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My sister was married and divorced 20 years ago - no kids. She married again and has three kids, 4, 7 and 11. I assumed she had discussed her previous marriage with her kids, but she emailed me today and wants advice how to broach the subject.
She said the older two children have many classmates whose parents have divorced and they tell her many times how glad they are that she and daddy stay married. She tells me THAT is the reason she hasn't told them about her 1st marriage - she's afraid they will think if mommy divorced once, she might do it again. The 11-year-old is approaching middle school, tends to be the worry-wart and sis is concerned it might make her mistrustful about other things.
I told her I would get multiple opinions from this board on when and how she should tell her kids. I told her she should tell them now before they get any older and hear it from other family members (some cousins remember hubby #1) because they might be resentful if that is how they learn of it. I just don't know what advice to give her if the kids ask her why she chose not to tell them until now or exactly what kind of ice-breaker she can use to start the conversation.
I was divorced when my son was 3 and told him then. I am guessing she didn't tell her children because it is nearly a past life, especially because no children came of it. It may not be exactly the same thing, but I had relationships (not married) before having kids and never would have thought to bring them up either.
Besides the children's inquisitive minds wondering about divorce, I am wondering what if any is the reason she would need to tell them. She needs to reassure them (and it seems they are secure already, that mommy and daddy are not divorcing). If this indeed is something she feels she needs to get off her chest, for fear that some unsuspecting family member would say something to the kids, she needs to go ahead and do it. I have always tried to shield my kids from adult content (you tell them what they need to know and not what you need to get off your chest), but at the same time have always been open and honest with my children. This may be where the real difference lies...some people are just more closed and would never think to share thoughts and ideas so personal with their children.
She should not tell tham anything about her first marriage/divorce!
She has no reason to tell them at all. Adult business is not a childs business. They are not childern born of the first marriage. Since when did adults have to start answering to their children anyway?
In my eyes, this is the equivalent of me telling my kids I filed for banruptcy. How is it any of their business? Furthermore, what good would come of her telling them this? It had no direct effect on the kids.
Once they are adults, if someone else tells the kids something, she can at that point discuss it. And she can say, it was none of your business as a child to know about my past. But now that you are adults, if you would like to ask questions, I will answer what I feel like telling you. But it is my personal business, so don't expect every detail.
If it was me and I had an 11 year old daughter then I would:
Sit her down solo and tell her. I would say something like, "I think your old enough that I can share something with you." There is an appropriate time to share this information with each child and ask that it be kept between them. It is her story to tell so it is unfair for the other kids to hear it from sis.
I think it is very important that girls realize that not all relationships last. Mother is one role that women play. While this child is still 11 and mommy's girl, now is the perfect time to let her know that Mom has been there and bought the t-shirt. This means that, when this child hits her teens and begins the whole dating process, Mom does in fact understand completely about falling in love or lust and breakups and disappointments and life happening when one is making other plans. Mom has something on her side. She has the capacity to look back far more objectively then she once was capable.
Maybe Mom can use this as like preventative treatment. Kind of setting it up for the long haul. Many 11 year old's are worry warts. However, by not cluing her and creating this shield of non-existence, she (Mom) has set herself up for the 15-16 year old who just might not feel comfortable talking to mom because mom wouldn't understand or get it. This could be very important if this little girl winds up in a relationship that isn't good for her. Further, if this little girl grows up and finds herself in a marraige that she is miserably unhappy in and is unhealthy she needs to know that it is ok for that marraige to end.
I have a friend who was in this same situation. She was married right out of high school and divorced after about two years. She went back to college, met a great guy and married. They have two kids together that are the same age and good friends with my oldest two. She told the kids about 3 years ago when they were both in high school. Her daughter commented to my daughter, " I just found out my mom was married before my dad. Kinda weird, huh?" My daughter said, "really? scandalous" and they both laughed.
The kids weren't upset at all. I think by the time kids are in high school they realize that their parents have a past. We all do. If I were your sister, I would wait till the kids are a little older and then just tell them. Make it a "no big deal" kind of thing. The only reason that I would say anything at all is to use it as a teaching moment. A way of saying, we all make mistakes in life. Let them know that getting married really young usually means it doesn't work out. Help them avoid that mistake and move towards a college education and a career first.
Thanks so much for the great advice. I sent this link to sis so she can read the helpful comments. I think I've changed my mind. I still think she should tell them, but I think it is appropriate to wait until they are in high school. Loved your "scandalous" story, VBMom.
We talked today and the chance of kids finding out from cousins is remote. Only 2 were alive then - 1 lives out of state and has no contact with sis's kids (long story) and the other is 23 now, was 8 then and has contact like twice-a-year at holidays.
I have a sister who was married and divorced in the 1970s. She remarried and had 2 kids in the mid-80s and to this day both kids know nothing about it.
Of what value is it for them to know that information? What exactly is the point of telling them? Why burden them with such information? It happened before their lifetime and if her family and relatives are decent people, why on earth would that person from yesteryear ever be brought up again anyway?
I just don't see the need to share this information.
I have a sister who was married and divorced in the 1970s. She remarried and had 2 kids in the mid-80s and to this day both kids know nothing about it.
Of what value is it for them to know that information? What exactly is the point of telling them? Why burden them with such information? It happened before their lifetime and if her family and relatives are decent people, why on earth would that person from yesteryear ever be brought up again anyway?
I just don't see the need to share this information.
I agree with you...What would be the point of telling them at their young ages.... If she feels she must tell them, wait until they grow up
My husband was married before and my kids are too young to understand what divorce means. So, personally I will (or my husband) will be discussing with them that their dad was married before at an age where they can understand (and retain) the lessons (if any) that he had learned from his prior relationship. Even though his previous marriage has nothing to do with them, we suspect that certain relatives may/will "spill the beans" on the prior divorce out of spite and stupidity. I'd prefer to cut them off at the path and have my children be told by us vs. anyone else.
Even if they (our spiteful relatives) didn't say anything, we'd still tell our kids because... we don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of. Divorce happens to the best of people (like their dad) and they need to be sure before jumping into the marriage bandwagon and not do it for the wrong reasons. If they become insecure about our marriage then... I don't know what to say to that considering how obvious it is we love each other - what more do they want than this?
I prefer open and honest policy towards my kids because we are only human after all and I can't spit shine my past (or my husbands) as it wouldn't feel right to me. So, to answer the OP's question, when the kids can comprehend the topic, that will be the time to tell them, IMO (and just come out and say it).
Of what value is it for them to know that information? Why burden them with such information? It happened before their lifetime and if her family and relatives are decent people....
It has nothing to do with what "value" it is for them. The problem is that when they find out--and they will, eventually--they'll be hurt and confused that their parents weren't the ones who told them. What is the point of keeping the secret? There's no shame in it. She was married before, it didn't work out. Why does it need to be hidden?
My brother-in-law had a brief marriage before he married my sister. They now have four kids, and the oldest one "found out" from one of my brother-in-law's siblings (who thought the kids had been told). It was really uncomfortable all the way around. My nephew was really angry and wondered what else his dad hadn't told the truth about.
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