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I have a 12 year old girl who got involved through a sport with an older girl. (14) This seemed completely innocent for about 6 months, then she completely changed. Sullen, on the computer and texting constantly. While cleaning her room one day I found knives in her room. I confronted her and she confessed that she is lesbian and that she and her friend were just playing around with the knives. While the news about being a lesbian was shocking, I was much more concerned about the knives. We contacted our pediatrician who suggested counseling. We did this as a family. In counseling, our daughter told the story of her relationship. It was quite disturbing and our counselor agreed that she was the victim of sexual and mental abuse. She is trying to help our daughter understand this, but I think she is just to young.
We stopped her from seeing her friend and continued counseling for a while. She now feels like we are punishing her because she is lesbian. We set some pretty strict rules and she feels we don't trust her. She doesn't want to go to counseling.
It will not be an easy time, and while you need to help and protect her, she also needs room and freedom to explore, heal, and grow. Finding that razor line to balance will be hard, but you can let her know you're trying, and maybe get her to work with you instead of against you.
If you have a plan as to how to achieve different freedoms it may help guide her. Where-ever possible you want to work with her and redirect, not oppose and restrict.
I think she is too young to know with certainty that she is a lesbian. although I am sure there are plenty of people who disagree. My stepdaughter said at 14 that she was a lesbian, although, after that, she continued to have relationships with boys, and now at 16 I'm not really sure what she considers herself, as she lives with my husband now, and we are separated. I also found knives in her room at one point when she lived with me, and found out later that she had been "cutting". She has been in counseling and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is now on medication. She too was involved in a disturbing relationship...which eventually led to her running away with her supposed lesbian lover and that girls boyfriend/soon to be baby's daddy (?) and she was missing for several days before the police found them in an abandoned house doing drugs and having sex with random older strange men. I am so sorry for what you and your child are going through...my advice would be DON't let her stop counseling, but maybe try to find someone she really likes. My SD had one that she didn't open up to at all, but another that she became really close with and told everything to..sometimes it is just a personality conflict that prevents the counseling from being helpful. I would also consider evaluation for possible treatment with medication, at the very least she is prob suffering from Post traumatic stress disorder from what she went through, and there could be other treatable things going on on top of that. Also let her know that experimenting with a girl (esp. if it was coerced or whatever) does not necessarily make you a lesbian. AND, lastly that GOD loves her !
It is your right, no, your duty, as a parent to prohibit sexual activity in a minor. Tell her that if you were to allow the relationship to continue knowing that it is sexual, you could get into trouble by DHR... It is a stretch but, I could see it happening.
Tell her it doesn't matter what her sexual preference is, she should not be having any sex at the age of 12. Put your foot down on that issue.
Continue to have her in counseling as the whole knife things is frightening.
We have really struggled as a family through this. We talk, but she always ends up crying and saying that she thinks we are treating her different.
I explain that we are just evolving, she is growing up and our parental control has to grow with her. I'm not saying that we have her locked in her room, but we have become much more aware of where she is and who is with her. For instance, if she wants to go to x's house, we ask who will be there and we verify with x's parents. This is normal for her age and have explained that this will continue. She reads more into than it is. She thinks we don't trust her.
I know that a lot of our issues are normal at this age - just compounded because of the above incident.
You may indeed have to forbid the relationship in order to protect your family's interests vis a vis the authorities--but it is a grotesque overstatement to call a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old girl experimenting with each other "sexual abuse".
djacques has a valid point in saying it is a grotesque overstatement to call a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old girl experimenting with each other "sexual abuse". 2 years is also not a lot older. your daughter needs to know, sex with anyone, male or female is not something to do on a whim. if anyone treats her unkind or abusive in anyway, be it male or female, she needs to feel strong enough to walk away. she needs to be talked to about the dangers of violence. violence is huge in teenage relationships. if this is nothing but a crush your daughter has not letting her see her friend would be enough to make her feel you are indeed being unfair. continuing to make someone go to counseling for something she sees no wrong would make her feel like she was being picked on for nothing more than being herself. the story is somewhere in the middle. let your daughter have some ability to make her own choices so she does feel like you trust her. she should not be punished for being a sexual person that is human nature. with all that being I think it would serve your family best if you really open up the lines of communication with her. do your best to instill in her the self confidence she needs to be happy and safe no matter what gender she turns out loving. I would also look up all the info on line you can find about teenagers cutting themselves, this is something that the more you know about the better you will be able to talk to her about. they say the terrible two's are hard. but I tell ya teenagers are the worst. hugs to you
I have a 12 year old girl who got involved through a sport with an older girl. (14) This seemed completely innocent for about 6 months, then she completely changed. Sullen, on the computer and texting constantly. While cleaning her room one day I found knives in her room. I confronted her and she confessed that she is lesbian and that she and her friend were just playing around with the knives. While the news about being a lesbian was shocking, I was much more concerned about the knives. We contacted our pediatrician who suggested counseling. We did this as a family. In counseling, our daughter told the story of her relationship. It was quite disturbing and our counselor agreed that she was the victim of sexual and mental abuse. She is trying to help our daughter understand this, but I think she is just to young.
We stopped her from seeing her friend and continued counseling for a while. She now feels like we are punishing her because she is lesbian. We set some pretty strict rules and she feels we don't trust her. She doesn't want to go to counseling.
What would you do?
First I'm very sorry you're going through this - the knives are what are concerning me as a mom. My son came out to me when he was 14, though he (& I) knew much sooner - he didn't come out to his father until he was 18. He was in tears when he told me because he was afraid I wouldn't love him because of his orientation. Of course I told him short of being a serial killer, there was nothing that would make me stop loving him. He's almost 24 now, we're the best of friends (as well as mom/son) and talk about pretty much everything.
I think counseling is excellent - but possibly not do it as a 'family'. Most kids are afraid to really open up when when mom and dad are present - and it's important that she speak with someone where she doesn't feel she's being judged. There are specialists who can can help your daughter and be supportive of what she is going through both sexually and well, where the whole knives etc. came from
Kids grow up so fast nowadays - when we were 12 it was one thing, now . . . So from one mom to another I would find a specialist that your daughter, and I can't emphasize that enough, that your daughter feels comfortable talking to about her sexuality and how the knives came into play (it appears this one counselor is not relating to what she's going through and possibly causing your daughter to not open up). Maybe she feels like she won't be loved because of what she's experiencing sexually, maybe it was a bad influence or whatnot. That's where a specialist who won't tell her it's 'wrong' to have lesbian feelings (if she is even a lesbian - could just be experimentation), and get to the heart of the matter of the other issues. What she doesn't need or will be receptive to is someone telling her that her feelings towards a member of the same sex is wrong - that will simply cause her to 'act' out more instead of helping her resolving the issues she's going through.
One thing I can tell you is that the unconditional love and support of both you and your DH will make all the difference in the world. My son turned out great, in college with high GPA but I'd be a liar if I didn't say he didn't go through counseling (of his own volition and it took a couple to find the 'right' one) to help him work through things. Best to you and your family during this time.
Thats really frightening, I must say if it was my daughter i would seriously consider moving or at the least changing her schools to keep her from these friends who seem to be doing her harm.
Good Luck
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I have a 12 year old girl who got involved through a sport with an older girl. (14) This seemed completely innocent for about 6 months, then she completely changed. Sullen, on the computer and texting constantly. While cleaning her room one day I found knives in her room. I confronted her and she confessed that she is lesbian and that she and her friend were just playing around with the knives. While the news about being a lesbian was shocking, I was much more concerned about the knives. We contacted our pediatrician who suggested counseling. We did this as a family. In counseling, our daughter told the story of her relationship. It was quite disturbing and our counselor agreed that she was the victim of sexual and mental abuse. She is trying to help our daughter understand this, but I think she is just to young.
