time, I was grieving for our departed family member. It is very possible to have both emotions, so I understand the OP posting about one aspect of this situation while dealing with the rest of it on her own.
For my part, I chose not to say anything to our family for what they did. It would not have served any purpose at all.
On another note, I must say that I am absolutely stunned that Ivory's dil's mother seemingly disappeared in the midst of all this. I couldn't get my parents to leave my side for weeks, and my in-laws jumped on the first plane out and stayed as long as possible. My siblings, too, immediately dropped everything and drove in from out of town directly to the hospital, so they could be there for my husband and me.
Some people just can't handle the situation. When I miscarried, my mother was pretty non-existent during and for weeks after. I think she just didn't know what to say or do so she figured the best thing to do was to stay out of the way. That is her coping mechanism for most "bad" things in life, unfortunately, and I would have just caused myself more pain in grief if I got angry at the fact she wasn't being more supportive during my time of need.
I'm sorry but I do not understand the anger over Ivory's DD's trauma. Concern, empathy, care? Yes. Anger? No. DIL certainly didn't do any of this on purpose.
I'm sorry but I do not understand the anger over Ivory's DD's trauma. Concern, empathy, care? Yes. Anger? No. DIL certainly didn't do any of this on purpose.
They are kids and should not have been put in this position. I trusted ddil and I shouldn't have. I sent my girls over to stay the night so she could go to the hospital, NOT to help her have a miscarriage at home. As a parent, I had the right to know when she decided to come home. I had the right to decide if my kids are old enough to be there for something like this. Given the choice, I whould have told them to come home because this is something the adults should have handled. I wasn't given that choice. Now I have a dd who can't sleep because every time she closes her eyes she sees the dead fetus. And you don't understand my being angry???
Ddil did not have the right to make the decision to subject my kids to this. I understand that what she went through was truaumatic but that does not give her the right to use children to help her through it. Not mine and not hers. I can't stop what she exposes hers to. I should have had a choice in what she exposed mine to. Now all I can do is deal with a child who is now taking medication to help her sleep and who cannot function at school. I guess I should just not worry about that..... Apparently, my kids don't matter according to you...but you know what? They DO matter to me.
How old are your girls again? The plan was for them to babysit how many kids overnight?
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