My Toddler's First Day of Soccer - THE HORROR (support, children, three year old)
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Developmentally...at 3 if he is not fully able to communicate, then he will indeed act out physically when placed in situations that overwhelm him. Until he is able to verbally state and acknowledge what is going on this is most likely how he will react each practice. It simply is just where he is right now.
I would suggest spending more time on helping him learn to communicate effectively and positively than on soccer right now. Then when he goes again he will be better prepared for how to act/react. His getting into shoving matches is not an acceptable way to handle himself and is not what I would call appropriate aggression for sports.
In my experience with young children, most coaches and parents prefer that a parent step in and intervene when their child gets physical instead of ignoring it during practices, especially the early ones. Not so much during games. Around here there are multiple dads/moms on the fields with the kids during the first practices and even some during the first game or two. It tapers off as the kids get a better understanding of what to do. Many coaches want to coach, not police behavior. It's a fine line for coaches too in regards to disciplining a young child and all too often parents get angry at coaches when they do.
After some progress in communication and a couple more experiences at practices you can better decide if he is just not ready yet. He doesn't have to know that he is being pulled out, just that soccer is over for now and will be back later.
Sometimes a little more time will work wonders.
When my son was in his second season of 5/6 baseball another child was on his team who was most definitely not ready to be in group sports. This child behaved much as you described your son behaving, except it got much much worse. He climbed the fence in the dugout, he ran all over the outfield, he threw water on his teammates, he yelled at the coaches, he threw his bat whenever he got angry. His mom sat away from the field and never once said anything to him much less step in over his bad behavior. During one game he refused to come off the field. When the coach went out to him, he ran from the coach who then had to physically pick him up and got spit in the face by the boy. I don't know how the coach didn't tell her to take him and not bring him back, but he kept his cool.
Thankfully none of the other boys behaved that badly and all the other parents stepped in when their own child seemed to be going a little too far. Sadly, this one child's behavior caused several other boys/families to not even try baseball again after that season.
He got kicked out of swim lessons at 3 1/2 because he refused to follow directions.
At 4 we tried soccer, because he'd been begging to play for 2 years while he watched big sister. It went about as well as you described, plus we had added big tantrums over having to wear sunscreen. I bribed him with snacks.
At 5 we tried baseball. That lasted one month of hellacious (for me) practices and then my son absolutely refused to go out on the field again. Laying on the ground, holding onto the bench, toes braced into the ground, I-AM-NOT-GONNA-GO kind of refusal. So we quit.
The only thing that got some compliance was public timeouts. If he hit another kid, I'd pick him up off the practice field carry him to the edge, and sit him down for X number of minutes - in front of all his teammates. Hurt his pride - which is one reason why I think he quit baseball so dramatically.
I've come to understand that my son was just not ready for team sports, or pretty much anything that required following directions. He's very much a free spirit.
We tried swim lessons again at 5, and he's actually cooperating! He liked gymnastics for a time, and then he got tired of having to do the activities in the order the teacher wanted instead of his own order, so he didn't want to renew the next semester. He loves riding his bike or playing ball or soccer with us and his siblings.
He's getting exercise, he's getting exposed to a variety of sports, and I've left it up to him to decide when he wants to do something more formal..
He's talking about basketball. I can't see that going well, but we'll try. And then we'll try again next year if he thinks he is ready to learn.
This isn't a sport story but I think there are some parallels...when my son was three a local private school was offering a morning school type program for 3 yr olds...well being my first born I wanted my son to get a leg up and enrolled him in it...from day one I was called in by the teacher over issues "John" was having...the teacher felt he was "testing" her...and trying to monopolize all her time...by the third day the principal of the school called me and told me that this class wasn't a "good fit" for "John"...I can not tell you the tears and stress I experienced over whether or not I had a problem child...long story short a year later he attended EC-4 at a different school and was the model student and continued to be so through his entire school life...I really think "John" was not ready at 3 for this situation...this may be the case with your son...I would give soccer a few more tries and if the situation doesn't improve I'd take him out and not make a big deal of it...
I guess in the end it wasn't the not following instructions that bothered me, it was his aggression. I am an aggressive person and was always big into sports, as was my Dad, his Dad, etc. so I don't know why I would expect any differently. It's like most everyone here is saying, I need to give it several more classes and get him used to that environment. Going to work with him on following instructions this week with some "Simon Says" type games, as well as with the soccer ball in the yard.
That seems like a very reasonable course of action. Repetition is the mother of learning.
In addition to Simon Says and the like, some good age-appropriate board games may be an excellent indoor structured activity (e.g. Hi-Ho Cherry-o, Viva Topo!, Loopin' Louie).
I would agree with this, I do need to not worry about what others think, but being my first experience like that and having to make the "walk of shame" out to the group of kids repeatedly, just human nature to be a little self-conscious about it.
Other kids were definitely kind of running around aimlessly, but most were following instructions.
I guess in the end it wasn't the not following instructions that bothered me, it was his aggression. I am an aggressive person and was always big into sports, as was my Dad, his Dad, etc. so I don't know why I would expect any differently. It's like most everyone here is saying, I need to give it several more classes and get him used to that environment. Going to work with him on following instructions this week with some "Simon Says" type games, as well as with the soccer ball in the yard.
I understand why you were embarassed at the time, but he is only 3.5, so not a big deal. The real issue was that there were so many kids for one instructor. When my boys first played soccer at age four, there was a head coach and 1 assistant, sometimes 2 (all dads) for a group of about 10 kids. The boys were constantly moving and being redirected, it is common that they lose interest quick. I think the real problem was the situation. Was this through the local parks department? That was where my boys started and developed their love of soccer.
Where my boys play now there is a program for really little kids. There are a couple instructors and parents are encouraged to join in to "play" with their kids. Little obstacle courses for the kids to dribble through with parents helping the kids do what the instructor says. i would recommend giving him another chance, but if it doesn't work out look around for a different program that has either fewer kids or more parental involvement. Soccer needs to be FUN at this age, basically running around and kicking a ball. If smiles, laughter, and a little goofing off isn't involved, it isn't the right program.
Yesterday was my 3.5 year old son's first day of "soccer." I put that in quotes because at that age it's isn't really a sport, but more of an excuse to get out and exercise, play with kids, learn instructions, etc. All the good stuff that supposedly comes with team sports.
I was horrified at my son's behavior during this 45 minute session. It was blazing hot (we're in FL) and the sun was beating down onto the field and one of the 3 coaches didn't show up, so what should have been 3 groups of 10 turned into 2 groups of almost 20 (some of the other groups also came and joined as well). Just far too many kids for anyone to really be able to corral. Not an excuse but certainly didn't help matters.
Everything started off fine, they started by kind of running around in circles. My son followed, no problems. Then they handed out the soccer balls and this is where he went haywire. One kid kind of shoved him, "Pete"as we'll call him shoved back. These two went back and forth for a solid 20 seconds of shoving and yelling until I had to walk out there in front of all the parents and ask him to place nice, "No hitting please or else we'll go home!" Calmed him down for a few minutes.
After that it was chaos. Most of the other kids, aged roughly 3, seemed to be following instructions somewhat well. My kid would run off on his own frequently, when he came back it was shoving match after shoving match. I must have had to walk out and remove him from the situation at least 3 times. At one point he literally ran 200 yards away from everyone to a shed in the corner of the fields. When I reached him he said he had to go "pee pee."
I guess I expected more. My son is very playful and has had some minor hitting/pushing issues....nothing like yesterday though. If my kid had been one of the well-behaved ones and I saw "Pete" doing that to other kids, I'd surely have wondered who the hell his parent was and what they were doing at home. I feel like we definitely show ample affection and discipline with him but maybe we're missing something. "Pete" is an only child but he does go to preschool twice a week half days, the other days he's with an au pair, which frequently involves activities with other children.
I'm probably overreacting to this but wondering if other parents have experienced this behavior and what they did to help improve it.
Welcome to parenting. There is no manual, you will be judged constantly and you will always question your actions. Right up until the day you die.
For me, and maybe for you:
I don't like to compete with other people. I know, we in America are all fascinated with sports - and I like sports, too - but I strongly feel that the only person we should compete with is ourselves. That puts me out of sync with most other people, who feel that beating someone else is the same as winning. Dichotomous thinking - us against them - causes huge amounts of unhappiness, misplaced priorities, and a feeling of success that too often proves temporary or inappropriate.
Your son is learning aggressive, dominant behavior. It's common. But I don't think it's a good thing. A good thing is when your son understands the skills involved in soccer and practices those skills until he has mastered them. Whether it is soccer, baseball, music, tennis, archery...whatever. I think it is very important that every young person have something at which he excels. Let him choose it, I say.
But don't throw him out there among those "we must win at all costs" coaches who know nothing better than to quote Vince Lombardi and live their lives through the win/loss record of their team. I have grandchildren now. But my attitude with the kids was to place a great number of things at their feet and see what they "picked up". Then I encouraged them to perfect the skills associated with whatever it is that held their natural interest.
The organization that ran this soccer club actually sent out an apology the very evening of this practice realizing they were far understaffed. I think having more adults really engaging with him would certainly have helped matters. He has had swimming lessons already and has taken quite well to those, it was a one-on-one setting with a private instructor and no problems at all there. No issues either with our preschool.
But don't throw him out there among those "we must win at all costs" coaches who know nothing better than to quote Vince Lombardi and live their lives through the win/loss record of their team. I have grandchildren now. But my attitude with the kids was to place a great number of things at their feet and see what they "picked up". Then I encouraged them to perfect the skills associated with whatever it is that held their natural interest.
Oh no, not at all. This wasn't anything like that. There was not one ounce of competition in this "practice" for these toddlers. I think that was all on me and my reaction to my kid and everyone else's kids.
I stumbled upon this thread mostly because the title was amusing. Like when you say "THE HORROR," I imagine you curled up in a ball in a dark corner with the shades drawn.
And I think that's the funny part. I'm not a parent, but I know that there's one group of parents who would be all confrontational like "you judgin' my kid?? YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME??" and there's another group like you who are over-self conscious like "I can't believe he shoved that kid! I'm ashamed!" And then there's probably a group of parents who have three kids who are just watching everyone else shove their kids and sipping coffee like "ahhh, I got out of the house!" Ha ha ha!
I run into that when I play with friends' kids. Like some, if you bump their heads, will go nuts like "his head!!! If he's not a Nobel Prize winner, it's your fault now!!" And then the ones who have a few kids are like "yeah, he bumps his head on things all the time, just leave him there and he'll get over it." Point is it's hilarious to see the different personalities of parents and how they interact with their own kids.
But I agree, I see kids in a store pulling down shelves of stuff and their harried parents trying to catch them and I'm like "eh, what horrible parents." Yeah, it could be a "bad day," but it could also be a normal day and the kid's a brat. I figure if it was just one bad day the parent wouldn't be going bonkers or looking so run down, so I have no problem judging them. It's good to care about how your kid acts, don't be like the parents who are proud that their kid is beating up another kid.
Maybe I'm the only one but three and a half seems awfully young for teams sports. I raised three boys all with varying levels of interest in sports. The two older guys started LL baseball at about 7 and soccer the next year. The baby, born 9 years after the oldest , hated being on the sidelines and watching his big bros so we got him on an 8 under hockey team when he was 4 1/2 as that was the only sport that took kids that young.
The prospect of having 20 or 30 three year old's at a soccer practice seems to me like that of herding cats.
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, hated being on the sidelines and watching his big bros so we got him on an 8 under hockey team when he was 4 1/2 as that was the only sport that took kids that young.
