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On the one hand I understand where you are coming from. On the other hand have your triplets ever asked about your parents? Do they know the story? Have they expressed any interest in meeting your parents? The only reason I'm asking is because you live in the States and your parents live in South Africa. If you let them meet your kids would they ever have the opportunity to see them again? It's not like you are letting them into their lives.
But hey, I was raised by an abusive grandparent so I surely understand how you feel about keeping your children away from your parents. Listen to your heart.
I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
I empathize with your post. You are very accurate in citing "colorism" as a factor. This occurs when minorities discriminate against each other based on skin color. Colorism is historically very prevalent in many societies that have such a variation in skin tone. In the USA, colonial slavery led to rape by the white plantation owners many times. So the children were often part white but kept in slavery. The "house" slave was usually given better treatment and lived in the owner's home with housekeeping chores while the much darker slaves would be kept outside in harsh labor and weather conditions in an era without A/C (Colonial America - 1700s to 1800s).
Colorism also occurs in Latin American countries. Over there, a "casta" or caste system evolved where those with more Spanish blood and Eurocentric appearance were given higher social and economic status from birth. A 1/8 Aztec and 7/8 Spanish person who looks pure Spanish was given a much higher rank than a full-blooded indigenous person who was often at the bottom of the social class - a slave. That lasted into the early 1900s. The modern Dominican Republic and Mexico still have those issues with colorism. Sammy Sosa, Ex-Baseball Star, Continues Skin Bleaching; Appears 'Downright Vampiric' [PHOTOS]
Modern colorism is still a problem. Your mother was exhibiting colorism for having a preference for a white male and choosing to "pass" for white by denying her heritage. In the face of apartheid, it can be understandable (to some degree). But in the case of parenthood, it is unacceptable. However, colorism is very common. She chose to raise the children with white appearances and publicly acknowledge them while denying your existence. During the apartheid era, that is somewhat forced upon her. But apartheid is over, and she should have at least acknowledged you in private. But she kept her distance with your dad and let your grandmother raise you. I know apartheid ended in the early 90s.
So now they want to apologize and be part of your life with their grandchildren. I think you should make it clear how painful colorism is and point out strongly obvious examples and psychiatric studies. There is a film called "Dark Girls" in America that points out colorism and white beauty standards. You can point out the "Brown Paper Bag" test that historically African American fraternities and sororities had. https://www.watchtheyard.com/history/brown-paper-bag/
The film "Dark Girls" in particular points out the modern pattern of single African American females ignored by many black men who prefer to be with white women - particularly blondes. Just google "RGIII FSU" and you will see what I mean. He left his first white wife and impregnated another white woman from FSU. At FSU and the general world of competitive sports there are many black men who make it clear they prefer white women in those gyms. I saw one in the locker boast about it - colorism in the form of rejecting much darker black women in preference of young blonde white women. Tiger Woods is a colorist. I've never seen a picture of him with a black girlfriend - especially a much darker one. He prefers blondes by far. One thing that strikes me as odd is that the white women who are beneficiaries of colorism in these relationships are completely unaware of "colorism". Tiger Woods alienates black community with white lovers - NY Daily News
If they still want to apologize after being educated on the horror of colorism and are sincere, then you have the option of accepting their apology and moving on. To be fair, it sounds like they really want you to accept their apology. But make it clear what colorism is and how psychologically damaging it is long after it occurred. But it's your decision. Best wishes.
I agree with this poster. While I am sympathetic to how you feel, and you have every right to feel like you do.....please make sure that you are not making the same mistakes that your parents did. Make sure in your heart that you will not look back someday and regret not allowing your children to even meet.....much less know their grandparents.
I know very little about apartheid other than movies and such depicting that era. As a parent I know that I would have done anything I had to protect my children....including giving a child to my parents to raise if it kept that child safe from harm.
Peace by with you.
In which case the proper response is to give up the white man and go home to live with grandma and your child. Or emigrate.
My maternal grandfather was a horrible horrible person. However when he was 5, he and his 3 year old sister were put out on the streets to fend for themselves after his mother remarried - the new husband didn't want any kids but his "own". This would have been in the 1880s. Yeah, long generations in my family. Anyway.
The only way for such small children to survive in such a situation was to turn to crime and to be tougher than anyone else around. He protected his sister by being the meanest son-of-a-b*tch on the block - at 5 years old. Given the rest of his history and what I knew of him personally, and also from what I know of my great-aunt (his sister), I'm as certain as I can be that he also abused his sister physically, emotionally, and sexually, and probably pimped her out as well. At some point she was badly beaten and was facially disfigured. I think there may have been some brain damage as well, though its hard for me to be sure given how young I was when she died. But there was a childlike quality about her that is redolent of certain kinds of brain damage, which I have witnessed since.
And no, an orphanage was not a better option. In many cases they were far worse options than fending for yourself on the streets. Knowing my grandfather, I'm sure they ate a lot better if nothing else. He was a mean son of a witch, but he was very effective at survival.
So I have no sympathy for women in this day and age, even in South Africa, who give up their children just to keep a man. No man is worth that - especially not a man who would require or even allow it.
The man is not worth a word that rhymes with spit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Robino1
How does giving the child to a WHITE grandparent keeping that child safe from harm??
The parents didn't want their livelyhood interrupted by the scandal having a black child would create.
Did you read all the OP's posts?!?
Apparently YOU did not (read all the OP's posts). Because the grandmother who raised the OP was the maternal grandmother, and the mother was black passing for white.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,340,243 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pyewackette
In which case the proper response is to give up the white man and go home to live with grandma and your child. Or emigrate.
My maternal grandfather was a horrible horrible person. However when he was 5, he and his 3 year old sister were put out on the streets to fend for themselves after his mother remarried - the new husband didn't want any kids but his "own". This would have been in the 1880s. Yeah, long generations in my family. Anyway.
The only way for such small children to survive in such a situation was to turn to crime and to be tougher than anyone else around. He protected his sister by being the meanest son-of-a-b*tch on the block - at 5 years old. Given the rest of his history and what I knew of him personally, and also from what I know of my great-aunt (his sister), I'm as certain as I can be that he also abused his sister physically, emotionally, and sexually, and probably pimped her out as well. At some point she was badly beaten and was facially disfigured. I think there may have been some brain damage as well, though its hard for me to be sure given how young I was when she died. But there was a childlike quality about her that is redolent of certain kinds of brain damage, which I have witnessed since.
And no, an orphanage was not a better option. In many cases they were far worse options than fending for yourself on the streets. Knowing my grandfather, I'm sure they ate a lot better if nothing else. He was a mean son of a witch, but he was very effective at survival.
So I have no sympathy for women in this day and age, even in South Africa, who give up their children just to keep a man. No man is worth that - especially not a man who would require or even allow it.
The man is not worth a word that rhymes with spit.
Apparently YOU did not (read all the OP's posts). Because the grandmother who raised the OP was the maternal grandmother, and the mother was black passing for white.
Oh I did read it. That is how I knew the grandmother was white. She married a black man and the daughter (OP's mother) passed as white.
I also read the OP's post where the grandmother did in fact have to deal with crap because of her marriage and also because she took in her grandson.
While I don't understand the situation in South Africa, as a mother that has an adopted child given up by the birth parents, I do understand that sometimes it truly is done in the best interest of the child. I am not sure who interest was served in your being placed with your grandmother, she sounds like she was a wonderful person, too bad she isn't still around for your kids to know.
Knowing the little I know about SA, the mother was much better served (and the father, who could have gotten in trouble for a mixed marriage.)
My uncle (my dad's youngest brother) had a little get together at his place a few days ago. My parents were not invited, but my family and I were. I don't have a relationship with anyone from my dad's side except him. We first met at my wedding, where he apologised profusely about everything that happened.
Anyway my family and I had a great time at the get together. My uncle will starve your lungs of air when he has had a few drinks - an extremely funny man. My dad heard about the get together. Last night, he accused my uncle of "turning me against him" and of him "trying to claim me as his own."
The irony is off the charts here. The father is expressing resentment toward his brother for claiming the son he abandoned as his own? I think that comment alone would have set me off. Wishing the OP and his lovely young family every happiness.
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