Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm currently having an argument with a friend of mine who feels that she should support her adult 20 year old son. I told her that as a 20 year old he should be working and standing on his own two feet whereas she feels that she should support him until he moves out on his own.
This kid apparently went off to college in 2014 for his freshman year and flunked out because he got into the party life and didn't go to class. He moved back home with mom and dad (step-dad). Dad feels that he now needs to find a job and help out around the house. He's been trying to get him to find a job since Jan but mom (my friend) keeps blocking that decision. Son re-enrolled in some sort of school part time to work on a graphic design degree. Dad has another daughter from a previous relationship and she's now off in her freshman year. Mom (my friend) feels that since both kids are in school that they shouldn't have to pay to stay at the house. Husband feels that when her son flunked out of school he placed himself in a different position. He feels that had he done okay in school and went back in the fall he wouldn't have had to work. He says that if his daughter flunks out she too would be subject to the same rules.
Son (step-son) is now 20 years old and won't work cause mom is paying everything for him. She feels that parents should help kids till they get out on their own. He'll go spend several nights a week with his girlfriend and her parents and dad feels that if you can go stay with them 3 or 4 nights a week then you might as well move in with them. This girl's parents went out of town on vacation and they literally gave the son one of their extra cars to drive while they're gone. So not only is mommy supporting him, the girlfriend's parents are not only letting him come lay up with their daughter 3 or 4 nights a week but now they're giving him a free car to drive while they're gone. Girlfriend pays for their dates cause son refuses to find a job. I told her that no girl wants to constantly date a guy who refuses to work and just mooches off everyone.
The boy is currently doing some landscaping work for the girlfriend's parents and they are paying him to do it but I told her it sounds like they are just using him and if they are giving him anything it's just pennies on the dollar. If you were to hire an official landscaper you'd spend several thousand dollars but they're probably giving this boy little to nothing if he can't even afford to pay his cell phone bill which mom is paying.
I'm trying to tell her that she's doing nothing more than crippling him and enabling him to be dependent on her. I told her the minute his cell phone gets cut off for a few days he'd find a job then but until he has no reason to work. Mom is paying his bills. Girlfriend is paying for their dates. Girlfriend's parents are giving him a car to drive for free plus access to their daughter at night. Why would he want to do better when he's got everything made?
Ladies, how long would you date a guy who wouldn't work? How many dates would you pay for before you said enough was enough?
She's raising quite the leech. She's an accomplished enabler.
Best thing to do is charge the kids rent , like a low amount which they have to earn on a job , like $ 20 a week rent to live there or they have to still be in school one or the other .....
You can ask the same question under dozen of different names and the answer will still be the same.
Here is my answer to the question of does a 20 year old college drop out get a free ride.
No no and no.
We told all of our kids that they have several options when they graduate.
1. They can continue to go to school and we will support them up until they get that first four year degree. We also want to see results that they have a plan and are following that plan.
2. They can serve a 2 year mission for our Church and we will support them while on that mission. When they come home we will continue to support them if they are working on a four year degree.
3. Failure to do either of the above then they can work and pay rent. We told them that in our area $500 is a deal for rent. On top of that they can pay their own cell phone bill, pay for transportation, pay their own auto insurance.
Support to us means a bed to stay in, food, clothes, and the use of our bathroom and laundry. It does not mean we will pay to entertain them, send them on trips, buy them cars, pay for a cell phone, or any other extras. Support is a limited thing that offers the basics for life and living. It means a room to live in but not their own private room. If they need to use our car they will fill it with gas and pay for the insurance to drive the car.
On top of that they can help out around the house. Helping out is not a substiture for paying rent. In the adult world if you rent a place you still need to clean up and take care of your place. Twenty year olds should know that by now.
On top of that they can help out around the house.
To this beautiful post, I would add only 1 thing: Stop calling it "helping out". Call it "pulling your own weight". Lay out the expectations once and don't remind them of the need for "help". It then becomes their responsibility to manage.
My son decided to take a year off from college. It was the classic case of choosing a school before choosing a major, then realizing they didn't have what he needed there.
When he got home, I gave him a month to find a job. He did, delivering pizzas at night and lounging around during the day. Slowly but surely, I made him pay for other things. His car insurance. His phone bill. His gas and movie money. When he dropped his mobile phone, he had to pony up for the replacement. Suddenly, he was out of money because he was only delivering pizzas four night a week.
Now, he has a daytime job on a freelance basis doing film production work. He is making much more money a day (Typical rate is around $200/day) and then delivering pizzas at night. Suddenly he's making money and having some left over at the end of the day. And on his own volition he's beginning to look at classes at a local university that does have what he needs.
Sometimes they just need a push.
This is exactly the sort of thing my parents and all my friends parents did. Like everything else with parenting, you scaffold them, then slowly remove it so they can stand on their own two feet. It's good parenting, and the kindest way to raise kids, which is why the OP gets the same responses no matter how she phrases the question.
As a kid becomes a teenager the parents start with an allowance so the kid can budget for their own clothes and entertainment, then petrol. As the kid gets older and leaves high school the allowance drops away and they have to cover those things themselves, while still being given housing and food and insurance, then as they get older they decide to live with friends instead and they take on all the costs. But, everyone spends periods of time living back with their parents, in between things.
The OP's poor kid missed out on all that parenting that should have been happening over the last five years and he's been handicapped in life.
This is exactly the sort of thing my parents and all my friends parents did. Like everything else with parenting, you scaffold them, then slowly remove it so they can stand on their own two feet. It's good parenting, and the kindest way to raise kids, which is why the OP gets the same responses no matter how she phrases the question.
As a kid becomes a teenager the parents start with an allowance so the kid can budget for their own clothes and entertainment, then petrol. As the kid gets older and leaves high school the allowance drops away and they have to cover those things themselves, while still being given housing and food and insurance, then as they get older they decide to live with friends instead and they take on all the costs. But, everyone spends periods of time living back with their parents, in between things.
The OP's poor kid missed out on all that parenting that should have been happening over the last five years and he's been handicapped in life.
Very well said.
IMHO, it starts long, long before a child is a teenager. It starts the first time that a preschool age child asks for toys in a store and the parent tells them "No, we can't afford that" or "No, you already have enough trucks/dolls/what-evers".
I stopped being supported, and almost instantaneously started returning support, when I was 29. I graduated law school when I was 25, and my stepfather thought he lined up a court clerkship for me. Unfortunately he was double-crossed. I immediately set outto get my own job. I landed one at the beginning of 1983 for $50 per week until I was sworn in to the bar, then escalating to $10,000 a year. Even in 1983 that was not self-supporting. My next job was a little better. One I started in October 1985 proved unstable. In fact one of the partners of that firm is now disbarred and I think doing time, either suspended sentence or incarceration.
Long story short on June 19, 1986 I randomly landed a well-paying job, and moved out on November 1, 1986. The checks started going the other way within less than a year. During the summer of 1987 I wanted my account at the beach club separated from my parents. The club said "you know, if you don't pay they're going to have to." I said "asa long as it's not the other way around (meaning I was not at risk on their bills) that's fine. By early 1988 I was the highest earner in the family.
To this beautiful post, I would add only 1 thing: Stop calling it "helping out". Call it "pulling your own weight". Lay out the expectations once and don't remind them of the need for "help". It then becomes their responsibility to manage.
LOL, OK you got me. Help out is a real weak version of pulling their own weight. As parents we have expectations. For example, we expect a kid to clean their room and getting an allowance for that is not part of the deal.
Oh wait, did I say that? Yes in our home our kids earn their allowance for doing things that are not expected of them. I don't expect my 12 year old to wash the car's but we have arrainged to give him $5 a week if he does that. Cleaning his room taking out the trash, putting the dishes away, putting the groceries away are things we expect of him. They are shared with the other kids along with many other household responsibilities. LOL
But I feel independence should be started sooner, rather than later. I'm not saying kick the kid out at 18, but there is no reason why sweet little Sally can't get a job at age 14-16 and start contributing to her expenses and such. She wants a car, and a cell phone? Well what perfect time to introduce them to the way the world works by having them get a job and contribute at least a bit. Not doing the child any favors by not teaching them how to stand on their own two feet.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
