I'm convinced my friends are spoiling their son (legal, punish, parents)

[Jackyfrost01]

Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner

To all of you who are parents, whose children didn't need therapy/medication, etc.

As parents, what did you do in terms of discipline and correction when a sibling hit another just as in the scenario I described?

And regardless of whether I am best off staying away because they're not my children: do you truly consider it wise parenting for a parent to do absolutely NOTHING other than to be a spectator as one child hits siblings because they got in the way of his playing? Such as when Bobby slapped his (now) 2 year old brother for taking his toys or his older sister last week?

If you REALLY think it's fine parenting to do NOTHING... I raise my hand.

You have to understand that as a parent, especially in public, your hands are tied as to what you can really do at the moment. Sometimes a parent has to pick their battles and deal with it all later in private.

Anything a parent does is and can be considered child abuse and can cause alot of unneccessary troubles for everyone. Nosey, overly worried busybodies are quick to call the poilce and stick their noses where they don't know whats going on, so many times, as a parent, you have to let things go until you can get the kids in the car or home and them let em have the verbal lashing they need.

In public is not the place for a parent to do his/her disciplining. So what you think may be some kid getting away with whatever, in fact they are only getting away with it for the time being. What happens behind closed doors in a few minutes may change your mind about that.

Parents know what they are doing. People with the quickest child rearing advice tend to be people with no kids. It always seems easier to the outsider looking in, than the person whose already "inside" and sees things in a much different way, which often includes things the outsider doesn't see or understand at the time.

[hypocore]

Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner

To all of you who are parents, whose children didn't need therapy/medication, etc.

As parents, what did you do in terms of discipline and correction when a sibling hit another just as in the scenario I described?

And regardless of whether I am best off staying away because they're not my children: do you truly consider it wise parenting for a parent to do absolutely NOTHING other than to be a spectator as one child hits siblings because they got in the way of his playing? Such as when Bobby slapped his (now) 2 year old brother for taking his toys or his older sister last week?

If you REALLY think it's fine parenting to do NOTHING... I raise my hand.

All 4 of my kids are normal every day kids and I've also been in child care for almost 20 years, so my experience is fairly vast in the matter of young children.

There is not a one size fits all answer to your question.

There are indeed times where a child hits another where the best route is to let it be unless it escalates to someone getting hurt. Between siblings this can be especially true when you are letting them learn how to stand up for themselves and learn how to problem solve together. Add to the mix whatever previous incidents had occurred prior to your arrival that might play into a parent's decision at that time.

As a parent, we also tend to learn our children very well and usually know when to step in and when to wait.

An example would be my two older daughters, now 27 and 22. The younger of the two learned very early how to push her sister's buttons. It was common occurrence for her to sneak a hit to sis and when sis hit back she'd make all sorts of noise and the blame would likely fall to the older one. It also didn't take US long to figure that out and to understand that big sis was really just defending herself. haha

So, our goal was to try to get the older one to solve the issues by not reacting as she did, and instead learn to anticipate her little sister's antics. That means, if you were in our house and little sis was hit by big sis, you would expect us to take action and big sis would be in trouble. That would definitely not happen and unless you asked directly about it, we wouldn't have thought another thing about it.

PS. The older still has never learned to not react to her younger sister pushing her buttons, although it has never really been physical between them.....

[phonelady61]

okay here goes I must agree with the person who says stay away . I agree whole heartedly . I often went to friends homes where the children are terrible spoiled brats and the mother would also do nothing but laugh and say "kids gotta love em" . Uh excuse me ? No I dont have to love your kids . your kids are spoiled and they are running your friends away because you cannot even have an adult conversation without them screaming at the top of their lungs .I no longer have some of these friends because they dont seem or could not seem to understand that I no longer want to visit with you because your kids are awfull to be around . I agree stay away from them and bow out gracefully you will save yourself many a heartache .

[TouchOfWhimsy]

It's really not your problem. Stay out of it. (And I second the poster who pointed out that there are quite a few childless perfect parents. )

[NicoleJ]

Sprawling, I want to say bow out b/c eventually you're going to get so p/o'd that you won't want to be friends w/ the parents (been there, done that). On the other hand, it sounds like you're one of the good influences, so...

I have 3 kids. I can't STAND it when people who don't have kids think they know better - unless they do or are seeing something I'm not. As in your case. I'm actually shocked that so many people are saying that in this case. I mean you're ASKING for advice and obviously hurting over what's going on.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

[suzie02]

First I didn't read the previous thread. So if there are important points please summarize.

Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner

As parents, what did you do in terms of discipline and correction when a sibling hit another just as in the scenario I described?

I feel very strongly about this subject since I was the sibling that got hit all the time. For years I thought my father didn't care that my sister hit me. My self esteem was on the floor. I really thought there was something wrong with me. It wasn't until I was in my 20's that a therapist suggested that I ask my father why he didn't believe me. I actually never though the issue was not being believed, I thought he didn't care I was being hit. I was shocked when I heard my fathers response. He has two sisters. The younger one repeatedly purposely cried to get the older one in trouble. For years he assumed I was doing the same thing.

Who knows what is going on these parents minds?

Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner

And regardless of whether I am best off staying away because they're not my children: do you truly consider it wise parenting for a parent to do absolutely NOTHING other than to be a spectator as one child hits siblings because they got in the way of his playing? Such as when Bobby slapped his (now) 2 year old brother for taking his toys or his older sister last week?

If you REALLY think it's fine parenting to do NOTHING... I raise my hand.

Nobody says it is fine parenting. What everyone is saying is that you can not do anything about it. It is just like watching a loved one doing drugs. You know they are going down but you can not stop them.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

This is my final post in this thread.

I'd like to thank everybody who replied, even those who told me to mind my own business, because you are not wrong. This is ultimately not my problem.

Having said this, I'd like to clarify that I'm not just a casual visitor to this house. Here are a few facts that show that not only am I a good friend of Susan's father, but also somebody whom Susan's parents trust with their children:

- I have babysat the 3 children a few times at their request.
- I have, at Susan's dad's request, helped her with her schoolwork (one time it involved a research project and it required Susan to find online articles. Both of Susan's parents are not Internet savvy folks. She got an A+.).
- I am a constant guest at their home; in fact, Susan's father called me Monday night to stop by just to hang out at my house, but I had plans.
- I was invited to, and was the only non-relative at Susan's church confirmation last year (other relatives didn't even come).
- Susan's father and I are both avid barbecuers, so spring and summer means lots of grilling. I've also had them over my place for dinners I prepared.
- On outings, sometimes with other married couples and other singles, I watched Susan; in fact, more than once, whether at an amusement park or a state park, as the kids "scattered" to play, guess which adult had a watchful eye, supervising them to ensure they'd be safe and within sight at all times?
- Susan's father has told me and other common friends of ours over drinks that there are only 3 men to whom Susan runs to hug hello when they arrive at their home: Susan's father himself, Susan's father's brother, and me. He has even stated that Susan's maternal uncles don't get this kind of warmth; and, his wife once remarked to me over laughs that her brothers are jealous of me because Susan likes me more than them.
- I jokingly asked Susan the other day who is her "favorite uncle in the whole wide world." Susan said that I'm #2, and that I "can't be #1 because uncle Johnny (Susan's father's brother) is #1."
- At Susan's father's request, I have picked up Susan from weekend extra school because his car broke down. Susan didn't know I was coming, but because I know how tight his schedule is, and because Susan's mother works late sometimes, it was imperative that somebody picked her up.

If Susan's parents didn't consider me a good friend and if Susan's father didn't trust me with the safety of his children (last summer I even brought Susan to my home ALONE for her to play videogames - she had a blast and he trusted me enough to be alone with his daughter in MY home)... do you guys blame me for not caring about this child?

Susan's mother, who isn't that close to me but with whom I'm friendly, has remarked to me (in front of her husband) that she was almost shocked at how good I am with kids. She didn't expect a bachelor to be so "handy" with children.

[ZugZub]

Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner

This is my final post in this thread.

I'd like to thank everybody who replied, even those who told me to mind my own business, because you are not wrong. This is ultimately not my problem.

Having said this, I'd like to clarify that I'm not just a casual visitor to this house. Here are a few facts that show that not only am I a good friend of Susan's father, but also somebody whom Susan's parents trust with their children:

- I have babysat the 3 children a few times at their request.
- I have, at Susan's dad's request, helped her with her schoolwork (one time it involved a research project and it required Susan to find online articles. Both of Susan's parents are not Internet savvy folks. She got an A+.).
- I am a constant guest at their home; in fact, Susan's father called me Monday night to stop by just to hang out at my house, but I had plans.
- I was invited to, and was the only non-relative at Susan's church confirmation last year (other relatives didn't even come).
- Susan's father and I are both avid barbecuers, so spring and summer means lots of grilling. I've also had them over my place for dinners I prepared.
- On outings, sometimes with other married couples and other singles, I watched Susan; in fact, more than once, whether at an amusement park or a state park, as the kids "scattered" to play, guess which adult had a watchful eye, supervising them to ensure they'd be safe and within sight at all times?
- Susan's father has told me and other common friends of ours over drinks that there are only 3 men to whom Susan runs to hug hello when they arrive at their home: Susan's father himself, Susan's father's brother, and me. He has even stated that Susan's maternal uncles don't get this kind of warmth; and, his wife once remarked to me over laughs that her brothers are jealous of me because Susan likes me more than them.
- I jokingly asked Susan the other day who is her "favorite uncle in the whole wide world." Susan said that I'm #2, and that I "can't be #1 because uncle Johnny (Susan's father's brother) is #1."
- At Susan's father's request, I have picked up Susan from weekend extra school because his car broke down. Susan didn't know I was coming, but because I know how tight his schedule is, and because Susan's mother works late sometimes, it was imperative that somebody picked her up.

If Susan's parents didn't consider me a good friend and if Susan's father didn't trust me with the safety of his children (last summer I even brought Susan to my home ALONE for her to play videogames - she had a blast and he trusted me enough to be alone with his daughter in MY home)... do you guys blame me for not caring about this child?

Susan's mother, who isn't that close to me but with whom I'm friendly, has remarked to me (in front of her husband) that she was almost shocked at how good I am with kids. She didn't expect a bachelor to be so "handy" with children.

That makes no difference, you still need to butt out. If you are babysitting the kids, that's one thing -- you're in the position where you should keep them from hurting each other. But if you're there when the parents are there, butt the heck out. It's not your concern.

[skahar]

Agreed, it's not your concern. You could try to discuss the matter with the father which is your close friend but be prepared as it could change your relationship. Most people don't take kindly to someone telling them their parenting is "wrong". Plenty of people are that close in their relationships but it still does not mean you can question their style unless of course it is abusive which this does not seem to be. Someday if ever you have children you will understand.

[Jackyfrost01]

Really if something is truly wrong, you should tell Child Services or the Police and let them decide what to do. You should never take matters into your own hands unless its a life saving move.