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My in laws are like this. There was one christmas (they do a gift exchange) and I was the only one left out of it since I was just a fiance (meanwhile the other fiances (to be sister in laws) were included wtf?). Anyhow luckily we're married now and moved away and rarely see them. When my husband deploys they never call me--its like I don't exist. They even come into town (1500 miles) to visit my husband's brother and fail to see us and we live 40 min away.
Its pretty bad still.... but I always remember when I have guilty feelings like "I" need to do more or "I" cant change them-but I can react differently to their BS that we must never make a "priority" to the people who make us an "option". Be happy, focus on the life you have with your spouse and forget the losers. It takes waaaay too much energy to analyze everything (trust me I used to spend a ton of energy trying to figure them out, trying to figure out what I need to do to have them like me).
Very good points. I believe in every family there are the siblings the parents cater to and run to appease, then there are the ones who are 'black sheep' for no good reason.
My husband and I are the lowest priority in both our families...whenever we interact with our families the focus is immediately on another sibling (OR their children) who are far more intelligent or whatever than us or our son.
You learn to just deal with it in your own way. Eventually you realize you can't change people, only your reaction to them. Take yourself out of the picture and be happier.
I have no problem locking horns with my MIL, I'd just send cards and packages back to her in the future "John DOE and family" making sure I bolded and capitalized her daughter's new married name.
Don't need the wifey having a talk with mom on my behalf either, if something needs to be said she'll hear it directly from me.
I learnt long ago that your in-laws are on your spouses side FIRST and foremost. You come second. Your interests do not matter as much as their sons/daughters. In laws can be kind, lovely, wonderful - but if you make them choose, they ain't going to choose you. Get used to it. And enjoy it when YOUR family come over.......Oh and thank God for friends, the family WE get to choose for ourselves.
My in-laws loved me until their son actually followed through and married me, thats when the abuse started. My in-laws are from a different country, so when they come to visit, they stay for months at a time. Their last 3 month stay resulted in my MIL not letting me sleep, not letting me enter my own kitchen, I wasnt allowed to leave the house (my house) without permission, couldnt talk on the phone, had to wait on my in-laws hand and foot, and call my MIL "Mother". Thats not mentioning the quarrels, me kicking them out of the house, my MIL throwing things at me and cussing me out, and all of those goodies, and I absolutely refuse to call her "mother". I have my own mother, and she actually likes me. To this day, I refuse to let my in-laws set foot in our house. My husband, on the other hand, falls hard for his mom's guilt trips and is always trying to force us to reconcile.
In the beginning, when we were planning the wedding, my MIL threw a monkey wrench into the planning, and I attempted to just ignore it and not play into her childish game. However, that ended quick when she told my husband right before we said our vows, that he was making a huge mistake, and that I was a horrible human being (this is the nice version sans expletives). She cut me out of all of the wedding photos, and continues to talk a whole bunch of mess about me to the rest of my husband's family, even going so far as to try and break my husband and I up. That is why I took it upon myself to confront her, and then forbid her from contacting me, or coming to our house.
And she STILL tries to start things! We get Christmas cards from my in-laws that are only addressed to my husband, that include pictures of single women that my in-laws are trying to hook my husband up with. Women have called our house, after being given the telephone number by my mother-in-law, to try and set up a meeting with my husband (my husband's family was born in India, but lived in the Middle East for the last 20 years, so they do believe in arranged marriages, hence the pictures and phonecalls from women my husband has never met). When holidays roll around, my in-laws will even send gifts to our two dogs, but nothing for me. Its completely ridiculous. Theres neither time nor space for me to keep going on about the many things my in-laws have done.
I wish your wife would stick up for you. I wish my husband would stick up for me, but his culture has taught him to feel endebted to his mother for giving him life, therefore it would be a very attrocious thing if he stood up to her.
This reminds me of my grandmother. When we lived near my relatives, my grandmother would do things like this. She was so nosey!!! She'd come over when she thought no one was home and use her key and go through our cabinets and things. We knew it was her because she has a "smell" about her (not a bad one... but it just smells like her...) and things would be rearranged, and later she'd sometimes let things slip... like asking why we had condoms when my husband had a vasectomey (how on earth would she know we have condoms if she hadn't been snooping?) Anyway... Once I was home alone, the kids and their dad were out, and I
<Snipped>
When I was younger and single my mother used to do things like this. I got soooooooooooooo sick of it. OMG. I finally took matters into my own hands after realizing it wasn't going to stop without direct intervention and no amount of "talk" had done any good.
The next time I had an idea she was going to show up (I lived 2 hours away), I went to the local sex shop and bought the biggest ***** I could find. Like a 24 inch double headed jobber. I hid it all the way in the back of my underwear drawer so she had to LOOK to find it.
Mama and my brother who was about 17ish at the time showed up for the visit. I was on TDY for the Air National Guard and living in a hotel at the time. She sent me and my brother for some Ice so she could snoop. I knew that was what she was going to do so I just happily left her to it. When I came back she was sitting on the edge of the bed with her hands clasp in front of her as white as a sheet. Twenty years later... to this day she has NEVER, EVER snooped through my stuff after that.
The next time I had an idea she was going to show up (I lived 2 hours away), I went to the local sex shop and bought the biggest ***** I could find. Like a 24 inch double headed jobber.
LOL! I know this is off topic, but that's some "toy." Why (and how) the heck anyone would use something THAT big is beyond me. Sounds comical.
this is one reason we have nothing to do with anyone in our family especially at the holidays . we never buy anybody anything and yet they insist on buying for us . so anything we get I have my husband put back on their porch when they are not home . I mean they know that we dont do christmas and yet they insist on buying us gifts , nope we dont allow it . You think they would catch on by now , but no they just keep doing it .
LOL! I know this is off topic, but that's some "toy." Why (and how) the heck anyone would use something THAT big is beyond me. Sounds comical.
I have no idea... but I can assure you she has NEVER snooped in my stuff again. It didn't improve her treatment of me nor did it create any respect. But it was one little step for me.
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