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Some people just can't handle the situation. When I miscarried, my mother was pretty non-existent during and for weeks after. I think she just didn't know what to say or do so she figured the best thing to do was to stay out of the way. That is her coping mechanism for most "bad" things in life, unfortunately, and I would have just caused myself more pain in grief if I got angry at the fact she wasn't being more supportive during my time of need.
What pisses me off is I should have been called. No one called me to tell me my kids had just been signed up to help her through a miscarriage. I would not have allowed that. Once the decision was made to have the miscarriage at home, the kids should have been sent home. I would have, gladly, gone over and packed up her kids and mine and taken them to my house. No one called.
I didn't see a reason to be at the house with them when I thought she was spending the night in the hospital and there was nothing I could do at the hospital either. I figured being well rested and ready to help them the next day was a good plan. I had no idea my kids were going to play nurse during her miscarriage. In my world, adults don't use kids like that unless there is absolutely no other choice. There were other choices. This is what she chose. That she chose her kids witnessing this (fortunately, only one was awake and we don't think he understood what was going on) is one thing. That's her right as their parent. But it's MY right as my dds' parent to decide if my kids are up to this. I'm angry that choice was made for me. She should have sent my kids home when she came home. Now we have to figure out how to stop dd's nightmares.
FTR, nothing will ever be said to ddil but I have lost all trust in her. She will never be trusted with my kids again.
I'm also pretty ticked off at her mom for not having the sense to tell my girls to go home too. Two adults failed my kids that night. Three if you count me being stupid enough to send my kids over there in the first place expected that adults would make adult decisions (actually, I didn't expect the adults to be there (you usually send the baby sitter home when you get home...). I just wish the consequences of my failure weren't so bad for my dd's. It breaks my heart to see dd with bags under her eyes from lack of sleep and unable to even read a book because she keeps crying. She won't talk to her friends. She just put in her earphones and turns the music up to drown everything out, she skipped half of her classes today.... This is my child who talks to me about everything and she's crawling into her navel...And people can't understand why I might be a little upset here....
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 10-30-2012 at 06:00 PM..
My thoughts go first to the mother that lost her baby. Such tragedy for her to not only suffer the loss of a baby.
As far as your daughters, I think you should first take responsibility for putting them in this situation and apologize that it was them and not you there. They could have been at their sister in laws house for a happy occasion and still have ended up witnessing a miscarriage. However, knowing that a miscarriage was going to happen, it should have been an adult there to take care of the kids and their mom. It doesn't matter whether she miscarried at the hospital or at home, it should have been an adult who was there to help.
Then I'd tell them how I proud I was of them for doing what they could in such a difficult situation and follow it up with a life lesson discussion. I'd use the term baby and not fetus to show compassion for the lost child that they saw. I'd discuss with them all they want/need to know about pregnancy, miscarriage and death. Talk about the stages of grief that they will go through along with the mother and father who lost a baby. Assure them that none of their feelings are wrong, even anger, and that you will indeed help them find their way back to a new normal way of life.
I'd also tell them that perhaps there was a reason they were the ones there. Maybe they really were the right kind of moral support their sister in law was in need of at the time. People are put into your life for a reason, you just don't always know the reason. I'd suggest they take comfort in being the ones there to help instead of being fearful or sad. They will now have a special bond together and with their sister in law that no one else will ever have and it's up to them to make it a good kind bond and not let it be one with bad vibes.
Any death is hard to witness....they need compassion and strength along with the same shown and given to the mother and father whose baby died.
I honestly think this is the way to go. I was a very young adult when I went to visit my sick Uncle and he ended up dying during my short visit to the hospital. I didn't know the right things to do or say but his brother happened to be there and, afterward, when it was just hitting me that I had witnessed a very private moment (death) - his brother praised me for my compassion, strength, and composure.
I swear I have taken that life lesson with me the rest of my days. Death can teach you a lot.
No, it was not ideal that your daughter's witnessed that - but I would be generous with my praise of how they handled the situation; their maturity level; compassion, caring, etc. It will certainly go a long way toward helping them handle their feelings.
They are kids and should not have been put in this position. I trusted ddil and I shouldn't have. I sent my girls over to stay the night so she could go to the hospital, NOT to help her have a miscarriage at home. As a parent, I had the right to know when she decided to come home. I had the right to decide if my kids are old enough to be there for something like this. Given the choice, I whould have told them to come home because this is something the adults should have handled. I wasn't given that choice. Now I have a dd who can't sleep because every time she closes her eyes she sees the dead fetus. And you don't understand my being angry???
Ddil did not have the right to make the decision to subject my kids to this. I understand that what she went through was truaumatic but that does not give her the right to use children to help her through it. Not mine and not hers. I can't stop what she exposes hers to. I should have had a choice in what she exposed mine to. Now all I can do is deal with a child who is now taking medication to help her sleep and who cannot function at school. I guess I should just not worry about that..... Apparently, my kids don't matter according to you...but you know what? They DO matter to me.
No, I don't understand your anger at a woman who lost a nearly full term baby not having the wherewithal to make sure others were not in the room before she dared lose her baby.
In case you missed it the first time, OP. This is really good advice. I'd hate for you to miss it...or intentionally ignore it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn
I highly doubt (and I mean HIGHLY doubt) your DIL's plan was to go home and have her miscarriage there just so your daughters would have to witness it.
Horrible things happen to us. Something horrible happened to your DIL. And it was a horrible thing for your daughters to witness. But there is nothing you can do to change it.
Except let go of your anger towards your DIL. This is not the time for anger and judgement. This is a time for compassion.
Like it or not, your daughters will learn something from this experience. What they learn is up to you. They can learn that they are stronger than they think they are. And they can learn that they have a family that pulls together in time of great sorrow and grief. They can learn they they are surrounded by love no matter what they witness and what they have to go through in life.
Talk to them. Hold them. Let them talk. Ask them if they want to see a counselor. Talk to them some more. Stay silent when they need silence.
Then take them to see her. (Which may be the hardest thing you'll ever do knowing some of your past history with her.) But if you do, and if you can express love and understanding toward her and if your daughters witness you doing that, your family can actually come together and be stronger. Life is hard. Life is tremendously hard. But you have a chance here to ease the pain of a lot of people, including your DIL. Her grief must be huge. Your girls' grief must be huge. Time to pull the mother pants on and be the person who is there for all three of them.
I wish you all well. Most of all I wish you peace.
How old are your girls again? The plan was for them to babysit how many kids overnight?
17 and 14. 5 kids who were all sleeping when they got there. They range in age from 3-12. The plan was for dh and I to come by in the morning. I'm not too worried about them sleeping on the couch while the kids sleep. Now watching them all day would have been another story. Dd#1 isn't a great baby sitter (ddil asked dd#1 to come. It was out decision to send dd#2 as well). Dd#2 was there because I know she will take care of the kids.
If I had to choose one of my girls to baby sit, it would be dd#2. Dd#1 always brings a friend and the friend does all the baby sitting. In many ways, my younger child is my older child. Unfortunately, she's also VERY empathetic. She takes everything to heart. Dd#1 will be ok in short order. I'm starting to really worry about dd#2. We've never had a situation where she would not talk to me before and she's shutting everyone out. Me, her dad, her friends...the counselor at school couldn't get her to talk to her.
I highly doubt (and I mean HIGHLY doubt) your DIL's plan was to go home and have her miscarriage there just so your daughters would have to witness it.
Horrible things happen to us. Something horrible happened to your DIL. And it was a horrible thing for your daughters to witness. But there is nothing you can do to change it.
Except let go of your anger towards your DIL. This is not the time for anger and judgement. This is a time for compassion.
Like it or not, your daughters will learn something from this experience. What they learn is up to you. They can learn that they are stronger than they think they are. And they can learn that they have a family that pulls together in time of great sorrow and grief. They can learn they they are surrounded by love no matter what they witness and what they have to go through in life.
Talk to them. Hold them. Let them talk. Ask them if they want to see a counselor. Talk to them some more. Stay silent when they need silence.
Then take them to see her. (Which may be the hardest thing you'll ever do knowing some of your past history with her.) But if you do, and if you can express love and understanding toward her and if your daughters witness you doing that, your family can actually come together and be stronger. Life is hard. Life is tremendously hard. But you have a chance here to ease the pain of a lot of people, including your DIL. Her grief must be huge. Your girls' grief must be huge. Time to pull the mother pants on and be the person who is there for all three of them.
I wish you all well. Most of all I wish you peace.
The point is she should have sent them home so they didn't. She didn't have to keep them there. Most people send the baby sitter home when they get home. Given the gravity of the situation, I don't get why she kept them there except to have them there if she needed them and that is just wrong given they are kids. At least send dd#2 home. Dd#1 is old enough to make a choice here.
There's no taking them to see her. Ddil has declared that no one is to come by. She doesn't want phone calls, cards or anything. She says she may never get to the point she wants to talk about this. (She posted this on-line to avoid talking to people.)
I WISH I could get dd#2 to talk. For the first time in her life, she isn't talking. Not to me, her dad, her friends or the counselor at school. Today is the first time I ever recall the phone not ringing off the hook for her. Her friends are always calling and they've disappeared. She's not talking. She goes into her room, puts in her headphones, pulls the blanket over her head and cries.
What pisses me off is I should have been called. No one called me to tell me my kids had just been signed up to help her through a miscarriage. I would not have allowed that. Once the decision was made to have the miscarriage at home, the kids should have been sent home. I would have, gladly, gone over and packed up her kids and mine and taken them to my house. No one called.
I didn't see a reason to be at the house with them when I thought she was spending the night in the hospital and there was nothing I could do at the hospital either. I figured being well rested and ready to help them the next day was a good plan. I had no idea my kids were going to play nurse during her miscarriage. In my world, adults don't use kids like that unless there is absolutely no other choice. There were other choices. This is what she chose. That she chose her kids witnessing this (fortunately, only one was awake and we don't think he understood what was going on) is one thing. That's her right as their parent. But it's MY right as my dds' parent to decide if my kids are up to this. I'm angry that choice was made for me. She should have sent my kids home when she came home. Now we have to figure out how to stop dd's nightmares.
FTR, nothing will ever be said to ddil but I have lost all trust in her. She will never be trusted with my kids again.
I'm also pretty ticked off at her mom for not having the sense to tell my girls to go home too. Two adults failed my kids that night. Three if you count me being stupid enough to send my kids over there in the first place expected that adults would make adult decisions (actually, I didn't expect the adults to be there (you usually send the baby sitter home when you get home...). I just wish the consequences of my failure weren't so bad for my dd's. It breaks my heart to see dd with bags under her eyes from lack of sleep and unable to even read a book because she keeps crying. She won't talk to her friends. She just put in her earphones and turns the music up to drown everything out, she skipped half of her classes today.... This is my child who talks to me about everything and she's crawling into her navel...And people can't understand why I might be a little upset here....
I would be upset too. I would also put the fact that my children were hurting and traumatized over the hurt of an adult who went AMA to have a second term miscarriage at home with two teenagers and children in the house without another adult present. You are correct in the fact that two adults failed your girls that night. Good luck to you and your girls.
The point is she should have sent them home so they didn't. She didn't have to keep them there. Most people send the baby sitter home when they get home. Given the gravity of the situation, I don't get why she kept them there except to have them there if she needed them and that is just wrong given they are kids. At least send dd#2 home. Dd#1 is old enough to make a choice here.
There's no taking them to see her. Ddil has declared that no one is to come by. She doesn't want phone calls, cards or anything. She says she may never get to the point she wants to talk about this. (She posted this on-line to avoid talking to people.)
I WISH I could get dd#2 to talk. For the first time in her life, she isn't talking. Not to me, her dad, her friends or the counselor at school. Today is the first time I ever recall the phone not ringing off the hook for her. Her friends are always calling and they've disappeared. She's not talking. She goes into her room, puts in her headphones, pulls the blanket over her head and cries.
How late was it when she got home from the hospital? Do you think she knew that her miscarriage was imminent?
I'd give my DIL the benefit of the doubt. Choosing to be angry at your DIL who just lost her baby, is not going to take away your daughter's sadness. Showing compassion might help.
How late was it when she got home from the hospital? Do you think she knew that her miscarriage was imminent?
I'd give my DIL the benefit of the doubt. Choosing to be angry at your DIL who just lost her baby, is not going to take away your daughter's sadness. Showing compassion might help.
Yeah, I can't even see how one can even FEEL anger towards a woman in the DIL's position.
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