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Its competition because it's all about YOU and your "performance" in comparison to these other women.
Fix your mindset. I could "only" breastfeed my twins for 8 months, but I decided to look at it as an accomplishment. You could do that too, if you STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER MOMS.
I dont find it as a competition, but more of a personal achievement that I aimed at for myself. Say, if no other moms existed on the face of the planet and I was the only one existing (reminds me of the twilight zone where everyone disappeared), I would STILL be upset that I didnt get to breastfeed my son for as long as I could have.
Its similar to the feeling where I hoped to ace a test in middle school and got a B instead. I know a lot of moms who view it as an accomplishment regardless of how many months they breastfed for, and there is NOTHING WRONG with that mindset. It is something personal to me though, possibly because I set high expectations for myself. It only made it worse because I know I could've continued breastfeeding I just didnt put in enough time to establish the milk supply, therefore my milk dried up. Seeing other moms breastfeed just makes me think "I wish I could still do that." Feeling bad because you cant do something for your kid, especially when you are physically and medically capable (and the health benefits to them) just brings on the guilt, and has NOTHING to do with competition.
I am not dissing formula, my son was on it since 2 months old and he's still here, it all comes down to my own personal matters and not being able to provide my kid the best, although I was capable with doing that.
I dont "know" those moms, heck, I dont even know their names, needless to say their babies. How can it be competition if I dont know them personally? They dont know what I do on a daily basis and vice versa. When I see random pics of breastfeeding mom's, I just get wishful thinking that I could be like them. Its more of an inspirational feeling and feeling sad for myself at the same time.
I still keep my stance that I am not competitive, simply because I know myself best and no one else can make the call for me. I dont see any problem of feeling bad about not being able to give your kid the best. I dont compete with anyone in particular on a daily basis. I was just feeling a bit sad about the breastfeeding issue and the photo shoot which is stupid thinking back.
I dont find it as a competition, but more of a personal achievement that I aimed at for myself. Say, if no other moms existed on the face of the planet and I was the only one existing (reminds me of the twilight zone where everyone disappeared), I would STILL be upset that I didnt get to breastfeed my son for as long as I could have.
Its similar to the feeling where I hoped to ace a test in middle school and got a B instead. I know a lot of moms who view it as an accomplishment regardless of how many months they breastfed for, and there is NOTHING WRONG with that mindset. It is something personal to me though, possibly because I set high expectations for myself. It only made it worse because I know I could've continued breastfeeding I just didnt put in enough time to establish the milk supply, therefore my milk dried up. Seeing other moms breastfeed just makes me think "I wish I could still do that." Feeling bad because you cant do something for your kid, especially when you are physically and medically capable (and the health benefits to them) just brings on the guilt, and has NOTHING to do with competition.
I am not dissing formula, my son was on it since 2 months old and he's still here, it all comes down to my own personal matters and not being able to provide my kid the best, although I was capable with doing that.
I dont "know" those moms, heck, I dont even know their names, needless to say their babies. How can it be competition if I dont know them personally? They dont know what I do on a daily basis and vice versa. When I see random pics of breastfeeding mom's, I just get wishful thinking that I could be like them. Its more of an inspirational feeling and feeling sad for myself at the same time.
You realize you just answered the question you came here to post???
You feel bad because you choose to.
It's a competition you set up yourself. It's not inspirational. It's negative self-talk. This one thing is going to constantly trip you up as a mom, trust me. You have set expectations for yourself that will only eat at your self-esteem and make you second-guess every decision you make, which is NOT a good thing as your kids get older and the problems get harder.
I'm always a bit suspicious of people who go on and on about how great they are doing. Whether in business, their love life, parenting, etc.
I was very poor when my children were little. Very poor. I used to interpret what I saw and heard from other parents as they were able to do so much more for their kids than I could for mine. Then one day I was stuck in a hallway at my oldest daughter's school with other moms for quite a while. They were those "lucky" stay at home ones. Their husbands were healthy and had white collar jobs in oil. I was jealous, and felt so much "less than" than I thought they were. I was trying to blend in with the wall at this special school that my kid was in because of her academic skills.
These moms were laughing about the things their kids wanted and how often and cheerfully they said "no." They were laughing at their mistakes, too. The crummy meals they put on the table because they were tired or had a cooking fail. Forgotten play dates. Cancelled events for one reason or another. Ways they, and all moms, goof up and disappointed their kids. Not out of selfishness or meanness, just life. Some even mentioned snippets about troubles in their life. I imagined them as having none!
I don't know if any of them even noticed I was nearby, doing a great job of being almost invisible, but I am so grateful I was there. It was so liberating.
My perception of what a mom should do, and my perception of how others do, and my expectations for myself were quite skewed.
I'm always a bit suspicious of people who go on and on about how great they are doing. Whether in business, their love life, parenting, etc.
I was very poor when my children were little. Very poor. I used to interpret what I saw and heard from other parents as they were able to do so much more for their kids than I could for mine. Then one day I was stuck in a hallway at my oldest daughter's school with other moms for quite a while. They were those "lucky" stay at home ones. Their husbands were healthy and had white collar jobs in oil. I was jealous, and felt so much "less than" than I thought they were. I was trying to blend in with the wall at this special school that my kid was in because of her academic skills.
These moms were laughing about the things their kids wanted and how often and cheerfully they said "no." They were laughing at their mistakes, too. The crummy meals they put on the table because they were tired or had a cooking fail. Forgotten play dates. Cancelled events for one reason or another. Ways they, and all moms, goof up and disappointed their kids. Not out of selfishness or meanness, just life. Some even mentioned snippets about troubles in their life. I imagined them as having none!
I don't know if any of them even noticed I was nearby, doing a great job of being almost invisible, but I am so grateful I was there. It was so liberating.
My perception of what a mom should do, and my perception of how others do, and my expectations for myself were quite skewed.
What a great post! OP, please read and reread the last line.
Sorry, I'm not against hand me downs but I still believe kids should get something to call their own. Doesn't mean second kid gets all brand new but he still gets some new stuff.
I never said any different. You seem to feel some kind of guilt over not getting the second everything new like the first. get over it. They won't know the difference for many years.
OP: you've gotten lighten up a little bit. All of the baby stuff we make such a big deal over just don't matter in the long run. That stage of their lives only happens once, and you're wasting it worrying about living up to some arbitrary standards you have set for yourself.
OP, you have a tendency to backtrack and play semantics word games. It will accomplish nothing but then you have to realize you're spinning your wheels for nothing.
Stop it and seriously read this post over and over:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
You realize you just answered the question you came here to post???
You feel bad because you choose to.
It's a competition you set up yourself. It's not inspirational. It's negative self-talk. This one thing is going to constantly trip you up as a mom, trust me. You have set expectations for yourself that will only eat at your self-esteem and make you second-guess every decision you make, which is NOT a good thing as your kids get older and the problems get harder.
Somethingso comes down to a personal choice. As mentioned, I couldn't use hand me downs the first 9 months because of the conflicting seasons.
Even if he's able to wear them now, if I do see something cute on occasion, I will get it for him. Though 90% of the time he's wearing his brothers clothes now. And I don't believe in putting him in worn out clothes and shoes either. Clothes that look too old, has holes, or stains we toss. I already explained the situation at least 5 days but people still act like I use all new?
It's also a choice if I do get a girl in the future and decide to dress her in dolly clothes and not a tomboy.
About the breastfeeding thing, I was placed in an environment to believe breast is the best. After I delivered my second, the nurse was really big on breastfeeding and nailed it in my head that I needed to bf til a year. I felt I didn't achieve that milestone when I stopped at 10 months...and even though I made it til thend it wasn't even exclusive bm.
If I don't set expectations for myself, how do I become a decent mom? Do I just act like a 16 year old (relaxed approach) and go with the flow?
I still don't quite understand why some are sensitive about not using hand me downs. I'm using them now, but had I chose not to (I know some who will buy all brand new) is it a problem?
Somethingso comes down to a personal choice. As mentioned, I couldn't use hand me downs the first 9 months because of the conflicting seasons.
Even if he's able to wear them now, if I do see something cute on occasion, I will get it for him. Though 90% of the time he's wearing his brothers clothes now. And I don't believe in putting him in worn out clothes and shoes either. Clothes that look too old, has holes, or stains we toss. I already explained the situation at least 5 days but people still act like I use all new?
It's also a choice if I do get a girl in the future and decide to dress her in dolly clothes and not a tomboy.
About the breastfeeding thing, I was placed in an environment to believe breast is the best. After I delivered my second, the nurse was really big on breastfeeding and nailed it in my head that I needed to bf til a year. I felt I didn't achieve that milestone when I stopped at 10 months...and even though I made it til thend it wasn't even exclusive bm.
If I don't set expectations for myself, how do I become a decent mom? Do I just act like a 16 year old (relaxed approach) and go with the flow?
I still don't quite understand why some are sensitive about not using hand me downs. I'm using them now, but had I chose not to (I know some who will buy all brand new) is it a problem?
There is a HUGE variety of stances between being envious and jealous of others and a totally hands-off approach, which I think is what you're getting at with the 16-year-old reference.
Breastfeeding? Guess what. You breastfed. For a really long time. But because one random nurse who doesn't even know you said one thing that you latched onto (no pun intended), you have convinced yourself that you failed. Guess what? There are nurses who use their position as a sort of bully pulpit where they bestow their unsolicited personal thoughts on child-bearing and raising on unsuspecting new moms. Her word is not The RULE!! You did what you could, and it was fine. Time to move on.
Nobody cares about hand-me-downs. If you think hand-me-downs are bad, I have one son who wears hand-me-ups because his younger brother is bigger than he is. Generations of children grew up with hand-me-downs, and it is not a big deal. Old ratty clothes are one thing, but the fact is that the more kids there are, the more they have to share.
It's up to YOU as a mom to be sure to dedicate certain items, traditions and occasions as special only to each child. But sometimes they share and that's OK.
There are ancient jokes about how the youngest kids get away with everything because the parents were so busy with the older kids, and how the youngest kid gets shafted because parents forget to do everything from the tooth fairy to school registration because, "Didn't we already do that?" with the older kid.
The question YOU asked here was why do you FEEL BAD about your child not getting things, and the truth is right there. You have some parental guilt going on, but you also are jealous of what you are seeing other parents do.
We all do it. My thing is trips, and when I see parents posting pix of trips with their kids, I get jealous. But I have learned over the years that I can make myself as miserable as I want by doing that, so I choose NOT to.
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You seem to feel some kind of guilt over not getting the second everything new like the first. get over it. They won't know the difference for many years.
