U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-20-2016, 09:41 AM
 
Location: South Florida
637 posts, read 1,010,047 times
Reputation: 1909

Advertisements

I think if it were me, I'd try a last ditch effort at counseling for both of you, together. Try to view the time between now and July as a chance to open a dialogue that you hope to continue once she's gone-at least something so that the door can be reopened when she settles down.

You don't want her there, and your ex doesn't want her either? No judgement whether it's justified or not, just saying that's got to be rough on a 18 year old. The anger and contempt she displays towards you might really be highly charged pain.

I really think you need to spend a few hundred on a sit-down with a family law attorney and find out what your options are. The opportunity to regain control over the situation may be there by you moving out of state, by her joining the military etc... but, timing could be important and missteps need to be avoided. You need a plan. The money spent will likely pale in comparison to what you could be on the hook for if you have to support her until she is 23. Establish your legal rights and protect yourself. You can always voluntarily give her money later if you want to, but make sure you aren't legally obligated to do so.

Also, with the possibility of being taken to court for support, you wouldn't want to take on a second job now and increase your income - unless you want to work two jobs for the next five years and give most of it to your daughter.

Do not discuss your plans (legal and otherwise) with your ex or anyone else!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-20-2016, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38756
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonmam View Post
I think if it were me, I'd try a last ditch effort at counseling for both of you, together. Try to view the time between now and July as a chance to open a dialogue that you hope to continue once she's gone-at least something so that the door can be reopened when she settles down.

You don't want her there, and your ex doesn't want her either? No judgement whether it's justified or not, just saying that's got to be rough on a 18 year old. The anger and contempt she displays towards you might really be highly charged pain.
Good points. I know that I would have been absolutely heartbroken as an 18 year old (or at any age) to realize that neither of my parents wanted me around. Frankly, that may have been the reason that she started to act up. Who knows what came first, the feeling of being unloved and unwanted or the acting out and rude behavior?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonmam View Post

I really think you need to spend a few hundred on a sit-down with a family law attorney and find out what your options are. The opportunity to regain control over the situation may be there by you moving out of state, by her joining the military etc... but, timing could be important and missteps need to be avoided. You need a plan. The money spent will likely pale in comparison to what you could be on the hook for if you have to support her until she is 23. Establish your legal rights and protect yourself. You can always voluntarily give her money later if you want to, but make sure you aren't legally obligated to do so!
I agree. Let's say that you see an attorney and it cost $500. That one visit may end up saving you $500 A MONTH from the time that your daughter is 18 until she is 23, if she goes to college that long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonmam View Post

Also, with the possibility of being taken to court for support, you wouldn't want to take on a second job now and increase your income - unless you want to work two jobs for the next five years and give most of it to your daughter.

Do not discuss your plans (legal and otherwise) with your ex or anyone else!

Excellent point. It is likely that I suggested that before I realized that the OP/Mom may be forced to pay "child support" or whatever it is called for an adult child that lives in MA & goes to college. I was thinking of ways for Mom to get out of the house to avoid conflict.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 10:06 AM
 
8,711 posts, read 8,913,183 times
Reputation: 12186
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
So, neither of you contacted an attorney in the new state/states and redrafted a child support and custody agreement when you moved out of California?

How long ago did you move from California?

Why haven't you and your ex-husband visited an attorney to find out your rights and responsibilities in the new state?

The attorney may tell you that if you move out of MA in July to another state your daughter is entitled to nothing because the new state does not have jurisdiction over an adult child. Since your ex-husband does not live in MA would he still have to pay? And, how much? Enough to go to community college or enough to go to a college with $50,000 a year tuition? If she choses an expensive college does that mean that you & your ex-husband need to pay more money? I know several parents that got part time jobs (in addition to their full time jobs) to help pay for their children's college expenses but that was completely voluntary. Would/could MA FORCE you & your ex-husband to do that if your daughter chooses a very expensive college? Or would your ex-husband's previous child support amount just continue? And, since you never paid child support before, because your daughter lived with you, how is the money that you owe calculated? Or could the courts say that she has to continue living with you & you need to buy her food, as before, etc.? Wow, lots of questions.

See an attorney and get the facts in your specific situation not just "general situations" or hypothetical situations.

Jurisdiction is a big question here. Who has it? That is going to dictate a lot of what comes next.


Normally what I've seen is that the father's child support just continues on to age 23, and the arangements for college are usually made between the parents and child. This is in most cases where the parents can actually communicate and come up with reasonable plans. The custodial parent doesn't pay anyone, but just provides support by keeping food in the pantry and a roof over the child's head.

Only time I've heard of tuition being ordered is in cases where the parents don't get along, the father/mother is a deadbeat, has extreme wealth and doesn't contribute to child, etc etc. But for the most part, if there are two active parents, and CS has been being paid, and of average incomes, the plan for college is usually negotiated outside of the courtroom.

Of course, i'm not a lawyer, and only go by personal references of people I know dealing with the same issue.



Quote:
there AND your divorce decree is still from California which says that the
custody & child support stops when she graduates from HS, your daughter may
be out of luck.
This is actually a VERY big point that the OP needs to check on with a lawyer and I'm trying to find legal wording on.

I believe that the ending terms of a CS agreement are bound by the laws of the state they were originally set forth in. This is done so that a parent who lived in a state where CS ends absolutely at age 18 cannot move to another state that CS extends to age 21 or 23 just to keep the payments coming.

Of course, i'm not a lawyer so take this with a grain of salt and consult a real MA attorney


EDIT:

Found something

http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/oreg...ers-3309.shtml

Quote:

Under the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act (UIFSA), � 205, as long as
one of the individual parties, or the child, continues to reside in the state
that issued the original support order (the "issuing state"), and as long as the
parties do not agree to the contrary, the issuing tribunal has "continuing,
exclusive jurisdiction" (CEJ) over its child-support order. This includes
exclusive authority to modify the order, which in practical terms means that no
other state may do so.

Like I said....talk to a lawyer.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 10:13 AM
 
Location: rural south west UK
2,808 posts, read 1,729,333 times
Reputation: 3234
tell her:" my house- my rules, if you don't like it, move out".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 10:17 AM
 
8,711 posts, read 8,913,183 times
Reputation: 12186
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I realized that the OP/Mom may be forced to pay "child support" or whatever it is called for an adult child that lives in MA & goes to college. I was thinking of ways for Mom to get out of the house to avoid conflict.

I've never heard of any parent paying support directly to a child at all. The support is from the non custodial parent to the parent to provide a living space, food, and clothing for the child.

The only money changing hands would be from dad to the OP in this case. The money would be hers, not the childs.



BTW, that child who sued her parents for child support was denied by a judge

New Jersey teen who sued parents for financial support returns home | Fox News
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 11:41 AM
 
1,891 posts, read 1,132,939 times
Reputation: 4914
Honestly, it sounds like you hate her guts. Your own daughter.


If I were forced to live with a mother who was supposed to love me more than anything in the world, but who hated my guts? Yeah, I'd be a little witch too.


If you really don't love her, and it sounds like you don't, come clean with her so she can mourn and move on. Sit her down, tell her you don't love her anymore, you never will again, you're sorry but it's over, time to "divorce" as it were. Tell her you will help her leave and then you don't expect to hear from her again. Then get out of her hair as much as possible so she can mourn her mother.


But if you actually love her? You need to change YOUR attitude. Go get some counseling. Figure out how to communicate to her you love her clearly and effectively without being a spineless doormat. You're the adult, not her, legalities aside. Go be a grown up.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 11:46 AM
 
1,408 posts, read 807,636 times
Reputation: 3249
Quote:
Originally Posted by pkbab5 View Post
Honestly, it sounds like you hate her guts. Your own daughter.


If I were forced to live with a mother who was supposed to love me more than anything in the world, but who hated my guts? Yeah, I'd be a little witch too.


If you really don't love her, and it sounds like you don't, come clean with her so she can mourn and move on. Sit her down, tell her you don't love her anymore, you never will again, you're sorry but it's over, time to "divorce" as it were. Tell her you will help her leave and then you don't expect to hear from her again. Then get out of her hair as much as possible so she can mourn her mother.


But if you actually love her? You need to change YOUR attitude. Go get some counseling. Figure out how to communicate to her you love her clearly and effectively without being a spineless doormat. You're the adult, not her, legalities aside. Go be a grown up.
Spoken like someone who hasn't had to deal with a misbehaving child for 6 years like the OP has. It's not about love- I don't doubt that the OP loves her child.

Her child is acting out terribly and is using the legal system to make things worse. Simply loving her more won't stop any of this. In fact, if she loved her less things might be easier because she would just kick her out of the house.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 11:55 AM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,276,519 times
Reputation: 8481
What is almost always the common denominator with threads about acting out kids who have almost total control of the situation in a household?

It is one or both parents who refuse to see their own role in the situation.


Also, in most of these threads there is some kind of legal obstacle in the posters' minds that prevents them from taking strong action.

Makes me wonder.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 01:30 PM
 
5,699 posts, read 1,714,034 times
Reputation: 4536
Quote:
Originally Posted by westwind15 View Post
Oh, how I wish I could. I'm told that is child abandonment while she is still in high school.
That can't be right.

Seriously -- you're saying Massachusetts has a law that prohibits residents from moving out of the commonwealth if they have a child aged 22 or younger?

Last edited by hbdwihdh378y9; 01-20-2016 at 01:44 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-20-2016, 01:35 PM
 
5,016 posts, read 4,828,482 times
Reputation: 11667
This sounds way over the top, it must be a huge exaggeration.

I find the OP's representation of MA laws hard to swallow. What if she stops supporting her kid? What happens? Does CPS take the kid? good. Does OP get thrown in jail? I doubt it. For how long? Until she agrees to support the kid again? Sounds fishy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top