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If your wife doesn't want to go again, it's pointless to insist she go. She tried to denigrate all the good that came from the single session as soon as it was over. She told your son it was stupid.
Go with your son alone. I think you'll be amazed at how much that alone will help. That will send a very strong message to him. Your son, in saying the session didn't bother him, is growing up. He seems to be "on" to your wife's manipulations. You cannot make your wife change until she wants to do so. Your son seems to be open to change and seems to be looking to you for help. Keep at it with him alone. It will be her loss.
I also have to say that I wondered if you were a troll. It's outrageous to me that your wife is demanding an apology and gifts. I cannot imagine that kind of blackmail with my spouse.
It's appropriate that this thread is in the parenting forum. Your wife is acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum and demanding what she wants. That is not adult behavior or the behavior of a partner. I hate to say it, but you are in this alone until your wife is ready to address all of the issues. She may never be ready. She has absolutely no incentive to change right now. Why should she? She gets everything she wants with very little effort on her part. Are you willing to accept her treatment of you for the rest of your life? Sometimes one has to risk it all to make it better. Stop giving her gifts. Stop apologizing for doing what you think is right. If she doesn't like something say "I'm sorry you feel that way" not "I'm sorry." There is a difference.
In a previous post you indicated your son sees the problems between you and your wife; he was worried you would divorce. Perhaps "that" is what HE needs to say at the next session. Let your wife hear from him how he views the marriage.
Today, she asked me when I was giving her the apology gift. I said I didn’t feel right giving her one because I felt like I was buying her affection. She rolled her eyes and I rolled my eyes back at her. Her: “ Did you just roll your eyes at me? You are so childish?” She proceeded to lock herself in our room. When I tried to sit next to her on the couch and she told me to leave. I just sat there and she walked away and told me I was arrogant and self centered.
It will take time, but if you stand strong, her behavior will begin to change.
You need to ignore, not roll your eyes back. You need to act with respect toward her, but not give in to demands for *things.* This is an ingrained habit with her and you have been enabling it for a long time. Do not expect things to change quickly and do expect that things will get worse before they get better.
1. Really listen to her and reflect back her feelings so that she knows you heard exactly what she was saying.
2. Be honest, but kind.
3. Make eye contact.
4. Try to rekindle the romance. What did you like to do when you first met or when you first married? Can you recreate some of that?
5. Always greet her when you walk into the room
6. Keep your word. Do what you tell her you will do.
7. Engage her and make decisions with her rather than allowing her to make them alone or making them yourself.
8. Don't interrupt when she is speaking. Wait for her to finish and then add your comments.
9. Call and let her know if you are going to be late or if you want to have friends over.
10. Tell her when she is right. Tell her what you appreciate about her.
These are very good ways to show a spouse love and respect, although I would have a hard time trying to "rekindle the romance" with someone who constantly rolled their eyes at me and demanded "apology gifts," i.e., blackmail.
I would do all the things nana suggested, OP, but ONLY because it is the right thing to do and the right behavior to model for your son.
I would NOT do these things with ANY thought that they will magicially elicit a favorable reaction from your wife.
Treat her the way you would want to be treated, and do not allow her to walk all over you anymore.
I wanted to try Nana’s suggestions ASAP and put them to use. I don’t know why she is acting like she is though. I’m telling her what I like about her, eye contact, etc. The problem is that she thinks I’m sucking up to her. He was at his girlfriend’s house so it was me and her. I just threw out some compliments over dinner. She was kind of taking it weirdly “ Why are you acting like such a gentleman? Are you Compliment Man all of a sudden? What do you want? I just told her I was simply a husband giving his wife some compliments. She’s suspicious and told me “ No one likes a suck up”. I explained that I was trying to be nice * eye roll by her*. “Well you’re sucking up and I want to know why”, I told her I had no agenda and added a little humor, “ Sweetie, I read in this book that from time to time, married couples tell each other they love each other.”
I changed topics to our first couple of years dating. She responded with “ I was very young and stupid and made many bad choices”. She then attacked my weight,” You’ve put on a few pounds, better cut back on the wings. You look a little softer ”. I married the one woman who hates compliments. It was her night to do dishes, I pointed this out to her and she gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that I should do it because I’m a gentleman and gentlemen pamper wives. I offered to do half but she wouldn’t budge. She took her plate to the sink , called me lazy, and left the room. I ended up leaving a text for my son asking him to do it. He completely understood and was cool about it.
People fall out of love all the time. People change. It may not have anything to do with what you did or didn't do. Feelings we have at 14 years old are probably not going to be the same as when we are in our 30s.
To me, this is key. Is the love still there? If not, can it be restored (without your buying it)? These are questions only your wife can answer.
I wanted to try Nana’s suggestions ASAP and put them to use. I don’t know why she is acting like she is though. I’m telling her what I like about her, eye contact, etc. The problem is that she thinks I’m sucking up to her. He was at his girlfriend’s house so it was me and her. I just threw out some compliments over dinner. She was kind of taking it weirdly “ Why are you acting like such a gentleman? Are you Compliment Man all of a sudden? What do you want? I just told her I was simply a husband giving his wife some compliments. She’s suspicious and told me “ No one likes a suck up”. I explained that I was trying to be nice * eye roll by her*. “Well you’re sucking up and I want to know why”, I told her I had no agenda and added a little humor, “ Sweetie, I read in this book that from time to time, married couples tell each other they love each other.”
I changed topics to our first couple of years dating. She responded with “ I was very young and stupid and made many bad choices”. She then attacked my weight,” You’ve put on a few pounds, better cut back on the wings. You look a little softer ”. I married the one woman who hates compliments. It was her night to do dishes, I pointed this out to her and she gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that I should do it because I’m a gentleman and gentlemen pamper wives. I offered to do half but she wouldn’t budge. She took her plate to the sink , called me lazy, and left the room. I ended up leaving a text for my son asking him to do it. He completely understood and was cool about it.
The bolded line concerns me. What exactly did your son understand? That his mother refused to do the dishes, and his father wouldn't do them either? Why involve him in such a silly passive-aggressive spat?
I agree with those that see little hope for this marriage. You may love your wife, but she doesn't seem to love you, or even like you much.
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