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Be very careful with different styles of discipline as kids quickly learn to be manipulative and play Mom and Dad off against each other to get what they want.
When ours were small and only one of us was there, whether Mom or Dad, and we had to discipline OR reward one of the children, we'd always tell the kid that we'd talk to our other half first. And after we did there was a united front so the kids couldn't play us off against the other. Sometimes they were frustrated or fearful at having to wait for answer, but it worked better for us that way. The only exceptions to this were when we were in some type of situation that demanded an immediate response from one of us, and those were few and far between.
My husband says i'm too lenient, I say he's too strict... how do you seasoned parents strike a balance so that it doesn't fuel an argument about parenting styles? And what effects, if any, do you think extreme parenting styles has on kids as they grow up? I don't think I'm too lenient. I think I'm fair, loving, and at times, very strict. My kids are often times the best behaved in playgroups, they are friendly, mostly polite, and playful. In the house, they push limits of course, don't clean up after themselves very often(they're 6 and 2 1/2). I just feel like my husband doesn't give me or them credit, all he sees is the craziness of the end of the day. He's a great, loving dad, but I think crazily strict. The kids love and respect him and he gets the job done when need be. But I get so frustrated that he gives them no wiggle room to make mistakes.... sorry for the rant, but I'm a little annoyed with him at times.
My husband was the same way for awhile. I over compensated. Finally we talked about it and I had to become the disciplinarian and he was the soft place for her to land. I told him, I will be more strict if you are less strict.
We had to remind each other to switch roles though. I would reprimand our kid and then he would comfort her.
It really turned out well. Whenever he felt the urge to scold her, he would tell me and I would take care of it. When I saw she was upset, I would tell him to go talk with her and cheer her up.
My husband says i'm too lenient, I say he's too strict... how do you seasoned parents strike a balance so that it doesn't fuel an argument about parenting styles? And what effects, if any, do you think extreme parenting styles has on kids as they grow up? I don't think I'm too lenient. I think I'm fair, loving, and at times, very strict. My kids are often times the best behaved in playgroups, they are friendly, mostly polite, and playful. In the house, they push limits of course, don't clean up after themselves very often(they're 6 and 2 1/2). I just feel like my husband doesn't give me or them credit, all he sees is the craziness of the end of the day. He's a great, loving dad, but I think crazily strict. The kids love and respect him and he gets the job done when need be. But I get so frustrated that he gives them no wiggle room to make mistakes.... sorry for the rant, but I'm a little annoyed with him at times.
As long as you are not actually undermining each other I actually think it is useful for kids to know, understand, and learn to adapt to the fact that different people have different boundaries.
For example if you are with your child and they have a hissy at the store, maybe you reason with your child. Next time hubby is at the store, maybe he leaves immediately. As long as neither of you is interfering with the others choice of how to handle the matter, than that is fine. If when you get home the hissy fit trip, explain the situation to dad, and he then changes the consequences (aka undermines) than that is an issue. Same way if dad had decided to ground kiddo, and you let them "out" when he isn't around, also undermining.
But there is nothing inherently wrong with having different lines in the sand, and different consequences. What we ultimately want is to raise adults who are capable of self control, there is absolutely more than one way to get there, and learning that different people have different expectations is an important lesson in and of itself.
I think parents need to make clear to each other what is extremely important to them. And then respect what the other has to say.
For me, respect and manners were very important and grades in school were a top priority. My husband does know this and will back me up on these points with the kids.
How you go about achieving both of your goals may be an individual thing but as long as you respect each other in the process it should work out just fine.
every parent has their own method of discipline. I was a widower at a very early age and raised the boys myself. there is no manual on what to do when a spouse suddenly makes the transistion.
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I was a pincher, always pinched the boys arm. that's just what i did when i was angry at them for what ever they did at the time. and they have gotten spanking from time to time, especially one of my sons who has put me to the test from time to time, yet he is the closest to me....figure that one out. if i said something in a really firm way in Greek, then they knew i wasn't playing..,..
but......................all 3 of my sons are college graduates, they have good jobs and are independent and we have a close relationship and I am soon to be a "papou", and if it is a boy it will be named after me, so i guess my pinching / spanking was not that big a deal after all.
If you let the kids get away with murder and he wouldn't let them breathe they're would be a problem. But in general parents don't always agree, and I don't think that alone has an effect on children.
My daughter is 6 and I don't allow her to eat junk food.
Her father occasionally takes her to McD's and I have to remember that once in a while is no big deal. This type of thing happens in divorces, if those kids can be okay, yours can too.
That being said, it can't hurt to talk to DH if you feel his methods are extreme.
Your children are going to run into people who will affect their lives with different styles of "discipline" their entire lives. Being exposed to different styles while still in the home isn't necessarily a bad thing -- it can prepare them for learning how to deal with very different types of personalities. As long as they know their parents both love them -- no matter what -- they will probably be fine. Extremes either direction aren't good for anyone, but it happens in real life all the time.
My husband and I do parent counceling/training and it helps us be on the same page. Otherwise our kids have us running in different directions and its chaos.
Also we talk a lot and agree on the rules and consequences. Cooperation is essential so there is give and take.
My hubby is super lenient. I think just because its easier and he works hard. I spend so much time with them I have to be more strict but its something that doesn't come naturally to me.
I think parents need to agree on certain rules. For example, the parents need to agree on the big things like spanking or not. Also, parents need to agree that certain rules, such as curfews and chores must be followed. As long as the parents agree on the big stuff, I think each parent should be allowed to parent the way the want. Just because mom wouldn't do it the way that dad does, doesn't mean dad is wrong. I tend to talk, talk, talk, talk about why I want my son to do the laundry and how to do the laundry, and if he doesn't do the laundry, I tend to ask why not, before doling out the consequences. My husband? Not so much talk. He'll tell my son to go do it and if he doesn't then X happens. Period. Either way, the laundry is done or my son suffers the consequences (which we've agreed on). How each of us (meaning my husband and me) gets my son to that point is as individual as we are.
It is this very same philosophy which I agree with 100% and would have no problem with except that during my marriage my ex felt I had to have the EXACT same mindset as her at all times!! To her a different style of parenting was considered a betrayal. (??????) Even though I didn't go against any of the major guidelines we had already agreed on or established. She felt if she said yes to something arbitrary then the answer following should always be yes. I had my reasons for saying no and stated them quite clearly, but the dispute would continue USUALLY IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.
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