Paying for the Wedding? (teenage, baby, insurance, chart)

[UNC4Me]

My daughter is getting married next year. We have a fund for her and when she got engaged we told her the amount. She was thrilled and grateful for our contribution. If there had been any hint of dissatisfaction from her or her finance, I would have been livid. Any money toward a wedding is a gift and not something they should expect as an entitlement.


That said, I also think that a gift carries no strings. I see too many parents who think that if they contribute, they get to call the shots. That makes their contribution less than a gift which should be given without regard to any compensation.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by wilsonthedog

We (as a family) went on a epic vacation over the summer to Europe for almost 3 weeks
...
my wife is already going to France with her Dad
...
I could give a $1000 and that is about it.

I'm not usually one to say this, I am almost always a "pay your own way" kind of person, but in your case, I'm changing my tune.

Bottom line, you don't like the boyfriend and your expensive European vacations are more important than your daughter's wedding.

[rugrats2001]

Originally Posted by Book Lover 21

I strongly disagree with this.


My parents had five kids. They contributed $1000 to each wedding. Huge weddings were just not a priority in our family. My parents grew up in the Great Depression and having a lot in savings was their first priority. They ended up leaving each of us over six figures in their will. It was THEIR money and THEIR decision.

Absolutely all true.

And absolutely irrelevant.

I'm pretty sure the OP didn't grow up in the depression, and didn't address with the daughter that they would not be contributing to her wedding in the past.

Add to this the fact that $1000 at the time of your wedding was significantly more than $1000 in 2016 both inflationary-wise and expectation-wise.

[Tominftl]

Just don't let your wife's future husband dictate your thoughts. If he wants a blow out wedding let his family pay or him. He is stressing you out. Don't let this guy try to influence you.

[blueherons]

You can have a large, lavish wedding on any budget. Your loser SIL to be can do his wedding he wants on little money.

I was an event planner for 20 years.

To the person that said buy their own booze and hire a bartender, you cannot do that in a venue such as a museum, hotel, country club etc.

[BostonMike7]

Originally Posted by convextech

I'm not usually one to say this, I am almost always a "pay your own way" kind of person, but in your case, I'm changing my tune.

Bottom line, you don't like the boyfriend and your expensive European vacations are more important than your daughter's wedding.

I was all against helping pay for the wedding until I read this. Now, I have to agree with this logic that the OP values their vacations more than their daughters wedding.

[tassity22]

Originally Posted by rugrats2001

Absolutely all true.

And absolutely irrelevant.

I'm pretty sure the OP didn't grow up in the depression, and didn't address with the daughter that they would not be contributing to her wedding in the past.

Add to this the fact that $1000 at the time of your wedding was significantly more than $1000 in 2016 both inflationary-wise and expectation-wise.

Oh yeah. $1,000 now would not cover the cost of most weddings these days, not even close.

[tassity22]

Originally Posted by UNC4Me

That said, I also think that a gift carries no strings. I see too many parents who think that if they contribute, they get to call the shots. That makes their contribution less than a gift which should be given without regard to any compensation.

They don't get to call the shots about the wedding if they are only pitching in a meager sum of $1,000. Like I said, they should expect that if their daughter and her fiancé are paying most of it, then they get to have whatever kind of wedding they want, and nobody else has a right to complain. They also get to decide who is or is not on the guest list. The parents can't say " you must invite your father's business associates" or anything else. So that is something the parent should be prepared for, if the parent is not going to finance the wedding. They have no say in the event planning, but they can show up as guests. The $1,000 is more like a wedding gift, not financing a wedding itself.

[tassity22]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

I know that if someone that I knew took a three week European vacation, with their entire family including an adult child, I would more likely suspect that they were wealthy than they had scrimped and saved for many, many years to afford the trip.

Maybe, but many people don't think this way. I had to stop putting my vacation pictures on FB because someone I know got the idea we were wealthy because we went to Europe. And she hinted around that I should pick up the tab for other people at restaurant lunches and social outings. And then she kept asking when we were going back to Europe, as if we could just fly over there any time we want. I now keep a lot of information private from this particular person.


So the young man the OP is talking about sounds just like this person I know. Thinks if someone gets a vacation or new car or something, they are loaded with money. Just a blanket assumption. And then presumes they can dip into that person's wallet.

[UNC4Me]

Originally Posted by tassity22

They don't get to call the shots about the wedding if they are only pitching in $1,000. Like I said, they should expect that if their daughter and her fiancé are paying most of it, then they get to have whatever kind of wedding they want, and nobody else has a right to complain. They also get to decide who is or is not on the guest list. The parents can't say " you must invite your father's business associates" or anything else. So that is something the parent should be prepared for, if the parent is not going to finance the wedding. They have no say in the event planning - none.

We gave our daughter and future SIL way more than $1,000 and yet we expect no say in the event planning - none. Because we consider the funds a gift. When I give a gift, I don't expect to have any say in how it's used.


Of course, I've told my daughter that I'll be glad to help in anyway she wants. All she needs to do is tell me what she wants me to do. If she asks for no help, I'm all good with that. The most important thing to me is that they end up with the wedding they want and can enjoy the day.