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I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts on this. I just happily separated from someone with an anger problem. But he had a specific quality that I found extremely perplexing - no matter what happened, he had an instantaneous ability to formulate a reason that someone else was at fault (usually me).
One example (not really a great one, but here goes): last spring I took my young daughter to the dentist and found out she needed a root canal (and had a few other cavities). I was worried for her and kept saying to myself "where did I go wrong? How did I not take care of her and let this happen?"
Then we arrived home and told him and he started screaming that the dentists were trying to scam us. I guess he was mad at me for taking us to the wrong dentist too?
Now, this isn't really a perfect story - honestly, more typically he would say "you let her eat that candy ... ". And his reactions are very quick and very predictable and come in yelling. He doesn't think about it a little bit and then calmly discuss things - he just blows, and there is the reason why I am responsible for a mess made when I was in another state, etc., etc.
One time he sprained his ankle and I was responsible because he hadn't been concentrating because he was mad at me. He's very creative: I've been responsible for things that happened before he met me, for things that happened in rooms in the house I didn't enter (unfinished basement), etc. I just wait to hear his amazing stories of how it traces back to me.
Obviously, I am exactly the opposite (always feeling guilty) so we made the "perfect" couple, in a nightmare manner of speaking.
So my question is: where does this come from? And psychologically, what is the deal? He is from a very strict religious (Catholic) family, which influences him in ways I don't understand. But I guess I'm wondering more generally what this trait is all about. Why do some people feel guilty and some people rid themselves of guilt - in his case it's almost compulsive, don't you think?
I don't know where it comes from, but my husband is the same way. If anything goes wrong, it is my fault. If the landlady kicked him out, its my fault, because I moved out, and if I didn't move out, he wouldn't have needed a co signer, and then she wouldn't have kicked him out.
He cut open his head on a shelf, moving things out of storage to move out, it was my fault, see above reasons.
I think that in his mind, he is perfect, and nothing could be of his own fault. He emotionally abused the kids and forever, and he says, its because of your epilepsy, or you didn't keep the house perfect, or whatever. Now he says he didn't do it, and it was my choice to leave, and its my fault.
He is plain and simply some one who cannot take blame.
Goldenmom, As a parent, I've wondered about your question. I experienced some of the same behaviors with my exhusband. I've also known folks here or there that seem to never want to be accountable for their actions. It's a huge pet peeve of mine! I have two children and the youngest one would have a tendency to want to blame others when something bad happened. I tried to focus heavily on the issue of being accountable and accepting responsibility. I know that I have at least gotten the message across as she will call my attention now (she's a teenager) and say things like "I know I shouldn't have done that" or "if I'd done this... I would have gotten a so and so outcome". I think, as with many negative behavior and personality traits, they start as a child and are allowed to grow as they go into adulthood.
I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts on this. I just happily separated from someone with an anger problem. But he had a specific quality that I found extremely perplexing - no matter what happened, he had an instantaneous ability to formulate a reason that someone else was at fault (usually me).
One example (not really a great one, but here goes): last spring I took my young daughter to the dentist and found out she needed a root canal (and had a few other cavities). I was worried for her and kept saying to myself "where did I go wrong? How did I not take care of her and let this happen?"
Then we arrived home and told him and he started screaming that the dentists were trying to scam us. I guess he was mad at me for taking us to the wrong dentist too?
Now, this isn't really a perfect story - honestly, more typically he would say "you let her eat that candy ... ". And his reactions are very quick and very predictable and come in yelling. He doesn't think about it a little bit and then calmly discuss things - he just blows, and there is the reason why I am responsible for a mess made when I was in another state, etc., etc.
One time he sprained his ankle and I was responsible because he hadn't been concentrating because he was mad at me. He's very creative: I've been responsible for things that happened before he met me, for things that happened in rooms in the house I didn't enter (unfinished basement), etc. I just wait to hear his amazing stories of how it traces back to me.
Obviously, I am exactly the opposite (always feeling guilty) so we made the "perfect" couple, in a nightmare manner of speaking.
So my question is: where does this come from? And psychologically, what is the deal? He is from a very strict religious (Catholic) family, which influences him in ways I don't understand. But I guess I'm wondering more generally what this trait is all about. Why do some people feel guilty and some people rid themselves of guilt - in his case it's almost compulsive, don't you think?
Goldenmom - My ex was like that - no matter what went wrong, it was always my fault. If he was going to play golf and it rained, it was my fault because I really didn't want him to play (guess I had more power than I realized if I could influence the weather that way! <g>).
Knowing my ex, and after much thought, the only thing I can come up with is that he is not/was not secure in himself and it made him feel better to blame the "bad stuff" on someone else - me, the dog, the cat, the guy down the street, whomever. He was never in the wrong, it was always someone else. I also think a lot of it comes from "emotional immaturity." It's also a form of emotional/psychological abuse.
It has taken me years to get over always saying "I'm sorry" to someone if something isn't quite right. It drove my present husband crazy when we first met - if he couldn't find something or if something broke, I'd automatically say "I'm sorry" - he'd look at me and say, "Why are you sorry? I was the last one to use whatever....or .....you didn't make the furnace stop working. Stop saying you're sorry!" Then I'd say "I'm sorry for saying I was sorry." <g> Thank God he had a sense of humor after I said I was sorry for saying I was sorry, he'd just look at me and start laughing, which would make me see the absurdity of it all.
Also, if someone was not held accountable for their actions in the past, either growing up or after, they tend to blame others for everything - it's never a problem with them.
I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, just things I've observed in my life and I may be way off base, but the above "fits" with my experiences.
Goldenmom, As a parent, I've wondered about your question. I experienced some of the same behaviors with my exhusband. I've also known folks here or there that seem to never want to be accountable for their actions. It's a huge pet peeve of mine! I have two children and the youngest one would have a tendency to want to blame others when something bad happened. I tried to focus heavily on the issue of being accountable and accepting responsibility. I know that I have at least gotten the message across as she will call my attention now (she's a teenager) and say things like "I know I shouldn't have done that" or "if I'd done this... I would have gotten a so and so outcome". I think, as with many negative behavior and personality traits, they start as a child and are allowed to grow as they go into adulthood.
Yes, yes, and I like the way you frame the middle ground "being accountable and accepting responsibility" - the opposite, always feeling guilty, is not helpful either and I've probably tried too hard to keep my daughter from going in that direction ...
Ugh, my ex did that too. One of the many reasons he is my ex.
Honestly, I stopped trying to psychoanalyze him because he had reached such a warped place mentally. His mother said he was mimicking his father's behavior, but he hadn't always been that bad so something brought it on. Maybe he just finally felt comfortable enough in the relationship that I wouldn't leave him and felt free to be a jerk. Wrong choice.
OP, I do mean this with the best intentions but if he's so friggin' emotionally abusive like that to you---forget trying to analyze his psychology and analyze how you can block him from continuing his behavior. There really is no psychology behind it: blamers are just whiny babies that can't handle self- accountability.
OP, I do mean this with the best intentions but if he's so friggin' emotionally abusive like that to you---forget trying to analyze his psychology and analyze how you can block him from continuing his behavior. There really is no psychology behind it: blamers are just whiny babies that can't handle self- accountability.
No doubt - I spent forever trying to analyze. A Hamlet complex, perhaps. Sometimes once I have the analysis I can respond better. But it also prevented me from taking action. But I'm out now aside from custody issues.
My X was that way. Note the word X. and I too am the opposite. I feel guilt over everything! I already feel guilt over eveything, my X knew it and exploited it.
My mother was the ultimate guilt tripper manipulator, who is very insecure and needy.
I agree with whiney ass babies who have not learned accountability and also the emotional abusers theory.
My daughter does not take accountability over anything either. She had too much of grandma "protecting" her from dicipline from her horrid mother who tried to teach her responsibility.
I try to reason with the unreasonable. It's impossible.
My boyfriend reminds me when I'm beating my head against the wall, "you can't rationalize with the irrational"!
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