Does anyone here truly wish they had never been born? (attracted, pathological)
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Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,068,476 times
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I'm a bit worried you might not be around much longer, Dragonborn! I too have thought of suicide but it would take EXTREME circumstances, i.e. unbearable physical or emotional pain when there was NO WAY OUT for me to finish myself. I couldn't do that to not only my loved ones but also my self. I see suicide as the ultimate act of self loathing, in a way, of letting life defeat you. Not that I don't respect your 'right' to end your life...I think if people have a good enough reason to die than they should have the right to have an assisted way to 'exit' BUT only if there's no other way and they've thought it out/talked a great deal about it, and they're mentally sound. Having said that I'm a bit uncomfortable with legalizing euthanasia because it could leave these people open to predatory types who want to collect an inheritance or life insurance policy.
I'm a bit worried you might not be around much longer, Dragonborn! I too have thought of suicide but it would take EXTREME circumstances, i.e. unbearable physical or emotional pain when there was NO WAY OUT for me to finish myself. I couldn't do that to not only my loved ones but also my self. I see suicide as the ultimate act of self loathing, in a way, of letting life defeat you. Not that I don't respect your 'right' to end your life...I think if people have a good enough reason to die than they should have the right to have an assisted way to 'exit' BUT only if there's no other way and they've thought it out/talked a great deal about it, and they're mentally sound. Having said that I'm a bit uncomfortable with legalizing euthanasia because it could leave these people open to predatory types who want to collect an inheritance or life insurance policy.
Trimac, you're a good'un. Thanks for your honesty and your usual non-judgmental feedback. I understand that euthanasia is a sensitive issue and that most people cling to life under insurmountable odds, enduring all sorts of physical and emotional pain along the way.
As for me, it's not that I'm planning to jump off a building tomorrow or anything, but suicide is something I've contemplated for many, many years. What had always held me back was the fear of the unknown and the fear of what it would do to my family. Years later, those things aren't an issue anymore. I have little-no contact with my family and have severed ties partly because someday, I do plan on taking my own life.
It won't be a knee-jerk reaction, nor will there be a "mess" to clean up. There are many advantages to living in a country with thousands of miles of open space and easy access to firearms (would have been more difficult in the UK). Trust me, I have had years to think this all through and have an escape plan all mapped out for the point in which I feel that I can no longer continue, or a point in which I feel that I could become homeless or a burden to society.
I don't know what's "selfish" about it when I really won't be missed. I won't be leaving a partner or children behind. I will make damn sure that it's a LONG time before I'd even be discovered. Like I said, this isn't going to happen anytime soon. Ironically, knowing that I have the guts and the will to do it when the time comes sort of helps keep me plodding along in a way, because I know that whatever happens, the suffering does have an end and that end is when I say, not when mother nature decides, which could mean living until I'm 85 (which would be a curse!).
There is absolutely nothing about myself that I like and I cannot stand the society in which I live in. I made a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go. Guess which list was the longest (by far)?
Trimac, you're a good'un. Thanks for your honesty and your usual non-judgmental feedback. I understand that euthanasia is a sensitive issue and that most people cling to life under insurmountable odds, enduring all sorts of physical and emotional pain along the way.
As for me, it's not that I'm planning to jump off a building tomorrow or anything, but suicide is something I've contemplated for many, many years. What had always held me back was the fear of the unknown and the fear of what it would do to my family. Years later, those things aren't an issue anymore. I have little-no contact with my family and have severed ties partly because someday, I do plan on taking my own life.
It won't be a knee-jerk reaction, nor will there be a "mess" to clean up. There are many advantages to living in a country with thousands of miles of open space and easy access to firearms (would have been more difficult in the UK). Trust me, I have had years to think this all through and have an escape plan all mapped out for the point in which I feel that I can no longer continue, or a point in which I feel that I could become homeless or a burden to society.
I don't know what's "selfish" about it when I really won't be missed. I won't be leaving a partner or children behind. I will make damn sure that it's a LONG time before I'd even be discovered. Like I said, this isn't going to happen anytime soon. Ironically, knowing that I have the guts and the will to do it when the time comes sort of helps keep me plodding along in a way, because I know that whatever happens, the suffering does have an end and that end is when I say, not when mother nature decides, which could mean living until I'm 85 (which would be a curse!).
There is absolutely nothing about myself that I like and I cannot stand the society in which I live in. I made a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go. Guess which list was the longest (by far)?
why not see a therapist first? why not try enjoying what YOU want out of life instead of relying on what society wants? maybe you have a mental illness which can be solved through therapy or medication (which is not as big of a deal as most people make it out to be. in fact i find most people to be completely abnormal so who gives a **** if you don't "fit in" or are labeled "mentally ill".)
why not see a therapist first? why not try enjoying what YOU want out of life instead of relying on what society wants? maybe you have a mental illness which can be solved through therapy or medication (which is not as big of a deal as most people make it out to be. in fact i find most people to be completely abnormal so who gives a **** if you don't "fit in" or are labeled "mentally ill".)
Been there done that mate (therapy, meds, etc). It didn't change much, except the meds actually made me feel quite crazy (and believe it or not, I am actually quite sane).
It's not that I am unable to enjoy certain things, whereas a lot of depressives can't. It's quite simply that I just want out for a plethora of reasons, one of which is a big reason and it's something that simply cannot be fixed. I cannot achieve my goals in this life. I have looked at all options and possibilities and all roads lead back to the same eventual decision that I will have to make. Nobody can say that I didn't try and didn't give it my all. Believe it or not, I did.
I have never lived by any rules anyway. I just don't like the society in which we live in. Unless you have enough wealth, it's very difficult to avoid it and becoming a hermit is not an option either. The flip side is that at one point, I really wanted to fit in and I tried my hardest to. Loneliness is no fun either and is one of the reasons why I want out. I see nothing but more of the same if I were to stick around, plus possible homelessness.....I'll pass.
So I'm left with an existence in which I feel sick, scared and emotionally drained every day. It turns even simple tasks into major missions. This simply isn't a life of any kind and in many ways, I am already dead. I have no partner, no dependants and have intentionally severed ties with family over the years to the point that they're just acquaintances.
I hope that explains it, i.e. that I'm not some attention seeking pity case. Attention and pity are useless to me and I want neither.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,068,476 times
Reputation: 11862
^ I can relate, dragonborn. I know what it's like to live with suicidal thoughts, in fact sometimes I think it's this world/society that is sick, and any normal person can't HELP but have such grim thoughts.
I do hope you find something to give you joy during your remaining years here on earth. It sounds like you've got your mind made up...do you find joy in helping others? Perhaps do a bit of volunteering? Maybe if you don't live for yourself, you can live to help others? Take time out to enjoy Nature, it is really a beautiful world out there!
To Dragonborn: This is really a side issue, but I cannot help but wonder about your self-reported inability to learn in a traditional classroom setting. As others have noted, your writing is quite good. Those two things, in my view, contradict each other. I have never known of someone with your high degree of literacy and clarity of thought who was totally unable to learn in the normal ways. How then did you achieve that literacy and that clarity of expression?
Another seeming contradiction: You say you want neither attention nor pity, but you started a thread which was basically about yourself and you have actively participated in discussions about you. There is certainly nothing wrong with starting a thread about oneself and participating in the subsequent discussion; I just think you seem to be enjoying the attention which you claim not to want. It is pretty normal to enjoy the attention of others, so I do not offer that observation in a critical way.
Now let me go even farther - and now it's no longer a side issue - and this is not an attack on you. Based on the above, I also cannot help but wonder if you are not having a bit of fun with us. You just do not come across to me as someone who is as abjectly miserable, depressed, inept, and antisocial as you claim to be. Let me hasten to add that I know I could be quite wrong; for one thing I don't have enough information to go on. But based on the information which you yourself provided, and even more on the manner in which you provided it, my tentative conclusion is simply my honest reaction. If I am off-base, then I am sorry because I do not wish to kick people while they are down.
To Dragonborn: This is really a side issue, but I cannot help but wonder about your self-reported inability to learn in a traditional classroom setting. As others have noted, your writing is quite good. Those two things, in my view, contradict each other. I have never known of someone with your high degree of literacy and clarity of thought who was totally unable to learn in the normal ways. How then did you achieve that literacy and that clarity of expression?
Another seeming contradiction: You say you want neither attention nor pity, but you started a thread which was basically about yourself and you have actively participated in discussions about you. There is certainly nothing wrong with starting a thread about oneself and participating in the subsequent discussion; I just think you seem to be enjoying the attention which you claim not to want. It is pretty normal to enjoy the attention of others, so I do not offer that observation in a critical way.
Now let me go even farther - and now it's no longer a side issue - and this is not an attack on you. Based on the above, I also cannot help but wonder if you are not having a bit of fun with us. You just do not come across to me as someone who is as abjectly miserable, depressed, inept, and antisocial as you claim to be. Let me hasten to add that I know I could be quite wrong; for one thing I don't have enough information to go on. But based on the information which you yourself provided, and even more on the manner in which you provided it, my tentative conclusion is simply my honest reaction. If I am off-base, then I am sorry because I do not wish to kick people while they are down.
I think you are wrong on all accounts. I for one am very worried about Dragonborn. You said he started this thread and again, you were wrong, he didn't start this thread. And you are kicking people when they are down.
To Dragonborn: This is really a side issue, but I cannot help but wonder about your self-reported inability to learn in a traditional classroom setting. As others have noted, your writing is quite good. Those two things, in my view, contradict each other. I have never known of someone with your high degree of literacy and clarity of thought who was totally unable to learn in the normal ways. How then did you achieve that literacy and that clarity of expression?
Another seeming contradiction: You say you want neither attention nor pity, but you started a thread which was basically about yourself and you have actively participated in discussions about you. There is certainly nothing wrong with starting a thread about oneself and participating in the subsequent discussion; I just think you seem to be enjoying the attention which you claim not to want. It is pretty normal to enjoy the attention of others, so I do not offer that observation in a critical way.
Now let me go even farther - and now it's no longer a side issue - and this is not an attack on you. Based on the above, I also cannot help but wonder if you are not having a bit of fun with us. You just do not come across to me as someone who is as abjectly miserable, depressed, inept, and antisocial as you claim to be. Let me hasten to add that I know I could be quite wrong; for one thing I don't have enough information to go on. But based on the information which you yourself provided, and even more on the manner in which you provided it, my tentative conclusion is simply my honest reaction. If I am off-base, then I am sorry because I do not wish to kick people while they are down.
I'll take some of this as a compliment, but I didn't start this thread. I think you've confused some of my posts with the OP's perhaps?
Firstly, I did not attend university. I didn't even finish my secondary education back in my home country, so I don't even think that I have the equivalent of a high school diploma. I didn't learn to write at school. I used to read a lot and write stories when I was growing up. I used to spend hours in the school library and public library reading, mostly factual stuff, but also some fiction.
Secondly, this is hardly "fun" and I actually don't consider myself to be severely depressed, believe it or not. I am actually glad that you are able to see that, because it reinforces my point that I am actually quite normal and not some sort of sad pity case, crying and bawling and whining about my life to anyone who will listen (I am long past that stage). That's not to say that I'm not in pain and that as previously stated, I very much want out both of this body and this particular existence.
I don't really care who kicks me while I'm down at this stage, because I simply don't care. This is not about getting attention; if I wanted attention I'd call a suicide hotline or I would make some half assed attempt at suicide to get help, but I don't want that. This is an open discussion and an appropriate thread, which again, I did not start, but chose to share my view on the subject. I am also attempting to discuss this in a logical manner, despite the fact that most people consider all suicides as illogical and irrational acts, when that is not always the case.
This isn't going to happen anytime soon, so for now I will continue to endure this seemingly never ending nightmare until I deem it the right time.
Last edited by dragonborn; 06-11-2012 at 03:17 AM..
^ I can relate, dragonborn. I know what it's like to live with suicidal thoughts, in fact sometimes I think it's this world/society that is sick, and any normal person can't HELP but have such grim thoughts.
I do hope you find something to give you joy during your remaining years here on earth. It sounds like you've got your mind made up...do you find joy in helping others? Perhaps do a bit of volunteering? Maybe if you don't live for yourself, you can live to help others? Take time out to enjoy Nature, it is really a beautiful world out there!
Society is sick, not us; you're right on that count. I don't know if it's just western society or the entire human race. You literally have to be bad to do well form yourself in many respects, or you have to fit into one of their "molds" in order not to be an outcast.
I've also realised that I don't do so well living alone. Being married was a distraction from my own inner demons. Friends don't really help as most friendships seem to be too shallow and superficial. Being biologically male makes it many times worse too.
I don't think i could commit to something like volunteering. I have no people skills and struggle to do even the most basic things. Put it this way, it took me 4 hours to motivate myself enough to just leave the apartment yesterday to buy food. I cannot communicate face-to-face or even make eye contact. This is why the internet has been the only place where I've ever been able to express myself, because the outside world sees the tall, ugly and awkward looking shell that is this horrible bag of skin and bones that some practical joker lumbered me with, which has caused no end of misery.
I can (and do) appreciate nature and other things, which is partly why I don't conifer myself a "depressed" person. I don't project any of this to the outside world. I'm basically just very drained by it all!
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why not try enjoying what YOU want out of life instead of relying on what society wants? maybe you have a mental illness which can be solved through therapy or medication (which is not as big of a deal as most people make it out to be. in fact i find most people to be completely abnormal so who gives a **** if you don't "fit in" or are labeled "mentally ill".)
