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A little story right in line with the theme of this thread (funny how most of us are talking about our exes and not current spouses):
About 5 years ago I drove a manual transmission VW - whenever he drove it, DH pulled on the hand brake so hard that he eventually broke it - twice! Because of this, I had to always park the car in gear so it wouldn't roll away. Common sense, right?
Well, fast forward two weeks after the second time he broke the hand break on MY car. I was parked in front of the gate to the backyard, and hubby needed to move my car. He gets in the car, turn the ignition, and the car leaps forward in first gear, breaking through the wooden gate. About ten seconds after the loud crash I rushed outside to see what happened.
(ex) hubby leaps out of the car and curses a blue streak at me for being the "idiot" who left the car in gear. Now it's MY fault we have a broken gate AND a broken car. It's not like, he should have known that the hand break was broken (again) since HE broke it....it's not like he should have guessed that the car might be in gear or something, because people should just leave their cars parked in neutral for ships and giggles, right?
Yup, it was ALL MY FAULT. I can finally laugh about it now, since he has to do all his 'zany antics' on his own dime now, and other women are the ones putting up with Numero Uno's whims these days. Someone mentioned narcissistic behavior - BINGO! I'm not sure what the "official" psychological position on this condition is, but I personally believe that it all stems from a deeply-rooted feeling of self-worthlessness, which is counterbalanced by the "I'm right, everyone else is wrong" motto they live by.
Run fast, run hard, run deep! That's my motto whenever I come across signs of narcissism. It is a lose-lose situation in most cases. I barely have a relationship with one of my siblings because of their "own" reality that they created around them. It's a shame, but no one in the family knows what to do because any efforts anyone has made in trying to reason with the narcissist has backfired miserably. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Run fast, run hard, run deep! That's my motto whenever I come across signs of narcissism. It is a lose-lose situation in most cases. I barely have a relationship with one of my siblings because of their "own" reality that they created around them. It's a shame, but no one in the family knows what to do because any efforts anyone has made in trying to reason with the narcissist has backfired miserably. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
After reading your post, I pictured my ex with someone new. (He probably has someone new by now.) And I'm thinking, ha! Her problem now! I'm so glad to have him so far behind me.
Like you, I barely have a relationship with one of my siblings because she is a "blamer." She idealizes our parents and takes her anger out on me. She has created her own reality. I remember one time, she went off on a rage, telling me how awful I treated her as a child. When I asked for specific examples, she could come up with none. Now, how on earth am I supposed to remember what I said to someone when I was five years old? Everything that went wrong in our family happened to her and not me, not me, just her.
I think she is a jealous and unhappy person. And I think when she is around me, she feels inadequate, so therefore she can't tolerate being around me. And since she can't really take out her anger on our parents, it's easier for her to make me out as the bad person. It's very sad.
I'm looking forward to moving to the other side of the country and getting away from my family completely. The Holidays are the worst.
To the OP, projection and blame is the sign of someone who grew uo in a sick household- my stbx did- his brother was beaten senseless, as he was.....The denial in that family lives on. It is sick.
To the OP, projection and blame is the sign of someone who grew uo in a sick household- my stbx did- his brother was beaten senseless, as he was.....The denial in that family lives on. It is sick.
How do you get away from a sick family, one that is slowly sucking the life out of you? How do you save yourself before it's too late?
How do you get away from a sick family, that's the question.
well, the stbx is no longer my family- He seems to regard his 75 yr old mother as his family, even after marrying me. I tried to make it work, but the dr mentioned he will never heal until HE wants to- he has chosen not to.... I wont go into the details, but the miserable person who raised that family has damaged many of the children. He was a sadistic father, and the wounds he inflicted on that family will never heal.
well, the stbx is no longer my family- He seems to regard his 75 yr old mother as his family, even after marrying me. I tried to make it work, but the dr mentioned he will never heal until HE wants to- he has chosen not to.... I wont go into the details, but the miserable person who raised that family has damaged many of the children. He was a sadistic father, and the wounds he inflicted on that family will never heal.
Blamers ARE 'vampires' as one poster said. And the worst thing is that too often the victim becomes too emotionally beat down to take steps to kick the person to the curb before their own lives are almost in total ruin.
One day you wake up and see your ex is damaged goods and over the years he has turned your only child into the same thing and you're left shocked at how you were dumb enough to allow such thoughtless and miserable people to suck the life out of you.
Oh well, the miserable blamers will always remain small and miserable because they have no real insight into life.
The best 'revenge' is allowing yourself to reclaim your own joy of life and to stop thinking it is possible to make a miserable person happy.
tired of having your stupid parents order you around make bad decisions say and do stupid things and oppress you. dont put up with these fools, move out pay your own bills cast off the yolk of paternalism..
codependent no more.
I'm no psychologist, but the common denominator among these types, and even in many of the above responses, is abuse. It is common knowledge that when you come from an abusive household you are likely to become the doormat or the abuser. If you are fortunate enough, you become the one to break the cycle all together but not many are that fortunate.
These are the people who redirect conversations back to themselves when asked for advice. The accept no responsibility for thir behavior; they have a right to be angry but they don't have the right to do whatever they want about it (that's why there are laws). They speak in absolutes - "Everyone thinks you are blah, blah, blah.", "Nobody is going to put up with your yack, yack, yack". They thrive on pity parties and wear everyone out around them with their doom and gloom. They'll talk to anyone who will listen about their relationship issues (platonic or otherwise) and lie/exaggerate about everything so they become the ones who are slighted, betrayed and kicked in the teeth. And they convince themselves of every bit of it so they can dump their baggage on others and feel justified in doing so. Narcissism at its finest. As far as I am concerned, no one is THAT important and no one should presume that they are.
These people mistake others for mirrors. All those things they hate about those around them are projections of their own self-loathing.
When someone you love maligns you at every turn, it hurts. What they think of you is important, because you love them and want them to be happy with you and proud of you. But at some point you have to recognize that it is not love that does this and love does not hurt. The absence of love does. Whether it is an absence of love for you or an absence of love for themselves - or both - there is no happiness to be had.
Last edited by PassTheChocolate; 12-26-2008 at 12:59 PM..
Reason: typos, formatting
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