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Why do we all need to support something that we don't believe in? Who are we being pressued by? The media? The 2.5% of homosexuals in the country? If you don't want to support it, you don't have to. You don't owe anyone an explanation or apology.
The issue is OP is only meeting his daughter one on one, and deliberately not being seen with her around their mutual friends/neighbors, etc because he is embarrassed by her/by being associated with anyone gay. OP, you say your daughter doesn't know how you feel, but by your actions she will even if you don't say it. I totally agree with "fake it till you make it". Take her to the next barbeque and sit through the discomfort. Acknowledge to yourself you feel weird and uncomfortable and that it's okay, and then just let it go. There is no way around it, only through it.
OP loves his daughter and does want to support her, that's why he started the thread. He never said anything about not wanting to support but feeling pressure to.
A) You are perfectly normal for having these feeling
B) She is what she is and that is not going to change.
Therefore...
C) If you love her, battle your feelings and be proud of her.
But again, no offense to you. These things are complicated for everyone involved. Perhaps if enough people learn to accept now, there will come a day when no one in the future will feel embarrassed by these things.
Speaking as someone that has a grandson that is gay. If you just remember, that being Gay is not a choice. A persons's body and brain tell them who they are attracted to. My grandson says the idea of being sexual with a woman, is distasteful to him, as your being with a man sexually would be to you. He says that it actually makes him nauseous to even think about it. He wears a suit to work, and dresses as any other man does other times. He lives with his lover. Being around people he shows no homosexual tendencies. They don't flaunt they are gay, but don't hide it. He says that he turns gay, when they are in the privacy of their own home. You can take him anywhere, and he does not stand out as a homosexual. If someone asks if he is married or has a girl friend he just says, "Not at this time, but that may change any day now" and that is all that is said by either party. I am never ashamed to be out and around people or at a party with him. If a young woman hits on him, he just says, "I am sorry, but I really am not available at this time but if I was you are exactly the type of good looking woman I would be interested in knowing better". He is telling them the truth, but not the whole truth. He does not hide being gay, but does not flaunt it on the other hand.
You may find as I have with my grandson, you can go around friends with your daughter, and no need to feel ashamed. The daughter does not want to embarrass you, any more than my grandson would want to embarrass me.
There are plenty of parents who are totally supportive (I am one) but fear for our kids because there are plenty of people out there who are not. PFLAG (for the OP) is a good start.
Friends of a friend have a gay son, and have been active in PFLAG for years. Sounds like a good organization to me:
Speaking as someone that has a grandson that is gay. If you just remember, that being Gay is not a choice. A persons's body and brain tell them who they are attracted to. My grandson says the idea of being sexual with a woman, is distasteful to him, as your being with a man sexually would be to you. He says that it actually makes him nauseous to even think about it. He wears a suit to work, and dresses as any other man does other times. He lives with his lover. Being around people he shows no homosexual tendencies. They don't flaunt they are gay, but don't hide it. He says that he turns gay, when they are in the privacy of their own home. You can take him anywhere, and he does not stand out as a homosexual. If someone asks if he is married or has a girl friend he just says, "Not at this time, but that may change any day now" and that is all that is said by either party. I am never ashamed to be out and around people or at a party with him. If a young woman hits on him, he just says, "I am sorry, but I really am not available at this time but if I was you are exactly the type of good looking woman I would be interested in knowing better". He is telling them the truth, but not the whole truth. He does not hide being gay, but does not flaunt it on the other hand.
You may find as I have with my grandson, you can go around friends with your daughter, and no need to feel ashamed. The daughter does not want to embarrass you, any more than my grandson would want to embarrass me.
old trader, I loved this post. It is so like what I have said in the past.
My daughter is a very feminine looking middle aged woman, who dresses pretty conservatively, has short curly hair and is personally very engaging. I have not seen her or her partner in a dress for 20 yrs now but, they both are well dressed and groomed. They have been in, or are in, professional careers. Most everyone knows they are gay but it isn't flaunted. That is their nature and upbringing.
Having said that, I am always cautious about saying what I have in the above paragraph because some gay people can be very "butch" or gay males can be very feminine, all flavors of human beings. But, it is still your child, no matter how they act or dress and, it can take some getting used to because of unflattering stereotypes and the biases that people have toward homosexuality.
I am not sure if I am saying what I mean very clearly but I understand what you are saying....lol
OP, you say your daughter doesn't know how you feel, but by your actions she will even if you don't say it..
OP here again.....As it said in needlepoint in the Warden's office when he realizes that Andy escaped in The Shawshank Redemption: "His judgement cometh and that right soon..."
I know that day is coming. Christmas is coming up. If I go to gatherings and reunions with friends without her, it'll be obvious. I need to do it, I know.
What might be even more comfortable than the conservative old fogies are the young liberal friends (and children of friends). "What do think of THAT, huh?" Betcha didn't think THAT when she was in high school!" Very friendly, but will say ANYTHING (and love watching me squirm just for the thrill-----easily done btw). They'll say it with her there too. Not sure how I feel about all of it.
I know a lot of parents would be embarrassed if their kids dated someone of a different race, or religion, etc.
To those parents who are embarrassed of their kids for who they are and whom they decide to date - i say f'them. the world doesn't revolve around you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpl1228
Still sorting through it. Love her, she's 22. Basically raised her since kindergarten. But I have not told anyone about her status and it isn't because it's a private issue, It's because I'm actually embarrassed to tell my friends. Always very feminine and traditionally very pretty and "passed" as straight through high school, and till the last year or so when she went full-on butch.
The thing that I'm most embarrassed about is not her, it's me and my embarrassment over it. Her mother and I are on the other side of the country from her (because of work) and it is easy to handle now.
I always talked a good game, supported gay rights for years, etc. But I think my worst nightmare would be to have her walk in and see all my friends after years and then I'd be .......uncomfortable, I guess.
Very confusing time for me. Always suspected it, not a shock. But I'm not announcing it either. She also has no idea I feel these things. My wife is much much better at this than me and i think she'd handle it as business as usual. I'd be sweating thru it.
I love her and want her to be happy. We talk a bit and we are fine as the relationship between all parties is. I'm just a bit ashamed over my "hiding" of this, and certainly me consciously planning to meet her "alone for dinner" as a visit instead of going to my friends parties and cookouts with her, or meeting the crowd at the local watering hole........ anyone else gone through this?
It isn't about my friends I know "if they were REALLY your friends.....etc etc" (they'd probably be cool with it actually). My parents are both passed away but after an hour or two with her, they'd have been fine with it (but might have felt the same apprehension regarding public acknolwedgement).
It really is "what will the neighbors say?" That's what shocks me about my thoughts about all this. That and she's an adult and I'm handling this like she's thirteen and got a nose ring and we're due at Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives in an hour.
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