Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My older brother and me were kicked out in our teens for being difficult as well. It turned out to be a great motivator for both of us, each of us were able to retire at a young age and now get to do what we love. Both of us have had pretty good lives and we have a strong sense of right and wrong. We developed many skills to manage and maintain and remodel our homes and taught our kids that this is MY house and you can only live here if you contribute and do as I SAY. My two other siblings were the pampered children and are as weak as a wet tissue. My sisters kids ran the house and she stupidly waited on them hand and foot as her health failed and they just keep demanding more. As adults now they struggle to adapt in a world that will not pamper and caress their fragile egos. I feel desperately sorry for this generation of kids and young adults, MOST of them have little sense of working to accomplish anything if they might actually sweat a little or miss something on their phone or work on the weekend. They only seem to care about their stupid phones and how pretty they look in their selfies and how many likes they can accumulate. A TOTALLY LOST GENERATION GOING NOWHERE FAST. My other sibling has a drinking problem and he is obsessed with being a tough guy. Him and my sister scammed the lions share of the family estate when my dementia riddled mother passed away and their lives have completely collapsed since then. I feel sorry for them, they are almost as materialistic as their children. Parenting is about loving your kids while still preparing them for a cruel world that will eat you up if you are not up to the challenges of life. It is not about trying to give them a Disneyland experience every day of the week.
Also, Mom said he's a server. Many, if not all, restaurant owners, chefs, etc. started out as servers. This may be the incentive for him to 'be more' or, even if he stays as a server he can climb up the ladder to manager. None of that will happen unless he is forced to evaluate his life and make some changes.
It was easier in my day but I left home at 16. Due to schooling and always taking advantage of classes offered by employers, I was able to succeed to the point where I have a decent retirement.
You know what my mom used to do, if my brother didn't take the trash out? She'd dump the trash on his bed. She figured if he wanted to sleep on trash, it was his problem, not hers.
Another time, she used to tell my dad and my brothers to please put on a shirt when at the dinner table. (We lived in Florida. It gets hot. LOL) Well, one day they came to the table with no shirt on, once again, so she took hers off. I can still see it clearly in my mind, my mom sitting at the table with a black bra on, just casually eating her dinner. LOL My dad and brothers blushed, got up, and went and put shirts on.
We had curfews. My brother (the same one) decided curfews were for the birds, he'd come home when he dang well felt like it. He got told about it...but he didn't care. Until he got locked out. Ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door did nothing. He ended up sleeping in his truck. Now...THAT one...my parents lost that battle. But they locked the door at curfew time, and if my brother made it home in time to sleep in his bed, OK. If not, OK.
My mom and dad had 5 kids. They rarely lost a battle to us. We learned to know that if they said something was the law...then dang it, it was the law. Proceed at your own risk, if you know what I mean.
Your son has not had to feel the consequences of his actions. Stand firm. He may rant and rave, but stand firm.
I love you’re mother it sounds so much like something I would do. Lol
I am very sad it has come to this. My son has lived with me since I divorced his dad 10 years ago. It's been very tough as a single parent and Lord knows I have not been perfect but I have done the best I can. He is now 19 and he does have a job.. it's only part time at roughly 25-35 hours per week, he does make good money (primarily in tips).
The issues I am having with him are (1) not helping around the house (2) not paying his rent for the last 2 months (3) smoking pot.
Not helping: His whole life he has had chores. As a teenager I regularly had to keep on him. The last 6 months at least he has been very lazy about pulling his weight and I just can't stand it anymore. 2 months ago I started asking him to clean his room. It's like a bomb went off in there - no joke. I ask nice, I leave post-it's, I text him, I leave letters, I beg him, I yell at him -- nothing works. It's maddening. I can't physically force him to do it and I feel I have tried all other angles. He says he will and never does... he just never gets to it and always has a reason. Same applies to his bathroom. Repeatedly I ask and it took forever before he finally did a half-assed cleaning in there.
Not paying his rent: He probably brings home more than I do, just so you all know, or at least he has the potential to if he doesn't take a bunch of time off. I didn't make him start paying rent right at his 18th birthday but closer to 19. He does not agree but I feel he should not get to live completely rent-free, that THAT is not teaching him about bills in the real world. His rent was $200 and when mine went up, I raised his to $300 + $50 for utilities. I pay all the water, buy food, was helping with his car insurance on a car that I provided with NO car payment (until he bought his own car). He actually has use of TWO bedrooms because he sleeps in the spare room since he outgrew his loft bed. He dirties that one up as well, although not as bad. The last 2 months money seems to have been tight for him, although aside from a couple of speeding tickets which he hasn't had to pay yet, I'm not entirely sure what he has spent it all on. So I cut him a little slack but told him he needs to make an effort.
Smoking pot: In general I don't have a huge issue with marijuana, but when it gets to the point when they smoke daily or it seems like they use it to escape, then I think there's an issue that should be addressed. That's where he is at. He does not smoke in the house, but he smokes it daily and I suspect he drives after having smoked, although maybe not immediately. He will leave to go to his friends house in the middle of the night for a bit, and they smoke there. It's disruptive to my sleep because I hear him and then I worry until he is in safe. He knows he smokes to much and has tried to stop several times but always caves in. He hides it from his girlfriend (somehow)... It's not my thing and I'm just tired of the exposure it and to his USE of it.
On Thursday he was in his room sitting on a pile of dirty clothes talking to his gf. I asked him when he was going to clean his room. He said 'now is not the best time for this conversation' and I said 'I think it's the perfect time for it.' I was actually hoping that perhaps saying it in front of his gf would prompt her to talk some sense into him. It was a short conversation and she ended up putting her shoes on and leaving, followed by him blaming me for making her uncomfortable. What? NO not the case, I asked her later. Just excuse after excuse after excuse.
That night I typed up a 3-day notice to him stipulating he had until Sunday evening to (1) finish cleaning his bathroom (2) clean his room thoroughly (2) contribute something to his past due rent and if he did NOT complete these things he would be out within a month period. 3 days. My email was concise (although with emotion because I'm just distraught we are on such completely different pages).
He ended up doing a little laundry and cleaned his room some - it's at about 50%. He didn't touch the bathroom and didn't present any rent money. He had plenty of off time. I asked him about it briefly and he was stand-offish and pretty rude to me, as if I was asking too much. I decided the next day I would type up a very basic 30-Day notice to move out and have him served by my office, which happens to be the sheriff dept. I wanted a strong male figure (or two) to not just assist me but to also try to talk to him and possibly offer some advice or words of wisdom. I wanted him to know I am serious and am not going to be taken for granted anymore. He wasn't going to open the door and I told him they had my permission to go in if he did not.
This really pissed him off, let me tell you. He sent me a text saying "how can I even call you a mother with this power play" and that I "no longer have a son" and how I am teaching him how NOT to raise his own kids. I don't think he truly means all these things but it really hurts and I am very sad. I don't know what else he expects me to do. Yeah I suppose I could have just posted the notice on both bedroom doors only to have him rip them off and NOT take me seriously rather than having law enf serve him, but I felt THAT would be more impactful. I know I have been too soft and that's why I am in this position, but it's not like he didn't know exactly what I wanted from him and in exactly what timeline. I hate that there is this awful tension in the house but I have to put my foot down. I have to respect myself enough to not let him walk all over me, even if it means moving him out of the house when he is unprepared. I dislike confrontation and dislike not communicating with him daily and telling him I love him, as the idea of something happening to one of us before we get this all resolved is just a horrible thought. We aren't really on speaking terms though at the moment. It's just all very sad. I guess I am just needing to vent a little and looking for some commiseration. This is very hard.
I don't understand the 30 day notice.
Couldn't you have just told him that verbally?
No one serves a legal notice to their child to get out of their home.
You have alot to salvage here, wow. He's only 19 years old.
You were way out of line treating him as if he is some stranger.
That is a way to loudly say "I DON'T LOVE YOU"
You don't hate the tension that much, imho.
He may be depressed and you don't know it.
He may be in the beginning states of schizoprenia like our son was at that age
Thank GOD I never did this too him since it would take 4-5 years longer
to see what was going on.
What if he commits suicide?
I am over-whelmed with the meanness of this all.
He's still a teenager. You are not.
If you need the $$, then raise his rent.
Tell him you will need to move someone else in to make the bills.
He understands that.
These legal notices are cruel.
He's an adult paying rent so let his room be.
It's not your room, it is his
Blessings to you, and I hope you are able to salvage this relationship
that would make me cautious of my own mother for life.
What a silly thing to sever a mother and son relationship over.
Apologize profusely. Give him a hug
Be civil. Tell him he owes "this much rent" or yes, you can help him move out.
because you are going broke and need the $$
No choice.
Last edited by ByeFelicia.; 09-29-2018 at 01:35 PM..
IMO it refreshing to see someone who is actively parenting - even if that means giving a push out of the nest - instead of complaining after letting their "child" stay in the house 15-20 years beyond their scheduled launch date.
You're forgetting something. They lost a whole decade of their relationship.
He didn't speak with his own parents for 10 years
This is not to be praised for Gods sakes
If you are always going to treat your child like a child then they will always be a child. The best lessons I have learned in life were in the hardest situations imaginable. I have survived deadly illness twice in my life and the deep lessons I learned during those times are priceless. One time doctors were never able to figure out why I lost 65lbs in 3+ years, I would be dead by now if some unknown healing had not happened. The divide in this country seems to fall in the area of wimps who want everything easy peasy and the rest of us who know how to get of our azz and get things done. If you want socialism move somewhere else and leave our tried and true system alone. Weak wimpy people are trying to be the death of this great country. Go to Europe, Venezuela, or Cuba if you don't like capitalism. We are about equal OPPORTUNITY not equal outcomes, it depends on YOUR efforts to achieve a good life.
If you are always going to treat your child like a child then they will always be a child. The best lessons I have learned in life were in the hardest situations imaginable. I have survived deadly illness twice in my life and the deep lessons I learned during those times are priceless. One time doctors were never able to figure out why I lost 65lbs in 3+ years, I would be dead by now if some unknown healing had not happened. The divide in this country seems to fall in the area of wimps who want everything easy peasy and the rest of us who know how to get of our azz and get things done. If you want socialism move somewhere else and leave our tried and true system alone. Weak wimpy people are trying to be the death of this great country. Go to Europe, Venezuela, or Cuba if you don't like capitalism. We are about equal OPPORTUNITY not equal outcomes, it depends on YOUR efforts to achieve a good life.
Oh my. where did all this come from?
This is a teenager who is paying rent and who happens to have a messy room
So many families are in dis-array due to a lack of love.
Heck we have people here praising others for causing their relationships with their loved ones to be severed for an entire decade!
This lack of love causes MUCH poverty and much less independence, people.
The point is he HASN'T been paying rent but spending his money on weed, not cleaning his room - which could become a health hazard or invite bugs and generally ignoring rules. Read the ops post.
First sentence of the Op "I am very sad it has come to this. My son has lived with me since I divorced his dad 10 years ago."
I guess if you've already severed a relationship,
with the one you promised to love, honor, and obey
until death do you part,
handing him a divorce decree,
and now handing your son a 30 day notice to move
Must be easy peasy
You have a knack for this legal stuff
against loved ones
Instead apologize for the divorce.
Compliment him for holding a job
even making more $$ than you do at age 19
Compliment him for not already being married
with a child on the way
and not divorced like you
praise him for his job.
The fact he can hold it
praise him for his strengths
tell him you will straighten yourself up
and are sorry for the trauma you've caused him
with your bad decisions
If all your sins were limited to "not paying enough rent" and "a messy room"
you'd be doing a hell of alot better
No reason your son would continue to even bother with you.
Seems you toss your loved one's out like rag dolls
If he's smart
he won't trust you
The point is he HASN'T been paying rent but spending his money on weed, not cleaning his room - which could become a health hazard or invite bugs and generally ignoring rules. Read the ops post.
he hasn't paid enough rent.
He needs to do this as she cannot afford the home otherwise
her rent increased
and he is making more $$ than her
She needs to get a room-mate
She will be destitute here any day if more $$ doesn't come in
this is how it should've been explained to him
"His rent was $200 and when mine went up, I raised his to $300 + $50 for utilities. I pay all the water, buy food, was helping with his car insurance on a car that I provided with NO car payment (until he bought his own car). He actually has use of TWO bedrooms because he sleeps in the spare room since he outgrew his loft bed. He dirties that one up as well, although not as bad. The last 2 months money seems to have been tight for him, although aside from a couple of speeding tickets which he hasn't had to pay yet, I'm not entirely sure what he has spent it all on. So I cut him a little slack but told him he needs to make an effort."
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
