Relationship with kids gone sour

[exscapegoat]

Originally Posted by jasper12

"Gooddad"...ironic name. Because I don't see you as a "good Dad" here at all. A good Dad would be visiting his kids....and tell anyone who has issues with that...to stay out of it.

A bad dad would just go along with the new partner's wishes and let the relationship with the kids suffer. The OP is caught between two very difficult people, his ex and his current partner and looking for a way to resolve it.

IMO, the ex is engaging in parental alienation. My mother would regularly try to drive a wedge between me and my brother and my father after my dad moved out. I get the sense the OP's ex is doing that, I could be wrong. I'd be curious as to who initiated the divorce. Some custodial parents who didn't initiate a divorce will try to get more attention from and contact with their ex by using the kids. An ex-spouse who didn't want the ex around would be encouraging the ex and the kids to go to neutral sites such as a diner for breakfast or the park in this case. Both my mom & step-mom initiated their splits and neither really wanted the exes lingering around the house for visits while they were home.

We had an adjustment phase when my dad first started seeing my step-mom. When my parents split, dad moved into his own place. He eventually met step-mom and they decided to move in together. She has 2 kids with her ex-husband. Her oldest son and my younger brother were less than two years apart and both competing for my dad's attention. They'd literally punch each other and get into fights. We started going for breakfast at a luncheonette near our house after our dad picked us up. Usually, my step-mom's ex had picked them up by the time we got to my dad & step-mom's place. Even if they didn't, having time where he didn't have to compete for my dad's attention with my step-brother made my brother a lot calmer and both my dad and step-mom made it clear they'd be punished for fighting. Eventually they got used to each other and became friendly and we didn't have to do that.

I've never had a long term relationship with a divorced dad. It's not that I exclude divorced dads, just hasn't been my experience. If I did, I'd have no problem with him spending time with his kids. Just not at the ex's for prolonged periods of time. Our home would be fine, neutral places would be fine. Just not the home of someone he had been romantically involved with for any length of time. Unless there was some sort of emergency/urgent situation. But I also wouldn't trash talk my boyfriend or husband's kids' uncle unless he did something truly heinous. And I mean the sort of stuff which would get him on a sex offender registry. Even then, I'd probably leave it to him to talk to them about it. One thing we had in both sets of families was the bio parent handles the discipline and the delicate conversational areas such as sex ed or other conversations which required sensitivity and tact.

So, to me, it seems like the OP is kind of caught between two unreasonable people. The ex may be engaging in parental alienation, the partner is overstepping her bounds and unreasonably refusing to apologize. Which I think is a huge, red flag in itself and worth examining for the OP.

[Lauriedeee]

I have to agree with everyone here too. Your kids come first. Your new partner sounds like she's either jealous, or very insecure but mostly she's being very selfish and immature. Have you asked her why it upsets her that you need to go to your ex's house to see the kids? What exactly is she afraid of? Is she afraid of losing you to your ex?
She's also got to apologize for what she said to the kids that made them angry at her if she wants to have a decent relationship with them. If she really loves you and wants to make a go of your relationship, she's got to do it even if she doesn't feel she was wrong. Someone has to be the adult here.


Listen to what she says, maybe she just needs to hear that you're not attracted to your ex or that you love only her... but tell her in no uncertain terms that you are going to see your kids and if you've got to go to ex's house to do it, then that's what you'll do. If she leaves you over that..well, then good riddence because as the kids get older, it's not to going to get any better.

You said in another post that you'd do anything for your new partners daughter and your daughter is upset over that. Can't you see that your daughter may be feeling abandoned by you? or that you've replaced her with your new partners daughter? You don't go over there and see them. Do you call at least?

I'm really trying to be nice and polite in my reply to you, but what I really want to say to you is grow some balls. Put your foot down. See your kids dammit before you totally destroy the chance of having a relationship with them.
You shouldn't even have to ask strangers which way your loyalties should go. You should know your kids come first.
and to your new partner.. I just want to say...grow the hell up.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by gooddad

Hi all. hope someone can give me some advice.ive been seperated from my wife for the last 7 yrs and recently divorced. i met my new partner 6 yrs ago and have been living with her for the past 4 yrs.i have 2 kids to my ex. in the early stages of my new relationship,my kids got on really well with my new partner and used to visit us on a regular basis. we all went on holiday together and it was all good.however, up until 2 yrs ago my kids have stopped calling round and expect me to visit them in their home.now i dont have a problem with that becoz i feel i should be seeing them in their own environment at times,but, my partner does not want me to be in my exs house. i feel split in my loyalties to my kids and to my partner.my partner says its my ex who is manipulating the situation.my ex denies it and say i should be calling round to see them as they are getting older and not wanting to call round to see us ,saying that my partner intimidates them! which way do i turn my loyalties??? HELP PLEEASE!!

I'd say your ex is definitely stirring the pot. I see no reason what so ever for you to have to see them in their "environment", YOUR home is their environment too..I'm thinking the reason your kids have stopped calling you, and expect you to come to their place is because your ex has filled their heads with her resentful ideas of what's right and what's not...SHE wants you coming around, the kids are just backing her..I can understand your new partners frustration that your ex is dangling the kids over your head,..have you talked to just your children about what they want? when your ex is not around to influence what they have to say?....I agree with your partner on this matter, your ex is absolutely manipulating how/when you spend your time with your kids

[looking4answers12]

Originally Posted by gooddad

Hi all. hope someone can give me some advice.ive been seperated from my wife for the last 7 yrs and recently divorced. i met my new partner 6 yrs ago and have been living with her for the past 4 yrs.i have 2 kids to my ex. in the early stages of my new relationship,my kids got on really well with my new partner and used to visit us on a regular basis. we all went on holiday together and it was all good.however, up until 2 yrs ago my kids have stopped calling round and expect me to visit them in their home.now i dont have a problem with that becoz i feel i should be seeing them in their own environment at times,but, my partner does not want me to be in my exs house. i feel split in my loyalties to my kids and to my partner.my partner says its my ex who is manipulating the situation.my ex denies it and say i should be calling round to see them as they are getting older and not wanting to call round to see us ,saying that my partner intimidates them! which way do i turn my loyalties??? HELP PLEEASE!!

Children come first. Your new partner should understand and respect this. Anybody who is in a relationship with a parent should respect this, or they shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has children.

In my opinion having a relationship with your children - no matter what it takes - is non-negotiable.