New Parent (Need Advice) (Long Post) (step-dad, babies, accident, son)

[Hopes]

The problems are much bigger than messiness. Aside from not being compatible, she is taking advantage of you. You have one hell of an impossible uphill battle ahead of you if that new baby is truly yours. You need to seriously reconsider living with this woman.

[reebo]

Move out. It's not fair to the kid.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

You are new to C-D, you will find many very knowledgeable people here, but be prepared that they may be pretty honest (sometimes, blunt) with their advice. Most of the advice is great and be prepared to really consider what people are saying.

Here it comes:

OP: You aren't a parent. You won't be a parent until your child is born. Right now you are a guy who lives with his girlfriend and her parents. A pregnant girlfriend. That girlfriend has a little kid who has to cope with the fact that there's a guy who is in Mom's bed who wasn't there a few months ago.

I'm worried about that little kid. He's an innocent. Not one word about you loving him or saying, "He's the greatest little kid in the world". Just that he does totally normal kid things that upset you and that messes make you "depressed". Really? Depressed. You are in for a heck of a shock when you find out what diapers are for.

[kitkatbar]

Originally Posted by Ka7mayne

We have only been dating for maybe 2 months, and I more or less moved right in to try and help her and ended up getting her pregnant... My fault yeah, but we really had a lot we needed to talk about and figure out before any of this happened.

So, my first thought (and I apologize, because it's blunt) is: are you sure you really want this relationship to work out? I ask that because you have crammed 5 people and soon, a baby, into an apartment, no one agrees on the same rules, and your GF of two month's response to being asked to put her clothes in the hamper (which really, is pretty simple, not as if you asked her to line the forks up a certain way or something super anal) is that she does things the way she does them.

This is not a good sign.

I think on some things, you're being a little too picky (like the feet on the couch thing), but on others, you have very real concerns. A 5-year-old who only eats one thing and has the adults trained to run out to McDonalds and get it for him is going to be a nightmare from here going forward unless he has firm rules and two parents who agree on the same thing. If her response is that she's going to do things like she wants... it doesn't sound like she's very open to compromise.

I would sit down for a serious talk, and if that doesn't work, I would start looking for a different place to live. You can still be a father to your unborn child even if you two are not together.

[Katarina Witt]

Part of the problem of people living together is agreeing on some sort of "house rules". You have a very complicated living situation, OP. It's hard enough to come to an agreement with just two adults in a home, let alone four.

I'd recommend you and the GF move into your own place. Then the two of you can negotiate some rules. You will have to learn to tolerate some mess, while she will have to learn to do a few things just because it's what you want. IMO, it's not right to say, "If it bothers you, clean it up". For one thing (and I know this from experience) the other person may not want you moving her stuff around, putting it away, etc.

To the others on this thread, while the OP isn't the boy's father, he is the unofficial step-parent, and it sounds like what he means is that parenting/child care is new to him. That's my interpretation, anyway.

[beera]

I would just tell her being clean is important to YOU and if she loves you she'll make an effort, that's all it boils down to. Buy more hampers, one in each room, your room, the kids room, etc. REWARD the kid with PRAISE anytime he puts his clothes in the hamper. THANK your girlfriend for putting her clothes in the hamper as well.

Also, you are about to become a father right now right? Why not sign up for the two of you to go to a parenting class, they are great, you can learn about the baby, about how to help the older child adjust to the new baby, and get some discipline training as well. Then it will be about the TWO of you, not just her and her son, understand?

If your gf is going to feel attacked and threatened (that's what it boils down to) she won't be receptive, but if you twist it in such a way that 1- you love her and keeping things tidy will make you feel loved and happy as well, and 2- that you want to be 100% apart of the family so want the two of you to work together to raise both the kids.

BTW a kid won't die if he misses a meal or two, when he's hungry enough, he'll eat other things.

[Azile]

If you only started dating for 2 months before she got pregnant, you are not required to move in. Date for a while. Get to know her. You have more invested in to this relationship because of a child you both will be sharing, but you don't want to rush in to something without figuring out what you can handle. This is fast for her too and being pregnant, hormones are going to be raging, especially in the first trimester. Telling her something she doesn't want to hear is only going to blow up in your face. So, don't live with her, but be there every day. Sleep in your home on the weekdays, but hers on the weekends. Then switch and add more days as you are feeling more comfortable. You obviously need space and less clutter. She's used to clutter. Asking a pregnant woman you just met to change is futile. Don't even think of changing her son, She's become big mama bear if you get in the way of her family's routine. As she gets used to having you around, she may be more willing to change some of her ways for you. Heck, I was a mess. My now DH was a neat freak...well, definitely much tidier than me. We did Just what I suggested to you. He stayed over a few nights and stay at his place a few nights as well. We got used to each other's company and eventually I became more willing to change my ways for him and would clean up. I'm not perfect...but now, he's a little messier, but I'm A LOT tidier than I was. I clean up after myself. I put things away a lot faster than I used to. I do laundry as soon as the basket is full enough to fill the machine instead of waiting for it to over flow and then I'm stuck indoors doing laundry and nothing else. Some rooms remain tidy as part of an agreement, while other rooms are allowed to get messy (clean-up when the mess starts to get inconvenient for us). This works for us and has made living together and marriage easier. It's a process. This may be what you need to try with her. Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you are already married. You just have more reason not to give up on her faults. She also has to get used to your faults and quirkiness. Everyone has them. Hopefully the quirks and funny habits between you will be compatible and you both will learn to love each other despite them.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

IMHO, your girlfriend is being unreasonable. Getting by on 2-3 hours of sleep may literally be a KILLER. Please explain that to her in a way that she can understand (ie. convert the hours to her schedule). "Honey, imagine if every single day YOU only get to sleep from 4 AM to 6AM and the rest of the time you are working or providing child care? " A lot of people ready don't understand working third shift. They sort of imagine that if they are sleeping everyone is sleeping, too.

Who took the five year old to school before you moved in two months ago? Who cared for him in the afternoon? You need to sleep, perhaps he needs to go back to his old school & child care schedule. If she has trouble affording child care she should be insisting that the biological father is up to date on his child support.

Sadly, I have seen many situations where once a new boyfriend enters a mother's life she stops trying to get child support from the biological father and just assumes that the new boyfriend will pay for everything. Maybe this is not true in your situation, but I have seen it happen often.

His biological father has responsibility for his son until he turns 18, just like you will have responsibility for your new child until he/she turns 18. The Mom needs to get the courts involved if necessary. Keep in mind that just because Dad may be unemployed or a dead beat Dad right now, his situation may change. Five or ten years from now he may have a great job and be able to pay back all of the child support that he missed earlier in the child's life.

Originally Posted by Ka7mayne

I've brought it up to her, because you see my mother passed away in May and it had a lot to do with her working 3rd shift and only sleeping 2-3 hours a day. She took medicine (ephedrine) to give her energy to work, and in May she had a heart attack and died a few weeks later.

When I brought this up to her, she just says how she has done it all these years and she is fine... Which my response is usually well you are his mother and sometimes you have to do these things.

However if I don't sleep, I can't function at work and I could lose my job because of it so I end up taking the same medicine my mother did to keep me going.

Originally Posted by germaine2626

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

I really hate to say this, but if your GF is not understanding about your situation (not getting enough sleep and being forced to take drugs) especially after it caused your mother's death, she does not sound like a very nice person. In fact, she sounds like someone who really doesn't care if you live or die as long as she has free child care. Seriously, think about it. Your mother actually died and she is telling you to do the same thing? Perhaps, you should rethink living together until she starts to care about you and your health.

When my husband worked third shift he saw many people in similar situations, taking drugs to stay awake or being sleepy on the job. I can't tell you have many times he came home and said "So and so was fired because they fell asleep again at work." Luckily, his job wasn't something where being sleepy was dangerous (he was a night watchman). But, a job where you needed to make life and death decisions or could involve your safety (nurse, police officer, truck driver, factory worker, etc,) you need to be alert at all times.

Am I the only reader who is concerned about the OP only getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day? And then taking dangerous drugs to keep him awake at work? Especially after that is what killed his mother just a few months ago.

Frankly, I especially concerned that his GF actually ridiculed him when he expressed his concern about not getting enough sleep. That doesn't seem like love to me. If he only gets 2 to 3 hours a night now, what will happen after the baby is born? Will the GF let him sleep at all????

Dear Original Poster, Are you really, really sure about this relationship? Are you regretting moving in together so quickly? Are you regretting being the fifth person in a small apartment? What would you do if your GF wasn't pregnant? Remember you can still be a good father and not live with the mother. It is OK to realize that you made a mistake in living together (esp. with her parents) so soon and move out again. Just a few things to think about.

[tinytrump]

at 25--- work onthe important thing- first my daughter in law was a piggy- but as she matured an got her own place she is better - and makes her kids keep it clean...I cleaned the place every time I went there... think the would be ashamed? NO... anyhow you either live with it or don't.. you could set an example and reward the boy when he helps clean up or follows your lead... all you can do --or bail you moved in with them

[beera]

I missed that, but OP why aren't you sleeping enough? Sounds to me like you are allowing yourself to be pushed over and used as a doormat if you can't even get enough sleep. Maybe you need to move out and be separate until she learns how good you are for her.