Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My actions are appalling? My bad choices cost him a decent father for life? What?? I’m sorry, but I don’t have THAT much power.
I’ve lost 10 years with my son? No. He has spent 10 years being a child of divorced parents, but that does not equal 10 years “lost” with him.
I’ve deprived him of a normal life? Excuse me but wtf do you know about the rest of our lives? Huh? Did I go into this at all? What YOU know is I got a divorce, so it would appear you are basing much of your comments on that. Well I’m sorry but I wasn’t going to stay with that man any longer after what I went through, and btw had I stayed with him I would only be teaching my children that THAT is the way women should be treated. No.
I should apologize for charging him rent? Lol, okay. Yeah I’m not doing that. Some of the rent I did collect from him for a whopping 6 months went right into savings for him anyway, EVEN THOUGH bills are tight for me.
The dispicable things I’ve done throughout his life? Okay. I’m done addressing your post. I totally get that not everyone here will agree with me and I can take it. You though, you are over the top. You are saying all sorts of BS that you know nothing about. So, yeah. Have a good day.
Yes, you have and did have, much power in this life. Don't try to squirm out of it. Take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. Quit obsessing upon him taking responsibility for his actions...which he has done to a much further extent ...than you.
1. You made the choice to marry what you tell us... is a rat of a guy. Who wants someone like you describe as a father? Yet you act as if marrying him wasn’t your decision. You were forced to marry the guy? I think not. This is your doing
2. Typing up your son a 3 day notice. Who in their right mind does this? Because the last few months he hasn’t paid enough rent, keeps his room messy, smokes pot OUTSIDE the home and not in the presence of his girlfriend because ehe needs to “escape” as you put it. He does some housework if you nag. Honestly, our son did very little housework at that age. It was rare. And…”Escape” from what regarding marijuana use? my guess is it’s a relative.
3. Emailing your son. For Goodness sakes, this is YOUR son. Don't kick him out via email
4. Not being a role model for him. Not being able to hold your marriage together whether your fault or not, you married him willfully thus providing a rotten father. So that is on you.Anyone who is a rotten spouse is a rotten parent as modeling loving healthy relationships is part of being a parent
5. Mentioning strengths as weakness. That he likely makes more $$ than you do. Why is that? Why do you need the rent so bad? This is not good either.
6. Did you ever find a loving, healthy relationship, a father figure for your son since providing him a rotten example of a husband and father? I heard of no one in the picture. Yet he’s able to, at 19, hold a relationship with a girl who is against marijuana use. Or he’d be doing it in front of her. Sounds like he made a good choice. He makes good money and holds a relationship as of yet.
7. No apologies made to your son, not that you’ve included in your posts so far. It’s all his fault. He’s an enigma. No one talks about their teenager this way who has it so good. He’s not divorced like you, he’s not had a child now in a broken home, he’s not as poor as you and can hold a relationship. praise him! He’s only 19 and has accomplished a lot compared to you.
I don’t see these high standards of yours as logical. Coming from someone who has much lower standards for themselves, it isn't making sense. You are still in communication so you can turn this around. Love isn’t a word, it’s an action. Your other thread has you refusing to talk to others also so I'll be leaving. Good luck. Again, I am rooting for you to turn this around
I never commented upon whether she should or shouldn't have divorced. I commented upon her bad decisions as a whole which has ruined this kids life. She has a teenager yet hasn't been able to financially provide for him. She is needing to ask him for $$ for rent. I didn't point this out until now.
A 19 year old who has the ability to hold a good job, pay rent for the majority of the time (except the last few months) who didn't get knocked up, divorced, serve his own son a 3 day notice then a 30 day notice like Mom has....should be praised.
She talk as if he's an enigma instead of being proud he didn't turn out like her.
Hence why this makes no sense except her fear of not being able to pay the rent. And maybe jealousy of him.She hasn't been able to achieve a good job so needs help with rent so needs to rely on her teenager. All while bad-mouthing and threatening him. Something is amiss with this lady. She should probably see a Counselor for a diagnosis. But yes, he should be paying more rent as she needs the $$.
You may want to read the thread, she included the link. Then you'll know more before responding
If you weren’t serious I would find your post humorous.
I haven’t been able to achieve a good job? Um, I work for the County. I mean, yea, the pay could be better but I have benefits and retirement and I take care of myself. Sorry but I consider that a good job. Too damn bad it doesn’t meet YOUR qualifications.
I’m jealous of him? Haha, sorry but that IS funny. Yeah, I’m jealous.. you got me. I’m actually am very proud of him. He knows this. We have talked about his job a lot since he started. He is a great worker, they love him there, and he makes great money. Speaking of money, the reason he makes (or has the potential to make) more money than me is because he makes great tips. Anyone who has worked in the restaurant industry knows how this is. Tips can be very GOOD. So there is NO reason he should not be able to contribute a small amount of money for the 2 rooms he occupied. And furthermore, how am I preparing him for the real world by letting him live free of any contribution? Free rent, utilities, food, internet, TV... really? Nevermind, don’t answer that.
That must have been hard but you are doing the right thing. Just remember that if you let him back in all of this pain and heartache will have been for nothing. He will stay just like this and you will have raised a child instead of an adult.
...You explained the situation with your ex. So your bad choices cost him a decent father for life. He went through trauma unlike anything imaginable and he is still just a teenager. You owe him those years. What you did is FAR WORSE than what he's done as a teen....
Seriously, this makes no sense. Are you talking as of this was 1950 and we blame the wife/ mother for all the family problems? I don't think you're advice is very helpful to the OP! Every family is different. What works for you obviously does not work for the her.
OP It sounds like your situation is very difficult. You have done the best for your son as you have seen it with the information you have. Don't let your son move in now.
He is uncomfortable because you won't let him act as if he still in high school (Good for you!) without adult responsibilities. His discomfort will teach him what he needs to do to take care of his own needs and wants. It will be hard on him and you.
Be be willing to talk with him away from your home. Communicate to him your love. Send loving texts to him, saying you're thinking of him. Or send him a card to let him know you care.
Be patient and kind to yourself and to your son. You can communicate him that although your home isn't open to him, you are.
If she had followed the landlord tenant laws when he stopped paying rent he would have been kicked out a long time ago instead of being given so many chances. To suggest if he were smart he would hire a lawyer (what what money btw?) to sue his mom over this makes me wonder if you are a very, very strange person.
Agree with this post 95% except the strange person comment
Apparently the Teen has some money.
Or more than the mother per her posts (his tips+wages) but going to court against your own mother in this situation would be very bad. An eye for an eye never gets anyone anywhere except to blind the both of them
Short of joining the military, I was in no financial position to take care of myself at 19. I'm very happy that my parents let me live with them until I was 20 and contribute what I could until I was able to put my life in order. We now have a great relationship and I owe a lot of my success to them. Have no read the previous thread yet, but I will later today
Yes, you have and did have, much power in this life. Don't try to squirm out of it. Take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. Quit obsessing upon him taking responsibility for his actions...which he has done to a much further extent ...than you.
1. You made the choice to marry what you tell us... is a rat of a guy. Who wants someone like you describe as a father? Yet you act as if marrying him wasn’t your decision. You were forced to marry the guy? I think not. This is your doing
2. Typing up your son a 3 day notice. Who in their right mind does this? Because the last few months he hasn’t paid enough rent, keeps his room messy, smokes pot OUTSIDE the home and not in the presence of his girlfriend because ehe needs to “escape” as you put it. He does some housework if you nag. Honestly, our son did very little housework at that age. It was rare. And…”Escape” from what regarding marijuana use? my guess is it’s a relative.
3. Emailing your son. For Goodness sakes, this is YOUR son. Don't kick him out via email
4. Not being a role model for him. Not being able to hold your marriage together whether your fault or not, you married him willfully thus providing a rotten father. So that is on you.Anyone who is a rotten spouse is a rotten parent as modeling loving healthy relationships is part of being a parent
5. Mentioning strengths as weakness. That he likely makes more $$ than you do. Why is that? Why do you need the rent so bad? This is not good either.
6. Did you ever find a loving, healthy relationship, a father figure for your son since providing him a rotten example of a husband and father? I heard of no one in the picture. Yet he’s able to, at 19, hold a relationship with a girl who is against marijuana use. Or he’d be doing it in front of her. Sounds like he made a good choice. He makes good money and holds a relationship as of yet.
7. No apologies made to your son, not that you’ve included in your posts so far. It’s all his fault. He’s an enigma. No one talks about their teenager this way who has it so good. He’s not divorced like you, he’s not had a child now in a broken home, he’s not as poor as you and can hold a relationship. praise him! He’s only 19 and has accomplished a lot compared to you.
I don’t see these high standards of yours as logical. Coming from someone who has much lower standards for themselves, it isn't making sense. You are still in communication so you can turn this around. Love isn’t a word, it’s an action. Your other thread has you refusing to talk to others also so I'll be leaving. Good luck. Again, I am rooting for you to turn this around
OP should not worry about her son taking responsibility?? He needs responsibility and he isn't listening to her. Nor was he respecting her rules to live in her home.
Also, because she didn't have a good relationship with the father, it's her fault that the husband is a rat? People get married not fully knowing who their spouse really is. It means they are human, not a bad person.
And you say she is to blame for not finding someone to marry to give him a step-father? Really?? What is he was a rat too?
The OP is responsible for herself, not her husband. She gave her son a months notice not 3 days. Plus, she had discussed what he needed to do in order to live there. It is her home and her responsibility to teach him responsibility. As I said in my other post to the OP, it is not smart to let him live as if he was still in high school without I need to take care of himself.
And that is what she is trying to teach him in this decision. Again, OP keep doing what you're doing as hard as it is.
Last edited by Wild Flower; 10-29-2018 at 12:15 PM..
Typing up your son a 3 day notice. Who in their right mind does this? Because the last few months he hasn’t paid enough rent, keeps his room messy...
REAL landlords do that. It's the first step in dealing with a problem tenant. (And that's exactly what a tenant who doesn't pay rent on time and keeps the premises filthy is!) The next step is an eviction notice. The OP's son ought to be damned grateful that his Mom isn't following the formal legal rules (as per Frotsnip's complaint), because if she had he'd have a real eviction on his record, and no reputable landlord would ever rent to him. At least now he'll be able to rent a nice place once he gets sick of living with Dad (or when Dad in turn tosses him out on his ear for not paying his rent).
The OP's son is no longer a child, and she would not be doing him a favor by continuing to treat him as one (as you would have her do). Adults need to earn money, pay their bills, and keep their living quarters reasonably sanitary. He's managing to do #1, but has failed miserably on numbers 2 and 3. Now he's no longer going to be able to exploit Mom in order to evade adult responsibilities. It will be a tough adjustment at first, but it's essential in the long run that he learn he can't leech on others indefinitely.
If you weren’t serious I would find your post humorous.
I haven’t been able to achieve a good job? Um, I work for the County. I mean, yea, the pay could be better but I have benefits and retirement and I take care of myself. Sorry but I consider that a good job. Too damn bad it doesn’t meet YOUR qualifications.
I don't see anything humorous about this situation or the comments.
Your job meets my qualifications just fine thank you. It sounds about the same level of job I hold. So nothing was said of the sort except by you. My comment was in relation to your own saying he likely makes more money than you. That is a good thing, it is a strength.
Quote:
I’m jealous of him? Haha, sorry but that IS funny. Yeah, I’m jealous.. you got me. I’m actually am very proud of him. He knows this. We have talked about his job a lot since he started. He is a great worker, they love him there, and he makes great money. Speaking of money, the reason he makes (or has the potential to make) more money than me is because he makes great tips. Anyone who has worked in the restaurant industry knows how this is. Tips can be very GOOD. So there is NO reason he should not be able to contribute a small amount of money for the 2 rooms he occupied.
I agree 100% and am glad you acknowledge his very well liked and is a hard worker. Might be playing into part of the reason he doesn't so so much housework. Or he isn't healthy and is unaware but working himself to the bone. It's hard to know.
Quote:
And furthermore, how am I preparing him for the real world by letting him live free of any contribution? Free rent, utilities, food, internet, TV... really? Nevermind, don’t answer that.
I don't know about that. Maybe you meant to direct that to someone else. I agreed he should contribute to his rent, more-so since you need the money. Congratulations on your job with benefits while raising your son.
Last edited by BumbleBeeHunter; 10-29-2018 at 12:29 PM..
REAL landlords do that. It's the first step in dealing with a problem tenant. (And that's exactly what a tenant who doesn't pay rent on time and keeps the premises filthy is!) The next step is an eviction notice. The OP's son ought to be damned grateful that his Mom isn't following the formal legal rules (as per Frotsnip's complaint), because if she had he'd have a real eviction on his record, and no reputable landlord would ever rent to him. At least now he'll be able to rent a nice place once he gets sick of living with Dad (or when Dad in turn tosses him out on his ear for not paying his rent).
He is not a tenant. He is her teenage son. There is nothing to be appreciative of that a mother isn't serving her teenage son an eviction notice. That's crazy talk.
Quote:
The OP's son is no longer a child, and she would not be doing him a favor by continuing to treat him as one (as you would have her do). Adults need to earn money, pay their bills, and keep their living quarters reasonably sanitary. He's managing to do #1, but has failed miserably on numbers 2 and 3. Now he's no longer going to be able to exploit Mom in order to evade adult responsibilities. It will be a tough adjustment at first, but it's essential in the long run that he learn he can't leech on others indefinitely.
He is a teenager. He is holding a job which she indicates, likely, provides pretty good earnings.
It's a very physical job yet he is known as a good worker. He doesn't act as a child, clearly, no reason to treat him as one. If she actually did treat him as a child, she wouldn't be acting as she does, right? There would be more compassion than there is. Though there needs to be some compassion since he is still very young. Most teenagers do not pay rent. They are allowed those few years.
We don't usually expect our teenagers to pay rent, it sorta feels like leeching off your own teenager. Though if I needed the $$, I'd have asked our son too. He also made more money. He was in his early twenties making $22 per hr working for Apple from home. He only paid for our internet which needed to be very high speed (which is re-imbursed at $50 mo. by Apple) We charged him nothing until he completed College and held down this good job for some yrs. Began working for Apple in college at $18 an hour about 9 years ago p/t Also a hard worker like her son so there was no issue of "teaching" him in that way. He just bought a home last year. We provided 70% of the down payment AFTER he put his own funding down, re-imbursing him 70% when inheritance came in.
He moved out when we decided to charge him rent. He now has a nice nest egg which maybe the op's son is trying for. You never know.
Last edited by BumbleBeeHunter; 10-29-2018 at 12:33 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
except the strange person comment
