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How old is your child? If she's old enough, let her make that decision. If she isn't, ask the ex what he wants but be prepared for any answer...he may not want to.
(only read the original post. going back over the replies now.)
Oops, I just saw that she's 18 months. Still, I'd ask him what he'd like to do.
Last edited by catscan1969; 03-21-2013 at 01:01 PM..
Reason: oops...
why did your Mom break up with him?
how long were they together?
how apt is she to find another boyfriend?
an 18 month old won't give this guy another thought in a couple days
children don't have much of a memory and are quite adaptable to new situations
I'm sure that you and your Mom are all she needs right now. Maybe just make sure that YOU are the best role model that YOU can be, that's what's important.
There is no reason to keep bringing this guy along and eventually neither side will have much interest in it as he moves onto different things and you and your mother do as well.
What's it going to be in 2-3 years when he's with some other women dragging her along to go visit the grandchild of an ex-girlfriend ..... just doesn't make sense
If your kid was 18 years it could be a different discussion because then having the person be there their entire life would actually mean something as far as time, relationship with the kid, etc.
At 18 months, just move on and keep your life a little more clean .... your kid may cry for a minute, but will move on quickly ..... you should be able to handle it pretty easily with the kid, even if they occasionally ask about him in the future
With your mother going forward, her boyfriends aren't "papi" or any other pet names .... they are her friends and that's it
You see this a lot now with children of divorce getting married and having their own kids .... my brothers father in law is divorced and dating, his mother in law has long been remarried ........... MILs husband goes by some goofy name and that's not a big deal .... FILs GF usually just goes by her name - she's on again/off again for a long time and my brothers kids have grown up with her and with this - they like her and understand that it's grandpas friend who sometimes comes over and hangs out with all of them .... when they get older if it's still just dating around, etc you can have more meaningful context conversations about these friends
At this age though - just move forward ... he most likely won't be the last
I don't think that anyone but the OP really knows if this guy is the type to stick around and have a relationship with this child.
I think back to my mom's boyfriends when I was a teenager. She had one in particular that would have remained in my life had she not sent him packing for reasons unrelated to me. He was around for years, he was an awesome guy, they just didn't work as a couple... and she didn't want him to come around, but I still miss him to this day! I think he would have gladly filled an "uncle" role in my life had she not told him to scram.
There are others who will not really be present though and as parents, you don't know want that kind of person around, the kind who cannot be consistent... but without knowing this guy we really cannot know for sure what type of guy he'd be down the road.
I don't think that anyone but the OP really knows if this guy is the type to stick around and have a relationship with this child.
I think back to my mom's boyfriends when I was a teenager. She had one in particular that would have remained in my life had she not sent him packing for reasons unrelated to me. He was around for years, he was an awesome guy, they just didn't work as a couple... and she didn't want him to come around, but I still miss him to this day! I think he would have gladly filled an "uncle" role in my life had she not told him to scram.
There are others who will not really be present though and as parents, you don't know want that kind of person around, the kind who cannot be consistent... but without knowing this guy we really cannot know for sure what type of guy he'd be down the road.
Yeah, but for an 18 month old? Ehhh. I see your point, but the age of the child and, again, 18 months.. why cause a strained relationship with your mother over it? I'd take it as a lesson learned, for both the OP and her mother.
Yeah, but for an 18 month old? Ehhh. I see your point, but the age of the child and, again, 18 months.. why cause a strained relationship with your mother over it? I'd take it as a lesson learned, for both the OP and her mother.
Well if I were this child's mother I'd look at how often this man saw the child, how regularly, and what sort of attachment had been formed up to this point.
Those are the biggest factors. Children can certainly form attachments to multiple people at this age and I would hesitate to disrupt that if there was a bond between the two and no huge reason to keep them separated. I would hope that my mother, as the child's grandmother, would be able to put aside her adult stuff to want what was best for her grandchild. Again, assuming no abuse/drugs/maltreatment, etc.
I feel sorry for the ex boyfriend. He not only lost his love but two other people he was close to as well. That seems harsh. I see no reason why the op and her child shouldn't keep in touch with him as long as they want to keep in touch. If it fades away it fades away. I say give the guy a break. Maybe some day the mother and the ex can become friends as well. I found out recently that our tenants whom I thought were married are actually divorced and just living together. They decided that they just couldn't stand not being with the kids every day so they started living together after the divorce. I don't think the mother should expect her daughter to end a relationship just because the mother doesn't want him in her life any more. It's now just between the daughter and the ex boyfriend.
lots of opposite views here. Mine is that you are not doing your daughter a service by having men in her life who are not permanent. This relationship with her grandmother's friend was pleasant but it is over and he will move on and you and your daughter should as well. To keep him in her life will only delay the inevitable hurt she will feel when it becomes apparent he is not permanent. What happens with the next boyfriend? or your next boyfriend?
I think women make the mistake of bring too many men who are not going to stay into the lives of their children .
This is my view also. Father Figures on Parade are not a great way to raise your daughter to expect good and lasting relationships with the opposite sex.
Giving him a grandfather like nick name muddles things further. When your mom meets a new man, introduce him as grandma's friend - and nothing more.
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