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What to do when your daughter's husband is a liar (compulsive) and won't keep a job, and lies about it..............
In fact, it's gotten so bad now, with job losses by this guy, that if he doesn't find a job soon, they will be needing a roof over their heads.
As the in-law, the parent of the daughter, in this case.
They live in the same city, in fact, pretty much in walking distance or a little better. So we see them quite a bit.
Daughter has left him a couple of tmes for these infractions. And will likely do so for good, at some point. And yes, I know it has to be her decision, as it should be. Believe me when I say that I don't interject my *wants* into what should be the end of that marriage, I leave the ball in her court. She's not stupid, she'll ultimately, make the decision that suits her best, and it's likely she'll leave the marriage for good, at some point.
But I'm speaking as the parent of that daughter. We have to be around that low-life at times.
I've yet to open my mouth, out of respect for my daughter, and have a few words with the scum.
How do others handle having to be around their offspring's s/o's or spouses that they cannot tolerate for even a minute?
I haven't been in your situation, I get along great with my daughter's fiancee'.
I didn't see you mention of they have children....if not, she needs to get out before that happens...he will be a deadbeat Dad.
I haven't been in your situation, I get along great with my daughter's fiancee'.
I didn't see you mention of they have children....if not, she needs to get out before that happens...he will be a deadbeat Dad.
You do your best to always be polite and stay out of it.
It's very possible your daughter will never leave this man. It's possible that he may get his act together someday. You don't want to make future social situations uncomfortable. This man could be in your family until you die, regardless of if he's worthy of your daughter or not.
Your daughter will be more forgiving and she will be upset that your opinion of his is negative. Family tends to not be forgiving of inlaws who they have heard less than stellar remarks. Your daughter will learn to not share her problems with you.
My experience comes from my parents not approving of some of my siblings' spouses.
You do your best to always be polite and stay out of it.
It's very possible your daughter will never leave this man. It's possible that he may get his act together someday. You don't want to make future social situations uncomfortable. This man could be in your family until you die, regardless of if he's worthy of your daughter or not.
Your daughter will be more forgiving and she will be upset that your opinion of his is negative. Family tends to not be forgiving of inlaws who they have heard less than stellar remarks. Your daughter will learn to not share her problems with you.
My experience comes from my parents not approving of some of my siblings' spouses.
That's what I've done thus far, be polite, stay neutral. Very much so, and yes, as you point out, in the interest of not having a crystal ball, and not wanting to damage mine and my daughter's bond/relationship.
I fear though, what's coming down the pike. He has lost yet another job and for "questionable" reasons (he lies so much it's hard to tell what the true root of the issue is). And so if he doesn't find another job soon, they will be looking for a roof over their heads, and I'm afraid it'll be mine. And to have to stomach that guy day in and day out, under my roof....... OY VEY. I think I would become physically ill from it.
All of my extended family sees the plight (we've talked). They all would refuse "him" refuge. All except my spouse. My spouse fervently believes that you do not separate a marriage.
In other words, my approach is one of "well our daughter can come home if she needs to, but not him, he can go live with his folks for all I care". My daughter doesn't like his folks, and won't wanna live with them, should it come to that. My spouse's approach is that you do not separate a marital union, that's not ours to do.
We aren't of the means to pay their rent for them, to "keep that marital union in tact".
Just so worried about what may be coming. Them, looking for a roof over their head after the loss of yet another job by her husband (and for questionable reasons).
If you have to take them in (and I do mean "them") - you just make it clear what is and is not acceptable under your roof. So, if he's not working - he's working all day on looking for a job, or at helping around your house. You make the best of a terrible situation.
If he's really awful, he won't want to stay in a situation where he's forced to contribute.
If your daughter does have her head on her shoulders, she'll be appreciative you gave them this chance, and if he does not live up to it - she will see that is HIS fault.
Good luck...! I'm hoping that he reforms and turns into a stellar guy for your's and your daughter's sake... otherwise, I hope she gets on with her life....
The more you try to "help" your daughter, the longer the situation will go on. There is not a steep cliff behind her back, but a safety net held by her mom. I think this is the situation where you have to let it develop on its own. Ideally, geographical distance would be the best, but if not, you have to develop steely resolve of NOT wanting to learn details and NOT offering any solutions or your roof.
Imagine that someone would know every detail of your own marriage. Along with gratitude of having someone's shoulder to cry on, you would harbor some resentment towards the very fact that this person knows too much. This is the type of help with the time bomb inside. Anything that could go wrong in your marriage or in your life in general, you could potentially blame on this person's interference.
Assuming your daughter has a job, they can look for something that fits their suddenly diminished financial situation. It may not be great-- and it doesn't need to be. Living in a dinky 1BR no frills flat may encourage one or the other of them to change something.
I don't think you should take either of them into your home, not even your daughter.
She needs to learn how to make it on her own---with or without this man. If he's not holding up his end financially, she needs to learn how to support herself and him. If she decides that she no longer wants to support him, that's not your problem. It's a decision she makes as a result of living natural consequences.
Here's the deal. My parents ALWAYS allowed me and my siblings to move back into their home when necessary. It was nice to know that we had a safety net, and we mostly did support ourselves and only moved back for brief periods of time. But that safety net also prevented us from truly learning how to get through difficult times and/or make smart choices.
When I was in my early 20s, I decided to leave a loser husband. I called my mother and she came and got me. I moved back into her house. I divorced.
Fast forward to my late 20s and I wanted to leave a loser boyfriend. My mother said I couldn't move back into her house. She hated my loser boyfriend and certainly ddn't want me to stay with him. But she realized that allowing us to have the safety net prevented us from making smart decisions in partners.
Her not allowing me to move back into her house forced me to take partner selection more seriously. It took me 8 months before I could leave him. That's torture. However, it's a suffering that's necessary for someone to learn to not make the same mistakes twice.
If she had allowed me to move back in making it easy for me to get out of a bad relationship, I wouldn't have taken partner selection as seriously---because it was easy to get out of if she provided the safety net.
By suffering for 8 months in a relationship that I hated, I learned that I never wanted to make a bad decision again because it would be very difficult to get out of a future bad relationship. It also taught me to make sure I could financially support myself even if I was in a good relationship.
It's going to be hard to not allow her to move back into the house, but it will be the best thing for her---whether she stays with him or not. If he's such a loser, she needs to learn how to support both of them if she stays with him. If she's leaving him, she needs to learn that it's not easy to get out of a bad relationship so she'll make better choices in the future.
My spouse fervently believes that you do not separate a marriage.
The marriage he should feel most fervently about is his own.
It sounds like you have bent over backwards to accommodate this man because of your daughter. But she's an adult, and if push comes to shove, it's time for her to shoulder the responsibility that comes with being married to him. And that does not mean moving in with you.
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