What white people like: An insider's view

[415_s2k]

I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned white American male of primarily Swedish ancestry.

Originally Posted by cometclear

These are things that your average white person really likes:

- Sit-down chain restaurants on Friday nights. It's like a suburban white meat temple at your local Chili's or Applebee's on a Friday night. Yes, the food is terrible, but you can practically suck in the stale whiteness that will warm your white soul in such places.

Even before I was a vegetarian, I preferred smaller, mom-and-pop type restaurants. I don't even know where the closest Chili's or Applebee's to me are.

FTR: being a vegetarian is probably "whiter" than going to Applebee's or Chili's.

- Farmer's markets. White people love farmer's markets, in part, because it allows them to venture into the city during daylight hours when there is less of a chance of a Negro attacking them.

I'm not even going to glorify that smug, racist jab with a response.

- Cargo shorts. White people love cargo shorts in the summer months. If you see a white man under the age of 50 who is wearing shorts other than cargo shorts in July, call me immediately.

I don't own a pair of cargo shorts or pants. I did when I was a teenager in the late 90's and they were considered the height of coolness, though.

- Mad Men. Now that we all have cable, Mad Men is "must-see" television for white people. It harkens back to an era when white people were at the top of their games.

Never watched it. I don't really watch TV and don't have cable... crazy, I know... whenever I have friends over, they're like, "what do you mean you don't have HBO?"

All I know is that the one woman on it is fairly busty, which is cool, and the guys in it dress like I do when I have to go to a social event.

- Minivans. Ask yourself this, if you had 2.3 white children, would a four-door sedan be large enough for all 3.3 or 4.3 of you to go to the youth soccer game? Of course not.

I drive a convertible sports car and have a bicycle...

Also, "minivans" is less accurate than "crossover SUV" these days. "Minivan" would have been accurate in '96 or so.

- Oprah. White women love Oprah. In the same way Bill Clinton was the first black president, Oprah is the first honorary white person.

Never watched an episode of it or looked at her magazine, but I'm a dude.

- Self-help books. White people simply have more challenges and obstacles than everyone else. Fortunately, there are people out there who have most of the solutions to their problems, and they've written it all down, which leads me to...

I hate self-help books and have never gotten anything useful out of any of the ones I've been suggested to read. The Secret? Oh, please, but interestingly the most obsessive adherent whom I've ever met to that totally moronic fad was an Indian-American girl who made a living suing people. I also knew a Japanese-American girl who was way into it. I use liking "The Secret" as a litmus test of how stupid someone is and how much virtue they have.

Oh, yeah: one of my friends loaned me a copy of "The Artist's Way" once when I had a block, but I only read the first chapter and a half, it was so lame. The only thing I remember from it was the totally accurate statement to the effect that "to be an artist, you have to have an ego. It takes an ego to assume that your creativity is worth exercising, and that people will want to see it."

SAGE WISDOM. I took that and ran with it...

- Kindles. White people love Kindles. It's like a book, but even better because there are buttons and stuff.

I have a Nook. It was on sale. Buttons? I think it has three... I like the fact that I can put thirty books in my backpack when I go on a trip or ride my bike to the beach.

- Pets. White people accumulate pets like toads accumulate warts. It's a proven fact. Look it up in whogo's science book.

Red-lored Amazon parrot and two betta fish.

- Motorcycles. Middle-aged white men love motorcycles so much, they will even put on black leather chaps, bandanas and shave their arms just to have the pleasure of riding a crappy piece of machinery from Milwaukee, Wisconsin with only two wheels.

I used to own a Ducati 900, in my late teens. I'm much more into Asian and European sportbikes than cruisers or hogs. When I rode, I generally wore Levi's rodeo jeans (thicker denim and heavier stitching) so that I had some protection while not looking like a total dork when I parked it and went to fill my backpack up at the store; a full-face helmet and no bandana; and, yes, a black leather jacket.

- Guns. White people love guns. This is mostly because white people believe it be self-evident that criminals will want to target them before any other groups.

I own a couple.

- Closure. When something bad happens, from a death in the family all the way down to the pineapple upside down cake that didn't turn out, you will frequently hear white people speak of the need to have "closure."

I don't use that term generally, unless I'm referring to a place that went out of business.

What white people don't like:

- Black men. I cannot properly convey the terror they experience in words.

Yeah, my best friend since childhood and many of my coworkers absolutely scare the living hell out of me. Being around them causes me to feel totally inadequate and emasculated, and all I can do is talk about my guns, and how much beer and whiskey I had the night before.

- Being the objects of humor. Yes, they've heard and even indulged in humor about other groups, but when the humor is pointed back upon them, they cannot be offended fast enough. Tell a joke about white people and watch the righteous indignation rise as thick as steam into the atmosphere.

Not necessarily.

- Taxes. White people hate taxes. They think those taxes are going to poor black people who spend it on crack and Colt 45 and rap music.

I think of them as the cost of entrance into a civil, stable, and prosperous society, at least in theory.[/quote]

- Foreign languages. They're confusing to American white people and it makes them feel out of the loop. I really should have "being out of the loop" as a separate dislike, but I'll just stick it here.

ふざけるなよ.

- Mean people. In fact, some have gone so far as to have, "Mean people s*ck" made into a bumper sticker. Many a therapy session has been scheduled just to help white people deal with a mean person in their lives who is just, like, totally ruining their lives.

Again, it ain't 1996 anymore.

[cometclear]

Royalty. White people love royalty, particularly white women. They will buy both People and Us magazines just to get different takes on royal weddings. Many of them cried for hours when they learned that Princess Di lost her head.

[Think4Yourself]

I actively avoid chain restaurants and am not irrationally afraid of black people. In fact, just about everything in the OP just seems stupid to me as it does not accurately reflect myself or most of the people I know. Yes, we're all white.

[415_s2k]

Originally Posted by cometclear

Royalty. White people love royalty, particularly white women. They will buy both People and Us magazines just to get different takes on royal weddings. Many of them cried for hours when they learned that Princess Di lost her head.

... have you not talked to a white person since 1997?? With all this talk of Princess Di, and minivans, and "Mean People Suck" bumper stickers...

Here, I'll throw you a much more up to date bone:

Authentic cuisine. Try telling a group of white twenty- or thirty-something urbanites that you like the orange chicken at Great Lucky Wok and you will almost immediately be reminded that it's not authentic. Tell them that you like the super burrito at Ponce de Taco and you'll be reminded that, while it may be good, it's not authentic.

Tell them that your Asian girlfriend (common among white male urbanites) loves Great Lucky Wok or your Chicano coworker (because you work in an increasingly diverse workforce) was the first one who took you to Ponce de Tacos and they will stammer, and reiterate that it may be good, but it's not authentic.

The only other group I see do this with any frequency are Asian-Americans when it comes to Asian cuisine... again, they'll remind you that it's not authentic, and go on to extol the virtues of some place in the Valley that serves fermented soft-shell turtle and stinky tofu... even though they personally would never be caught dead eating that junk, either.

[cometclear]

Originally Posted by 415_s2k

... have you not talked to a white person since 1997?? With all this talk of Princess Di, and minivans, and "Mean People Suck" bumper stickers...

Gosh, I could have sworn there was a royal wedding in the last year, but then again, maybe I'm flashing back to the early 80s. Didn't one of Di's kids get hitched last year? I could have sworn so.

But I will check you off as a "no" on all counts. Let's see here..."415_s2K" as a "no."

I want to have all this data completely accurate before I report back to my boss, Barack.

[cometclear]

Originally Posted by Think4Yourself

I actively avoid chain restaurants and am not irrationally afraid of black people. In fact, just about everything in the OP just seems stupid to me as it does not accurately reflect myself or most of the people I know. Yes, we're all white.

Thank you for the feedback. "Think4Yourself" down as a "no" for Applebee's and black men and several other undisclosed categories. I'll just put you down as a "no" across the board except for the humor one.

[cometclear]

Thank you, BTW, to 415_s2k for the reference to Asian women. White men love Asian women.

[Deezus]

White folks love Snuggles the Bear and fabric softener.



But they also love McGruff the Crime Dog.



These two examples represent the Jungian nature of white people's love of anthropomorphic animals.

[mufc1878]

The OP is describing what SWPL's would call the 'wrong kind of white people'