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His mom did try for a while, she was better with him when he was younger and not as strong. She is petite so he can basically beat her up at this point. He's gotten violent with her. Once that happened I think she gave up. It seems for women if a son/grandson starts getting violent that is their limit. Happened with both his mother and grandmother.
I'm a big strong man with a high pain threshold so him kicking me, scratching me, or punching me usually leaves me unfazed.
The only time he really hurt me was once at the Museum of Natural History in DC it was time to go and he didn't want to leave, I started dragging him out and he literally bit my arm fully. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. The bruise lasted for like a month.
Yes; children with a Developmental Disability are known for the ability to display a super-human strength.
When my son was 4 years old he picked up a solid wood & leather sofa, tipped it up on it's end & sent it crashing to the floor. Then, he picked up the solid wood, 6ft long coffee table & sent it flying through the air.
Once, I tried leaving him at home, with his dad & siblings to run to the grocery store & he started throwing himself into the walls like a wrecking ball. It was winter, the windows were closed but I could still hear the crashing & the whole house shaking over a block away.
We had a SuperGate XT bolted to the floor with the same size/strength of zip ties that the police use to handcuff grown men & he literally "bench-pressed" it up & snapped the ties in half.
Then, we got a baby gate for the basement stairs, the kind that you bolt into the wall with an alarm feature. One day, I was surprised to walk out towards the stairs & see him happily playing on the basement floor, as I hadn't heard the gate alarm. Then I discovered the gate, lying in a pile of drywall on the stairs; gate still shut. He had ripped all 4 bolted bars out of the wall, probably in one push; as I hadn't heard a thing.
I suspect that this phenomena is related to impaired sensory pain processing. Similar to what was seen in the 60's & 70's with users of PCP, who were known to go through walls with their bare hands. The people didn't get stronger; their nerve pathways were impaired & they didn't feel the "Ouch; stop!" so they just kept going.
When my son was only 8 weeks old, he was so big he went off the infant growth charts ... & never went back on. By the time he was 2 years old, his Pediatrician predicted the possibility that he will be 6' 7" by the time he is fully grown.
In Kindergarten, he was the size of a 4th grader with the brute strength of a full-grown man.
By the 5th grade he was 5'8" & 178lbs & now he's 5'10" & 200 lbs. And he is still pre-puberty; just turned 13 in November.
So, great ... Basically; in a few years I will be in my 50's & my son will have turned into King Kong.
I know about the "limits" that a woman faces with an adolescent Autistic male. You have no idea how many times I wished that for just a few minutes, that I could be a man & regain control of an escalating situation.
But the moment I realized how vulnerable I was to that "limit", was the moment I had literally reached MY limit .... with Autism & all it's limitations.
My son (like most) was not born Autistic. His onset of symptoms was complete within 2 weeks: On November 23rd, 2005 I had a happy & normally developing child & by December 7, 2005, he was profoundly & severely disabled. In 2 weeks; I watched Autism steal his potential & his future.
Autism ... can have every piece of me it wants; my money, my career, my future, my hopes & dreams ... but it won't take him away from me; his mother. Not any more than it already has ...
Despite his disability, he has this deep "knowing" that words defy. He's supposed to be here, this world needs him here ... & for whatever reason; it's my job to make sure he stays here.
And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm not a man; I would never have been forced to find my own strength vs relying on my frame or deep voice.
But you are a man & you are his father. Somehow, you have to demonstrate to him that his grandmother, mother & any future female caregivers are to be deferred to in the same way he deferrs to you. Otherwise you will end up as the only person he "allows" to be his caregiver.
I would have no clue how to do this but from what I can tell from your posts; I think you'll do just fine. You have done a great job already.
12+6=18 which is around the time of high school graduation is it not? I'm hoping that he can either make enough progress to be in college (he's smart but his social issues limit him). I'm thinking a junior college would be best, followed by a regular university. The other option is if he doesn't progress very much there are adult group homes. They teach normal living skills with others on the spectrum.
If your child is 12 you should be starting to evaluate the programs & the length of programs at the HS level. Do not just assume that your teen will graduate at age 18 and go on to college. Some students high on the autism spectrum continue in HS for an extra year or two or even until age 21. Discuss with his special education teachers how they feel that he is progressing.
Also, please do not just assume that he will be able to go into a group home after HS. In many areas there is very, very limited assess to group homes, often with waiting lists of many years. Also, in many area group homes for adults with autism and normal intelligence are completely non-existent. Don't wait until he is 18 or 21 and can't handle college to check out the availability of services in your area.
Have you checked to see if you are eligible for any type of respite services from the state? In my area, some low income/low middle class parents get a few hours a week of free respite care. Often the people who do the care are experienced teacher's aides or others who are familiar with handicapped children. Or you can do private hire. In my area I personally know several special education teachers, autism specialists, OTs, and PTs who do occasional special needs child care. Of course, they cost more than just hiring the teenager next door, but they can handle melt-downs with ease.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-31-2016 at 09:09 AM..
Yes; children with a Developmental Disability are known for the ability to display a super-human strength.
When my son was 4 years old he picked up a solid wood & leather sofa, tipped it up on it's end & sent it crashing to the floor. Then, he picked up the solid wood, 6ft long coffee table & sent it flying through the air.
Once, I tried leaving him at home, with his dad & siblings to run to the grocery store & he started throwing himself into the walls like a wrecking ball. It was winter, the windows were closed but I could still hear the crashing & the whole house shaking over a block away.
We had a SuperGate XT bolted to the floor with the same size/strength of zip ties that the police use to handcuff grown men & he literally "bench-pressed" it up & snapped the ties in half.
Then, we got a baby gate for the basement stairs, the kind that you bolt into the wall with an alarm feature. One day, I was surprised to walk out towards the stairs & see him happily playing on the basement floor, as I hadn't heard the gate alarm. Then I discovered the gate, lying in a pile of drywall on the stairs; gate still shut. He had ripped all 4 bolted bars out of the wall, probably in one push; as I hadn't heard a thing.
I suspect that this phenomena is related to impaired sensory pain processing. Similar to what was seen in the 60's & 70's with users of PCP, who were known to go through walls with their bare hands. The people didn't get stronger; their nerve pathways were impaired & they didn't feel the "Ouch; stop!" so they just kept going.
When my son was only 8 weeks old, he was so big he went off the infant growth charts ... & never went back on. By the time he was 2 years old, his Pediatrician predicted the possibility that he will be 6' 7" by the time he is fully grown.
In Kindergarten, he was the size of a 4th grader with the brute strength of a full-grown man.
By the 5th grade he was 5'8" & 178lbs & now he's 5'10" & 200 lbs. And he is still pre-puberty; just turned 13 in November.
So, great ... Basically; in a few years I will be in my 50's & my son will have turned into King Kong.
I know about the "limits" that a woman faces with an adolescent Autistic male. You have no idea how many times I wished that for just a few minutes, that I could be a man & regain control of an escalating situation.
But the moment I realized how vulnerable I was to that "limit", was the moment I had literally reached MY limit .... with Autism & all it's limitations.
My son (like most) was not born Autistic. His onset of symptoms was complete within 2 weeks: On November 23rd, 2005 I had a happy & normally developing child & by December 7, 2005, he was profoundly & severely disabled. In 2 weeks; I watched Autism steal his potential & his future.
Autism ... can have every piece of me it wants; my money, my career, my future, my hopes & dreams ... but it won't take him away from me; his mother. Not any more than it already has ...
Despite his disability, he has this deep "knowing" that words defy. He's supposed to be here, this world needs him here ... & for whatever reason; it's my job to make sure he stays here.
And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm not a man; I would never have been forced to find my own strength vs relying on my frame or deep voice.
But you are a man & you are his father. Somehow, you have to demonstrate to him that his grandmother, mother & any future female caregivers are to be deferred to in the same way he deferrs to you. Otherwise you will end up as the only person he "allows" to be his caregiver.
I would have no clue how to do this but from what I can tell from your posts; I think you'll do just fine. You have done a great job already.
Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.
To be honest, the only thing my size gives me is the ability to not be injured. As you know, any discipline "by the switch" as they would say in the old days only results in a worsening of the situation.
He respects me because of my size but also because I have never given up on him. He is predicted to be taller than me, however. His grandfather on his mother's side was 6'4" (grandmother was 5' 2" though) and I'm 6'0". He's not there yet but it's only a matter of time. The real question is when he gets stronger than me then what will he do. I'm not scared, however. I went to a rough and tumble school growing up, I learned fear is always your worst enemy.
Yes; children with a Developmental Disability are known for the ability to display a super-human strength.
When my son was 4 years old he picked up a solid wood & leather sofa, tipped it up on it's end & sent it crashing to the floor. Then, he picked up the solid wood, 6ft long coffee table & sent it flying through the air.
Once, I tried leaving him at home, with his dad & siblings to run to the grocery store & he started throwing himself into the walls like a wrecking ball. It was winter, the windows were closed but I could still hear the crashing & the whole house shaking over a block away.
We had a SuperGate XT bolted to the floor with the same size/strength of zip ties that the police use to handcuff grown men & he literally "bench-pressed" it up & snapped the ties in half.
Then, we got a baby gate for the basement stairs, the kind that you bolt into the wall with an alarm feature. One day, I was surprised to walk out towards the stairs & see him happily playing on the basement floor, as I hadn't heard the gate alarm. Then I discovered the gate, lying in a pile of drywall on the stairs; gate still shut. He had ripped all 4 bolted bars out of the wall, probably in one push; as I hadn't heard a thing.
I suspect that this phenomena is related to impaired sensory pain processing. Similar to what was seen in the 60's & 70's with users of PCP, who were known to go through walls with their bare hands. The people didn't get stronger; their nerve pathways were impaired & they didn't feel the "Ouch; stop!" so they just kept going.
When my son was only 8 weeks old, he was so big he went off the infant growth charts ... & never went back on. By the time he was 2 years old, his Pediatrician predicted the possibility that he will be 6' 7" by the time he is fully grown.
In Kindergarten, he was the size of a 4th grader with the brute strength of a full-grown man.
By the 5th grade he was 5'8" & 178lbs & now he's 5'10" & 200 lbs. And he is still pre-puberty; just turned 13 in November.
So, great ... Basically; in a few years I will be in my 50's & my son will have turned into King Kong.
I know about the "limits" that a woman faces with an adolescent Autistic male. You have no idea how many times I wished that for just a few minutes, that I could be a man & regain control of an escalating situation.
But the moment I realized how vulnerable I was to that "limit", was the moment I had literally reached MY limit .... with Autism & all it's limitations.
My son (like most) was not born Autistic. His onset of symptoms was complete within 2 weeks: On November 23rd, 2005 I had a happy & normally developing child & by December 7, 2005, he was profoundly & severely disabled. In 2 weeks; I watched Autism steal his potential & his future.
Autism ... can have every piece of me it wants; my money, my career, my future, my hopes & dreams ... but it won't take him away from me; his mother. Not any more than it already has ...
Despite his disability, he has this deep "knowing" that words defy. He's supposed to be here, this world needs him here ... & for whatever reason; it's my job to make sure he stays here.
And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm not a man; I would never have been forced to find my own strength vs relying on my frame or deep voice.
But you are a man & you are his father. Somehow, you have to demonstrate to him that his grandmother, mother & any future female caregivers are to be deferred to in the same way he deferrs to you. Otherwise you will end up as the only person he "allows" to be his caregiver.
I would have no clue how to do this but from what I can tell from your posts; I think you'll do just fine. You have done a great job already.
I agree with the bolded. But you are a man & you are his father. Somehow, you have to demonstrate to him that his grandmother, mother & any future female caregivers are to be deferred to in the same way he deferrs to you. Otherwise you will end up as the only person he "allows" to be his caregiver.
Your son needs to learn that it is not just physical size and strength that matters. Some of the very best special education teachers that are know are regular or even size petite women. My best friend, was only 5' and weighed about 100 pounds and taught severely emotionally disturbed high school students. It wasn't unusual for some of the male students to be a full foot taller and 100 pounds heavier than her, yet they all treated her with respect and followed directions.
I had a female student who exhibited amazing feats of strength. Once she was angry that her dad was sitting on the couch where she wanted to sit. She grabbed his feet and pulled him off the couch to the floor. She as three years old at the time and he was 350 pounds and about 6'5". But, since she was so young she was just learning appropriate behavior and was able to learn when what behaviors were appropriate. She is now in HS and rarely uses her extraordinary strength..
Quote:
Originally Posted by cBach
Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.
To be honest, the only thing my size gives me is the ability to not be injured. As you know, any discipline "by the switch" as they would say in the old days only results in a worsening of the situation.
He respects me because of my size but also because I have never given up on him. He is predicted to be taller than me, however. His grandfather on his mother's side was 6'4" (grandmother was 5' 2" though) and I'm 6'0". He's not there yet but it's only a matter of time. The real question is when he gets stronger than me then what will he do. I'm not scared, however. I went to a rough and tumble school growing up, I learned fear is always your worst enemy.
Nope not giving him up. I do love him and would rather have no social life than to give him up. What I'm trying to find out is if there are other options. Would be nice if there was a win-win situation here, where I can watch him most of the time, but still get some downtime.
I think you mentioned your son goes to a ASD support group, and he sounds relatively high functioning, is it possible to reach out to other parents for support? Even if your kids wont "play" together, you might find one whose child is at least compatible enough for you to trade babysitting watching even if its just for an hour or two a week.
Nope not giving him up. I do love him and would rather have no social life than to give him up. What I'm trying to find out is if there are other options. Would be nice if there was a win-win situation here, where I can watch him most of the time, but still get some downtime.
Does your ex pay any child support? That would certainly help with the expenses needed to care for your son. If you don't have $$$ for a lawyer try Legal Aide. They helped us when my son's ex wouldn't let him see his daughter because of her new boyfriend not wanting my son in their lives.
The autism support group hasn't been very helpful to me. To be honest, most of the kids there are much more severely impaired than my son.
My son has normal IQ, his main problem is sensory overload. Smells, touches, sounds, and tastes really get him. It's like his body is tuned to static that our body doesn't pick up.
He wants to play with neuro-typical kids. It's just if something occurs he can't deal with it well.
On the plus side this does sound like something that he could mature into to some degree.
Since you have the luxury of moving you may want to relocate to an larger or more urban area with more resources in terms of support groups more similar to your situation.
Also, will he possibly have a change of attitude once he starts dating? Maybe he'll be like "dad you need to get laid" or something when he's 16 or 17?
Yes, I think he will.
Asperger's runs in my family, pretty strongly. My brothers and I had no problem with my dad's divorce or his remarriage. But my sister, the youngest, was about 12 and it really damaged the relationship he had with her. In retrospect, it would have been better if he waited until we were all through puberty before he started dating other women.
Us older kids didn't have any problem with him remarrying, even though it drove our mom crazy, because we thought it was natural that he'd want female companionship.
BUT, we did start having problems when he let her dictate the house rules and expected us kids to make huge changes to accommodate her. It sounds like your son doesn't like change either, so this could be a problem for him too.
So based on personal experience, I recommend holding off on dating until he's old enough to understand romantic relationships, and try to find women that will not expect you to make any changes that will have an impact on him. He probably won't care if you change the way you dress, but he won't be happy if you change the house rules or your sociopolitical beliefs to suit hers.
The autism support group hasn't been very helpful to me. To be honest, most of the kids there are much more severely impaired than my son.
My son has normal IQ, his main problem is sensory overload. Smells, touches, sounds, and tastes really get him. It's like his body is tuned to static that our body doesn't pick up.
He wants to play with neuro-typical kids. It's just if something occurs he can't deal with it well.
You should try to find a support group for kids with high-functioning autism, or Asperger's. They're more like neurotypicals, but have trouble making friends with them. Try a community facebook page or craigslist to ask if there are any groups for aspie kids.
Otherwise, try to get him involved with some clubs or extracurricular classes devoted to something he's obsessed with. Autistic kids tend to get obsessed with their interests, and can often become experts at what they like. If he hangs out with kids that like the same thing, they'll be impressed by his knowledge of it and that will make him cool to them.
You might want to consider getting him into a charter school for kids with high-functioning autism, or at least a school that has an autism program. I know there are several of them in MN, which I've been thinking of looking into myself. Make sure their approach is geared towards the children with sensory issues, and not towards the kids with behavioral problems that disrupt the class. The latter type might seem chaotic to him.
Children with sensory issues that don't deal well with change seem to do better with structure. My daughter did best at a Catholic girls' school. She loved it there, but we pulled her out to save money. I regret that. The kind of structure at a private school like that is great for kids who have trouble dealing with change. However, at her last school she was in a class with several special-needs kids, and the environment was too chaotic for her. I think your son is similar, so he'd probably love a class with structure. In fact, you could even ask the principal of his current school if he could get into a more structured class there.
.... My son has said that if I get another nanny he will behave very badly until she quits. So I've kind of run out of options.
Don't let your son have so much power. I think you should hire three or four nanny's and keep hiring them until you find someone who can handle your son. All kids push boundaries, and you can't let them get away with it or things will only get worse.
Take your ex back to court and have the child support upped and the visitation changed.
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