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Hey OP, I'm a relatively new dad (I have a toddler), and I just wanted to let you know that I felt EXACTLY the same as you before I had kids. In reality, it probably took me a good year or so before I was any good with my daughter. Before that, I was still doing everything I was supposed to- changing diapers, playing, feeding, etc., but I never felt comfortable being silly. Then one day I noticed myself in the mall acting absolutely ridiculous in public just trying to make my daughter laugh and that's when I realized that it just sort of happens. Now I'm a full-blown goofball with her and it just comes naturally.
Just wanted to let you know that your feelings are totally normal. I even read articles about it when my daughter was 6 months because I wasn't feeling all that attached; apparently for men, it's common for the relationship to take 7 months to a year before the connection really solidifies. Don't get me wrong, I would lay down my life for her at day 1, but the link just isn't the same as it is with mothers. We just take longer to come around.
I'm 27, male. My girlfriend has a 3 year old daughter, and I somewhat dread having to interact with her. I have no 'game' when it comes to kids, I literally haven't had to interact with any of them since I was one of them myself. I feel really silly, I don't know what to say to her. My mind just goes blank, I just can't bring myself to act in 'that way', especially when I know an adult is listening. Every now and then girlfriend will put me on the spot by asking me, or encouraging her daughter to ask me, to sing her a song or make up a story or something, and I've got nothing. This isn't a new situation either, I've known them both for two years. It was alright at first when her daughter didn't talk much.
Girlfriend wants me to be a dad to her daughter and I'd somewhat like to do that but this hang-up is making me want to bail. She has just asked me to record a video for her daughter on my phone and send her it, I've made up some bull**** transparent excuse to avoid doing it and have no doubt made her angry at me. Am I stuck like this or can it be overcome?
3 years is still pretty much a baby.
If you hang around you'll soon start to get a kid.
That's when they really get fun. When you can have a conversation with em.
If it's a huge problem, I suggest some flooding. Your gf child may be a quiet kid, hard work at the best of times, so get yourself around some of her peers, volunteer at one of her activities or something.
Some of those kids are little firecrackers and will have you laughing despite yourself.
I'm 27, male. My girlfriend has a 3 year old daughter, and I somewhat dread having to interact with her. I have no 'game' when it comes to kids, I literally haven't had to interact with any of them since I was one of them myself. I feel really silly, I don't know what to say to her. My mind just goes blank, I just can't bring myself to act in 'that way', especially when I know an adult is listening. Every now and then girlfriend will put me on the spot by asking me, or encouraging her daughter to ask me, to sing her a song or make up a story or something, and I've got nothing. This isn't a new situation either, I've known them both for two years. It was alright at first when her daughter didn't talk much.
Girlfriend wants me to be a dad to her daughter and I'd somewhat like to do that but this hang-up is making me want to bail. She has just asked me to record a video for her daughter on my phone and send her it, I've made up some bull**** transparent excuse to avoid doing it and have no doubt made her angry at me. Am I stuck like this or can it be overcome?
Man, IMO, you getting off easy on this board. Do you love your gf's daughter? Do you interact with her willingly at all?
You said, "Girlfriend wants me to be a dad to her daughter and I'd somewhat like to do". After spending 2 years with your GF and her daughter, you still aren't sure?
I cannot believe that after watching her grow up for 2 years, that you don't know how to interact with her. It seems more like you just don't want to. You seem to have no connection with her daughter. How can that be after 2 years? It's one thing if you were writing this post and you've only been with your girlfriend for a couple of months but 2 years?
Do your girlfriend and her daughter a favor and decide ASAP, if you can be the father figure that this little girl needs. If the answer is not a resounding "yes", then please for the sake of the child, don't stick around. The last thing she needs is a step dad that doesn't care for.
Ew...don't try to be "that way". There is no 'Way' with kids. Just be yourself, BUT also reach out to this kid as a human being. Surely she has some characteristics you respond to. She isn't a baby, or a doll, or a blob. She is already showing you what kind of person she is if you pay attention.
Man, IMO, you getting off easy on this board. Do you love your gf's daughter? Do you interact with her willingly at all?
You said, "Girlfriend wants me to be a dad to her daughter and I'd somewhat like to do". After spending 2 years with your GF and her daughter, you still aren't sure?
I cannot believe that after watching her grow up for 2 years, that you don't know how to interact with her. It seems more like you just don't want to. You seem to have no connection with her daughter. How can that be after 2 years? It's one thing if you were writing this post and you've only been with your girlfriend for a couple of months but 2 years?
Do your girlfriend and her daughter a favor and decide ASAP, if you can be the father figure that this little girl needs. If the answer is not a resounding "yes", then please for the sake of the child, don't stick around. The last thing she needs is a step dad that doesn't care for.
I totally agree with this! Have you really watched her grow up for 2 years and not bonded?
I'd bail...there are lots of other women out there that aren't looking for a daddy for their bastard children.
This. I'm going to play devil's advocate for both OP and the mom. Does the mom really expect OP to act as surrogate dad? That may merely be his words, not hers. Most single women in her position would never expect such a thing, especially from a man she isn't planning to marry. And what's the role of the biological dad in all this? Is he MIA, is he actively involved in the daughter's life, or is he something in between? The answer to that question also can affect OP's role.
Secondly, I don't blame him for feeling uncomfortable. Whether the mother truly wants him to fulfill the father role, it certainly sounds like the mom expects OP to feel more comfortable with kids than he does. Personally, I don't think OP should take on this project (and she is a project) unless he truly loves both children and the mother, and really sees this as a long term thing. The daughter deserves to have stability in her life, and it's not fair to her to have a boyfriend just disappear because he doesn't want the challenges that come with raising a child. It sounds like he's not really into the child, but this may only be a temporary feeling. I don't think people instantly warm up to kids necessarily. Only he knows if he will adjust to having the little girl around most of the time.
I'm the same way around young kids. Never know what to say, when its OK to say no, what to do with them, etc. Being 30, most of our friends have kids now but we don't. Don't worry about it so much, kids don't care and you'll get over it. Despite me being what I call child-shy, most of my friends' kids love me and can't wait to see me and I have no idea why. It is nice though, I have a 1 year old niece now and she is growing up seeing me all the time - it is quite the feeling when the kids straight up love you.
I think you either have a connection with this kid or you don't. Either its a priority for you or its not. Whatever you feel is okay, but in my opinion, its gone on too long so better bail while you can if you aren't committed to playing Daddy like this single mom is hoping for.
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